Relationship problems

bamister18

I'm struggling a little with my boyfriend of a year, he suffers with depression and when he's down he's really down.
He's insulted me quiet badly before. And made jibes to me about my family.
So HE broke up with me. After a down moment ! After 5 days he came back to me admitting he was wrong and he was thinking straight that he was just feeling low.
So after time I took him back and it was hard to trust him again, but he opened up about his depression at this stage.
So we were fine for a few months but now again he's acting up , he had a female friend stay in his without asking me, and then he told me he'd speak to me in a week, not inviting me over to meet his friend !
This was touch and ago, after he realised what he did he apologised and realised that he didn't handle this well!
So a week later we were about to go to a gig and we were leaving at 2pm , at 12.30pm he texts saying he's sick, that he's stressed out and can't do anything! I asked did he want me to come over , he said no thanks !
I told him that he's selfish and it only took a week for him to let me down!
I really don't know what to do , I'm emotionally tired and told him I couldn't put up with this , I know he suffers from depression but I sometimes think he plays up on this !
Is he just being an ignorant pig!?
Or does he need help!!?

Carlowgirl

bamister18 wrote: »

I'm struggling a little with my boyfriend of a year, he suffers with depression and when he's down he's really down.
He's insulted me quiet badly before. And made jibes to me about my family.
So HE broke up with me. After a down moment ! After 5 days he came back to me admitting he was wrong and he was thinking straight that he was just feeling low.
So after time I took him back and it was hard to trust him again, but he opened up about his depression at this stage.
So we were fine for a few months but now again he's acting up , he had a female friend stay in his without asking me, and then he told me he'd speak to me in a week, not inviting me over to meet his friend !
This was touch and ago, after he realised what he did he apologised and realised that he didn't handle this well!
So a week later we were about to go to a gig and we were leaving at 2pm , at 12.30pm he texts saying he's sick, that he's stressed out and can't do anything! I asked did he want me to come over , he said no thanks !
I told him that he's selfish and it only took a week for him to let me down!
I really don't know what to do , I'm emotionally tired and told him I couldn't put up with this , I know he suffers from depression but I sometimes think he plays up on this !
Is he just being an ignorant pig!?
Or does he need help!!?

This man will drive you crazy. he is unreliable, ignorant and uncaring towards your plans or feelings. He is so depressed he doesn't want company yet he invites a female friend over to stay. It s very easy to say leave him to someone.. but you have to look after yourself and realise that that past behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour. He is not going to change and if he does it may be with someone else. Sorry but he will drive you mad

maria34

Im problably not the best advisior as i have my own problems, but my ex was the same. Exact the same i would say. Dumped, begged back, female friend staying over. Does he have male friends? I think he doesnt because women understand him better.

bamister18

That was a week ago with the female friend. And I was border lining breaking up with him, not over jealousy but the disrespectfulness of him not telling me or asking was ok with the friend staying! A friend I never met! And of the opposite sex. And to be told ill see you next week, that he wasnt going to listen to me , as he doesn't like arguing , and he was stressed out getting ready for an important show! So I let him on! Never bothered until he realised 3days later that I wasn't talking to him and how serious this was!

Anyhoo today .. to TEXT to say he's sick with stress an hour and a half before we were ment to go to a gig is so ignorant ! Not to ring , not to say sorry, how is a woman suppose to act!
I gave up 2 days work to spend time with him.
Which he works 7 days a week and I only get to see him at 6pm the odd day.

bamister18

maria34 wrote: »

Im problably not the best advisior as i have my own problems, but my ex was the same. Exact the same i would say. Dumped, begged back, female friend staying over. Does he have male friends? I think he doesnt because women understand him better.

Hey Maria thanks for your reply, he has male friends and they are married and have told him that he drives women crazy with his actions. He's selfish and mammy and daddy run after him ... And he's 33..

He has admitted to not being right in the head, due to a serious accident which left him hospitalised for a few months when he was 23 and was told he wasn't goina live past 40. but now thats not the case. he never put any effort into relationships.
He has told me what he needs to do and he's Fallen through on this again!

Toast4532

You are better off out of this situation.

He is unreliable and doesn't seem to give a damn about, your feelings or your relationship.

Meauldsegosha

In fairness he doesn't need your permission to have a friend stay at his. However he should of done you the courtesy of telling you she was staying.

As for cancelling the date at short notice sometimes these things happen. It is obviously something you are not happy with and this together with his other behaviour, it would appear you are not compatible.

bamister18

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

In fairness he doesn't need your permission to have a friend stay at his. However he should of done you the courtesy of telling you she was staying.

As for cancelling the date at short notice sometimes these things happen. It is obviously something you are not happy with and this together with his other behaviour, it would appear you are not compatible.

Yes it's the manners of just saying that the friend was staying.
As he was secretive about it.
I understand when situations arise but when someone lets you down because they are stressed and can't get off the couch , it's worrying ...
Compatible maybe your right , maybe we are not. But who is ?
It's about comprising and giving.
And I'm just about out of giving.

