Giving my lazy OH a boot up the proverbial arse.

LegacyUser

Hi boardsies, am going unreg for this one and need some advice.

I have been living with my OH for 10 years and love him very deeply. I care about his feelings and encourage him in every venture he has ever done. But, I think this has been to my detriment. He was in construction, never did leaving but after 2 years of living with him, he began a night course. He did so well that he got into a full time degree. Two years into the degree the celtic tiger bubble burst and he let his employees go. Unfortunately he had racked up a bit of debt because he didnt watch his bottom line and now owes revenue 60k. He was left a sizable amount of money in inheritance and has been living off this since he finished college 3 years ago. He has not been proactive in getting work. He does nixers and builds websites but he does not contribute to the household at all.

We have a 1 year old child and I had to return to work to pay rent after 6 months maternity leave. My partner began a computer course last september so with the little disposable income i had left, i put that into child minding my son so my partner could attend his lectures. He subsequently dropped out as is happy to just do nixers and build websites for 100-300 euro extra per month. He is also claiming unemployment benefit as he is pretending that he lives in his family home down the country with his elderly mother. So, he has no real incentive to work.

He doesnt even keep house - the place is a tip and my son would not be getting solid meals if I did not make them. My OH spends all day on facebook and chatting online with the guys from his hobby, making out that he is the big lad. I am resentful that he thinks he can do what he likes and not contribute 50/50. I am not looking to be a stay at home mom, I would love to stay at home with my son and go to play groups every day but somehow, I dont think I will be lucky enough to ever do that.

I made it very clear when i was returning back to work that this was not some arrangement where I would work and he would get to be a Stay at home dad. I emphazised that it was unfair that I had to go back to work after 6 months when other mom friends of mine got the full 11 months off and were able to take parental leave so reducing their working week down to 4 days to be able to spend more time with their children. Both my sister and my friend are doing this.

I had two bills come in this week one for esb 300 euro and one for gas 200 euro. He agreed last month that he would take one but now says he cant afford it.

I am so angry at him for not wanting to work. He keeps saying that there are no jobs out there. I don't believe him and know that he has only applied for 3 jobs since I went back to work in december. I told him in december that the lease on the house I am renting is for 12 months and come september, if he is not paying 50% of the rent, I will be moving out and he will not be coming with myself and my son.

I really thought this would spur him into action but, like I said, he is not applying for jobs and is content to live the lifestyle he is living. So, as the day draws close, I am looking for some advice. How can I spur him out of this inaction. I just want him to contribute to our home 50/50.

I am also worried what people will think if I do follow through on my threat. My family will be delighted because they think he is a lazy layabout waster and I can only imagine that his family with think i am a b-itch. Honestly, I don't want to split up from him, I think he is great if not lazier than a sloth on benzos. We get on so well, we have the same interests and we love our lives since our son has come into our family but... he is selfish and lazy. He lets me pay for everything, and i do mean everything, and he wont keep house as I did when I was on maternity leave.

If I send him packing to his mother with instructions that he is not welcome back until he gets his act together, is there even half a chance that he will learn his lesson? Will he stop drawing benefits; get a job; and contribute to the family home. Or, and this is what I think will happen, discover that life is so much easier when he doesn't have to look after our baby from 9-5 each day while mommy is at work and instead gets to devote 100% of his time to his leisurely pursuits.

He is driving me crazy and I am at a loss as to what to do now. Help.

jdsk2006

Cancel the internet connection for a start. Cable tv too. Consult with citizens advice and mabs for yourself and then tell him your done. Be fully prepared to carry through it tho or your upsetting yourself for nothing. And I can assure you, packing him off to his mother is probably your best bet.....see how long she puts up with his crap

Big hugs to you xx

Merkin

For a man who evades tax and is also a dole cheat, it seems this man's inherent lack of responsibility, his selfishness and immaturity features in every single aspect of his life, including his relationship with you and with his little baby. I'd be giving him a very serious wake up call if I were you. Stop carrying the can and supporting him. Who's laptop does he use? If it's yours then keep it in work. Stop filling the fridge. Stop doing his laundry. Stop mothering him. You need to sit down and tell him it's time to shape up or ship out. You need to be able to follow through on your threats though. It's all very well getting on well and having the same interests but a healthy partnership requires a lot of give and take. He's just a taker.

