Am I wrong to be put off by this?

Est28

Hey folks,
So as I mentioned in other threads, I live and work abroad. I recently signed up for a singles sports team since I figured it would be a good way to meet a few people my own age who might be up for hanging out, etc...

I can't really tell if I am being overly sensitive because it's maybe not what I'd expect from people in Ireland or if this one person on the team is actually just been a bit of a plonker.

The story is this....
It's a singles league so the assumption is you get to meet an event split of guys and girls around your own age living in and around the city to makes friends, etc... This one guy has a girlfriend yet joined up anyway, not the worst thing in the world but kind of against the point of it since there's lots of other types of leagues around. Yet he just won't stop telling all the guys about his girlfriend, his house, his car, etc, etc, etc... and openly hits on all the girls... like VERY obviously... he's a nerdy type so he comes off rather sleezy than smooth. He's very smarmy and doesn't really chat to the other guys, just makes sleezy come-ons to all the girls, only talks to them.

I just couldn't take to the guy.

The group in general has been pretty social, outside the games they've tried organizing drinks and a few other things during the week but this guy somehow manages to shoot everything down. He is the only one who lives 45 minutes outside the city and can only get there by car (many young people in the city don't drive). He keeps shooting down any activities suggested in the city and insists we all come out to where he lives telling us how great his place is, etc... Yet he lives in the middle of nowhere. (Basically imagine a bunch of young professionals living in Dublin but being forced to find their way out to a farm somewhere in Kildare... we must WE all be put out to go AWAY from where there's stuff to do?)

Just today, one of the girls was trying to organize going to a pub quiz. But this guy interjected and said he doesn't go to "mainstream corporate bars", whatever that means, basically he doesn't go to social places it seems. One of those guys, "Oh I don't like bars" or in other words he doesn't like going places where he's shown up as an unsocial creep.
Someone suggested other places and he shot them all down because of the food they serve and it doesn't agree with him... it wasn't even a "Would you guys mind if we went here instead...." statement. It was "I REFUSE to go anywhere where X, Y and Z..." like as if that's the final word on the whole thing. Nobody else has an opinions apparently.

He's clearly trying to be this alphamale leader type guy and leading the group but since he comes off so smarmy and just like a geeky nerdy guy over compensating, it's REALLY offputting to me. He's ruined so many outtings now.

None of the rest of the team seems to say anything, they just let him carry on until the whole activity planned either never happens or is complete crap because nobody wants to really go anymore. Yet I can't figure if they also find him to be such a plonker or if I am just not really used to guys being like this... the whole "Alphamale" thing is common here but this guy just comes off like he's trying too hard and being a dick instead.

I haven't done or said anything because it's likely to cause friction. The group is fairly new so I'd rather just leave it than cause friction if I'm the only one who's unhappy but is this really me or is he being kind of a plonker?

Doom

Is his name David Brent?

Maggotz

Est28 wrote: »

Hey folks,
So as I mentioned in other threads, I live and work abroad. I recently signed up for a singles sports team since I figured it would be a good way to meet a few people my own age who might be up for hanging out, etc...

I can't really tell if I am being overly sensitive because it's maybe not what I'd expect from people in Ireland or if this one person on the team is actually just been a bit of a plonker.

The story is this....
It's a singles league so the assumption is you get to meet an event split of guys and girls around your own age living in and around the city to makes friends, etc... This one guy has a girlfriend yet joined up anyway, not the worst thing in the world but kind of against the point of it since there's lots of other types of leagues around. Yet he just won't stop telling all the guys about his girlfriend, his house, his car, etc, etc, etc... and openly hits on all the girls... like VERY obviously... he's a nerdy type so he comes off rather sleezy than smooth. He's very smarmy and doesn't really chat to the other guys, just makes sleezy come-ons to all the girls, only talks to them.

I just couldn't take to the guy.

The group in general has been pretty social, outside the games they've tried organizing drinks and a few other things during the week but this guy somehow manages to shoot everything down. He is the only one who lives 45 minutes outside the city and can only get there by car (many young people in the city don't drive). He keeps shooting down any activities suggested in the city and insists we all come out to where he lives telling us how great his place is, etc... Yet he lives in the middle of nowhere. (Basically imagine a bunch of young professionals living in Dublin but being forced to find their way out to a farm somewhere in Kildare... we must WE all be put out to go AWAY from where there's stuff to do?)

Just today, one of the girls was trying to organize going to a pub quiz. But this guy interjected and said he doesn't go to "mainstream corporate bars", whatever that means, basically he doesn't go to social places it seems. One of those guys, "Oh I don't like bars" or in other words he doesn't like going places where he's shown up as an unsocial creep.
Someone suggested other places and he shot them all down because of the food they serve and it doesn't agree with him... it wasn't even a "Would you guys mind if we went here instead...." statement. It was "I REFUSE to go anywhere where X, Y and Z..." like as if that's the final word on the whole thing. Nobody else has an opinions apparently.

