Should I tell my boss I have depression ?

boyinterrupted

I've been working in a hotel for the last couple of months (and I like it) but 2 of my bosses have pulled me aside on a number of occasions to tell me to lighten up and smile more. At first they asked me if everything was ok with me and I said "Yes, of course" and nothing more was said for a while until the last few weeks when they've been on my case about not smiling enough. I've been taking lexapro for almost 2 years and my depression isn't as bad as it once was but, like everyone, I still have bad days, and a bad day for me is pretty crippling. Nbody in work knows I have depression because I didn't think it was bad enough for me to have to tell people about it. I'm never rude to customers (the good tips I get is proof) so I don't understand why they won't just leave me be and get on with my work. I have regular customers who know me by name and stop for a chat when they see me, so I know i'm not doing anything wrong. I've been thinking about chatting to HR about this situation but I'd hate for them to think i'm being silly even though it IS a very real problem. Should i just fake a few smiles to get by or should I stand up and say "hey, you're asking me to behave in a way that I emotionally cannot because I have an illness."....I dunno what to do

bluemagpie

I would suggest faking the smiles, that is what a lot of customer services is about, even in a call centre you are told to smile on the phone. See how you get on, and if they keep hassling you you could talk to HR about your depression.

Another suggestion is to have acting lessons, a source of fun but also a source of aid in helping you cope at work. Being asked if you're ok all the time and to lighten up etc is extremely annoying, especially when you are clearly aware and doing something about your depression. Good luck!

boyinterrupted

boyinterrupted wrote: »

I've been working in a hotel for the last couple of months (and I like it) but 2 of my bosses have pulled me aside on a number of occasions to tell me to lighten up and smile more.

I know i'm not doing anything wrong.

Should i just fake a few smiles to get by or should I stand up and say "hey, you're asking me to behave in a way that I emotionally cannot because I have an illness."....I dunno what to do

You should definitely fake the smiles. If you feel like they should know about your depression, then tell them. I'd say they should have asked you initially if you were on any medication so it's actually a bit strange that they don't know already.

But regardless of telling them about the depression, you still have a responsibility to provide the service the way they want you to, which is with a smile. So you are doing something wrong by not smiling. If you tell them about your situation, it's still not going to excuse you from having to smile.

When they say 'lighten up', they don't mean 'be happy', they mean 'seem happy'. So they're not asking anything of you emotionally. It's a genuine part of most jobs that deal with the public.

I don't have any real figures, but I would guess that at least 70% of the smiles you see when you're being served in shops are forced. I have colleagues that have had to smile and put out positive happy attitudes while also dealing with bereavement, heartbreak, serious physical pain, migraine, exhaustion, nausea, and many other things which destroy any chance of a genuine smile. I've had customers be so rude/offensive/intimidating/aggressive to me I wanted to scratch out their eyes and cry at the same time and I still smiled at them. The smiles are rarely real. Even when I do see a customer I genuinely like dealing with, and I'm not having any personal problems, work shifts are still hard and it's not something I feel like smiling through. It's 8 solid hours of smiling, it's never going to be natural or real. But it's what you're getting paid to do.

mikemac1

OP, does your company have EAP? ( Employee Assistance Program)

This can be an outsourced company or more usually it's VHI, Aviva or one of them who run it.

Just a helpline you can ring. Your bosses will never be told, strictly confidential

Maybe talk to them before approaching your bosses.

EbanEmael

My advice is never show weakness to a boss. The most likely thing is that they will start bullying you and want rid of you. You will be kicked when you are down. No matter what you feel never show anything but toughness. Never expect sympathy from a boss.

wallycharlo

EbanEmael wrote: »

My advice is never show weakness to a boss. The most likely thing is that they will start bullying you and want rid of you. You will be kicked when you are down. No matter what you feel never show anything but toughness. Never expect sympathy from a boss.

Terrible generalization.

There are plenty of good people in positions of authority who would indeed geniunely care about such a scenario.

LegacyUser

EbanEmael wrote: »

My advice is never show weakness to a boss. The most likely thing is that they will start bullying you and want rid of you. You will be kicked when you are down. No matter what you feel never show anything but toughness. Never expect sympathy from a boss.