CaraMay

He is a lazy article and not exactly a good example to his child. Cancel cable etc and stop covering for him. I personally would kick him out. A sponge is a sponge is a sponge

Carriexx

If he gets unemployment and money for building websites, why isnt he contributing?

He is never going to change if you leave him continuing to do this!

Starokan

Of course he should contribute and yes if he is at home all day the house should be kept well etc, You need to have it out with him and come to a compromise where you are both happy with what the other is doing.

It sounds like he is stuck in a rut, the one thing I would say in his defence is that there are very few jobs out there particularly in construction. Sending him packing to his mothers will not really make any difference to getting a job.

You need to come to terms with the fact that it may be a long time before he finds something and that as a consequence you may find yourself as the main breadwinner for some time. If that's not something you can envisage then you may need to consider moving on from this relationship.

Perhaps if you really have a heart to heart he will listen and start to seek work more actively. I think you need to ask yourself though if he does more actively seek work would you be happy to see that, would it be enough to see him trying even if he cant get anything because that very well may be the case for some time yet

Toast4532

If I was in your situation I'd do the following:

• cut off the internet
• Cut off the TV (or if the TV and internet is a bundle package, then cancel it)
• Don't buy food for him, if its at all possible, only buy a little bit (enough for yourself) each evening on your way home from work

And come September, I would be moving out, and not bringing him with you. I'd report him to the Social Welfare also, and make any arrangement for access, maintenance etc legally, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

He sounds lazy, selfish and seem's like he couldn't give a damn about anyone bar himself. Sounds to me like you are better off without him in your life as he doesn't seem to contribute anything positive to either you, your son, your home or your relationship.

If you do move out in September and he doesn't come with you, and he doesn't maintain a relationship with his son, then its his own fault and in that case I would be of the opinion that your son is better off without this lazy layabout in his life. He isn't a positive influence now, and I doubt he ever will be, unless he dramatically changes his ways. And if he won't do it for his son, then I don't know who or what he'll do it for.

Edit:

As jobs in construction are hard to come by, would he consider doing a course (FÁS do free courses for those claiming social welfare) and updating, or changing his skills?

They do computer courses, web design, java, etc. and if courses aren't an option for him, what about jobs in areas other than construction? I myself am job hunting and have found plenty of jobs out there.

Witchie

I can emphasise with your situation as I had a similar time with my ex husband. Its unlikely he will change.

Is there a possibility that he is depressed? I know sometimes when you have been out of work for a while it can really do damage to your mental health. Maybe he could do with seeing a doctor.

In general though I do agree with the other posters and think that you should carry through on your threat. He needs to pull his weight. If you leave him pursue him for maintenance and tell him you will make sure that the courts are aware that he does nixers and he will have to pay towards your baby.

I would talk to him and explain that you love him and that you believe in him. He was once able to run a company so he is not totally lazy but maybe he feels like a failure since that went down the tubes and he has slid into a pit of morose feelings and feels worthless.

I had to walk away in my situation because despite getting him help with his depression, he was still a waste of space and was aggressive which is another ball game altogether. Trust me on this - put you and your baby first. He will find his own way in life.

Good luck. Rooting for ya, you seem like a very together, hardworking and caring person.

Taltos

BegrudgingHavingToReturnToWork wrote: »

I told him in december that the lease on the house I am renting is for 12 months and come september, if he is not paying 50% of the rent, I will be moving out and he will not be coming with myself and my son.

I really thought this would spur him into action but, like I said, he is not applying for jobs and is content to live the lifestyle he is living. So, as the day draws close, I am looking for some advice. How can I spur him out of this inaction. I just want him to contribute to our home 50/50.

Sorry OP - but why wait?
Seriously he has paid no attention since December so just pack his bags tomorrow and tell him you have a taxi ordered to his mums, as he isn't welcome with you anymore.

BegrudgingHavingToReturnToWork wrote: »

I am also worried what people will think if I do follow through on my threat. My family will be delighted because they think he is a lazy layabout waster and I can only imagine that his family with think i am a b-itch.

