Time to walk away?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

Post anon as this is a very personal issue for me. Last nite the other hall walked his best friends sister home and then he gave her a kiss on the lips (no tongues so I'm told), he had been out all day with the lads. He only goes out about twice a year on these sort of sessions

The only reason I found out is because he left his phone and Facebook was open and a message pops up, wrong so i read it, i just had a feeling that something wasn't right, I would never normally look at his phone, nor him at mine.

Both have admitted to it, apologies from both ends, himself obviously more so.
We're with each other 11 years, engaged for 3, planning out wedding and he does this.. He swears down there was no feelings, or there has been no contact previous to this. Spoke with my mam on this and she's all forgive but don't forget. Right now I'm angry/upset and ready to walk away. Am I mad to throw it all away? I'm feeling that this is the only incident i know about, and I only know cos he got caught.

Any opinions/observations are welcome, my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't know what to do

Neyite

Right now, you can take as much time to decide what you want to do. You dont need to decide right away. There is no right thing to do, for some, a kiss is a deal-breaker, for others its a wake up call to refocus on their relationship. And it fully depends on you and him what happens now.

Things to consider would be:
Is this out of character (or is he a flirty type?)
Do you consider the trust well and truly broken?
How "cheating" do you consider it? is it a deal breaker for you?
Is he genuinely remorseful, taking full responsibility for his actions, and willing to do what you ask (for instance, show you his phone messages etc) to ensure that he is fully open and honest with you?

But for now, its no harm to ask him to give you some space and stay with a friend while you consider your options. And you can consider them for as long as it takes you to process it. Its also no harm to put the wedding plans on hold until you know how you feel.

Cheaters tend to follow a script - they deny, minimise, and only admit what they have been caught doing. So, for instance, if they were caught sexting, it was just flirting, not an emotional affair, if they were caught having sex, it was just the once etc. They also quickly get defensive if they arent being let off the hook quick enough, and begin to lay blame at their partners feet.

This to me sounds like a drunken mistake. (others may feel differently) Personally, I'd probably forgive, but not without making him move out temporarily to have a good long think about what he is potentially losing, and making him realise that he would be lucky to get a second chance.

P. Breathnach

You'd throw away 11 years of a good relationship for about 11 seconds of stupidity?

Take several steps back from the brink.

Yes, he was wrong; yes, you have a right to be somewhat upset. But do you really think that he no longer loves you, and is now incapable of being faithful?

Have you never done something stupid? If you haven't, then you are a very unusual person. We all go through life needing a bit of forgiveness now and again. Forgive him this one - but it's okay to emphasise how upset you were by his stupid mistake.

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your feedback and thoughts. We spent the night apart and I'm still none the wiser.

Yes, I'm considering ending out relationship over this kiss.

It's the betrayal after all these years, not the kiss itself that kills me. I just can't comprehend how that's the action he done. I know it's only a kiss but if your instinct is to kiss someone else, where is the love and lotalty?

He is extremely remorseful and I would say this is out of character for him. He gave me his phone before he left yesterday and all his log ins for his phone bill, Facebook and emails. To be fair he's not very hi-tech so I don't think he'd be smart enough to have deleted all traces of any contact on his emails(all are archived,iPhone) and i went through the phone bill and didn't find anything of concern. Facebook mails were however empty bar the one I seen.

I've calmed down a bit and but it's the what ifs that's killing me, he swears there was no one else? What if I accept this, am I being a pushover and saying ill take this sort of behaviour, I don't know how you can really trust someone after this sort of incident, I know he didn't sleep with someone of have an affair, but it's still kills me.

Hopefully another few nights apart will clear the auld head, and maybe the heart will know what to do!

Thanks All xx