How do I make her stop doing this!?

LegacyUser

HI,

I was out with friends in Dublin last weekend. I met a guy out who I briefly met a few times casually through work last year. He doesn't work with me, just to be clear. Anyway I had a crush on him and this friend knew this. I was chatting away to him, delighted to have met him out. Anyway, I'm quite shy around him so eventually I said I had to find my friends (they'd subsequently disappeared).

I later found one of my friends, who has a boyfriend, dancing suggestively (i.e. rubbing herself all over him) with him on the dance-floor. I had already told her I liked him. She pulled me over to them but I felt really awkward then so I left. I told her to cut it out and she stormed off. Later on she seemed a bit sour with me, but then again so was I with her. The following day I just let it go as there were a few of us there, lads and girls included, and I didn't want to cause a row.

It's not even that nothing happened between me and this guy; whatever, like maybe he wasn't interested anyway and there are plenty more fish in the sea. It's that I find her disregard for my feelings really inconsiderate. She gained nothing from it but a stroking of her ego because she's with someone anyway.

This isn't the first time it's happened either. I had a huge crush on one of our friends a few years ago and we'd kissed a few times and she used to drape herself all over him, kiss the side of his face and flirt outrageously with him in front of me. How do I address this with her without starting a huge fight? She's a huge natural flirt anyway so this behaviour is pretty normalised for her.

judgefudge

Yeah it's a very inconsiderate way to act, and just shows how insecure she is if she needs that level of attention all the time. There's only one thing you can do and that's sit her down reasonably and tell her it upset you. Can't guarantee she'll stop but at least get your feelings on the matter out in the open.

desbrook

A fight won't change this person and neither will a quiet word . You should have learnt your lesson by now - don't dream of telling her you like someone . In fact the less people you tell you like someone the better . Nearly every group has someone like this . Sadly they are usually girls but the good news is guys can spot them a mile off

This means they will sort out the decent guys for you .Just stand within eyeline of the guy and shake your head smiling . If he smiles back he knows the deal and you could be chatting to him soon . If the guy responds to her "dirty Dancing" he wasn't worth knowing anyway . He's probably drunk or a bit shallow .

Another game is to let her think you are mad into someone you aren't . She'll spend so much time after him you'll get rid of her for ages !

Forever Hopeful

desbrook wrote: »

A fight won't change this person and neither will a quiet word . You should have learnt your lesson by now - don't dream of telling her you like someone . In fact the less people you tell you like someone the better . Nearly every group has someone like this . Sadly they are usually girls but the good news is guys can spot them a mile off

This means they will sort out the decent guys for you .Just stand within eyeline of the guy and shake your head smiling . If he smiles back he knows the deal and you could be chatting to him soon . If the guy responds to her "dirty Dancing" he wasn't worth knowing anyway . He's probably drunk or a bit shallow .

Another game is to let her think you are mad into someone you aren't . She'll spend so much time after him you'll get rid of her for ages !

Excellent advice!!
Op, I had a friend like that too and I know how incredible annoying it can be. There's no point trying to understand why they do it but usually got to do with insecurity on their part, attention seeking or as a friend said to me 'I'm only trying to help'. Argh.
Desbook is right, you can use this to your advantage but that is hard when you really like someone and your coupled up friend is drawing all their attention.
Keep your own counsel. That's what I did and my friend started asking me who I liked or did I fancy anyone who was in our company. In the end I told her nothing. Its a shame but it saved me from a wrecked head.

As a side point: I discovered later that her longterm BF was cracking on to our friends telling them he wished my friend was more like them. She's a stunning girl and I was shocked. So you never know what's behind the behaviour.

mygoat

My own sister used to act exactly the same as your friend, when we were young teens. When I told her it was hurting me, she gave me a triumphant smile... this is when I realised that she wasn't doing it in spite of the pain she was causing but because of it.

Perhaps this girl is just thoughtless or maybe she is cruel, I don't know. What I do know is that there is nothing you can do to stop her doing what she is doing. The only way to spare yourself the pain is to tell her nothing about people you fancy.

PS She is not your friend.

AmberAmber

only just a few weeks ago, maybe be 3 months ago come to the same thought about my very good friends that any time i even mention i think a guy is nice or that i might try get to know a guy better she goes all about him, always picking up mobile numbers no bother and mad on Facebook so always then goes on in my face that this fella and that fella is always texting her or sending messages on Facebook , and forgets i may have said i liked the guy or was chatting on a night out. We both have different taste in men so i dont understand it. its attention seeking i guess, i am too polite to say any thing. even two of my ex she hounds with the same carry on, last yr when i was dateing a guy for a few months she was non stop texting him every day. I did not feel good about it and thought for a while it was him !!! untill he said it to me. made a firm decision to just not tell her ! if i like any one i keep it to my self and make my way but i am very shy to make a move so it is difficult. we are in our 30's !! so its not teen games or maybe it is !!!


my advice from experience so far is don't say a thing. its not easy . but i am starting to feel better . i was very upset , i was in tears one day over it and thats when i knew i had to change my point of view.

dellas1979

AmberAmber wrote: »

and thats when i knew i had to change my point of view.

Or change your friends...

Nicman

Why is it that people's advice for these situations is to avoid a row, don't tell her this, don't tell her that blah blah blah (see below link).

Why are you hanging out with such a d*ck??!!!!! Oh my God drop her like a hot potato! Easier said that done I hear you say?? Maybe, but I - as a fellow female with sh!tty friends who just drain every ounce of positivity and energy from you - have also dropped some useless friends who behaved in similar ways or worse sometimes.

Why are you wasting time on Boards OP??? Lose the fool! If she asks why then tell her she's a jealous leech (or whatever colourful language you wish to use) - you don't need friends like this because someday she will take it further and possibly ruin something great in your life. Said it before and I'll say it again - grow a set!

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056991121&utm_source=notification&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=digestthread

Taltos

Nicman

having posted in PI/RI before you know we are strictly moderated. Take some time now to read our charter - if you find you cannot post without breaking one of the rules then please don't post as serious breaches can result in immediate bans.

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Thanks
Taltos

Nicman

Hands up - my apologies Taltos and Frenchify. I didn't know you couldn't link another thread but the rest, there's no excuse for.

I hope I didn't offend OP or that the tone came across as nasty to you. I'm sorry for this , it was not intended. God here I am talking about dropping negative friends and the whole tone of my post is nothing but! Apologies for the hypocrisy.

What I meant, and what I should have said were that I've been there before where you have a friend who tends to make you unhappy for whatever reason and it comes to a point where you think "this is not how friends are supposed to make each other feel, we're supposed to be there for each other and make each other feel good about ourselves".

That is why I think your life may be a happier place without her but that's your decision I guess. Jealousy and vindictiveness from a trusted person in your life can create a whole pile of sadness and negativity in you so I'm just saying - question your entire friendship with this girl and what you are actually getting out of it.

Again, sorry for the harshness. I wouldn't have bothered posting if I didn't care about your situation, I guess this sort of stuff frustrates me cause there's so many selfish girls out there leeching from the nice ones which is obviously whats going on with you?