Again - you shouldn't care.
You have done nothing wrong except enable him and the best way for him to change is to be forced to confront he is no longer a child.

What you might do - considering how well you get on with his mother is clue her into this and the reasons why. Pour out your guts and just let her see you can't continue to "exist" like this - it isn't the life you wanted or the life you want for your family...

meeeeh

You are not the first person who is more employable than their partner so you returning to work is natural progression. I don't believe that women have a god given right to be stay at home mum. However you are doing your bit and he is not pulling his weight. If he doesn't want to work then he should take care of your child and be proper stay at home dad, cleaning, cooking, whatever is needed. ATM you are doing everything.

I have a friend who really loved a girl he lived with. He was 'finishing' his studies for couple of years and couldn't really work because he was 'studying'. Before he was getting money off his parents, after they kicked him out his girlfriend was taking care of him. Eventually she had enough and kicked him out. Suddenly he was able to get very good job and take care of himself. He lost a girl he really loved but at the same time it was also the only thing that made him grow up (and his parents and friends all tried before). Maybe your partners confidence was seriously cracked but you are not doing him any favours letting him mope around. Even if you decide to kick him out it might be the best thing you ever did for him. But whatever you do don't let it go on like this because it will just make you both miserable.

cypressg

BegrudgingHavingToReturnToWork wrote: »

I am so angry at him for not wanting to work. He keeps saying that there are no jobs out there. I don't believe him and know that he has only applied for 3 jobs since I went back to work in december.

You probably should believe him,the true rate of unemployment is about 23% and an ex construction worker has virtually no chance of finding a job.
I can understand how you want to be the one sitting at home but there's not a lot he can do tbh.He could retrain if it keeps you happy but he will still have no job at the end of it.You should accept that there is and probably never will be any work for him and try and work off that premise.

aidan24326

cypressg wrote: »

You probably should believe him,the true rate of unemployment is about 23% and an ex construction worker has virtually no chance of finding a job.
I can understand how you want to be the one sitting at home but there's not a lot he can do tbh.He could retrain if it keeps you happy but he will still have no job at the end of it.You should accept that there is and probably never will be any work for him and try and work off that premise.

You're right in saying that the true rate of unemployment is higher than we're lead to believe, and yes jobs are pretty scarce. There's no denying that.

However the rest of your post is nonsense. You're implying that the OP should just put up and shut up.

At the very least her bf could TRY to find a job rather than sit around dossing all day. And with dole and the odd nixer on top he should certainly be making some sort of contribution. Pay towards utility bills, stock the fridge etc. That's very doable even on his current income.

A wee bit of effort would be a start. If he has only applied for 3 jobs since December then he is not trying at all, as these days 3 applications in 7 months is unlikely to even get him a reply never mind an interview.

StillWaters

cypressg wrote: »

You probably should believe him,the true rate of unemployment is about 23% and an ex construction worker has virtually no chance of finding a job.
I can understand how you want to be the one sitting at home but there's not a lot he can do tbh.He could retrain if it keeps you happy but he will still have no job at the end of it.You should accept that there is and probably never will be any work for him and try and work off that premise.

Nonsense. The boyfriend builds websites, so has technical skills. He could retrain in IT where there are jobs. He is defrauding welfare, contributing nothing to the household, either financially or practically.

You have given your ultimatum OP. Now the hard part, to follow it through.

cypressg

aidan24326 wrote: »

At the very least her bf could TRY to find a job rather than sit around dossing all day. And with dole and the odd nixer on top he should certainly be making some sort of contribution. Pay towards utility bills, stock the fridge etc. That's very doable even on his current income.

A wee bit of effort would be a start. If he has only applied for 3 jobs since December then he is not trying at all, as these days 3 applications in 7 months is unlikely to even get him a reply never mind an interview.

He can try all she wants,he will still have no job and she will still be wrecking his head as she won't have accepted the reality that there are simply no jobs and that she has to be the breadwinner for the foreseeable future.

But yeah,he should be able to put a few quid towards the bills tho.

Meauldsegosha

cypressg wrote: »

He can try all she wants,he will still have no job and she will still be wrecking his head as she won't have accepted the reality that there are simply no jobs and that she has to be the breadwinner for the foreseeable future.

