dad cant handle another child

The fighter

Hi I know this is bad but I just cant do it I need some peoples advice I have a 6 year old boy who I have raised from day one on my own with his ma hardly around butrecently I got a girl pregnant and she due soon I told her have abortion she refused so I told her I dont want to have any thing do with tje child I just cant go through all that again

Mayboy

Hi,
I read this and feel sad that you are under so much pressure. You obviously took everything on with your little boy and are now understandably full of fear over what might happen this time. I'd ask you to just sit with the situation - your first time being a dad was not easy but you seem to have done it to your best - maybe separate out the fear from the situation - can you write out all the things that cause you to feel like this?
Also remember that kids are different, even second time around it can feel totally different. Take a breath and slow down and see what is pressing your buttons - once you know then you can think it through - even if it appears overwhelming. Good Luck!

The fighter

It just all the fighting and hassle it brings I fought for years for my boy and promised I would only do it again when I knew was going stay with that person forever I just dont have any more fight in me do it all again

Mayboy

Hiya,

But how do you know that it wont be radically different? Sure, the past has some bearing on how we are in the future but each situation is new and much influenced by how we read it. Not every parent has had that hassle that you had so its natural that you are a bit fearful - the fear bit won't make it better though - you'll have to just dive in and see - there is no guarantee but is it not worth the risk? Life is so short and we spend so much of it with fear - can you see the situation without the fear and not 'lock down' into auto pilot? THere is no 'forever' ever - if we are lucky we have a great experience and sometimes we have to try again.

The fighter

I know im just terrifed if went like that again I dont have it on me bring up a child again I just think be bad if I was there got close to the kid and walked away but prob better for child if never knew me

Esoteric_

I'm shocked that you told her to have an abortion, tbh. That's a really horrible thing to tell anybody. :eek:

I'm not a parent, so I have no idea how tough parenting is, but I'm going to assume it's very difficult, especially when there's fighting and stuff going on, too. Thing is, though, you and she both did something that ended up with her being pregnant. Not just her. You, too.

She can't force you to be around the baby, that's entirely up to you. But you have to take responsibility in that you pay maintenance at least. You know how hard it is bringing up a child alone, so why would you want to do that to this girl?

Don't see the child if you don't want to, but you and she both got yourselves into this mess, so it's time to man up and accept the consequences, frankly.

Gatling

As a father of two in a stable long term relationship ,I can almost see where your coming from kudos for fighting for your boy cant have been easy ,as posted above telling a girl to get an abortion just Because you don't want it is a bit harsh ,
And you should have known better to take precautions after what you've already been through, you need to sit down with this girl and find out what she actually wants from this ,
Does she want you in her child's life or not
Does she care that she's having a baby
And where you and your boy fit in all of this

Bigdeadlydave

Esoteric_ wrote: »

I'm shocked that you told her to have an abortion, tbh. That's a really horrible thing to tell anybody. :eek:

I'm not a parent, so I have no idea how tough parenting is, but I'm going to assume it's very difficult, especially when there's fighting and stuff going on, too. Thing is, though, you and she both did something that ended up with her being pregnant. Not just her. You, too.

She can't force you to be around the baby, that's entirely up to you. But you have to take responsibility in that you pay maintenance at least. You know how hard it is bringing up a child alone, so why would you want to do that to this girl?

Don't see the child if you don't want to, but you and she both got yourselves into this mess, so it's time to man up and accept the consequences, frankly.

But he doesnt want her to do that...

There's only one way to make sure you don't get someone pregnant - don't sleep with them. Once you do, no matter how much protection you use, you're taking the risk of having a child. Advising her to get an abortion is fair enough if that's what you want, but at the end of the day she can refuse if she wants to, and it doesn't take away your responsibility to stand by her. You took up that responsibility when you slept with her. It's harsh but it's reality. If you want to do a runner, do it, but no one here can justify it for you.

I can't help but think that a bad father, or a father that isn't around much, is better than never knowing your father at all.

Mayboy

The fighter wrote: »

I know im just terrifed if went like that again I dont have it on me bring up a child again I just think be bad if I was there got close to the kid and walked away but prob better for child if never knew me

- I think we always have enough in us for anything - look at what people get through in life.... Of course it will be difficult - as your brain has been 'wired' to expect difficulty from the situation - given past experiences it would be difficult not to have those thoughts. However, there is an opportunity here - for a whole new start, with your boy, who you've nurtured and grown up with - maybe its a new world for you both, and maybe a sibling for him. Remember the world is increasingly full of 'blended' families. What would you say to your little boy if it was him in this situation? Maybe relax into it - you never know the stuff life gives us to learn from. Not going to comment on contraception/ abortion aspect as really those options are both out of your control.Maybe your girlfriend will see your point of view if you tell her of your fears - she can't give you a guarantee tho - there are none in life except taxes and death !

ted1

The fighter wrote: »

got a girl pregnant and she due soon I told her have abortion she refused so I told her I dont want to have any thing do with tje child I just cant go through all that again

You really need to grow up , there's a child coming in to the world which is one part you and one part her. You really need to kop yourself on, you are financially responsible for 50% of this child. You can't just wash your hand of him/ her .
Your first step should be to get the snip so you can't get anyone pregnant again

Idle Passerby

You said this woman is almost due, so the option to pretend this never happened is gone. You are going to be a father for the second time whether you choose to honour that or not.

You are already a loving father to your son. Think of how this will play out in the future. How will your son feel that you cherished him but cast another child, his sibling aside? How will this baby feel knowing that?

