Is it a bit extreme?

LegacyUser

Hi ladies, my first post here but I have been reading the forum for years. I would love to hear what you think once it comes to dating someone who is too close to his family that he can't have his own life.

I was on the 4th date with someone yesterday. He came over to my place for a coffee for the first time.

He said he likes where I live but he would NEVER want to live anywhere more than 15 mins from his parents/ brothers/ sisters's houses. They all live very close. He has a job which is 10 mins walk from his parents's house so he can walk home for lunch. He is not happy with the job but unwilling to get a much better job that he might have to travel for 30 mins( no ambition?).He told me, he usually dates girls from his area but because he really likes me so he is willing to travel to see me( I only live 30 mins from him). I feel a bit weird after hearing that and that totally puts me off him. I instantly find him unattractive and not open minded, no matter how hot, kind and well educated he is. I decided not to date him anymore.

I'm a well traveled myself. Pretty open minded. I never come across anyone like that so I am still a bit shocked :-). I know family is important but its a bit extreme to me that someone needs to live very close to your family to be happy. Am I wrong to think its weird or would you date someone like that?

Well, he is 34.

Wibbs

Moved from the Ladies Lounge, as it's not a thread for there.

judgefudge

I wouldn't personally want to date somebody like that. But at the same time it's his choice, at least he was up front about it. I do think it's a little extreme but each to their own. Onwards and upwards!

dee_mc

The end wrote: »

Hi ladies, my first post here but I have been reading the forum for years. I would love to hear what you think once it comes to dating someone who is too close to his family that he can't have his own life.

I was on the 4th date with someone yesterday. He came over to my place for a coffee for the first time.

He said he likes where I live but he would NEVER want to live anywhere more than 15 mins from his parents/ brothers/ sisters's houses. They all live very close. He has a job which is 10 mins walk from his parents's house so he can walk home for lunch. He is not happy with the job but unwilling to get a much better job that he might have to travel for 30 mins( no ambition?).He told me, he usually dates girls from his area but because he really likes me so he is willing to travel to see me( I only live 30 mins from him). I feel a bit weird after hearing that and that totally puts me off him. I instantly find him unattractive and not open minded, no matter how hot, kind and well educated he is. I decided not to date him anymore.

I'm a well traveled myself. Pretty open minded. I never come across anyone like that so I am still a bit shocked :-). I know family is important but its a bit extreme to me that someone needs to live very close to your family to be happy. Am I wrong to think its weird or would you date someone like that?

Well, he is 34.

I wouldn't be happy to date anyone with very different values than my own, there's nothing really wrong with being super close to family but obviously it's not something that sits right with you so you did the right thing breaking it off... Wow 34 and still goes home to his mammy for lunch, finding it hard not to be judgemental to be honest!

Merkin

I'm very close to my family but moved out of home young, live in a different country to them and am extremely independent. What you describe would make me really, really uncomfortable. If he can't cut the apron strings then if the relationship progressed you would also find yourself being smothered by the outlaws too and having to live within a short distance from them also. How weird.

I would also dump him although I would actually tell him the truth - if part of my character was so fundamentally off-putting I would want to know.

ManOfMystery

At 34, yes I do find it a bit extreme. It's perfectly possible to have a close relationship with your family without having to see them every day at lunch, without having to work within 10 mins reach of them, and so on.

I'd imagine that it's more to do with a comfortable setup for him (lunch at parents, maybe dinner too) than actually needing to see them that often. Being unwilling to take on a better job because it would mean an extra 20 mins travel reeks of laziness and becoming too comfortable in his current position, and people like that usually get even more stuck in their ways as time goes on.

I have a very close relationship with all my family yet I live 90 mins away from them and only see them every 2-3 weeks. Nevertheless we all phone and text each other a lot and if anyone is in the area, they'll always call and see the other.