But yeah,he should be able to put a few quid towards the bills tho.

What a load of nonsense. There may be no jobs in construction but he obviously has other skills, he previously ran his own business and is currently doing nixers in the IT field. He has got into a rut now and he needs a shift sharp kick to get him out if it.

cypressg

StillWaters wrote: »

Nonsense. The boyfriend builds websites, so has technical skills. He could retrain in IT where there are jobs. He is defrauding welfare, contributing nothing to the household, either financially or practically.

You have given your ultimatum OP. Now the hard part, to follow it through.

There's nothing technical about building websites these days tbh,every tom dick and harry in 3rd year can do it and there are jobs in IT only if you have plenty of experience,being able to build websites or "retraining" in IT isn't really going to get you a position ahead of the thousands of people who are more experienced in the field and are also searching desperately.

Let it go OP,you're not going to get to stay at home in this climate and he's not being proactive in getting work because he knows there is no point.You,like everybody else in employment,are probably not as acutely aware of this fact as he is.
There are about 5-600k unemployed and another 350k have emigrated out of a potential workforce of about 3 million,"retraining" isn't an option,there aren't swathes of jobs just waiting for retrained people to step into them.
The **** has hit the fan in this country and is going to be stuck to it for years,if I was you I'd recognise this now,otherwise heads will be melted and relationships will break up.Unemployed people have enough to be worrying about without the employed patronising them with gum flappings about retraining and "not trying hard enough".

cypressg

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

What a load of nonsense. There may be no jobs in construction but he obviously has other skills, he previously ran his own business and is currently doing nixers in the IT field. He has got into a rut now and he needs a shift sharp kick to get him out if it.

I think the problem may be a little more widespread than "there are no jobs in construction" unfortunately.
Have you any idea of how many people do nixers in the IT field(building websites in his case),I don't think you do tbh.
You're right though,a short sharp kick should get him right back into the swing of things.If only all the unemployed knew this,all they need is a good kick up the arse.

Merkin

cypressg wrote: »

I think the problem may be a little more widespread than "there are no jobs in construction" unfortunately.
Have you any idea of how many people do nixers in the IT field(building websites in his case),I don't think you do tbh.
You're right though,a short sharp kick should get him right back into the swing of things.If only all the unemployed knew this,all they need is a good kick up the arse.

I think you're missing the point entirely. This man is obviously lazy to the bone. His partner is now going out to work (and that's fine, most people do) and yet he sits on his arse all day and doesn't have the decency, courtesy or manners to actually clean the house and share the burden. He sounds like the type of person that a job could be waved in front of his nose and yet he wouldn't have the sense of maturity to grab it with both hands.

OP you're living with a man-boy. He simply hasn't grown up and is unable to cope with the responsibility of being an adult. Take the good advice given in this thread and confront the issue. If you don't it will only get worse.

cypressg

Merkin wrote: »

I think you're missing the point entirely. This man is obviously lazy to the bone.

No it's you who is missing the point.He ran his own business in construction and employed people so your assertion that he's lazy to the bone is laughable.
People is construction worked mon -sat and would usually start and hour earlier than you and also finish later so stop with this lazy bs,when he had a job he probably worked far more hours than the average office punter.
You are confusing lazy with no job to go to presently.
This is the same attitude you see so commonly towards the unemployed,when silly people call them lazy so and so's,totally bypassing the fact that there are no jobs .

LegacyUser

Starokan wrote: »

Of course he should contribute and yes if he is at home all day the house should be kept well etc, You need to have it out with him and come to a compromise where you are both happy with what the other is doing.

It sounds like he is stuck in a rut, the one thing I would say in his defence is that there are very few jobs out there particularly in construction. Sending him packing to his mothers will not really make any difference to getting a job.

Hi OP here, Starokan, that is very considerate of you and he probably is stuck in a rut and you are right there are very few jobs in construction. But, he has a degree from one of Irelands top universities in Business and he could easily get a data entry job of some sort having gone back to college after meeting me.

I have even gone so far as to apply for jobs for him online. But his problem is he thinks it is possible to walk into a dream job so only applies for jobs himself that he would "love" to do. It frustrates me no end. I am not in a job i love, I am in a job I can do because rent needs to be paid.

