what to do?

xxlauraxxox

hey guys im with a great guy for the past ten years and love the bones of him but lately things are starting to bug me. we moved in together 5years ago and we are currently renting and ive bought up the issue about buying (we both have good jobs and can afford it) he doesn't want to, ive bought up the issue about getting engaged his not interested in that either and when I mention kids he laughs at that too so clearly im starting to think we both want different things in life and we need to move on.im 28 and not getting any younger I wanna start making a home and start to settle down but my boyfriend just wants to take things one day at a time. I cant help but feel a little pinch of jealously when I hear this friend has got engaged, this one is pregnant etc etc the bullet came last night when his cousin and gf got engaged and they only together 2years. im starting to think im wasting my life with someone who sees no future for us

blatantrereg

Tell him you want to have a family, and that you want to make a clear plan about doing that. It's very reasonable in your position. Tie wanting to get engaged into that. Getting married offers advantages for all parties if you want to stay with someone long-term and raise kids.

Come away from the conversation/s with a clear (adaptable) plan that specifies a time-frame - or come away with the knowledge that he is not interested in having a family with you.

It's fine for him to take things one day at a time - men can have kids in their 60's and beyond. Women don't have the same luxury, so he needs to look at things from your point of view.

desbrook

The normal advice is to ask him and discuss your future . Not in this case . He's told you what he thinks and with guys quiz show rules apply - the first answer is the only one you should accept . If he wanted any of these things he would have said yea or more likely asked .

Don't feel bitter towards him - you were with him for five years then moved in and have lived with him for another five years with no clear direction . I cant imagine being together that long without any commitment - even buying a house and I'm a guy . He might feel you are changing the rules .

Anyway it's up to you but if you want such different things it doesn't look good .

Merkin

xxlauraxxox wrote: »

im starting to think im wasting my life with someone who sees no future for us

And that's what you need to establish for definite.

It will mean a very open and frank discussion with difficult questions as to what direction you are going in.

You have spent ten years already with this man and there has been no sign of any commitment so I'd be asking him:

If and when he wants to get engaged
If and when he intends to buy a place with you
If and when he wants to get married
If and when he want to have children with you

Vague promises of "maybe sometime" won't cut it after a ten year commitment so unless he makes it very clear that he wants the same things as you and within a reasonable time frame then I would be cutting my losses.

Ten years is a long time to spend on a relationship that's not going to go anywhere. I think his reaction to your previous discussions on these topics would suggest you're not going to get the answers you want unfortunately. Best to find out now though than waste another ten years.

newuser30

Does he want these things at some point in the future? If no then you have your answer. If yes but not sure when, you need to have another frank discussion of when, so you are not drifting aimlessly for next few years. But if he is sure he does not want these things with you it would be crazy to continue the relationship.
And dont get into this ridiculous competitive thing so many people are affected by. You get engaged if it's right and you both want it. Not because you're a certain age and it doesn't matter who you are with or what your situation is. Concentrate on what's right for you and your future.

LegacyUser

I would ask him when are we going to get engaged, buy a home, get married and have a family.
If he makes a joke of this or does not give you a proper answer at this stage I would end things. I would tell him that it is over between you as you can't waste any more time waiting for him to grow up after being a couple for the past 10 years.
I would also have a place lined up where you could stay for a while after you do this.
At this stage he needs to see that you are serious about what you want going forward in your life.
I would contact your friends and family and let them know why you ended things as I am sure they will be there for you after this.

I also want to tell you that if you end this relationship it is possible to meet someone that wants the same things as you.
One of the girls I was in school with met a man when she was in college. After being together for apox 8 years she ended things as he kept putting her off in regards to marriage/family. She is now married to another man and has 2 children.

At 28 you have time to move your life on if he is no longer part of it but if you stay with him thinking he will eventually change things this may not happen.
I know a woman who did this and her boyfriend did not change his mind. She is now in her mid 40 both single and childless because she spent time with a commitment phobic man until she was well into her 30's.

Goldenlady

OP, this is more than likely not the first time this conversation has come up and he has reacted like this. you need to make a decision about whether to walk away or not. Its very hard, Im just out of a similar situation and had to walk away...but I waited til Im 33, I wish I had done it a bit sooner. It will only get more frustrating in the relationship and you will start resenting him. If you feel he is open to it, then chat but do it soon, dont waste anymore time. xx