Meauldsegosha

bamister18 wrote: »

Compatible maybe your right , maybe we are not. But who is ?
It's about comprising and giving.
And I'm just about out of giving.

What a strange comment. Lots of people are compatible that's why they are in a relationship. Of course compromise is important in a relationship but you can't build, and maintain, a relationship on it. You must be compatible to begin with.

bamister18

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

What a strange comment. Lots of people are compatible that's why they are in a relationship. Of course compromise is important in a relationship but you can't build, and maintain, a relationship on it. You must be compatible to begin with.

It might sound like a strange comment but infact in some people opposites attract.
liking the same food, being into the same music and sharing the same sense of humour; does this mean that they're the one! Well obviously we have things in common but I'm saying every thing isn't a box ticked.Being compatible doesn't mean that you will always enjoy the same things and you will always share the same opinions about everything. Although on broad lines we need to be on common ground, the main reason we want to be together is the very motive that we are different!

Meauldsegosha

bamister18 wrote: »

It might sound like a strange comment but infact in some people opposites attract.
liking the same food, being into the same music and sharing the same sense of humour; does this mean that they're the one! Well obviously we have things in common but I'm saying every thing isn't a box ticked.Being compatible doesn't mean that you will always enjoy the same things and you will always share the same opinions about everything. Although on broad lines we need to be on common ground, the main reason we want to be together is the very motive that we are different!

I never said you had to like the same things, have the same opinions to be compatible. You asked "who is", I said lots are. If one person is continually compromising in a relationship it is going to break down because the people are not compatible. Which is what appears to be happening with yours. As I said previously you can't build and maintain a relationship on compromise alone.

bamister18

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I never said you had to like the same things, have the same opinions to be compatible. You asked "who is", I said lots are. If one person is continually compromising in a relationship it is going to break down because the people are not compatible. Which is what appears to be happening with yours. As I said previously you can't build and maintain a relationship on compromise alone.

No you said it was a strange comment, which to you it may be ,but to me it is not , it is my opinion that not everyone in a relationship is compatiable , that two people are different enough that they find each other novel and interesting, but similar enough that they're able to communicate effectively without misinterpreting everything. Being able to learn together and maintain interest in the other means alot in terms of maintaining a good quality relationship for a long time.
Yes if only one person is comprising in a relationship it will break down.

TheminxIRL

Hi Op you are me up to a few months ago.

Again my ex suffered from depression, accepted he did but refused to see his gp because his mother told him if he got medication for it he would be addicted and stuck on them for life! I had post natal depression and needed meds to feel normal again and I was never addicted but he didnt want to listen.

My ex was unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate too, for a while I just excused it and put it down to his illness but it really started to grate on me.

I tolerated it for nearly 3 years until I decided enough was enough, I wasnt getting anything out of the relationship so what was the point.

I am single now since Feb and loving it. I no longer have to wonder if I arrange something will I be let down, I am responsible for my own happiness and it feels like a weight has been lifted.

Only you can decide but a relationship is supposed to enrich your life not make it harder and all you have given are negatives

bamister18

TheminxIRL wrote: »

Hi Op you are me up to a few months ago.

Again my ex suffered from depression, accepted he did but refused to see his gp because his mother told him if he got medication for it he would be addicted and stuck on them for life! I had post natal depression and needed meds to feel normal again and I was never addicted but he didnt want to listen.

My ex was unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate too, for a while I just excused it and put it down to his illness but it really started to grate on me.

I tolerated it for nearly 3 years until I decided enough was enough, I wasnt getting anything out of the relationship so what was the point.

I am single now since Feb and loving it. I no longer have to wonder if I arrange something will I be let down, I am responsible for my own happiness and it feels like a weight has been lifted.

Only you can decide but a relationship is supposed to enrich your life not make it harder and all you have given are negatives

Hey
You are brave for getting the help you need. Glad to hear you are feeling good again.
I just don't want to waste my time , iv been single 6 years previous to my bf now, and thought he could be the one.

maria34

Hey,

He is no the one. He isnt treating you nice in any way. What your getting from the relationship?

bamister18

maria34 wrote: »

Hey,

He is no the one. He isnt treating you nice in any way. What your getting from the relationship?

Hey ...
Thought I'd have a few answers for that , as he told me he'd support me and look after me , and nope , he hasn't.
Bedroom department is about all I can add right now

maria34

What you mean bedroom department? My ex was good at it aswell thats the only thing he was good at!

Everything else was the same. Abusing, dumping and so on. I was like a mum to him if i think back now. Wiping his bum so to say. Didnt finish well, he had another relationship on the go while i was wasting my time with him.

bamister18

maria34 wrote: »

What you mean bedroom department? My ex was good at it aswell thats the only thing he was good at!

Everything else was the same. Abusing, dumping and so on. I was like a mum to him if i think back now. Wiping his bum so to say. Didnt finish well, he had another relationship on the go while i was wasting my time with him.

Ye he's good in the bedroom department , that's the only area he's not selfish !
I just don't know , promises promises.

