What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all, just writting this up to try clear the head a little.

My gf of 2 years has decided she wants to take a break. We've had a brilliant relationship but an accident in the family, lots of work coming up and college exams over the next month or so has her very stressed, understandably.

She hasn't been right the last few weeks, with reality kicking in about all the stuff she has to do before college in September with work, minding the family member (disabled) and generally not much time for herself.

She suggested for us to take a break (idont know how long) until her head was clear and we'd be back to normal (she still loves me and doesn't want to end it, she wants to clear her head and get back when she's ready) fair enough.

It's just very hard, we've talked a little on Fbook and one or two texts over the last two weeks. I wish there was something I could do as I've always been there for her 100% through the accident and whenever she needed someone to talk to. We're like best friends.

I don't know what is best whether to give her space via an odd message asking how she is etc or keep put of contant completely (I don't want her think on get I don't miss her or spmething stupid like that)

It's very tough seeing her online the whole time and tagged in night and out pictures. Her relationship status is now blank and she's getting a lot of attention from lads. I've turned to alcohol and smokes as I stress reliever (I have pseriasis and flares up so easily) and can barely eat or sleep at night as I'm constantly thibking of her and wishing I could help. She's very short in her messages with me and I know she just wants space but im afraid if I don't keep cpntact every few days that she'll eventually end it for no reason (I over think things way too much)

Just posting to clear my head and maybe a bit of advice as to what to do. Thank you

blatantrereg

generally not much time for herself.

but

seeing her online the whole time and tagged in night and out pictures

k...

She wants to be single. She also wants to string you along so she can go back to you if she decides she'd prefer that, or wants to use you as a crutch. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She's not a nice person. You are not very assertive.

Would you ever act the way she is? I am sure you would never, and would be aghast at the idea of how much it might distress her. You should be just as aghast at the idea of allowing yourself be put through this crap.

Ditch her completely. Cut all contact. Get your head around things and avoid people like her in future. Anything else will cause a significant battering of your self esteem and probably your dignity.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the reply.

I do understand what you mean about being single, but she said straight away she doesn't want to break up and regret it but rather have some space and time for herself (catch up with friends etc). I questioned why she got rid of the relationship status and in this break does she plan on being with other people or something and she told me never and not to be silly! I fully believe her, obviously, she has no reason to doubt me.

She lives a good bit away so when we see each other it'll be staying together for a few days when off work. it's basically just us together and working, so I can understand her going out with mates for a catch up as they dont see each other that much. it's 2 nights out i've seen in the last 3-4 weeks, not a big deal...

No of course I wouldn't do that. But I couldn't possibly put myself in her shoes, , you know?

Virgil°

What you describe is the beginning of the end for your relationship in my opinion. I'm sorry to say.
She wants out but hasn't the guts to pull the cord or is hanging on to you in case the grass isn't greener.

I know she just wants space but im afraid if I don't keep cpntact every few days that she'll eventually end it for no reason

This is just wrong i'm afraid. No one needs to be prompted constantly to do something they want. If shes not contacting you its because she doesn't want to. The only thing you should do is not contact her at all. She knows where to find you if she wants to.

Think of it this way. If you were having a tough time then you'd turn to her for support right? The last thing you'd do is scrap her!

I'm sorry to say this OP, its probably the last thing you want to hear but I would be prepared for the worst here. As hard as it is the best thing you can do is give her complete space. No contact. At all. Go about getting yourself back on track without her.
It'll get better.

LegacyUser

Will I head up to her house the weekend unexpectedly for a chat? I've a few things there that I want to get anyway (my bike while we've the weather)

blatantrereg

OPhereanonon wrote: »

. I questioned why she got rid of the relationship status and in this break does she plan on being with other people or something and she told me never and not to be silly!

Why else would she do that though? Why else would she want a break? You can say you want space without going on a break. You can go out with your friends without going on a break.

No of course I wouldn't do that. But I couldn't possibly put myself in her shoes, , you know?

You don't need to. You just need to require yourself to be treated with the same level of decency that you require her to be.

blatantrereg

opagain.. wrote: »

Will I head up to her house the weekend unexpectedly for a chat? I've a few things there that I want to get anyway (my bike while we've the weather)

Not unexpectedly, no. That's intrusive. Do get your bike though, and anything else you've left there too.

