Is it ending?

LegacyUser

I've recently moved in with my boyfriend and his friend. The three of us get along well, and i spent all of my time in my boyfriends house anyway so it seemed like a logical solution when they were moving in together.
before we moved we were best friends first and foremost, we'd lay on the bed and talk about absolutely nothing for hours and just be laughing and joking and very very rarely would we fight.

Since moving in together i feel like i've been kicked to the side. The two lads spend all their time playing strategy games online and i have no interest in this. This literally happens from the minute they come home from work until they go to bed so i spend my evening alone and we never spend any time together any more.

I've spoken to my boyfriend about making some time for me, but he feels I am being unreasonable. He did make an effort and started coming off at 9 or so to spend some time with me, which was good but he was still distracted and his friend was still bursting in and telling him all the interesting happenings of the game, and i could tell that he didn't want to be spending time with me, that he would rather be playing the game.

The way it is now, I feel like i've lost him. our relationship is not the way it was, and i am unsure if we will ever get it back. He used to be my partner but now he seems to have partner'd up with somebody else and i'm just sitting waiting for him to want to spend time with me.

what do i do?

_dublinlad_

Sit him down and give him an ultimatum.

Its all well and good to have a hobby, but this just sounds petty and childish. If he was out of the house training with a team or something it could be understood and worked around, but the fact that he is in the same building as you and he spends all his free time doing it.... it needs to stop.

So yeah sit him down, say that you have already discussed with him that your unhappy with the amount of time he spends with this game and that you hardly see him anymore. Say you no longer want to discuss it anymore, and that its you or the game. Simple as.

Lorna123

I just don't think that this arrangement is ever going to work. Of course you didn't know this until you tried it. If I were you I would move back out again and go back to the way you were and if you ever want to move in with your b/f again let it just be the two of you. These computer games are very addictive and it is nearly impossible to stop playing them once you start, and his friend keeps egging him on which really doesn't help. I think you are just going to have to move out. There is no point in discussing this with him as it is a waste of time. At least if he has to get ready to meet up with you outside the house there would be no distractions and he would have to make an effort. That's the way I see it.

December2012

_dublinlad_ wrote: »

Sit him down and give him an ultimatum.

Its all well and good to have a hobby, but this just sounds petty and childish. If he was out of the house training with a team or something it could be understood and worked around, but the fact that he is in the same building as you and he spends all his free time doing it.... it needs to stop.

So yeah sit him down, say that you have already discussed with him that your unhappy with the amount of time he spends with this game and that you hardly see him anymore. Say you no longer want to discuss it anymore, and that its you or the game. Simple as.

I disagree with this - he is entitled to do whatever he wants and if online gaming is his hobby then so be it, it is not different if he's out of the house.

Why did you move in together? Did he actually ask you?

Do you have your own interests or are you reliant on him?

Even when it was just me and himself before kids we had separate hobbies and interests and did not spend all our free time together.

jdsk2006

If i were you i would make a lot of plans that dont include him over the next 10 days or so. Now not in a childish "im gettin ya back" way......you need to be cheery and pleasant, affectionate in moderate portions (ie not needy/clingy) and just cool and confident when saying your heading for a day at beach with mary or meeting lucy for drinks etc etc. Trust me he will notice how unavailable you are and will either drop the games console or he wont .....and there ya have your answer!

Sometimes talking isnt always the best option

LegacyUser

Lorna123 wrote: »

I just don't think that this arrangement is ever going to work. Of course you didn't know this until you tried it. If I were you I would move back out again and go back to the way you were and if you ever want to move in with your b/f again let it just be the two of you. These computer games are very addictive and it is nearly impossible to stop playing them once you start, and his friend keeps egging him on which really doesn't help. I think you are just going to have to move out. There is no point in discussing this with him as it is a waste of time. At least if he has to get ready to meet up with you outside the house there would be no distractions and he would have to make an effort. That's the way I see it.

i agree with you, but the problem is i really can't afford to move at the minute.

And December2012 i do agree that it is his hobby and I should not be asking him to give it up, thats not what i'm asking him to do. All i want is for him to stop taking our relationship for granted, and remember that I am with him because I love him and want to be with him, not because I have to. He doesn't confide in me any more, and he used to tell me things he would tell nobody else. I ask him to come off around 9, come into the bedroom with me and we can just lay and talk and catch up like we used to, just the two of us. I don't think I am being completely unreasonable in that. maybe i am wrong?

The two lads were out tonight and when he came back he was very stand off-ish and uncomfortable, i thought something bad had happened and when i asked him about it he said "nothing its fine". I probed him again and i got cursed out of it to the point of leaving me in tears (hence being on boards at half five in the morning).

He will be gone for the weekend so I will be asking him not to contact me during that time. I think we both need some breathing space to decide what we want. I can't keep going like this.

jantheman91

Try and take an interest in the strategy games even if they're not interesting to you.

I've always found that when a girl takes an interest in anything a guy likes it's very much appreciated and vice versa.

Guarantee if you take an interest he'll appreciate it. I know i would.

Esoteric_

boyfriend_dilemma wrote: »

i agree with you, but the problem is i really can't afford to move at the minute.

And December2012 i do agree that it is his hobby and I should not be asking him to give it up, thats not what i'm asking him to do. All i want is for him to stop taking our relationship for granted, and remember that I am with him because I love him and want to be with him, not because I have to. He doesn't confide in me any more, and he used to tell me things he would tell nobody else. I ask him to come off around 9, come into the bedroom with me and we can just lay and talk and catch up like we used to, just the two of us. I don't think I am being completely unreasonable in that. maybe i am wrong?

The two lads were out tonight and when he came back he was very stand off-ish and uncomfortable, i thought something bad had happened and when i asked him about it he said "nothing its fine". I probed him again and i got cursed out of it to the point of leaving me in tears (hence being on boards at half five in the morning).

He will be gone for the weekend so I will be asking him not to contact me during that time. I think we both need some breathing space to decide what we want. I can't keep going like this.

That behaviour is not on. He's not giving you any attention or love when you're being reasonable about it! I would normally say you shouldn't have probed a second time, but with the way he's been treating you, how could you NOT be insecure enough to question him?

Reacting to you like that is bang out of order. I know you can't afford to move out but surely you're paying rent there? Look into a house share and if the deposit is an issue, ask a friend or family member can you stay for a few weeks while you save up a deposit.

Clearly the arrangement isn't working, he's taking you for granted and putting a game above you. I've dated two obsessive gamers and they'd still both make time for me whenever I wanted. He is choosing not to.

LegacyUser

Esoteric_ i think you are right. I was really upset when he spoke to me that way. I was really shocked also. i didn't contact him at all yesterday (worked a 12 hour nursing shift on two hours sleep. when he got me upset i couldn't get back off again). He eventually text me saying he didn't know what we were arguing about but he was sorry, so i told him exactly what he had said. I told him that we have to sit down and talk this evening when he gets home and discuss what is best because at the minute this relationship is toxic.
So we will see how it goes. Will keep you posted, and thank you all for your posts.