He has been told to send a short email into a guy who could get him a job, arranged by a family member. But do you think he could even do that? No! He wrote a short paragraph about where his strengths are and emailed it to me to proof read and re write. He didnt even spell check the document - spelling and capitalization errors in abundance! He obviously doesn't care about getting the job is that is the amount of enthusiasm he can muster.

I came home from work last night and he was on daft looking for places to house share!!! I was so frustrated, if he can afford to house share, he can afford to help pay rent. I think this was a ploy on his part to make me panic - "Oh no! He is actually going to move out", "Oh no, what if he meets someone else and I am left all alone with the baby" - they are childish games.

I do not understand why he does not feel the same obligation as i do to support the family. Can anyone explain what his thinking is? I am so frustrated with him that I want to cry.

Merkin

cypressg wrote: »

People is construction worked mon -sat and would usually start and hour earlier than you

You don't know anything about me. And evidently haven't read the OP properly. You're also being intentionally inflammatory so I shan't engage with you on this thread any further.

OP, listen to what most people have to say on this thread rather than those with their own agenda.

cypressg

Merkin wrote: »

You don't know anything about me. And evidently haven't read the OP properly. You're also being intentionally inflammatory so I shan't engage with you on this thread any further.

OP, listen to what most people have to say on this thread rather than those with their own agenda.

lol,well excuse me for disagreeing with you because of my agenda:D
OP I have to ask,did you think he was lazy before the crash?When he was working 6 days a week outdoors bringing home tonnes of cash?

LegacyUser

cypressg wrote: »

Let it go OP,you're not going to get to stay at home in this climate and he's not being proactive in getting work because he knows there is no point. .

I disagree with you. I was on a contract job which coincidentally ended when my baby was born. I started applying for jobs in December when I panicked and realised that I would have to get a job or I was going to be out on the street because my OH was doing nothing about it.

I applied for two jobs that week and got interviews for both. I was offered a job out of the first interview by the end of the week and got the second interview 3 months into my new job. So, yes, jobs do exist.

All the snippy little comments he made when I was on maternity leave about me wasting my day doing nothing when I could be helping him build websites - I have a degree in IT - drives me nuts. My "day wasting" involved taking care of the baby and keeping house.

cypressg

cypressg wrote: »

You probably should believe him,the true rate of unemployment is about 23% and an ex construction worker has virtually no chance of finding a job.
I can understand how you want to be the one sitting at home but there's not a lot he can do tbh.

But that's the thing, he really is just sitting at home. Not cleaning up or keeping the house in a good condition for when the OP comes home. And while there may be no jobs in construction, there are vacancies in other areas, which he might never get but needs to attempt to apply for. Even working minimum wage in a supermarket he'd be bringing home ~300 a week, which is better than fraudulently claiming dole and not giving any to his family. The point isn't whether or not there are jobs, it's that he's not even applying for any.

cypressg wrote: »

This is the same attitude you see so commonly towards the unemployed,when silly people call them lazy so and so's,totally bypassing the fact that there are no jobs .

Every job out there is ridiculously competitive, to the point that it's acceptable that if you don't have a job, you're not doing anything wrong. But there are definitely enough jobs out there to be applying for. I have a degree, but I can't get work in that field at the moment. So did I sit at home saying 'oh well, there's no jobs'? No, I applied for hundreds of jobs, anything I could even barely claim to be qualified for, and now I work crazy hours for minimum wage. It took me two years to even get that job, so I hardly think unemployed people are lazy, but if someone isn't even attempting to find work while they bleed their partner dry and defraud the state, then yes, they're lazy.

Hi OP Here

Hi OP Here wrote: »

I came home from work last night and he was on daft looking for places to house share!!! I was so frustrated, if he can afford to house share, he can afford to help pay rent. I think this was a ploy on his part to make me panic - "Oh no! He is actually going to move out", "Oh no, what if he meets someone else and I am left all alone with the baby" - they are childish games.

I do not understand why he does not feel the same obligation as i do to support the family. Can anyone explain what his thinking is? I am so frustrated with him that I want to cry.