_dublinlad_

I would tend to agree with the majority of what the other posters said here. There are red flags everywhere in your post. Its all well and good being extremely busy, I don't doubt for a second she is, but not able to find any time for you at all? I'm sorry but you should just plain not buy that! If you do buy it then she is fooling you and your fooling yourself.

I see no harm in going for that unexpected chat, especially if u have stuff in her place. But for your sake the chat should involve you saying that..... we should go on a permanent break as you believe she has no feelings for you anymore.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies.

I asked her is she free the weekend as i'd like to get the bike and we've agreed to meet up one of the days. I'll sit down and have a chat about a few of the points above - mainly about if she needs help in this time of need why is she trying to push me away instead of letting me help a hand. I'll eventually get to the dreaded topic asking is she just slow rolling me, as in is taking this break going to lead to a break up or is it genuine and hopefully she will open up a bit more. It's just very hard atm I know my problems are no where near hers but i shouldn't have to lose sleep over it and get a proper explanation. Wish me luck.

LegacyUser

This girl wants time away from your relationship so she has time with her friends, family and up to now studying for college exams.

At this stage you need to tell her that your relationship is over. I would get any belongings she has belong to you back from her and not to be using these as an chance to meet and chat to her.

She is using you and expects you to put your life on hold until she decides that she wants you back. If your relationship is important you will both put in the effort to keep it going.
Stop looking up facebook to she what she is doing without you which is only making it difficult for you to move on with your life.
Also you smoking (which is bad for your health) and drinking alcohol will only make you more depressed.
It is time for you to move on with your life just like what she is doing with hers.

ibarelycare

Your girlfriend is testing the waters of being single, while keeping you waiting on the side in case she doesn't like it. She's extremely selfish. "Breaks" are a load of crap, either you're in a relationship or you're not. She's being completely unfair by not letting you know where you stand. As someone else said, you need to be assertive. Talk to her about what's happening and don't let her walk all over you.

sbsquarepants

I think the writing is on the wall OP. She doesn't contact you, she's going out having the craic without you, she telling the world that she's single - do you really need any more clues?
Maybe she thinks she's being kind by not coming straight out and saying it, or maybe she just hasn't got the nerve to, or maybe she's being sneaky and trying to keep her options open, but no matter which of these things she's doing, it spells bad news for you.
I'd be washing my hands of the situation if i was you. Takes 2 to tango and it seems fairly clear that she wants out, shít happens - that's just a sometimes sad fact of life. What's best for you imo is to move on with your head up. Best of luck!

Adrift

Yep, this is over mate. The best thing you can do is to sever contact and try your best to forget her. (I know this is an incredibly tall order, but I think most are actually saying this from experience) I'd get your bike back if you can but be as cool as possible. Trust me being cool will be the ultimate test, if she sees you no longer care she may realise she's made a mistake, but as everyone else has said it sounds like she wants to be single, the accident etc are handy excuses as it sounds like she doesn't quite have the guts to split up properly.

LegacyUser

It's rare to find most people agreeing on boards!
But this makes an exception. The first thing that struck me here OP is that the LAST thing I would want if I was going through problems, is to take a break from the one person in my life who means everything to me.
I would be honestly lost without my OH, especially in times of hardship. And personally, I did tell my OH before that I wanted a few days away from him, and it was only because he was in a mood and was being difficult to deal with. So I just said ah here, I want time to myself as he was only going to annoy me and make me feel sh*t. By the way, it never happened because we actually couldn't handle more than one night of not talking to each other.

I have to agree with the other posters here, I don't think she is being entirely truthful with you. Looks like she wants an easy way out. The thing is, when you have your chat with her this weekend, will she be out-straight with you? It's very important that she is truthful because stringing you along for her benefit is cruel, and shows she isn't a good person IMO.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for all your replies I've read through each lots of times
.
As I said I'll be going over a lot of the points mentioned in our conversation and see what she has to say. I have to realise I have done absolutely wrong and stop feeling down. If it turns out when we have our talk that she insist we'll be back to normal eventually, then turns around after a while saying she'd rather be apart then she'll be the one looking bad.

I hope we can works things out, just not talking to her makes me think up different stories in my head about her not wanting to be with me etc but perhaps she's being genuine and what she is doing now with our break is her way of dealing with everything. I'll see how it goes

Taltos

OP as you are unregistered your posts have to be approved. Please do not keep posting repeatedly, it may take some time for one of us to check in on the unapproved posts.

Thanks.