He's clearly trying to be this alphamale leader type guy and leading the group but since he comes off so smarmy and just like a geeky nerdy guy over compensating, it's REALLY offputting to me. He's ruined so many outtings now.

None of the rest of the team seems to say anything, they just let him carry on until the whole activity planned either never happens or is complete crap because nobody wants to really go anymore. Yet I can't figure if they also find him to be such a plonker or if I am just not really used to guys being like this... the whole "Alphamale" thing is common here but this guy just comes off like he's trying too hard and being a dick instead.

I haven't done or said anything because it's likely to cause friction. The group is fairly new so I'd rather just leave it than cause friction if I'm the only one who's unhappy but is this really me or is he being kind of a plonker?

Call him out on this. Be a mensch

Next time he speaks against something, address him specifically to come up with an alternative. If he can't, then say that until the group has a plan B there's no choice.

Stand up to him. Be the one to speak up, albeit diplomatically. The rest of the group will more than likely respect you for it.

Meauldsegosha

The next time he tries to change plans say "We've gone with your suggestions the last couple of times [insert his name] so why don't we try X's suggestion this time, pub quizes are grest fun. Everyone enjoys them."

Be polite about. You will be surprised, once you stand up to him the others will back you up.

Big Bag of Chips

Does he HAVE to go?! Surely it should be a "majority rules" situation. I would take his objection to everything as the perfect opportunity to go places without him.

As soon as he pipes up with "I'm not going there.... etc" you should say, "Oh ok" and then continue on making the plans.

One person should not be able to dictate to a whole group. He either joins in, or he doesn't.

(by the way, there's a very good chance his gf is fictitious!)

Est28

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Does he HAVE to go?! Surely it should be a "majority rules" situation. I would take his objection to everything as the perfect opportunity to go places without him.

As soon as he pipes up with "I'm not going there.... etc" you should say, "Oh ok" and then continue on making the plans.

One person should not be able to dictate to a whole group. He either joins in, or he doesn't.

(by the way, there's a very good chance his gf is fictitious!)

Well let me ask this way....
That's pretty much it. My sentiments on the guy are... well, if you don't want to do what the rest of the group does then go take a run and jump. Why do we all have to cater to him.

A bunch of us had decided on a bar for a quiz this week, he complains about it and now other people are trying to suggest other places but it's just all blown up in the air now. Based on the last few times this happened the whole thing will become a chore now to organize and get all agreed when the first place was perfectly fine.

But nobody seems to have a problem with him being such a dick. The league only started a few weeks ago. I'm not tied to this group and I'm not trying to oust him as self appointed leader... it's more a case of... well, If I'm the only one with a problem I could take or leave the group really, I only joined to make a few friends and the likes of this guy is not a group I want to be friends with... so maybe it's just my problem!?!?

So as with anything.... yes, we all SAY the thing to do is speak up and tell the guy where to shove it, but in practice, how many of you would do this? The returns hardly seem even worth doing so, it's not like these are long term friends, it was just an outlet to get out and about somewhere different.

Hagar the Nice.

Every single one of you should head out to where he lives,let him pick the joint,tell him you are all excited about meeting his g/f and ask him to bring her along too,if he bluffs it then tell him to bugger off.

YumCha

This kind of reminds me of something on Captain Awkward: #322 & #323 “My friend group has a case of the Creepy Dude. How do we clear that up?”

Am not saying he's anywhere near as bad, but it doesn't seem uncommon to get these dynamics where one person is behaving pretty badly, most other people either excuse or overlook it, and a small minority are fuming.

Keep being assertive but polite. I've been the 'enforcer' a few times and it hasn't really worked out as the guy in question goes all sad panda (read the article for the reference!) and the rest of the group is split between capitulating to him even further, or secretly whispering "thank you" when they think no one is looking.

BerryBlue

He sounds pure obnoxious to be around - as someone said above, I'm sure all his boasting of how great his life is, what he has & his beautiful girlfriend - all in his head. I'd put money on it that if hes behaving like that, then others in the group feel the same way. But as everyone is just getting to know each other, no-one has broke that barrier yet, and everyone is probably thinking the same thing - is it just me feeling this way, and probably don't want to be the first to say it.

Could you speak to one or two other people in the group about organising something - something general, (like your previous suggestions), but decide between yourselves that when you bring it up, to say first - I'm organising going to this pub on friday night, and would be great if you could make it, but if it doesn't suit you that's fine, but we'll be there if you change your mind! Or something along those lines..

You have to shut him down - most people are there for the same reason - to be SOCIAL, and this dude justs want to control the group & have everything his way. If I was in a group like that & ideas were thrown out that weren't my cup of tea - I'd just say I couldn't make it that night or something - I wouldn't be trying to spoil it for everyone else.