Op... maybe that was his way of telling you he's had enough. And I think you have too. I think it's time to stop reacting to everything he does and doesn't do, and do something about it yourself. Pack his bags for him, tell him good luck with the house share, and a taxi is on its way.
If nothing else, it will give you the space to get your head together without wasting energy on him that you sorely need.
Maybe him too, though I wouldn't count on it.

Merkin

bluewolf wrote: »

I think it's time to stop reacting to everything he does and doesn't do, and do something about it yourself.

This. I totally agree OP, time to take control of the situation once and for all rather than hopelessly waiting to see what he does (or doesn't do :rolleyes:) next. You can't live your life like that.

cypressg

Hi OP Here wrote: »

I disagree with you. I was on a contract job which coincidentally ended when my baby was born. I started applying for jobs in December when I panicked and realised that I would have to get a job or I was going to be out on the street because my OH was doing nothing about it.

I applied for two jobs that week and got interviews for both. I was offered a job out of the first interview by the end of the week and got the second interview 3 months into my new job. So, yes, jobs do exist.

Yeah,if you've got a degree in IT and have been working in the field I'm sure your prospects will be different to someone who has no degree and hasn't been working in the field.No surprise there.Jobs in IT exist for sure,just not so much for ex construction workers.

cypressg

true-or-false wrote: »

But that's the thing, he really is just sitting at home. Not cleaning up or keeping the house in a good condition for when the OP comes home. And while there may be no jobs in construction, there are vacancies in other areas, which he might never get but needs to attempt to apply for. Even working minimum wage in a supermarket he'd be bringing home ~300 a week, which is better than fraudulently claiming dole and not giving any to his family. The point isn't whether or not there are jobs, it's that he's not even applying for any.

I think it's exactly the point -that there are no jobs.I mean why apply if there are none?Just to keep someone happy?What should he apply to?
And I'm not to sure what's going on here but there aren't exactly a load of ****ty minimum wage jobs either like people are making out.There's nearly half a million people unemployed guys,they aren't being too choosy or too lazy,as a country we are nearly half a million jobs short and that's not forgetting the 3ook+ who have emigrated.It's simple maths,being proactive or lowering your standards will not make a job suddenly magically appear.

meeeeh

cypressg wrote: »

I think it's exactly the point -that there are no jobs.I mean why apply if there are none?Just to keep someone happy?What should he apply to?
And I'm not to sure what's going on here but there aren't exactly a load of ****ty minimum wage jobs either like people are making out.There's nearly half a million people unemployed guys,they aren't being too choosy or too lazy,as a country we are nearly half a million jobs short and that's not forgetting the 3ook+ who have emigrated.It's simple maths,being proactive or lowering your standards will not make a job suddenly magically appear.

Well if he cant get a job, he should do housework and take care of the child. Or is that woman's job?

Couldn't you annoy somebody on politics forum with rambling like above?

Oryx

Bluewolfs advice is the best, and only advice you need. Do what you want, and let the cards fall where they may.

You can love someone, and like them, and yet still it can be the right thing to leave them.

Neyite

cypressg wrote: »

I think it's exactly the point -that there are no jobs.I mean why apply if there are none?Just to keep someone happy?What should he apply to?
And I'm not to sure what's going on here but there aren't exactly a load of ****ty minimum wage jobs either like people are making out.There's nearly half a million people unemployed guys,they aren't being too choosy or too lazy,as a country we are nearly half a million jobs short and that's not forgetting the 3ook+ who have emigrated.It's simple maths,being proactive or lowering your standards will not make a job suddenly magically appear.

Cypressg, welcome to PI /RI Forum. Its an advice forum for posters to offer advice to the OP, not a forum for debate /disagreement with other posters. Your post above, is off topic, and contains no advice for the OP.

Please read the charter and ensure you are posting within its guidelines.

endacl

jdsk2006 wrote: »

Cancel the internet connection for a start. Cable tv too. Consult with citizens advice and mabs for yourself and then tell him your done. Be fully prepared to carry through it tho or your upsetting yourself for nothing. And I can assure you, packing him off to his mother is probably your best bet.....see how long she puts up with his crap

Big hugs to you xx

I wouldn't cancel Internet. If I was paying the bill though, I'd certainly change the password.

cypressg

Neyite wrote: »

Cypressg, welcome to PI /RI Forum. Its an advice forum for posters to offer advice to the OP, not a forum for debate /disagreement with other posters. Your post above, is off topic, and contains no advice for the OP.

