Boyfriends Past

LegacyUser

HI Guys,
I met a guy through work last Summer and we clicked right away. I had a bf at the time and didn’t fancy him so nothing happened but we became very close friends. We used to go to lunch together and go for pints nearly every Friday. We confided in each other about all sorts and had so much fun together. Let’s call him John.

About 6 months later I got let go and also broke up with my bf. Sam asked me out and although at first I was apprehensive as we were such good friends, being honest I had started to fancy him.

Roll forward to now, no point telling you about all the boring loved up bits in between but suffice to say we fell in love. Lately however, I can’t get all of the things he told me when we were just ‘friends’ out of my head.

We used to eat lunch in the park together and he’d comment on every girl going by. He told me about going to h**kers in the past and how he’d had loads of private dances at clubs etc. He used to tell me how much he still loved his ex-girlfriend and how he knew he’d never get over her. He has even told me about his fantasies and just some really deep dark stuff that you’d probably never tell your gf.

I realise it’s unfair of me to feel this way but I can’t help it. When we were mates it didn’t bother me but now it’s tearing me apart. How can I be with a man who I know once paid a h**ker to dance for him while he did c*ke and jerked off? How can I be with someone who once told me he’d never get over his ex?

He now claims to be head over heels about me and his actions reflect this but I am in bits. I can’t look at him the same way and don’t even want him to touch me anymore. It’s only since I’ve fallen in love with him that this stuff bothers me so much. I know everyone has a past but most people don’t tell their partner every sordid detail.
Help.

LegacyUser

"no point telling you about all the boring loved up bits in between but suffice to say we fell in love"

Is this not the most important thing, if it's true?

I'm a bit unsure...how long have you been together now? Are you looking for people to judge him on his past for you? Are John and Sam the same person?

I think you are being a bit unfair. If these things were really a problem, why would you get with him in the first place? Sounds to me things might not seem so rosy and you are looking for an excuse out.

As for him saying, at a guess, a year ago he would never get over his ex...things change.

If anything you are lucky you know his past and there are no skeletons in the closet.

Boofle

When you say 'Sam' asked you out - do you mean 'John'?!

Honey-ec

If you can't deal with stuff he told you as mate, in good faith, that happened in the past, then you owe it to him to break it off, cause all you're going to end up doing is stewing and stewing in it until it drives you around the twist and him away.

It's the past. It happened, there's nothing you can do about it. So he told you he'd never get over his ex - so what? That doesn't mean it's true. My ex husband told me he'd love me forever, and he meant it at the time, but guess what? People change. We don't all come in a hermetically sealed bubble so that every relationship is fresh like the glass in your hotel bathroom.

All the things that he's done in his past have helped to mould him into the person that you ended up fancying in the first place. If you can't accept that, then do the two of you a favour and walk away.

December2012

It's in the past.

You're in the future.

Let go of it.

Czarcasm

Boofle wrote: »

When you say 'Sam' asked you out - do you mean 'John'?!

I presume the OP meant John was her ex and Sam is the new guy.

Having read the whole post though, I'm not really sure names are relevant.

OP in all honesty I don't think anything good will come of you trying to dig deeper into his past. You have to take him for who he is now, and not who he was when you were just friends.

There's no harm in it if you feel you can't put his past behind you, but then at that stage you have to start thinking about the reality that he's probably not the guy for you.

Boofle

Czarcasm wrote: »

I presume the OP meant John was her ex and Sam is the new guy.

Having read the whole post though, I'm not really sure names are relevant.

OP in all honesty I don't think anything good will come of you trying to dig deeper into his past. You have to take him for who he is now, and not who he was when you were just friends.

There's no harm in it if you feel you can't put his past behind you, but then at that stage you have to start thinking about the reality that he's probably not the guy for you.

No, she referred to the guy at work who she would chat to etc as 'John' and then says that 'Sam' asked her out. But yeah, names probably aren't relevant.

I reckon the OP should move on and put his past behind her.

And a lot of men still look at good looking women going past - even if they are attached/married.

mygoat

We tend to have different expectations in friendships and in romantic relationships. While we take our friends as they come, we tend to idealise people at the beginning of a relationship, at least to some degree. This experience is not available to you, because you already know that he is very imperfect (like we all are, but we don't tend to find that out until later on in our relationships).