ABajaninCork

Run. And keep running. His life is nice and comfy and Mummy & Daddy are still running after him. He's already told you he wouldn't be willing to move further away than 15 minutes from his parents! :eek: Why the hell should he change his set-up?

At 34, I don't see much chance of that changing, I'm afraid. I'm not saying it's impossible. Just not likely.

Katgurl

ugh. While I don't think his behaviour is WRONG (each to their own and all that) I would personally find it deeply unattractive. Would you be going otu with him or his whole family?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I'm very close to my family but moved out of home young, live in a different country to them and am extremely independent. What you describe would make me really, really uncomfortable. If he can't cut the apron strings then if the relationship progressed you would also find yourself being smothered by the outlaws too and having to live within a short distance from them also. How weird.

I would also dump him although I would actually tell him the truth - if part of my character was so fundamentally off-putting I would want to know.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I sent him a text this morning to cancel this weekend date. He called at lunch and wanted to know why. Part of me wants to tell him but I am not 100% sure if I should tell him because its his life. I'm out and that's it.

I agree its nothing wrong with the way he wants to live his life but somehow I find its a weird thing that he can't stand on his own feet and he said he was pissed off with his brother because the bother and his girlfriend bought a house together without asking his family for advice...I thought I was being fussy and had low tolerance but I'm glad to see others opinions.

I am also very close to my family. I skype them a few times a week and see them once a year because its expensive and it normally takes me 18 to 20 hours flight so he is totally the opposite of me.

I agree with other posters that he won't change and I would rather end this early than later. Although my friend thinks he might change if he really wants to be with me. I just don't want to hold my breath.

Stavro Mueller

It'd have me wondering was there something a bit lacking in him to be honest. There's nothing wrong with being close to your family or wanting to settle down near where you grew up but this guy's world sounds very small-minded and parochial.

You did the right thing by calling a halt to this. Even if it hadn't weirded you out you'd have been facing into problems down the line.

Dellnum

I think it is great to be family orientated. If this is the only reason you are breaking up with him then I think you are pretty fickle to be honest. Sorry.

LegacyUser

I would not be happy to get involved with someone like this.
At 34 why does he need to live and work so close to his mammy along with going home for his lunch each day? I am sure that mammy still buys clothes ect and he tells her what he does each min of the day.
I would also advise you that one of the sisters will take the place of mammy in the future.

In your position I would tell him look ( his name ) you seem like a nice guy but I don't think we would have a future if we were to stay a couple.
I know that you like me so put up with traveling for 30 mins to see me.
You have also told me you will only live within 15 mins of where your parents live. You won't change jobs because you won't have your lunch at home each day if you do this.
I am sorry but at 34 and (your own age) if things were to work out for us long term I could not say that we would end up living within 15 mins of your parents/family.
At 34 he needs to look beyond his immediate family if he want to move his own life on.

One thing I would say to you is that I know people who are like this and over time they will only live in one place, go to certain places, won't travel at all and will only do what suits them or what there families want.

Stavro Mueller

Although my friend thinks he might change if he really wants to be with me. I just don't want to hold my breath.

It's a thought but it's a very big ask in my opinion. There's a lot of hard wiring that'd have to be changed.

My current thinking is that you should tell him why you're not going to see him for his own good. Maybe it's his living in his family's pockets that has put off his previous girlfriends as well. He might be pissed at you for saying it but it is up to him to accept or reject your words. It might do him good in the long term. Just because we hear things about ourselves that we don't like doesn't mean we shouldn't hear them.

username123

I would find that kind of attitude very off putting as well. I don't mind people having good family relationships but that's extreme. Why does he still go home to mammy for lunch at 34?

The real red flag is not liking the job but staying because its near mammy. That and being annoyed over the brother making an independent decision with his girlfriend. Who wants to live a life dictated by someone else's mammy or family? Because that's what it would be. Very unattractive prospect.

Highly unlikely you'd be able to change someone his age who still behaves like that. It's a very narrow minded, set in your ways type viewpoint. I'd have told him too, not being nasty but just clear why you don't dig it.

