complicated relationship

dublinchat

I am looking for some advice regarding my partner..I have met a man from the US when he was here in Ireland..It turned out that he was in the Military over there and we have continued keeping in contact, emailing, skyping etc..We know each other about eight months now and He is now deployed in Afghanistan till next May.. We get on so well and we have become very close..we have talked about me going to the states to visit when he returns and possible stay over there. I have a young child too and so has he...But yesterday He told me that he had something to tell me...He said he has Genital Herpes..He said he needed to tell me incase we get close..He told me he caught them when he was younger and single. My head is all over the place now because it is very contagious and there is a stigma attached to it as well...He has explained it all to me...can anyone advice me on the situation please...thanks in advance

strobe

Yikes, sorry to here that.

I'm sure since he told you you've researched it a lot and know what their is to know about it. Highly contagious (particularly for women), incurable, the problems that arise for pregnant women...

I'm not sure what advise anyone could give you unfortunately. If you pursue the relationship you will run the risk of contracting it and everything that means. I found this link which gives the statistical chance of contracting it as 8% over one year providing you abstain completely from sexual contact during sore outbreaks (outbreaks are not predictable or always noticed initially b people). Or 6% if condoms and suppressive drugs are used at all times as well.

So you would have a 6% chance on average of contracting the disease if you are having a sexual relationship for a year, properly and timefully identifying outbreaks and abstaining from sexual contact completely during outbreaks and always using condoms and he is taking supressive drugs. Much greater chance if not doing these things.

It might be something that is worth bringing up with your GP if you have a decent doctor patient relationship with them.

Having only known him for 8 months and not be going to see him for a year, plus with the fact you both have children and live in other countries, plus now this... basically I think you need to think long and hard about whether a possible relationship in the future some time is worth it, or whether you'd be best to just move on.

Personally I think I'd move on.

But it really is something only you can decide, I think.

Best of luck.

m'lady

After reading the statistics from the previous poster and then doing a bit of research on genital herpes (which I knew nothing about), I have to agree with poster above that I would move on.

It's a lifelong condition that you both would have to be constantly monitoring and also if you wanted to have another child that probably wouldn't be possible without you contracting the condition.

Personally I think he should have told you about this when you began getting close so as to give you the option of walking away before you invested too much time on him, I'd go so far as saying it was a bit sneaky of him?

You have a 6% chance of getting genital herpes and that's if you played it very safe.. Worst case scenario if you did contract it and the relationship didn't work out you for whatever reason you will have the same problem when you meet someone else- is that really worth it?
I don't envy your situation and hope it works out.

LegacyUser

I'm quite shocked by the posts telling you to avoid him. It is definitely something significant but in the grand scheme of things it is not a life threatening disease, it is a manageable condition. He deserves kudos for being honest with you. I certainly would not run away from a possible relationship/whatever you want to call it, if everything else looked positive, and genital herpes was the sole reason for ending it.

Last year I went to get a routine smear test and the nurse told me I had genital warts, I had no idea as they were very small and towards the opening (I'm female). I had several courses of nitrgoen therapy and started taking thuja tablets, they disappeared. They came back once in a time of stress, after resuming thuja tablets they went again. I think I have been lucky in that my cases of warts have been mild, I fully expect them to return again several times over the course of my life, and next time they might be more unsightly or more painful, but they are manageable.

I should also add that I had had unprotected sex, and that is how I contracted them, I should never have been so stupid regardless, but as you will be aware in advance, you can be more cautious. But at the end of the day most sexually active people have this strain of the HPV virus, whether they use protection or not, as it is highly contagious, but only 10% of those show the physical symptoms, warts, ie: you might already have the virus but are not showing the symptoms. You can get the symptoms off someone who does not show them. There are many variables.

You could also look at getting the full course of HPV vaccine prior to commencing a sexual relationship with him. Or, as a further remedy if you were to contract them, a nurse told me that if I go a full year without the warts returning I would also be able to consider getting the HPV virus in order to curb further outbreaks.

Do your research and see what you are comfortable with at the end of the day. But keep this condition in perspective! It's not a life threatening disease!!! Good luck.

dublinchat

Thanks for all the advice and I really appreciate it...yes we have spoke about the possibility of HPV vaccine prior to commencing a sexual relationship with him. Its not a life threatening illness and I dont want to blank someone because of it.

strobe

dublinchat wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice and I really appreciate it...yes we have spoke about the possibility of HPV vaccine prior to commencing a sexual relationship with him. Its not a life threatening illness and I dont want to blank someone because of it.

Genital warts/HPV and genital herpes/HSV are two entirely seperate virus' and conditions.

The HPV vaccine offeres no protection from contracting HSV/herpes.

If you decide to pursue the relationship I really think you should speak to your GPor drop into a clinic or well woman centre to ask for some info.

Neyite

OP, you really need medical advice, and Personal Issues is not the forum for that. I would suggest that you make an appointment with a clinic that deals with STI infections rather than your GP as the staff in the clinic would be more knowledgeable.

With this information, you can then decide to continue with this relationship or not.

LegacyUser

Hi Op

I am in a similar position. I've been dating a guy with gh and it is more than a medical issue, it's about the person. Generalky speaking discussion on similar forums frequently end up discussing the condition and not the emotional aspect of being with someone who has contracted it. From what I have ascertained, they feel marginalized because it is usually perceived as their defining feature which as referred to in an earlier reply. Surely the discussion/advice should be based on how you feel about the person, the relationship potential and how to manage/limit the possibilities of contracting it. As was said already, it is not life threatening.

Personally op I too am concerned about the possibility of contracting it but the man I've been dating is one of the sweetest, kindest and intellectually stimulating people I've ever met and I was wary to dismiss a relationship with him based on something that he was upfront with me about. We are as safe as we can be but that does not mean I am risk free. All relationships require work.

Good luck with it.