Please read the charter and ensure you are posting within its guidelines.

I'm confused,I thought this was a forum for discussion.Can you show me where in the charter it says that it's not a forum for debate/disagreement like you say?
The OP is complaining about the other half not looking for work and I'm explaining how there is no work,I'm completely on topic.

cypressg

meeeeh wrote: »

Couldn't you annoy somebody on politics forum with rambling like above?

This is off topic and needs moderation.

endacl

cypressg wrote: »

I'm confused,I thought this was a forum for discussion.Can you show me where in the charter it says that it's not a forum for debate/disagreement like you say?
The OP is complaining about the other half not looking for work and I'm explaining how there is no work,I'm completely on topic.

Actually, one sector which is still relatively healthy is IT.

Back on topic now?

Neyite

cypressg wrote: »

I'm confused,I thought this was a forum for discussion.Can you show me where in the charter it says that it's not a forum for debate/disagreement like you say?
The OP is complaining about the other half not looking for work and I'm explaining how there is no work,I'm completely on topic.

Discussing the current economy with another poster is not on topic. Suggestions on how she can resolve the issue that she asked advice on would be on topic, in line with the charter here:

most of all, if you have nothing relevant to add to the topic, please refrain from posting anything at all.
Off topic behaviour will result in a ban.

cypressg wrote: »

This is off topic and needs moderation.

And this is also flouting two more guidelines in our charter/boards sitewide guidelines, namely: Backseat Modding, and questioning a mod on thread, having been asked to read the charter and you would have seen these rules also, so you have earned a warning.

cypressg

Neyite wrote: »

Discussing the current economy with another poster is not on topic. Suggestions on how she can resolve the issue that she asked advice on would be on topic, in line with the charter here:

I note that you are unable to show me where it says what you claim in the charter and instead are making a new claim that discussing the job prospects in the economy is not relevant to the topic at hand-that the OP is upset at her partners reluctance to look for work and his assertion that there isn't any.
It's clearly relevant.

tinkerbell

OP, you've given him enough chances. Time's up. Pack his bags and tell him he has to move out. You're gaining nothing from this relationship and you need to so something about it so that either he sorts himself out and Ye work through things or else you move on with your life.

Starokan

Hi OP Here wrote: »

Hi OP here, Starokan, that is very considerate of you and he probably is stuck in a rut and you are right there are very few jobs in construction. But, he has a degree from one of Irelands top universities in Business and he could easily get a data entry job of some sort having gone back to college after meeting me.

I have even gone so far as to apply for jobs for him online. But his problem is he thinks it is possible to walk into a dream job so only applies for jobs himself that he would "love" to do. It frustrates me no end. I am not in a job i love, I am in a job I can do because rent needs to be paid.

He has been told to send a short email into a guy who could get him a job, arranged by a family member. But do you think he could even do that? No! He wrote a short paragraph about where his strengths are and emailed it to me to proof read and re write. He didnt even spell check the document - spelling and capitalization errors in abundance! He obviously doesn't care about getting the job is that is the amount of enthusiasm he can muster.

I came home from work last night and he was on daft looking for places to house share!!! I was so frustrated, if he can afford to house share, he can afford to help pay rent. I think this was a ploy on his part to make me panic - "Oh no! He is actually going to move out", "Oh no, what if he meets someone else and I am left all alone with the baby" - they are childish games.

I do not understand why he does not feel the same obligation as i do to support the family. Can anyone explain what his thinking is? I am so frustrated with him that I want to cry.

Hi Op,

Thank you for expanding on your original post, i did not pick up on the degree of frustration etc and this post makes it very clear as to why you feel the way you do. Its a messed up scenario and he is being extremely lazy and is probably feeling sorry for himself, i always try and see both sides of any situation and based on what you say here it seems he thinks the dream job will fall into his lap , it might happen but it has a much better chance if he gets himself out and meets more people.

He is in a real rut and probably just needs a break to get through it, what you need to see is that he will make the effort to get that break. Its evident you love him, whether you give him another chance or not is down to you, perhaps if you as i said before have a real heart to heart, spell it out to him that you will leave unless he changes and by change you mean , cleaning, helping, preparing meals & looking for work etc.