CaraMay

Yeah I agree you should explain why, for his own sake.

Meauldsegosha

For me the family thing wouldn't be the biggest issue. Not dating someone outside your locality and staying in a job you don't like because you don't want to travel too far would be bigger issues. Both show someone who is very small minded and at the age of 34 probably unlikely to change.

I agree with some of the other posters that you should tell about your reservations.

Emme

OP, you should meet the guy and tell him why you don't want to continue dating him. He seems very set in his ways but this might be a wake up call for him and may help him think about changing his ways and being a bit more adventurous.

It sounds like he is from a very solid close-knit working class family. This can be a good thing as you will never be without someone to help out with children and other things but some people might find it stifling.

His job is 10 minutes walk away but if he got a better paid job 40 minutes away he would have to spend money on getting there which might cancel out any possible gain in salary. His priority seems to be family and he isn't hung up on money or status. What's so bad about that?

Meller

Emme wrote: »

OP, you should meet the guy and tell him why you don't want to continue dating him. He seems very set in his ways but this might be a wake up call for him and may help him think about changing his ways and being a bit more adventurous.

It sounds like he is from a very solid close-knit working class family. This can be a good thing as you will never be without someone to help out with children and other things but some people might find it stifling.

His job is 10 minutes walk away but if he got a better paid job 40 minutes away he would have to spend money on getting there which might cancel out any possible gain in salary. His priority seems to be family and he isn't hung up on money or status. What's so bad about that?

Well it shows a complete lack of drive and ambition, as well as an inability to be independent.

It's absolutely ridiculous, imo, that he said he travels 30 minutes only because he really likes you. :rolleyes: It just seems like such a childish, narrow-minded attitude. Not even living 30 minutes away, but visiting you there?! Does he not go on holidays or travel, or visit interesting places far away?! Sounds far too 'stuck in his ways' to me, I'd find it very frustrating to deal with.

However, I think you should tell him this and also make sure it's not just something he said flippantly or lightly. We can all be sponges sometimes and occasionally say stupid things without really thinking or meaning it. So maybe you should have addressed it with him and asked if he really meant that. If yes, then you can explain that you find that very off-putting... I think it's fair to give him a reason.

username123

Emme wrote: »

It sounds like he is from a very solid close-knit working class family.

Sorry, where did the OP say he was from a working class family?

desbrook

username123 wrote: »

Sorry, where did the OP say he was from a working class family?

In fairness "working class" families have a higher tendency to want to live very closely to one and other / holiday together/ socialise together than other groups . I immediately thought of this when I read the initial post .

What we all think of his lifestyle and the OP's attitude to it doesn't really matter . It's a red flag for her and that's that . The only issue is whether she should tell him . In my view yes , politely of course and not in a judgmental way . Someone else may find the set up appealing . To most though its unnusual , that does not mean it isn't normal .

December2012

It wouldn't bother me, but it bothers you so you're probably not thinking about families the same way. If neither of you can or want to change then it may be best to end it.

ncmc

I have to admit, this is the first thing that came to my mind when I read this thread

http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/leagueofgentlemen/

I am very close to my family and see them every 4-6 weeks despite living 300km from them, but there is a difference between being close to your family and being completely closed minded and parochial. I think everyone needs to be independent from their family, that doesn’t mean you can’t be close to them. You are right to dump him over this IMO, you have to think of the future you might have together, what if you had to move for work or move abroad to get a job. I know it’s a long way away, but if you got married, would you be willing to live in his families pockets and have them dictate every decision you make? I can only imagine how involved they would be if you had kids!

Walk, don’t run away from this man. Life is too short to be stuck with someone so closed minded.

Emme

username123 wrote: »

Sorry, where did the OP say he was from a working class family?

She didn't say anything. However I thought the same as Desbrook. Working class families can be close knit and supportive of each other. This is a positive thing and it doesn't mean they lack ambition, they just have different priorities.