You said you've not made any ties with people there yet so could just quit the group and lose nothing. But why not try to outmanouver him, don't be trying to be polite & accomodating (sounds like you've tried that) - be a bit smart or cutting in a 'lighthearted' way, and don't let him away with him behaving like its all about him.

Just some ideas - sounds like a right pain, join a group to have fun & come away feeling worse! Let us know what happens.

Emme

Is everyone else in the group single except him? Does he bring his girlfriend on nights out or does he just brag about her?

Next time he suggests going to a place near him tell him he should host a barbecue in his place and you'd all contribute to the cost. That way you could see his lovely house and meet his girlfriend.

If he doesn't agree to that then tell him majority rules and you're going to a "mainstream corporate bar":rolleyes: in the city whether he likes it or not.

Ignore him and he should get the hint and go away. If you haven't met his girlfriend or seen his house I suspect that he has neither.

Maggotz

Emme wrote: »

Is everyone else in the group single except him? Does he bring his girlfriend on nights out or does he just brag about her?

Next time he suggests going to a place near him tell him he should host a barbecue in his place and you'd all contribute to the cost. That way you could see his lovely house and meet his girlfriend.

If he doesn't agree to that then tell him majority rules and you're going to a "mainstream corporate bar":rolleyes: in the city whether he likes it or not.

Ignore him and he should get the hint and go away. If you haven't met his girlfriend or seen his house I suspect that he has neither.

It's unlikely his girlfriend exists imo

Est28

YumCha wrote: »

This kind of reminds me of something on Captain Awkward: #322 & #323 “My friend group has a case of the Creepy Dude. How do we clear that up?”

Am not saying he's anywhere near as bad, but it doesn't seem uncommon to get these dynamics where one person is behaving pretty badly, most other people either excuse or overlook it, and a small minority are fuming.

Keep being assertive but polite. I've been the 'enforcer' a few times and it hasn't really worked out as the guy in question goes all sad panda (read the article for the reference!) and the rest of the group is split between capitulating to him even further, or secretly whispering "thank you" when they think no one is looking.

That was both a hilarious and disturbing read. Yes, we all know "that guy" in the group. While it's not quite as extreme as this. I don't see him inappropriately touching anyone it is essentially the same kind of situation though.
We all know the guy who's kinda good with girls and banters away and the girls probably like it but we also know the guy who's kinda creepy and over compensating and this guy is definitely the latter.

As I said it's not "my group", I only just joined. It's not an atmosphere I like so I might just be better off trying something different than kicking up a storm if I'm the only one.

This morning he has been facebooking us all about some more stupid things he wants us to do and spamming us all about buying some livingsocial deal (making it sounds great but basically he wants it for free if he can refer enough of us... it's literally spamming)

Living abroad though you meet all types. At home if a guy is being a fool someone might just give him a quick "Ah shut up will ya!?" and hope he gets the message but I'm used to people being very forward here so thats why it's difficult to know if I am being over the top and I just need to get used to it... but this guy just seems way more out there than most

Est28

Emme wrote: »

Is everyone else in the group single except him? Does he bring his girlfriend on nights out or does he just brag about her?

Next time he suggests going to a place near him tell him he should host a barbecue in his place and you'd all contribute to the cost. That way you could see his lovely house and meet his girlfriend.

If he doesn't agree to that then tell him majority rules and you're going to a "mainstream corporate bar":rolleyes: in the city whether he likes it or not.

Ignore him and he should get the hint and go away. If you haven't met his girlfriend or seen his house I suspect that he has neither.

I get the idea of calling his bluff but that would suggest I actually care.
He does live that far outside the city, that's why he wants us all to go there. I don't know or care if he owns a house there.

I also doubt he has a girlfriend, he also claimed to be divorced (we're all around 25-28) but to be honest, girlfriend or not, I couldn't care less... I don't want to travel an hour outside the city just to call his bluff when I don't care. He DOES want us to go there so he won't make excuses but I'm sure his GF would be "busy" or something that day... but again... I just don't even care enough to spend a whole day on this.

Emme

Est28 wrote: »

I get the idea of calling his bluff but that would suggest I actually care.
He does live that far outside the city, that's why he wants us all to go there. I don't know or care if he owns a house there.

I also doubt he has a girlfriend, he also claimed to be divorced (we're all around 25-28) but to be honest, girlfriend or not, I couldn't care less... I don't want to travel an hour outside the city just to call his bluff when I don't care. He DOES want us to go there so he won't make excuses but I'm sure his GF would be "busy" or something that day... but again... I just don't even care enough to spend a whole day on this.

