Virginity a turn-off?

LegacyUser

I'm a little wary of posting this, even as a guest - but here goes:

I have been seeing a lovely guy for the two months. All is going great and it feels like things are getting to the next level, so to speak. Anyways, to cut a long story short I am still a virgin (at 27....) and I am seriously worried that he will go running for the hills if and when I tell him. . . .

A bit of background - I had a bad experience on holidays abroad when I was younger - I was almost another rape statistic; luckily I got away but I was quite badly assaulted - bruised etc. Since then I have quite literally shut off that part of me. I have always get approached a lot when I'm out and told I'm pretty etc etc but I suppose I put up a wall around me bit I want this to change.

I have a relatively 'normal', happy life in all other aspects - apart from this.... I am just wondering how to say this to someone.... I told good friends of mine a few years ago - a couple - and they nearly fell off their chairs in shock and actually made me feel even more of an oddball than I already to in relation to this situation!! Then they started talking about single fellas they knew that could 'help me out' -but it's not that I have a problem attracting them it's just this virginity issue is hanging over me!

So I am just wondering is it considered freakish to still be a virgin at my age - as it certainly feels like it..... and how do I go about telling the guy I am seeing.

Any advice would be appreciated.

downwesht

If you've met such a decent guy he will understand,put his arms around you and give you a warm and assuring hug.
Be honest and open and don't be ashamed,be proud and confident..you have nothing to be guilty of.Take your relationship at the pace you want and do only what you are comfotable with....and relax!

knucklehead6

OP, I'm going with the assumption that you want this guy to be your first? All I can suggest is to say it to him, in much the same way you've said it here. No one who is worthwhile is going to consider it even remotely freaky.

I didn't go near the sea for years on holidays after nearly drowning in a capsized boat. You had a more traumatic experience, and it's totally understandable that you "don't want to go near the sea" as it were until now.

If anything, this guy will be highly flattered.

YumCha

There's two things for me - one is losing your virginity, and the other is retraining yourself to think about sex in a different way than you have been for the last however many years.

On the losing your virginity side, I won't lie - at your age you're in the minority and he might be initially shocked, but I only know that from being in exactly the same position. After the shock though any man worth his salt shouldn't run for the hills, but instead be considerate, understanding, and take things at your own pace.

The other thing is probably a bigger kettle of fish though - I know it was a long time ago but have you considered getting counselling? It could be a really good idea to talk to someone about all of this, especially considering the amount of time you've been holding onto it.

Also I read this article recently and thought it was brilliant, it might be helpful http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/12-things-no-one-told-me-about-sex-after-rape/

There's no magical way to bring it up - so just go for it! Plus if it's been two months - he sounds like exactly the sort of guy you could trust with this... good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here; Thanks for the replies; I don't feel so panicky about the whole issue now - thanks for the reassuring words :-)

jantheman91

Virginity is generally only a turn-off for women, not men.

Wouldn't worry about it.

Esoteric_

jantheman91 wrote: »

Virginity is generally only a turn-off for women, not men.

Wouldn't worry about it.

That's not true, it's an issue for some people, not a specific gender. Out of all the people I've slept with (I'm female, all bar one were virgins.

Op, don't stress too much. Do you WANT to sleep with him? If you do, discuss it with him. Honestly, he's waited two months, which not a lot of people I know are willing to do, so I'd imagine he's fairly caring and would be receptive to talking about it. I had issues with sex for many years after rape and honestly, the few guys I told about it were all great, really receptive and kind about it, and gave me the time I needed to be comfortable.

It's not a nice discussion to have, but you'll feel much better after it. Best of luck

Irish_Elect_Eng

It's nice to hear that you are in a positive relationship now.

As a previous poster has said you have two intertwined issues. Getting over your trauma and its related impact on your sexual beliefs and losing your virginity.

Some good advice on counselling, there are professional counselors out there that can help a lot with this. Think of it as investing in your health and your future relationship.

To me this all comes down to one thing, trust. When the time comes, if you trust your partner and your own feelings enough everything will be fine. This may take some preparation and sharing this with your partner is a big step forward.

The Corinthian

Dove456 wrote: »

I have been seeing a lovely guy for the two months. All is going great and it feels like things are getting to the next level, so to speak. Anyways, to cut a long story short I am still a virgin (at 27....) and I am seriously worried that he will go running for the hills if and when I tell him. . . .

I'm male and have generally avoided virgins like the plague. Other than the act being one where you have to be physically much more careful, taking a woman's virginity is a big pressure for a man; you've a responsibility to leave with her the best possible memory of something that only happens once in her life, which means, on a sexual level, you're not going to enjoy it all that much.

Given this, it's something you'll only have to do once and if you're someone you care about, then you'll ultimately have no problem doing this for them. And to a great degree, it is a privilege to be chosen for this task.

There's nothing hugely freakish being a virgin at 27; unusual yes, but freakish would be exaggerating. And even if he's like me and generally would avoid virgins, he won't go running because he's with you because of you, at this stage, not because of those more superficial reasons that one pursues or rejects when they first meet someone.

Ultimately, being a virgin won't change his option of you now. Having severe hang-ups about sex, intimacy or nudity is far more likely to do that, but that's got nothing to do with virginity.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

I'm male and have generally avoided virgins like the plague. Other than the act being one where you have to be physically much more careful, taking a woman's virginity is a big pressure for a man; you've a responsibility to leave with her the best possible memory of something that only happens once in her life, which means, on a sexual level, you're not going to enjoy it all that much.

Given this, it's something you'll only have to do once and if you're someone you care about, then you'll ultimately have no problem doing this for them. And to a great degree, it is a privilege to be chosen for this task.

There's nothing hugely freakish being a virgin at 27; unusual yes, but freakish would be exaggerating. And even if he's like me and generally would avoid virgins, he won't go running because he's with you because of you, at this stage, not because of those more superficial reasons that one pursues or rejects when they first meet someone.

Ultimately, being a virgin won't change his option of you now. Having severe hang-ups about sex, intimacy or nudity is far more likely to do that, but that's got nothing to do with virginity.

I admire your honesty - "avoided virgins like the plague" lol!! Thanks for the reply though; it makes a lot of sense.