What a complete generalization. A few years ago I was going through a really bad depression, where every day seemed to get worse and worse, until I realized that if I didn't take time off, then I would likely not be here anymore. I emailed my manager, explaining my problems - they were completely shocked as I never made it obvious in work and I seemed to be constantly polite and happy. They never questioned it, never brought it up afterwards, and gave me the time off I so badly needed, and, as far as I could tell, kept it in the strictest confidence. I got the time I needed to focus on myself and my issues and it felt like I came back a different person.

OP, you know your manager the best. Do they seem the kind to be supportive or the kind to berate?

Esoteric_

true-or-false wrote: »

You should definitely fake the smiles. If you feel like they should know about your depression, then tell them. I'd say they should have asked you initially if you were on any medication so it's actually a bit strange that they don't know already.

But regardless of telling them about the depression, you still have a responsibility to provide the service the way they want you to, which is with a smile. So you are doing something wrong by not smiling. If you tell them about your situation, it's still not going to excuse you from having to smile.

When they say 'lighten up', they don't mean 'be happy', they mean 'seem happy'. So they're not asking anything of you emotionally. It's a genuine part of most jobs that deal with the public.

I don't have any real figures, but I would guess that at least 70% of the smiles you see when you're being served in shops are forced. I have colleagues that have had to smile and put out positive happy attitudes while also dealing with bereavement, heartbreak, serious physical pain, migraine, exhaustion, nausea, and many other things which destroy any chance of a genuine smile. I've had customers be so rude/offensive/intimidating/aggressive to me I wanted to scratch out their eyes and cry at the same time and I still smiled at them. The smiles are rarely real. Even when I do see a customer I genuinely like dealing with, and I'm not having any personal problems, work shifts are still hard and it's not something I feel like smiling through. It's 8 solid hours of smiling, it's never going to be natural or real. But it's what you're getting paid to do.

This, 100%. They're not asking you to BE happy, they're asking you to fake it. I work in retail, and the amount of idiots I deal with on a day to day basis is shocking, but I still have to keep a smile on my face. I had to keep a smile on my face in work only two hours after my grandfather died, I had to do it after a break up, I had to do it while I was struggling with my mental health. Nobody wants to smile 100% of the time, but in work, it's part of the job to fake it. The more you fake it, the more it looks real, because you get so used to doing it.

neemish

Have to say, I had to tell my boss about depression and he has been nothing short of brilliant. Knowing that there is someone else who knows makes my life easier at work.

I work in a "people" job and there are so many days when I have to take a deep breath and give my sunniest "good morning" It's a case of fake it til you make it. I go home and collapse afterwards, but most days, when I'm at work, I pretend. It's a bitch, but I do actually like my job and want to keep it. Most people would not have a clue that there is anything wrong

Good luck :-)

ivytwine

Esoteric_ wrote: »

This, 100%. They're not asking you to BE happy, they're asking you to fake it. I work in retail, and the amount of idiots I deal with on a day to day basis is shocking, but I still have to keep a smile on my face. I had to keep a smile on my face in work only two hours after my grandfather died, I had to do it after a break up, I had to do it while I was struggling with my mental health. Nobody wants to smile 100% of the time, but in work, it's part of the job to fake it. The more you fake it, the more it looks real, because you get so used to doing it.

This unfortunately is the reality. In a similar job and I vividly recall the moment I realised this. I'd just heard a piece of not very nice news and I took a moment to go to the bathroom to calm down. When I came out a regular customer was asking a series of questions. Needless to say I wanted to tell him eff off, but I had a lightning bolt. What had happened wasn't his fault and snapping at him as if it was would have been utterly pointless.

So I plastered a smile on my face and answered him nice as pie even tho I didn't care a damn what he was asking.

Now I know it's worse for you. Depression is a horrible, insidious thing and it isn't a matter of 'snapping out of it' as you well know. But unfortunately, faking a smile for customer service is just what people expect.

Should you tell your boss? You know him better than us. Some bosses are enlightened, some are not. But I presume since you're already thinking about it, you know he won't react badly.