In my view, the only way forward is to focus on maintaining friendship with this man and slowly add the romantic extras. If you try to do things the other way around, if you try to force your idealised vision of a romantic relationship on the two of you, it won't work. However, if you can remain his friend and learn to love and accept and respect him as he is now, you can have something incredibly special with him.

Idle Passerby

If his past didnt stand in the way of you falling in love with him in the first place I dont see why it should start bothering you now.

Katgurl

Ok first of all - forget what he said about his ex, he meant it at the time, he probably has forgotten he ever felt like that. He has told you he's head over heels, believe him.

As for the other stuff, well it's an unfortunate result of the circumstances that you were privy to the unedited details of his past. You are right, normally as his partner you wouldn't know this stuff but you do and you wish you didn't.

Well you just have to accept you are where you are now. You fell in love with your friend so it's not usual circumstances. You need to figure out how to deal with it.

I'm guessing he doesn't speak like this anymore. If he does, ask him to stop.

When the head wrecking thoughts start creeping in, consider the following -

He slept with hookers, he had loads of lap dances, yet he thought he would never get over his ex: he was probably unhappy and trying fill the void. He was single, he Was entitled to try to make himself feel better, don't judge him.

Also, at least he lived his single life. Honestly I've just broken up with a guy who spent most of his life in long term serious relationships and he drove me mad, he was completely obsessed with illicit sex life he obviously felt he missed out on. I found it pathetic after a while, told him to spend some time on his own, visit some strip clubs, have a 3some etc before getting into his next relationship and driving his next girl mad. At least your bloke is coming into this relationship without any grass is greener notions and he wants to be there.

He's told you he's head over heels, believe him and look to the future, not the past. Focus on what a great boyfriend he is to you now.

Big Bag of Chips

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If his past didnt stand in the way of you falling in love with him in the first place I dont see why it should start bothering you now.

This is a very good point, OP. You fell in love with him, already knowing all this stuff. Why should it change how you feel about him now?

Is it a case of all that stuff was ok when you were just friends but now you have a "not MY bf" mentality about it? You can't change him, you can't change his past. You can't turn him into a bf with a squeaky clean past.

But you did fall in love, so why not just go from there, and not from a few years back?

astonaidan

friendsfirst wrote: »

HI Guys,
I met a guy through work last Summer and we clicked right away. I had a bf at the time and didn’t fancy him so nothing happened but we became very close friends. We used to go to lunch together and go for pints nearly every Friday. We confided in each other about all sorts and had so much fun together. Let’s call him John.

About 6 months later I got let go and also broke up with my bf. Sam asked me out and although at first I was apprehensive as we were such good friends, being honest I had started to fancy him.

Roll forward to now, no point telling you about all the boring loved up bits in between but suffice to say we fell in love. Lately however, I can’t get all of the things he told me when we were just ‘friends’ out of my head.

We used to eat lunch in the park together and he’d comment on every girl going by. He told me about going to h**kers in the past and how he’d had loads of private dances at clubs etc. He used to tell me how much he still loved his ex-girlfriend and how he knew he’d never get over her. He has even told me about his fantasies and just some really deep dark stuff that you’d probably never tell your gf.

I realise it’s unfair of me to feel this way but I can’t help it. When we were mates it didn’t bother me but now it’s tearing me apart. How can I be with a man who I know once paid a h**ker to dance for him while he did c*ke and jerked off? How can I be with someone who once told me he’d never get over his ex?

He now claims to be head over heels about me and his actions reflect this but I am in bits. I can’t look at him the same way and don’t even want him to touch me anymore. It’s only since I’ve fallen in love with him that this stuff bothers me so much. I know everyone has a past but most people don’t tell their partner every sordid detail.
Help.

Im probably way off, but theres a chance he said these thing to get a rise out off you.
Its not usually something Id do but Ive told girls Im into to get them a little jealous, what Ive done with other girls whether its true or not.
As you said yourself you didnt fancy him at the start, maybe well tbh you did start thinking off him different after he started telling the stories, Seeing his sexual side
Immature yes, but well my fathers 60 and hes still an idiot :pac:, sometimes we say stupid stuff to girls we are really into.
But I could be way offf