How to get more confidence talking to girls?

LegacyUser

Hoping someone can help me out here. Let's start off with something that happened on Saturday night.

I went out to a club with a few mates of mine, and they always seem to have the ability to just chat up any girl at the bar or dance with them. Anyway, i was sitting in a booth with a bunch of people most of which i didn't know. I do notice this beautiful looking woman sitting opposite me, and of course being the loser i am i just sit there and don't try and talk to her.

But then her friend i'm presuming pulled my aside and said "My friends very shy, but you should go buy her a drink." So off i went to the bar and i came back and handed her the drink. This is where it all goes to crap.

I actually started off ok, I asked her name then joked around about her friend trying to set us up. She laughed and actually seemed interested but then i just went blank. We just sat next to each other for like 5min not saying a word, It was obvious she was just as shy as me. Also i got the feeling she really wanted me to talk to her because she could have just left the booth with her friend. It was so awkward, I wanted to just ask if she wanted to dance but couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. So of course after another 5min of silence she said she needed to use the restroom and later on in the night i saw her dancing with someone else.

So that's my story, I reckon some of the responses will be to just drink more to gain a little dutch courage but even then i doubt it will work. Think it boils down to having zero self confidence and no self worth.

For the record, I'm Male, 20 and i know i'm not the worst looking person in the world. I have an athletic build, full head of hair, clear skin. My friends always think i'm just as good with women as they are but i'm not.

kjl

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

Hoping someone can help me out here. Let's start off with something that happened on Saturday night.

I went out to a club with a few mates of mine, and they always seem to have the ability to just chat up any girl at the bar or dance with them. Anyway, i was sitting in a booth with a bunch of people most of which i didn't know. I do notice this beautiful looking woman sitting opposite me, and of course being the loser i am i just sit there and don't try and talk to her.

But then her friend i'm presuming pulled my aside and said "My friends very shy, but you should go buy her a drink." So off i went to the bar and i came back and handed her the drink. This is where it all goes to crap.

I actually started off ok, I asked her name then joked around about her friend trying to set us up. She laughed and actually seemed interested but then i just went blank. We just sat next to each other for like 5min not saying a word, It was obvious she was just as shy as me. Also i got the feeling she really wanted me to talk to her because she could have just left the booth with her friend. It was so awkward, I wanted to just ask if she wanted to dance but couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. So of course after another 5min of silence she said she needed to use the restroom and later on in the night i saw her dancing with someone else.

So that's my story, I reckon some of the responses will be to just drink more to gain a little dutch courage but even then i doubt it will work. Think it boils down to having zero self confidence and no self worth.

For the record, I'm Male, 20 and i know i'm not the worst looking person in the world. I have an athletic build, full head of hair, clear skin. My friends always think i'm just as good with women as they are but i'm not.

I certainly wouldn't be suggesting that. I think you issue is that you are not comfortable talking to the opposite sex. This is something you need to tackle sober.

You need to gain experience talking to women. You should work on this everyday. Start off small talking to a checkout lady in the shop. Try and strike up conversation with different women you meet throughout the day, regardless of weather you are attracted to them. When you gain confidence talking to women in your day to day life, you will have no problem talking to them on a night out.

Don't compare yourself to your friends. I can assure you they feel just as self conscience are you.

PingO_O

I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you, we've all been there at some stage, some people are just better at working through their nerves than others.

Look, don't fool yourself into thinking you're a loser with no self worth because it isn't true, but a more realistic view would be that you're social skills with women you fancy aren't the best, and that's completely changeable.

I used to be very very awkward around women, and when I meet someone I fancy i still get really nervous, but it's a skill like anything else.

The best thing you can do for yourself is put this down to experience and get on to the next conversation/meeting with a woman you like, keep going.

Apart from that, you're not totally to blame for things not going as well as you hoped, I mean she was extremely shy as well so it would just be so wrong and unfair for you to put it all on yourself for how it went.

kylith

You're not a loser, you're just a man who ran out of things to talk about with a complete stranger. As said above, get more comfortable speaking to women in situations where you don't feel on the spot, and when in doubt ask questions; everyone likes talking about themselves.

KT10

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

of course being the loser i am i just sit there and don't try and talk to her.

I think I see your first problem...self opinion translates into body language, in this case I think her friend copped you were shy as well because...

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

But then her friend i'm presuming pulled my aside and said "My friends very shy, but you should go buy her a drink."

She threw you a life line (ok not really but sometimes we all need a small kick up the arse to get going!)

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

So off i went to the bar and i came back and handed her the drink. This is where it all goes to crap.

I actually started off ok, I asked her name then joked around about her friend trying to set us up. She laughed and actually seemed interested but then i just went blank.

Great start but we've all been there where you just seem to hit a wall, but there are ways around this...

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

We just sat next to each other for like 5min not saying a word, It was obvious she was just as shy as me. Also i got the feeling she really wanted me to talk to her because she could have just left the booth with her friend. It was so awkward,

Her not leaving = good sign! Now, there are 2 things I want you to remember next time this happens:

1. Keep her talking, this takes the pressure off you to keep the conversation going. How do you keep it going you wonder? Questions questions questions, when she says one thing, ask her about it (but don't interrigate the poor girl!)

