Unfinished business, hole in life

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I dont have any major issue myself at the moment but this post is more to do with a friend of mine. Ill start off with a bit of background to the situation

Oh and sorry in advance for the long rant

Ive been friends with this lad since first year of secondary school, and over the years we became best friends, basically brothers and are families knew each other very well as well. We both ended up in the same University as each other and around that time of the 1st year of Uni I noticed my friend started to get more reluctant to come out and hang with me or the lads and he withdrew from most social events that were going on.

Eventually one of my other close friends pointed out to me that he could be depressed as he noticed as well something wasint up with him, so I confronted my best-friend about this and he assured me nothing was wrong with him and that he was grand.

When we entered into 2nd year of Uni my friend told me just before we were going back that he had decided to transfer to a uni closer to home, this was a bit of a shock as he had never mentioned any intention to do, he also over that year started ignoring my calls and text messages, only way I could hang around with him was to call down to his house when I was back from uni and he would always stay in never come out when invited. I let it go as my friend just being his stubborn self, looking back on it I wish I had picked up on this earlier and tried to say something to him again.

Come the summer of are 2nd year I decided to go on a J1 summer to the USA with a few friends I tried my hardest to convince my best friend to tag along, but he was having none of it and kept saying he would see me when I got back. The summer went by with me not hearing much from my friend and I had a great time, however at the end of the summer I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my friend had left home without telling anyone, days went by without word of him, eventually he turned up in Dublin, but was refusing to talk to his family, me or any other people.

When I arrived back in Ireland I rang him, emailed him, text him but he was not interested, eventually I went on into 3rd year of uni I kept heading down to his mothers house to see if I could find out more info about how he was doing, his family were only getting bits of info here and there about him, but knew he was safe and had found accommodation. I just couldn't believe he had done this to his family and everyone else, I was shocked at first and then I got angry and didint want to here anything about him eventually my family explained to me that obviously something was not right with him whether it be depression or something else.

After 3rd year ended I got a place in a university in the UK and since then I have move over and completed my final year, life has really moved on for me and Ive met loads of new people, I plan on staying here for a while anyways and start working.

But it just feels like a black hole in my life, like I have unfinished business back in Ireland, I wish I could talk to my friend I mean we were practically brothers and went through so much with each other through highs and lows. I know he has been talking to his parents since Ive moved over to the UK but I think things are still fragile so his family are being very careful about what they say to him in order to make sure he doesint do another runner or something stupid. I might be back in Ireland in August and I feel like because I wont be back there again for a long time maybe over a year I should try get into contact with him by showing up in Dublin.
I just dont know if this is a good idea or what, or if I should just move on and forget him, I feel like I owe it to him to get into contact again and he owes it to me after so long.

I dont really know what Ive got out of writing this but I had to get it off my chest, Im open to hearing ideas from others on here, who may have been through the same situation or who may have been a person who went through something similar to my friend.

Starokan

Marty88 wrote: »

Hi everyone I dont have any major issue myself at the moment but this post is more to do with a friend of mine. Ill start off with a bit of background to the situation

Oh and sorry in advance for the long rant

Ive been friends with this lad since first year of secondary school, and over the years we became best friends, basically brothers and are families knew each other very well as well. We both ended up in the same University as each other and around that time of the 1st year of Uni I noticed my friend started to get more reluctant to come out and hang with me or the lads and he withdrew from most social events that were going on.

Eventually one of my other close friends pointed out to me that he could be depressed as he noticed as well something wasint up with him, so I confronted my best-friend about this and he assured me nothing was wrong with him and that he was grand.

When we entered into 2nd year of Uni my friend told me just before we were going back that he had decided to transfer to a uni closer to home, this was a bit of a shock as he had never mentioned any intention to do, he also over that year started ignoring my calls and text messages, only way I could hang around with him was to call down to his house when I was back from uni and he would always stay in never come out when invited. I let it go as my friend just being his stubborn self, looking back on it I wish I had picked up on this earlier and tried to say something to him again.

Come the summer of are 2nd year I decided to go on a J1 summer to the USA with a few friends I tried my hardest to convince my best friend to tag along, but he was having none of it and kept saying he would see me when I got back. The summer went by with me not hearing much from my friend and I had a great time, however at the end of the summer I got a phone call from my mother telling me that my friend had left home without telling anyone, days went by without word of him, eventually he turned up in Dublin, but was refusing to talk to his family, me or any other people.