It's your decision. There's no right or wrong answer, but unfortunately in customer service you will be expected to have a smile regardless.

dd972

Emotional Dissonance, as in feeling obliged to behave or act in a way that you are not feeling like doing is a dangerous and harmful feature of 'Emotional Labour' jobs which Call Centre or frontline Customer Service jobs come under, one way or another it will catch up with you. 'Fake it till you make it' is neo liberal, capitalist, American psychobabble B.S.

'People Persons' can pull this off and are best suited to these type of positions, Introverts are not, and find the whole experience of dealing with a constant, fleeting array of demands from strangers of all moods and ilks utterly exhausting both emotionally and psychologically.

Depression is a real and serious issue and my advice is f**k the perceived or imagined stigma of flagging it with management or what co workers might think.

WumBuster

Id be cautious before disclosing the fact that you have depression to your boss. I think you need to make a character judgement before doing so. Unfortunately not everyone is understanding or sympathetic to such issues. But i hope you are availing of all the help you need otherwise.

Bigdeadlydave

OP, you might be like me and just have a grumpy looking "resting face", where if you are not smiling and your face is just "normal" it looks like you are frowning or grumpy.

dd972

Bigdeadlydave wrote: »

OP, you might be like me and just have a grumpy looking "resting face", where if you are not smiling and your face is just "normal" it looks like you are frowning or grumpy.

Good point, never seen that sort of thing described that way before and it hits the spot.

Scruffles

CompletelyUntrue wrote: »

What a complete generalization. A few years ago I was going through a really bad depression, where every day seemed to get worse and worse, until I realized that if I didn't take time off, then I would likely not be here anymore. I emailed my manager, explaining my problems - they were completely shocked as I never made it obvious in work and I seemed to be constantly polite and happy. They never questioned it, never brought it up afterwards, and gave me the time off I so badly needed, and, as far as I could tell, kept it in the strictest confidence. I got the time I needed to focus on myself and my issues and it felt like I came back a different person.

OP, you know your manager the best. Do they seem the kind to be supportive or the kind to berate?

exactly,think the person who said that was confusing manager/boss with functional pyschopaths; these are the pyschopaths of which there are many in manager level jobs and do actualy have all those characteristics, however there are managers who are nothing of the sort, the manager of the adult wing of the residential centre am living in is a superb manager; she used to be a staff here so that helps, sister also used to be a manager at a supported living group home for people with severe mental illnesses; she was very supportive of staff and very popular with both residents,staff and other management.

Emme

EbanEmael wrote: »

My advice is never show weakness to a boss. The most likely thing is that they will start bullying you and want rid of you. You will be kicked when you are down. No matter what you feel never show anything but toughness. Never expect sympathy from a boss.

I'm sure not all bosses are alike but unfortunately many will kick an employee when he or she is down. This is more common in certain sectors than others and the lower down you are in the workplace hierarchy the more likely you are to get bullied if you show weakness. The education and healthcare sectors are among the worst for bullying and kicking employees when they are down. Speaking as a public servant, I would say that bullying and lack of sympathy is worse in the public service than anywhere else. People in private sector management don't have as much time to make life miserable for those who work under them.

I would advise the OP to fake smiles during working hours.

December2012

boyinterrupted wrote: »

I've been working in a hotel for the last couple of months (and I like it) but 2 of my bosses have pulled me aside on a number of occasions to tell me to lighten up and smile more. At first they asked me if everything was ok with me and I said "Yes, of course" and nothing more was said for a while until the last few weeks when they've been on my case about not smiling enough. I've been taking lexapro for almost 2 years and my depression isn't as bad as it once was but, like everyone, I still have bad days, and a bad day for me is pretty crippling. Nbody in work knows I have depression because I didn't think it was bad enough for me to have to tell people about it. I'm never rude to customers (the good tips I get is proof) so I don't understand why they won't just leave me be and get on with my work. I have regular customers who know me by name and stop for a chat when they see me, so I know i'm not doing anything wrong. I've been thinking about chatting to HR about this situation but I'd hate for them to think i'm being silly even though it IS a very real problem. Should i just fake a few smiles to get by or should I stand up and say "hey, you're asking me to behave in a way that I emotionally cannot because I have an illness."....I dunno what to do

Even if you tell them, and even if they understand, it does not really affect your obligation to smile while doing your job. The two issues are separate.

Would you like to move to a different role where you don't have to deal with the public? Is this possible?