I hate cheaters , sorry to hear that , what a pr!ck.

ibarelycare

bamister18 wrote: »

No you said it was a strange comment, which to you it may be ,but to me it is not , it is my opinion that not everyone in a relationship is compatiable , that two people are different enough that they find each other novel and interesting, but similar enough that they're able to communicate effectively without misinterpreting everything. Being able to learn together and maintain interest in the other means alot in terms of maintaining a good quality relationship for a long time.
Yes if only one person is comprising in a relationship it will break down.

What you described is compatibility though. I'm not sure if you understand the word. Having completely different interests, personalities, sense of humours just means you're two quite different people. But that does not mean that you can not be perfectly compatible together.



Anyway regards your bf, you're far better off without. Depression is not an excuse for that sort of behaviour. The relationship sounds stressful and frustrating, and you're only together a year. Get rid!

Stavro Mueller

You're only together a year and you're already talking about being emotionally tired. At this stage of his life, I find it hard to believe that your boyfriend is going to have a personality change. He says he has depression and he's "not right in the head". That may be so but I can't help but think he is using these as a licence to behave like a petulant teenager. You're throwing all sorts of comments out there about him being selfish, ignorant etc. If he is evoking such strong comments from you, then you badly need to take a step back and ask yourself what are you getting from this relationship? Other than great s*x and stress? I can't help but wonder are you so desperate to have a boyfriend that you're clinging onto this one for dear life?

kiffer

Try talking to him (again, differently*), 3 days of the silent treatment when he messed up by having a female house guest isn't really going to get him on Team Communication...

He's clearly not with the program with regards to proper behaviour in a relationship but the difference between a thoughtless selfish person not showing up and a depressed person not showing up is generally that the depressed person is beating themselves up about their inability to be reliable whereas the thoughtlessly selfish person hasn't given it much thought and is having a grand auld time. Of course they can be both...

I'm not saying you are wrong to be upset, it's an upsetting thing to deal with.
I think you need to be straight with him and say you're having a hard time dealing with him, that he needs to get help, and then hand him the yellow pages open to "councillors and therapy" and tell him that he should talk to someone qualified to help him.
You also need to ask yourself how long are you able to cope while he works on this? Because no matter what it won't be perfect overnight...


*differently: if one approach doesn't sink in after a few tries it's unlikely to sink in after another few. Either they aren't listening, or they are trying to listen but you're both on different wavelengths/communication styles and you need to try something different until things mesh...
Also if it's not working at least you tried something different before you get the heck out of there for your own good.

bamister18

cymbaline wrote: »

You're only together a year and you're already talking about being emotionally tired. At this stage of his life, I find it hard to believe that your boyfriend is going to have a personality change. He says he has depression and he's "not right in the head". That may be so but I can't help but think he is using these as a licence to behave like a petulant teenager. You're throwing all sorts of comments out there about him being selfish, ignorant etc. If he is evoking such strong comments from you, then you badly need to take a step back and ask yourself what are you getting from this relationship? Other than great s*x and stress? I can't help but wonder are you so desperate to have a boyfriend that you're clinging onto this one for dear life?

I suppose I think of the good times which is why I hang on, and the fact he says he wants to try to change his selfish ways.
He puts his horses first , which I understood , he opened up about financial problems, supporting his parents and having to work two jobs.
So therefore I told him I understand that he has to earn money. But to spend the day on the couch sick with stress when we were ment to go to a gig ?

bamister18

kiffer wrote: »

Try talking to him (again, differently*), 3 days of the silent treatment when he messed up by having a female house guest isn't really going to get him on Team Communication...

He's clearly not with the program with regards to proper behaviour in a relationship but the difference between a thoughtless selfish person not showing up and a depressed person not showing up is generally that the depressed person is beating themselves up about their inability to be reliable whereas the thoughtlessly selfish person hasn't given it much thought and is having a grand auld time. Of course they can be both...

I'm not saying you are wrong to be upset, it's an upsetting thing to deal with.
I think you need to be straight with him and say you're having a hard time dealing with him, that he needs to get help, and then hand him the yellow pages open to "councillors and therapy" and tell him that he should talk to someone qualified to help him.
You also need to ask yourself how long are you able to cope while he works on this? Because no matter what it won't be perfect overnight...


*differently: if one approach doesn't sink in after a few tries it's unlikely to sink in after another few. Either they aren't listening, or they are trying to listen but you're both on different wavelengths/communication styles and you need to try something different until things mesh...
Also if it's not working at least you tried something different before you get the heck out of there for your own good.

Thank you , the not talking for 3 days was due to him not wanting to deal with stress before an event and wanted to talk about it in a week. So i let him on.
As when I voiced my concerns he told me he doesn't want to deal with it now.
Il add he's in the military , so he's very thorough , just he doesn't know what a proper relationship is. The bf
"Maybe you're right and I'm incapable of conducting a relationship? At least not while my head is mixed up with horses. That is something I have to think about myself. If you wish to stop I can't help that, it makes me sad to think that. I can talk to you later if that suits?"