Lost, need to find myself

Teklor

I'm not even sure where to begin....So I am now seperated from my GF of 8 years. We have 3 kids 5, 3, and 2. I initiated the seperation because i've reached a point in my life where i can't figure out what i want....where i'm going....I don't even really know myself anymore.

Our relationship has been rocky to say the least for atleast the last 5 years and I had enough of the fighting and arguing....the insecurities....the neediness all of it. So back at the end of may i moved out to stay with a friend....

The one thing that i do know is that my 3 kids mean the world to me and really i had them in mind when we seperated as well....they don't need to be in such a hostile environment...i grew up like that and i want better for them.

I'm trying to figure out if there is even a small chance that the two of us could work things out.....but i can't even figure out if i still have any feelings for her....

We get along ok since i left...i'm around the kids everyday(i'm out on stress leave from work because of the whole situation) But mentally i'm a wreck...i can't come to a solid conclusion on anything. I've started seeing a psychologist to try and get my head sorted out but so far thats not helping much. On top of that i'm not eating properly(dropped 25lbs since June 6th) I've developed insomnia which i'm taking medication for....I'm wracked with anxiety and panic most of the time...which i'm taking medication for as well.

The ex is trying to give me my space to sort stuff out but shes constantly calling me in tears....trying to keep track of where i am...who i'm with...what i'm doing and it's starting to push me away.

But at the same time I know this is really hard on her because she says she's still in love with me....can't picture her life without me and it makes me feel this horrible guilt....like i'm the bad guy in this whole thing. So i try to comfort her and make her feel better....she is looking after the kids and i know she needs to keep her head together as well.

We're trying to spend time as friends to see if there is any kind of a spark left...coffee...watching tv etc. But she's constantly getting close, hugging putting her head on me and really just making my head worse....I would love to be able to explain all this to her but she just goes into panic mode and starts crying and the whole thing goes out of control really fast.

I really don't know what to do anymore...I'm having such a hard time getting over our past...we had a lot of huge bumps in the past that neither of us really had time to recover from....and with the kids....trying to look after her feelings and everything in between....i'm kind of left by the wayside trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life in whatever spare time i have left.

I'm not even sure if this is something that an outsider could give advice on...i guess i just wanted more then anything to get some of this stuff off my chest and stop bottling it up all the time.....

Thanks for listening

Sleepy

Keep getting it out on here if it helps.

It sounds like a week or two away by yourself might do you no harm. Ask your GF not to contact you during that time and, assuming it's true, assure her that you're not off with someone else but just trying to get your head together. Turn off your phone and have a long hard think for yourself.

I'd suggest avoiding alcohol or any other drugs during this time too.

I've not been through what you're going through but I know a close family member who did something like this while trying to figure out what it was he wanted from life and it helped him make his decisions.

CarMe

Well this is my take on it from the details you provide, apologises if it offends.

It's all about you!! You've left her with three kids while you look after yourself, have a break from her and your job yet it bothers you when she rings you crying? I think that comes across as very selfish. She wants a bit of physical comfort from her partner of 8 years who has left her to hold the fort while he sorts himself out, and it bothers you?
Why wouldn't she want to know what your up to and who your with, what's the big deal she has given you 8 years of her life and given you three kids that she is now left with.

That's just my take on it from the information you've given.

ibarelycare

CarMe wrote: »

Well this is my take on it from the details you provide, apologises if it offends.

It's all about you!! You've left her with three kids while you look after yourself, have a break from her and your job yet it bothers you when she rings you crying? I think that comes across as very selfish. She wants a bit of physical comfort from her partner of 8 years who has left her to hold the fort while he sorts himself out, and it bothers you?
Why wouldn't she want to know what your up to and who your with, what's the big deal she has given you 8 years of her life and given you three kids that she is now left with.

That's just my take on it from the information you've given.

That's really unfair. A breakup isn't just traumatic for the person who is dumped. He said he's around the kids every day, he's not "leaving her to hold the fort".


OP I'm sorry, there's not a whole lot of advice I can offer. If there were no kids involved I'd suggest trying no contact for a while but that's obviously not possible. If you would like to attempt to salvage things, I think speaking to a relationship counselor would be the best thing.

December2012

Go and talk to a relationship counsellor, separately and together.

CarMe

Around the kids every day sounds to me like a visit, in which case its his partner doing the dinners, the wiping bums, baths, bedtime, maintaining the house, making the beds etc. Which would very much mean she is left holding the fort.
I could very well be wrong I'm just saying how it comes across to me.

ShaShaBear

CarMe wrote: »

Around the kids every day sounds to me like a visit, in which case its his partner doing the dinners, the wiping bums, baths, bedtime, maintaining the house, making the beds etc. Which would very much mean she is left holding the fort.
I could very well be wrong I'm just saying how it comes across to me.

Perhaps, but that doesn't give her the right to demand to know all of his comings and goings. If he wasn't happy then he had every right to leave - and her physically imposing herself on him when they spend time together as friends is just mean. If you love them, set them free and all of that.

Just because she bore three children to you OP, doesn't mean she has a claim over the rest of your life. You can try to keep things civil between yourselves for the kids sake, but she has no right to try and rekindle something physical every time you are together. Tell your partner you are going away for a think for a few days, and turn off your phone.

CarMe

OP has said that he would love to be able to explain how he feels to her (about the physical bit) so it would seem to me like this poor woman is left totally confused, are they trying to work things out or not, does OP consider himself to be single or does he not.
I think she deserves way more than just, MY heads all over the place, I need MY space, I need a break, I don't know if I still love her. There seems to be no consideration for her or her feelings at all.

If this was a woman who had left her husband and three kids to go and find herself, the replies here would be very different.

Teklor

Well tbh i havent just "left it all to her". I am around everyday...meaning more then just visiting. I cook, clean the house, take the kids out. I'm almost always here to help with bedtime and i do try to spend a bit of time with her occasionally. I'm actually going to start renting my own place at the first of Aug. Taking some sppace from her has been a bit of help so far...no more tense days and nights with us fighting. It seems to be better for the kids atm too....they are better behaved not being around all the fighting.

We are actually considering couples counseling once we adjust to the new living arrangement....since my first post she has actually backed off considerably and is trying to give me the space i need. I still feel pretty lost mainly because of my concerns for the kids....but i know trying to keep a relationship together for the kids wont work.

I'm really hoping that the time apart will be theraputic for us both...though im really not sure yet what i want the end result to be.