An example would be (I'm assuming you're students here, but this is more to give you a rough idea, I'm also assuming she's not going to instantly open up to you, hence the short answers from her initially, this might read a little tough but I think its closer to what you can expect):

You: So what course are you doing?
Her: Accountancy.
You: Ah cool, I've a few friends doing accountacy, they're kinda struggling though, how you getting on with it? Do you like it?
Her: Yeah, its ok I guess.
You: What made you go for accountacy?
Her: I kinda fell into it, teachers recommended I do it in school (warning: something like this is a sign she's not really into what she's studying so best thing here is to steer conversation in a different direction which can be done like this...)
You: So will you jump straight into a job after or do you think you'll travel for a bit?
Her: I think I'd like to travel, the girls are already talking about it.
You: Yeah me too, I've a few mates who've done the backpacking thing and they all said I should go for it, where do you think you'd like to go?
Her: I'm not really sure, probably Australia, all my friends want to head there.
You: Yeah, me too, but I think I'd like to head somewhere else as well during the year, I've been looking at Cambodia and Vietnam and they look amazing! So maybe a month or 2 there, maybe Thailand too, not sure, what do you think? <-- Ask her opinion on things, but make sure she's involved in the conversation and its not just you rambling on!

You can link topics easily when you think about it, lead in with things like "I'm loving the weather we're having, everyone else is complaining its too hot but I don't care, I'd rather be too hot then too cold or too wet!" this leads into topics like places you've been on holidays (the last time I was in this heat I was X) or you can drop a small story from the last time it was this sunny, you and your brothers built a tyre swing over the lake and your older brother had a go and the branch broke and he end up going head first into the mucky bottom and your ma went absolutely mental at ye. Little things that will make her laugh or at least keep her smiling and hopefully she'll come back with a story of her own!

Once you find something she enjoys talking about, your job gets much easier as people can't help but be excited about their passions and pretty soon you're the one giving the short responses, simply asking little follow up questions that set her off tlaking for another 5 minutes about something, hopefully you then find common ground and end talking excitiedly between yourselves! This is when time starts to fly and before you know it, bouncers are moving you on as its closing time!

2. Remember eye contact is important, talk to her, not at her but don't be staring her out of it!

It never hurts to look around every now and again, if you're running out of things to say and you spot your mate and her mate chatting, you've opened up a whole new line of conversation, like "I see your friend talking to my mate Dave, he's great craic, always keeps me laughing, how long have you known X?"

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

I wanted to just ask if she wanted to dance but couldn't. I don't know what's wrong with me. So of course after another 5min of silence she said she needed to use the restroom and later on in the night i saw her dancing with someone else.

Been there, got the heartbreak, but next time you feel the conversation slowing down or you just want to ask her to dance, do it like this:

"Hey, are you a good dancer? Cause I'm about to ask you to dance but think its only fair to warn you I'm crap at dancing (little bit of self-depriciating humour never hurts :pac: ) but before you say no, consider the fact that by dancing next to me, you're gonna look like a pro! So, would you like to dance?"

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

I reckon some of the responses will be to just drink more to gain a little dutch courage but even then i doubt it will work.

No, no NO! Common mistake, 1 or 2 drinks is fine but you need to be on the ball, if you find yourself getting stressed out about things, DO NOT reach for a pint, take a couple slow, steady breaths (not the deep breaths your doctor asks you to do! :P ) You can even do this while chatting to her, nice relaxed breathing helps calm you no end.

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

Think it boils down to having zero self confidence and no self worth.

Thats really a state of mind and matter of opinion, you may think that but your next sentence contradicts that opinion.

Anyadviceforme wrote: »

For the record, I'm Male, 20 and i know i'm not the worst looking person in the world. I have an athletic build, full head of hair, clear skin. My friends always think i'm just as good with women as they are but i'm not.

You've got stuff going for you, you just need to believe that. I think the best thing you can do is just chat to girls with no assumption its going to lead any where, it'll take the pressure off you and after a while you'll just find yourself chatting normally and cracking jokes with ease.

No one I know was born with social skills, we all just develop them, how do you develop them? Practice. As one poster mentioned, talk to people, anyone, cashiers in shops (if its quiet) people in your college class or work who you wouldn't know well and it doens't matter if its awkard as they're of little impact (and who knows, you might make a few new friends along the way!)

As for the end of the night, if you're both still a little shy about things, a simple phrase like, "Hey, I really enjoyed tonight, any chance I could get your number and give you a text during the week?" followed by said text a day later (don't leave girls hanging, depsite what your mates may think, it does not impress them) A text that night is too soon, the next day is about right, something simple like, "Hey its Dave, really enjoyed last night, just wondering if you'd like to get X or Y (e.g. lunch or coffee) during the week or something?" don't freak out if she doesn't reply straight away, give it time, you don't know what she's doing that she's away from her phone so send the text and try not to think about until you get a reply.

And if no reply, don't let it get you down, chalk it down to experience and remember you kept a girls attention for a night, made her laugh, had a dance and flirt and your social skills are simply improving for the next time.

December2012

I wish I could thank the above post more!

Gold there!

It's not unusual to have difficulty talking to strangers - weren't we all told not to talk to strangers when we were younger?

Try and avoid questions that give a yes/no answer - they can stop a conversation dead!

This applies in any situation. You can talk about the same thing, but in a different way "where do you work?" Is better than "do you work with X?"

Keep taking opportunities in your non-pulling life to talk to women.

We don't bite! And were probably as nervous / anxious as you.