I still think you need to ask yourself though if these changes will be enough, not so long back I had to finish my own business and it took me a year to find work, I was the opposite of your oh and I literally spent every day job hunting taking anything that came along until I found a full time position within my field. For my partner that effort was not enough and we split, I understood it to be honest, lifestyle was a big thing for her our lifestyle changed without my earnings. Thats why I say you need to think on this because it really may happen that he could be long term unemployed regardless of how much effort he puts in so you need to consider will the changes be enough..

LegacyUser

When you have a partner and a child you have to grow up and take responsibility for your life. At the moment he is getting dole of €752 every 4 weeks along with €100 to €300 a month nixers and he can't give you money towards the bills.

Why are you still living with this man?
At this stage he should be giving you a sum of money each month for the baby and to keep the bills paid. He should also know that if your working you need his help with the house and baby and he should be looking hard for work.
You have also told us he owes revenue €60k. He has may have some type of agreement to pay revenue x sum a week or month when he is back working - no work, no paying revenue. I would advise you that if he is not paying revenue back this money they will charge him interest, fines ect and they will come after him in regards to the money he owes.

At this stage you need to get him out of the house when you pack up all his belongings.
When he comes back to the house I would just tell him it is time for him to move out as you can no longer afford to support the 3 of you on your wages. He may promise to change ect but since he has made no effort up to now this is not going to happen.
You are with a mean, lazy selfish man who will never grow up as he has no need to.

At this stage you have to consider your own long term future and that of your sons.
Once you get him out of the house I would get the locks changed so he can't get back in case he still has keys.
I would not worry about what his family thinks of you. If they ring you/call to you I would let them know what he has been like with you since you had the baby, that he will not give you money towards the rent/bills and has made no effort to get work. I would also let them know that you can no longer support him.

I am sure that you own family will offer you plenty of support if you tell them what he has been like and the fact you have kicked him out of the house.
In the past I have had friends who have stayed working or changed jobs when there partners were unemployed or starting business. There partners knew the oh were doing this to build up a better long term future for both of them and any children they had.
All relationships require give and take but when your doing all the giving it is time to move on with your own life where you work on giving your child a good future.
Good Luck

The Corinthian

BegrudgingHavingToReturnToWork wrote: »

We have a 1 year old child and I had to return to work to pay rent after 6 months maternity leave.
...
I told him in december that the lease on the house I am renting is for 12 months and come september, if he is not paying 50% of the rent, I will be moving out and he will not be coming with myself and my son.

I note you go from you (plural) having a child to you threatening to take your (singular) child away from him. If you threaten to move out, without specifically referring to your (plural) child, this effectively implies that you'll bring your (plural) child with you anyway, but if you've threatened as you have here, it would be seen as quite a bit more belligerent and this as likely to result in the opposite reaction to what you would hope for.

This is an observation, more than anything - how things are phrased often make a big difference to how they're received.

He is driving me crazy and I am at a loss as to what to do now. Help.

I agree that he's not pulling his weight; even as a stay at home dad, he's not doing his job as one - if he was, I'd have a lot more sympathy for him. Additionally, he does not strike me as someone, especially if he's in a rut, who will respond to ultimatums or threats.

One approach that comes to mind, although I don't know if I really would recommend it, is to place him in a situation whereby he has no option but to deal with his situation. He's defrauding the system at present, so were he reported, he would invariably end up being cut off, thus removing the 'comfortable' level of income that's effectively keeping him where he is.

Then he would be forced to sort himself out.

Of course, such a course of action is not something to rush into; if traced back to you, it would naturally be seen as a major betrayal, and conceivably destroy your relationship. Also you need to consider how legally you would be implicated; after all you have knowingly assisted him in social welfare fraud.

Nonetheless, if this 'conformable' income were cut, he would be quickly forced to deal with his situation and if you were not implicated in this, you could also be there to support his transition back to employment.

On the basis of both risk and ethics, I would stop short of recommending this stratagem. However, my feeling is that threats (especially belligerent ones) are likely to at best have no effect, if not backfire altogether and I'm not sure what other options are available to you.