If the OP isn't happy with this man's values and ambitions that's fine, but he sounds like a decent person and he deserves to be told the reason she doesn't want to see him again.

ivytwine

Regardless of class, it seems that this man and his family exemplify the kind of really old-fashioned rural values that see a trip to Dublin as a huge (or)deal and people who travel have notions and a blow-in is someone whose granddad came from 10 miles away. It's not a thing I'm a fan of, but some people seem perfectly happy living like that and fair enough.

But if it's a red flag for you OP, it's a red flag. You are perfectly entitled not to want to date this man for whatever reason. You don't have to justify it, and it's up to you to tell him whatever you like.

For me, the fact that he gets his lunch from Mammy everyday at the age of 34 is an even bigger red flag. This man has it far too sweet to ever want to change. And I fear that if the relationship progressed further, he would merely be swapping one mother for another.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, my husband's family would be very like that. They all live very close to each other and rarely move outside their locality. For them a trip to 'town' is a big thing, worthy of Facebook status updates (and they're from Dublin !)

My husband moved to 20 mins away on the M50, and you'd swear we had gone to Australia!

We are now 2 hours away and 4 of his 5 siblings have been to our house once, for a family do! His sisters have never been outside Ireland, and have no desire to be. Up until we got married 10 years ago, and they travelled to our wedding in the South East the furthest from Dublin they had been was Courtown!

They have all married people from their area.

My husband laughs and likens himself to Allister McGowan's 'Beppe' character in his Eastenders' sketches.

Anyway, after that long ramble, I suppose I'm trying to tell you that he isn't really all that unusuall! And I'm guessing he's telling you all this because you're a 'foreigner', and incase the relationship progresses he is making sure you don't get any ideas about moving him away!

I would hate to live on top of family (my own, or my husband's!) Each to their own I suppose. He's not wrong to live like that, you're not wrong to be completely turned off by the idea.

I don't know if it's worth telling him or not.. It's not going to change him. He'll just think YOU'RE the daft one!

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me, but it bothers you so you're probably not thinking about families the same way. If neither of you can or want to change then it may be best to end it.

Yes, lack of drive, ambition definitely bothers me. I'm willing to have someone like that as a friend but not a partner. I like someone who is passionate about life, adventurous, independent and open minded. He might be good for others but he is not right for me. I'm on here because I think its very strange way of thinking so just wanted to know what others think of it.

I agree, It's a big difference between being close to your family and being closed minded.

I value my family, I love them but I don't need to live very close to them to be happy. Of course I would love to live close enough to my family, but if I had an oppotunity to travel the world, to do the job I like, to be with someone I love, I wouldn't let it slip. It doesn't mean I love my family less. My parents are happy when I'm happy.

He was serious and he meant what he said. That night he had to leave at certain time to be at his parents's house to walk the dogs. All mighty!

3DataModem

judgefudge wrote: »

I wouldn't personally want to date somebody like that. But at the same time it's his choice, at least he was up front about it. I do think it's a little extreme but each to their own. Onwards and upwards!

Was going to post, but this nailed it.

Lorna123

You have to accept people for who they are in this life. There should never be a question of setting out to change them. I see nothing wrong with this guy wanting to be close to his family and familiar territory, in fact I think it is great. He is happy enough to stay in the job he is in and it suits him, so why would he move somewhere further away from home? Going home for lunch is a plus for him and would be for an awful lot of people. I see nothing wrong with that either, in fact I think it is far better than hanging around an office eating sandwiches or walking around trying to kill time until you go back to work again.

I really think you are way too critical of this guy OP but that is how you feel and because of this I would run a mile and let this guy find someone who appreciates him for who he is. If he gets on your nerves that much then you don't even need to ask us here what to do, but don't think you can change him and don't even try to. Nothing wrong with either of you, I just don't think you are well matched.