When I arrived back in Ireland I rang him, emailed him, text him but he was not interested, eventually I went on into 3rd year of uni I kept heading down to his mothers house to see if I could find out more info about how he was doing, his family were only getting bits of info here and there about him, but knew he was safe and had found accommodation. I just couldn't believe he had done this to his family and everyone else, I was shocked at first and then I got angry and didint want to here anything about him eventually my family explained to me that obviously something was not right with him whether it be depression or something else.

After 3rd year ended I got a place in a university in the UK and since then I have move over and completed my final year, life has really moved on for me and Ive met loads of new people, I plan on staying here for a while anyways and start working.

But it just feels like a black hole in my life, like I have unfinished business back in Ireland, I wish I could talk to my friend I mean we were practically brothers and went through so much with each other through highs and lows. I know he has been talking to his parents since Ive moved over to the UK but I think things are still fragile so his family are being very careful about what they say to him in order to make sure he doesint do another runner or something stupid. I might be back in Ireland in August and I feel like because I wont be back there again for a long time maybe over a year I should try get into contact with him by showing up in Dublin.
I just dont know if this is a good idea or what, or if I should just move on and forget him, I feel like I owe it to him to get into contact again and he owes it to me after so long.

I dont really know what Ive got out of writing this but I had to get it off my chest, Im open to hearing ideas from others on here, who may have been through the same situation or who may have been a person who went through something similar to my friend.

I dont think you can do any more than you have done, he for whatever is the reasons does not want to have you and others constantly in his life. It could well be depression but it also could be just the way his personality has developed. This behaviour is going on a long time now.

If you wish perhaps from time to time drop a short text or email to see how he is and if he responds dont crowd him or question him or look for reasons. That wont help , just drop an answer back and see if the friendship reignites

LegacyUser

Starokan wrote: »

I dont think you can do any more than you have done, he for whatever is the reasons does not want to have you and others constantly in his life. It could well be depression but it also could be just the way his personality has developed. This behaviour is going on a long time now.

If you wish perhaps from time to time drop a short text or email to see how he is and if he responds dont crowd him or question him or look for reasons. That wont help , just drop an answer back and see if the friendship reignites

Ya I think your right, there is nothing I can really do beyond what I have done so far. I have not got an email or phone number for him as he dumped his known ones. He has a new number now which his family have got hold of so I might try give him a buzz. Im worried though if I give him a ring and tell him who I am he will just hang up and then thats it.

Thing is if I got the chance to talk to him again I wouldn't bother with questioning his motives or what he has done, at this stage all I want to do is have a friendly chat with him like old times.
But I guess things have really changed and especially in his world I think, for me he just sort of a big part of my life frozen so I remember him as the same lad like nothings changed.

I think what really makes me want to try keep in touch with him is the fact that over the years we have been through a lot and have seen some good friends go down bad paths so in my mind I just cant allow that to happen to him. But I have no control over this which really gets me annoyed.

thefeatheredcat

Marty88 wrote: »

I know he has been talking to his parents since Ive moved over to the UK but I think things are still fragile so his family are being very careful about what they say to him in order to make sure he doesint do another runner or something stupid. I might be back in Ireland in August and I feel like because I wont be back there again for a long time maybe over a year I should try get into contact with him by showing up in Dublin.
I just dont know if this is a good idea or what, or if I should just move on and forget him, I feel like I owe it to him to get into contact again and he owes it to me after so long.

Marty88 wrote: »

He has a new number now which his family have got hold of so I might try give him a buzz. Im worried though if I give him a ring and tell him who I am he will just hang up and then thats it.

I detect a hint of self blame in your post OP... And I think you need to be told: It's not your fault. You're not to blame for him withdrawing from social activities in Uni and pulling away from you and others. You're not to blame for "not spotting" a problem that he had that he did not talk with anyone about. He kept whatever the problem was to himself, hid it from his close friends and family and even when confronted about it by you, he assured you nothing was wrong. It is not your fault that he disappeared and you are not to blame for what happened.

I think it's a big of a risk to make contact if there's even a hint of a chance that rather than being hung up on, he'd change his number, if things are that delicate with him. Or if you showed up in Dublin, that he'd disappear. How do his parents feel about you making contact by either method? Have they asked you to make contact or have they always been supportive of you and your efforts to contact him that they would be ok with it if you did call him on his new number or show up to meet him? If it weren't for the fact that the parents are on delicate terms with him and could risk the relationship they have with him right now, I'd actually be supportive of making contact. But there's a bit more than just you and him in this equation and I'd be very cautious about making contact just in case it does mess up things between him and his family.