I presume you are no longer with the woman in question. I imagine she must be reeling. You probably came across to her as a good parent, so why is her baby not worth the same as your existing son?

I understand you had a hard time with the first child but if you had to do it again would you? I presume you would, because you obviously love your son. I think this child deserves the same.

Oryx

This woman wont necessarily leave you with as much responsibility as the last one did, so the pressure you're imagining may be less than you think.

Also, its too late now to say you're walking away. You wouldn't do it to the child you have, so don't do it to this one, either. Both children are equally yours. I know you don't want to take on another kid, and would have preferred for this girl to have an abortion. But she didn't because hey, she had a choice in this too.

Putting pressure on this girl was a bad start, as you guys are already battling because of the pregnancy. The biggest leap you can make is to accept it, and work with her. I know you think you cant cope, but this child is on the way, and you kinda have to. You were lumbered with a child on your own, so you know how hard it is. Please reconsider and share the burden.

Daisy78

So you had sex with a woman without taking the necessary precautions, getting her pregnant and expect her to abort the child despite the obvious trauma it would inflict on her to in order to.get you out of a.mess you helped to create?

Sorry to be blunt here but if you were so fearful of becoming a father again why did you have sex with this woman in the first place? Part of being an adult is making informed judgements in life, weighing up the risks and consequences. By having unprotected sex with a woman you seem to have little interest in you knowingly took on that risk. Another part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions, particularly where there are children involved....now is that time. You will be a lesser person for it if you decide to walk away in my opinion.

maybe you should walk away and let this girl get on with her and her childs life, i dont mean to offend you but sometimes the best thing people like like you can do is just stay away. believe me i know what im talking about, i was a single mam at 19, my childs dad didnt want anything to do with him.

No dad is better than a bad dad in my opinion, but being a single parent allowed me to wipe the slate clean so to speak, as there was no bad dad dropping in and out of my sons life, i had no baggage. i am now very happily married to a man who adopted my son and is an amazing dad. my son is now a teenager and i dont feel bitter at all or have any bad feeling towards his biological dad- he wasnt dad material and would not have given my son 100%, my son deserved better and your child does too.

The Corinthian

The fighter wrote: »

Hi I know this is bad but I just cant do it I need some peoples advice I have a 6 year old boy who I have raised from day one on my own with his ma hardly around butrecently I got a girl pregnant and she due soon I told her have abortion she refused so I told her I dont want to have any thing do with tje child I just cant go through all that again

You are legally obligated to pay child maintainable. If you cannot agree privately on a long term plan for this, she can peruse you for it via the courts - repeatedly if she so chooses. So you will likely have to deal with this eventuality and try to minimize the damage to both you and your son it will cause.

As for involvement, I'd personally see if a workable arrangement between you and this woman is possible that does not leave you in the same situation as your first child. If this is not possible and you are adamant you want nothing to do with this new child then you're under no legal obligation to do so, but if you choose this, then do so differentially and don't change your mind later.

Also ignore the hypocritical moral outrage by some of the posters here; if you were a single mother who couldn't deal with having a second child, the same people would likely canonize you for choosing either adoption or abortion.

Take it easy and keep things in perspective.

username123

Daisy78 wrote: »

So you had sex with a woman without taking the necessary precautions, getting her pregnant and expect her to abort the child despite the obvious trauma it would inflict on her to in order to.get you out of a.mess you helped to create?

Sorry to be blunt here but if you were so fearful of becoming a father again why did you have sex with this woman in the first place? Part of being an adult is making informed judgements in life, weighing up the risks and consequences. By having unprotected sex with a woman you seem to have little interest in you knowingly took on that risk. Another part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions, particularly where there are children involved....now is that time. You will be a lesser person for it if you decide to walk away in my opinion.

I dont see anywhere that the OP stated the sex was unprotected.

With the best of intentions all types of contraception have failure rates, none of us know what the OP and his ex had agreed prior to the pregnancy (quite possibly nothing) and he is as entitled to ask her to consider an abortion as she is to tell him she wants an abortion (or not).

We all cannot expect to not have sex because we fear pregnancy - its a basic human function.

All of the above is a bit "closing the barn door" though. What the OP needs is support and advice based on his current situation, not on the what might have beens and the could have beens.

OP - things may not be as bad as you fear they will be. I implore you to keep an open mind. Try to take things as they come and be calm, there is no point in worrying about things that may not even happen. Things could be a lot smoother than you fear. There is no point in projecting bad stuff that might never happen.

I think you would do well to talk to your GP regarding the stress you are feeling. And talk to your family and friends also, there is no point in you worrying and bottling everything up.

clairefontaine

You have a legal obligation to finance this child.

You have a moral obligation to have an emotional tie with this child.

These decisions are too important for anyone here to tell you what to do. They are the first decisions you will make as a parent to shape your child's destiny.

Take some responsibility and make them. Stop asking strangers on the internet what to do.

Neyite

clairefontaine wrote: »

You have a legal obligation to finance this child.

You have a moral obligation to have an emotional tie with this child.

These decisions are too important for anyone here to tell you what to do. They are the first decisions you will make as a parent to shape your child's destiny.

Take some responsibility and make them. Stop asking strangers on the internet what to do.

Clairefontaine, if the OP wants to discuss an issue that is personal to him here, and ask for advice, that is his right to do so.

If you have a problem with a post or thread, report it and let the mods deal with it.