How to say it

LegacyUser

I love my wife, find her hilarious and she is a wonderful person, but I have slowly lost my interest in having sex with her, we still hug and kiss but that's been it for a few months. I want to want her but the lust just isn't there. Over the last year she has put on quite a bit of weight but I don't want to be that shallow kind of person but it is something that is in the way. Since she put on the weight she has been more shy about her body. I don't know. I have tried to help her lose some weight and even though she says she wants to she doesn't want to go for a walk and that makes me feel like I am trying to change her, I hate that feeling I don't want to change her but I want her to be more comfortable with her own body so I can be more comfortable with her body. I know this is sounding very selfish and but she is getting upset that I have lessened my sex drive too, I don't know how to fix this.

blatantrereg

You don't sound selfish really. You're talking about things from her point of view moreso than your own.

You can offer reassurance that you still find her attractive and love her etc while also encouraging her to lose weight. Taking the standpoint of being concerned about her health rather than her beauty is the best way for that. Being supportive and concerned rather than critical or something.

Typer Monkey

Or instead of pussy footing around the issue you could just be honest and tell her that you are less sexually attracted to her because of her weight. You put it pretty well in your post, just say something similar. Sexual attraction and contact is essential in a relationship. You have identified the problem and you owe it to her to allow her a chance to salvage your sexual relationship before it's too late.

I'd certainly want to know if my partner had gone off me, especially if I could do something about it

a posse ad esse

You are better off telling her and being honest. Maybe it may give her the motivation to do something. I gained one stone and it does show when you are 5'1" and my husband told me that I was gaining weight upfront. I wasn't upset at him. How could I be upset when he was speaking the truth? It was an eye opener for me to do something about it then and I lost the weight in less than 3 months. I think it is how you say it, if you are name calling her or being insulting that is a different manner. You said that she is upset with herself, maybe speak to her using that angle instead. Tell her you've noticed her change in personality when she started to gain weight and offer her support along the way. I was very happy my husband told me upfront, because who knows what would have happened? I could have continued with my bad habits eating later at night and then gain additional weight.

I believe in a marriage you have to be able to communicate opnely and honestly even if it hurts sometimes. Nothing is worse than not saying anything and "pretending" things are ok when they are not because let's face it she knows something is up as you are no longer engaging in sex. She probably senses you are no longer sexually attracted to her. I personally think silence is worse. Tell her softly that you are concerned and in the end you may end up saving her life by preventing type II diabetes and other overweight related illnesses and improve her self esteem.

jdsk2006

I can relate to your wifes position and i can pretty much guarantee you my hubby could have related to your position. Only problem was my dh spared me the "insult" of the truth......and even now won't admit my weight affected him like that (I'm a lot thinner now again)
It took a while but i eventually figured it out myself and got off my fat arse once the penny dropped! He could have saved me a lot of worry and upset if he had just sat me down and told me straight out followed by lots of hugs, reassurance and support......in other words use your insult in the most loving way possible. I'm all for transparency

ShaShaBear

Have you guys got a Wii? Zumba is great on it for toning up and losing a few pounds, and I've been told it looks quite "tantalising" by my OH when he watches me. I think there might even be a double option that you can do together. If you even go first, and make a complete ass out of yourself, perhaps she won't feel so bad. It's quite normal for woman to put on weight when they are committed to a relationship - we feel comfortable with our partner and don't feel the need to maintain high beauty standards. But, as with your OH, it can go a little too far. I asked my OH to take me shopping for new jeans that fit, and he said "Sure I'll take you honey, but perhaps we should come up with a plan to help you lose the weight so all your old favourite pairs will fit." He was, of course, perfectly right. Ten weeks later I had lost 1.5 stone and I feel fantastic again.

It can be hard to say Im sure, but the second you say it, assure her you still love her to bits and you are not going anywhere and you'll help her as much as you can. It's not a bad thing to say to someone unless it results in an ultimatum.

Magicmatilda

Maybe it's her confidence that was attractive to you and that has waned since she put on weight. So say it to her that she seems less confident with her body and more uncomfortable and that makes it uncomfortable for you.