Have you discussed this all with his family? Maybe leaving your contact details or address in the UK (even when you move over time) with them if he wants to get into contact might be a better way and leave him an open invite to make contact with you.

I suppose it would be how delicate things really are; I mean if he doesn't know you have his new number, it could break whatever trust and balance there is between him and his parents, even if his parents passed it onto you specifically for contacting him with their consent, just without his knowledge.

I think OP you should move on with your life. And I think that rather than forgetting about him, you just need to let go of the situation.

Edit: Just on this:

Marty88 wrote: »

I think what really makes me want to try keep in touch with him is the fact that over the years we have been through a lot and have seen some good friends go down bad paths so in my mind I just cant allow that to happen to him. But I have no control over this which really gets me annoyed.

OP I've been through bad stuff, I've known others to go through hell too and been there for them, and I've found out from once close friends they were going through hell and never told me and I felt really really bad that I was not there for them through it, but only told after that and really I just was crushed. I've even been in that position of being cut out of someone's life during a bad time in theirs. It's hard to know someone you care about is going through something, the instinct is always there to offer to help and show support, to do something about it or help them somehow. Sometimes, for no real reason, we're not part of it. And as much as it hurts to be on the sidelines and not knowing how someone is, to feel that helpless, to want to offer protection and hope they don't go down a really awful path that yourself and others have gone down, sometimes it just has to be that way for no real reason. There's little that you can do, no matter how helpless you feel and how much you want to help, except do nothing but move on for your own sake.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I detect a hint of self blame in your post OP... And I think you need to be told: It's not your fault. You're not to blame for him withdrawing from social activities in Uni and pulling away from you and others. You're not to blame for "not spotting" a problem that he had that he did not talk with anyone about. He kept whatever the problem was to himself, hid it from his close friends and family and even when confronted about it by you, he assured you nothing was wrong. It is not your fault that he disappeared and you are not to blame for what happened.

I think it's a big of a risk to make contact if there's even a hint of a chance that rather than being hung up on, he'd change his number, if things are that delicate with him. Or if you showed up in Dublin, that he'd disappear. How do his parents feel about you making contact by either method? Have they asked you to make contact or have they always been supportive of you and your efforts to contact him that they would be ok with it if you did call him on his new number or show up to meet him? If it weren't for the fact that the parents are on delicate terms with him and could risk the relationship they have with him right now, I'd actually be supportive of making contact. But there's a bit more than just you and him in this equation and I'd be very cautious about making contact just in case it does mess up things between him and his family.

Have you discussed this all with his family? Maybe leaving your contact details or address in the UK (even when you move over time) with them if he wants to get into contact might be a better way and leave him an open invite to make contact with you.

I suppose it would be how delicate things really are; I mean if he doesn't know you have his new number, it could break whatever trust and balance there is between him and his parents, even if his parents passed it onto you specifically for contacting him with their consent, just without his knowledge.

I think OP you should move on with your life. And I think that rather than forgetting about him, you just need to let go of the situation.

Edit: Just on this:



OP I've been through bad stuff, I've known others to go through hell too and been there for them, and I've found out from once close friends they were going through hell and never told me and I felt really really bad that I was not there for them through it, but only told after that and really I just was crushed. I've even been in that position of being cut out of someone's life during a bad time in theirs. It's hard to know someone you care about is going through something, the instinct is always there to offer to help and show support, to do something about it or help them somehow. Sometimes, for no real reason, we're not part of it. And as much as it hurts to be on the sidelines and not knowing how someone is, to feel that helpless, to want to offer protection and hope they don't go down a really awful path that yourself and others have gone down, sometimes it just has to be that way for no real reason. There's little that you can do, no matter how helpless you feel and how much you want to help, except do nothing but move on for your own sake.

Cheers for the advice its given me some more perspective. I think what I will do is ask his family if they think he is up for me visiting him or just giving him a call. I dont want to push him further away from everyone so Ill play it safe.

Thanks again for the advice, I just needed to talk it out, and ya I suppose I did feel sort of responsible for not spotting the signs considering we were such close friends and had seen it happen with pther friends in the past with different issues.