Friendship= competitiveness & one-up-woman-ship

kob29

Im in my mid 30s and consistently now find friendships rubbish, to be frank.
It seems to be near impossible to generate decent new ones with people married/marrying (&rejecting the outside world), talking of nothing except kids and pregnancy.
Existing friendships, if you could call them that are one sided, I make an effort, they dont unless it suits them. Then throw in a helping of stupid competitiveness and one-up-woman-ship and Im well and truly sick of it.

Being single that doesnt leave many options for socialising either so the vicious circle continues. Ive tried online dating...long after my patience for all the crap that goes with it ran out. The nearest meetup.com group runs nothing near activities of interest. People in the gym wear headphones/ people in the tennis club are married.

I genuinely spend more time talking to my two cats than humans now.

Emme

OP that sounds awful but if you don't live in or near a big city your situation is typical.

Emigration has denuded rural Ireland of single people under 45 and anyone who can leave is going, particularly men. Those who are left behind are often in the same situation as you.

If you can't improve things where you are you will have to look outside of your area. Can you move to a city? Quite a few people who attend meetup events in Dublin live up to one hour away from the city.

judgefudge

You didn't mention if you work but if you do is there any chance of gettin a few workmates together to go out?

If it helps at all I'm only 25 and from a relatively busy town but it's reached the point that so many people have moved away or as you said are too busy being couples that there's very few people left around to talk to.

I don't know if that's any help but you're very much not alone, it seems to be a common issue these days.

kob29

The biggest annoyance that the couple of existing friendships, if you could call them that are so fractured with competition and at this stage blatent lies. Im totally fed up of that unnecessary bs.

I like in a rural area, just under two hours from 3 main cities, so travelling like that isnt viable. But even with 3 towns within 30minutes its useless.

Workwise its not dissimilar and my work means I wont be relocating, it would be 99% impossible to get another job like it. I work with 55 people, about 70% female, those in their late 20's/30s are all reproducing like bunnies and actually have lost the capacity to talk about anything other than gynae issues and sma. And those in their 40s are obsessed with passing on their wisdom.

The mid 20s group are at the other end of things, socially it all consists of binge drinking and plastering the evidence on facebook for each other to spend a week 'liking'.

Its at the stage where my parents are the most normal, interesting interaction I can find, that isnt laced with agendas.

Forever Hopeful

Op,

As a 40 something interested in passing on wisdom here goes... The people I know who have managed to maintain a social life in the midst of all that madness is to see past the madness.
There have been people in my life who have bugged the ever loving $hite out of me and I have v little patience but dear God, you seem to dislike everyone (bar your parents). If you have no options to change your living/working situation (which I did) then you just got to suck it up and try and find something positive in someone - there has to be at least one person?

3DataModem

kob29 wrote: »

Im in my mid 30s and consistently now find friendships rubbish, to be frank.
It seems to be near impossible to generate decent new ones with people married/marrying (&rejecting the outside world), talking of nothing except kids and pregnancy.
Existing friendships, if you could call them that are one sided, I make an effort, they dont unless it suits them. Then throw in a helping of stupid competitiveness and one-up-woman-ship and Im well and truly sick of it.

Being single that doesnt leave many options for socialising either so the vicious circle continues. Ive tried online dating...long after my patience for all the crap that goes with it ran out. The nearest meetup.com group runs nothing near activities of interest. People in the gym wear headphones/ people in the tennis club are married.

I genuinely spend more time talking to my two cats than humans now.

While I can sympathise with your annoyance, the post reads a little like one written by a grumpy spinster cat-lady.

It's tough to accept, but people with kids tend to hang out with people with kids for this reason. It's pretty damn all consuming, in a positive way:

Find hobbies that attract outgoing, quirky, non judgemental people. Not painting, sport, yoga... perhaps a local musical society or something? Then get some acquaintances and a social circle, and see if that develops into a friendship past the group.

kob29

I dont dislike everyone, honestly Im just fed up of the lack of normality and sanity in trying to maintain and develop friendships. I dont understand or I hate being an unwilling participant in some competition with so called friends that I didnt sign up for. I just want to hang out, do stuff, chat.....not have them try to knock or better me on every topic of conversation.

And with the parental variety, I dont obviously have a problem with people having kids, but of them losing all interest in the life of those who dont.

Its exhausting and I dont see why its necessary.

AJG

I can relate somewhat. Seems like in the last year or so my social circle has dwindled in a similar fashion. I'm in my mid-thirties too and single at the moment.

It seems to be one of three things for me: People have settled with kids and have obviously have different priorities and are never about, they've emigrated or they've become too much of a drag to remain in close contact with (i.e. unstable people who do nothing with themselves other than drink, drug and are if there were any jobs they'd be unemployable anyway and I've little desire to hook up with them just to listen to them moan at me).

So since I've fallen into a bit of similar rut I've decided that in the next couple of months to move out of my area to a completely new one on the other side of the city. I've managed to secure some part time work that will basically cover my rent in a houseshare and the fun part will be trying to make some more on the side to eat with:) I have a couple of ideas so here's hoping...

I guess I've realised I've gotten a little too comfortable but am feeling a little isolated and could do with a kick up the arse. So I'm going to try and give myself one. I don't know if this is any help OP but I can relate to your situation. I'm sure there must be some way you could do something to alter your situation somewhat? Even if it's just a small change?

lisa_eire

Alot of my friends have settled too and dont go out as much anymore. So i joined the local hockey club, having never played before. Its very social and i'v become good friends with some of the girls who started at the same time as me. we were out for dinner and danceing last night :pac:
we're always looking for new members.