OP, are there meetup groups in your area? Perhaps the group you speak of is a meetup, but there should be others if this one doesn't suit you. If the rest of the group are putting up with this joker's antics it doesn't bod well.

Floppybits

I think if I was you I would join one of the other teams in the league and leave this group to the looser.

LittleBook

Est28 wrote: »

But nobody seems to have a problem with him being such a dick

Well, to be fair, as far as they know YOU have no problem with him being such a dick.

Honestly, if you're at the stage where you're considering letting this guys behaviour run you out of the group, you've nothing to lose by calling him on it.

Either way, there's nothing to stop you approaching someone in the group you feel you could connect with and starting from there.

Potatoeman

Est28 wrote: »

Well let me ask this way....
That's pretty much it. My sentiments on the guy are... well, if you don't want to do what the rest of the group does then go take a run and jump. Why do we all have to cater to him.

A bunch of us had decided on a bar for a quiz this week, he complains about it and now other people are trying to suggest other places but it's just all blown up in the air now. Based on the last few times this happened the whole thing will become a chore now to organize and get all agreed when the first place was perfectly fine.

But nobody seems to have a problem with him being such a dick. The league only started a few weeks ago. I'm not tied to this group and I'm not trying to oust him as self appointed leader... it's more a case of... well, If I'm the only one with a problem I could take or leave the group really, I only joined to make a few friends and the likes of this guy is not a group I want to be friends with... so maybe it's just my problem!?!?

So as with anything.... yes, we all SAY the thing to do is speak up and tell the guy where to shove it, but in practice, how many of you would do this? The returns hardly seem even worth doing so, it's not like these are long term friends, it was just an outlet to get out and about somewhere different.

Who came up with the pub quiz idea? Are you more annoyed because it was yours? Some people rub you the wrong way so keep that in mind too. Can you ask the others what his story is and can you see who his gf is on facebook?

Est28

Potatoeman wrote: »

Who came up with the pub quiz idea? Are you more annoyed because it was yours? Some people rub you the wrong way so keep that in mind too. Can you ask the others what his story is and can you see who his gf is on facebook?

No, the pub quiz wasn't my idea. I really don't mind.
A few people had the idea that it might be fun to get drinks or something an socialize outside of just playing the game. Someone knew of a pub quiz and it just seemed like everyone was on board for that night but this guy is being an idiot. It really doesn't matter what we do.
In some ways I wouldn't even mind accomodating someone who lives further away if he was nice about it.

But as I said, he hardly acknowledges the guys, he's not really even interested in playing, he's just there perving on the girls and trying to have his own way.

Potatoeman

Est28 wrote: »

No, the pub quiz wasn't my idea. I really don't mind.
A few people had the idea that it might be fun to get drinks or something an socialize outside of just playing the game. Someone knew of a pub quiz and it just seemed like everyone was on board for that night but this guy is being an idiot. It really doesn't matter what we do.
In some ways I wouldn't even mind accomodating someone who lives further away if he was nice about it.

But as I said, he hardly acknowledges the guys, he's not really even interested in playing, he's just there perving on the girls and trying to have his own way.

Could you point out that he lives further away than anyone else and no one else has a problem with the bar. He sounds like a chancer but I would get others to back you up maybe not invite him.

kylith

Est28 wrote: »

No, the pub quiz wasn't my idea. I really don't mind.
A few people had the idea that it might be fun to get drinks or something an socialize outside of just playing the game. Someone knew of a pub quiz and it just seemed like everyone was on board for that night but this guy is being an idiot. It really doesn't matter what we do.
In some ways I wouldn't even mind accomodating someone who lives further away if he was nice about it.

Next time he says that it's too far just say 'Oh, that's a shame. We'll see you at the next game so', and continue on without him. If he kick's up a fuss point out that if town is too far for him then his house is too far for ye, and 'sure wouldn't your girlfriend be worried about you?'

Est28

Sorry I am ranting now but just needed to get it off my chest...

This guy emailed the entire team this morning with a really long email ranting about our "unbecoming behaviours". Not calling anyone out in particular, it was all written vaguely so as not to actually mention names or actual behaviours that he feels are unbecoming.

We have only all just met and have only played 2 games. I don't even get where this guy is coming from. One of the girls on the team has already said she is done with it because it's not any fun at all and another couple have basically said it was the last straw.

I think I'm done with it too. I might try another team or something, this is all a bit dumb.

Katgurl

Hold on why would you be done with it? And the girls are starting to leg it too? You can't let one guy dismantle the whole group before it even gets going. It sounds like a great concept by the way and if everyone there is single and looking to make friends you've got the makings of some serious craic.

I get that your main problem is that you don't know if you are alone in your opinions. But clearly the last chain of events suggest you're not; this guy is throwing his toys out of the pram and people are wanting to leave.

First of all ask the girls why they are leaving then say "yeah I noticed him being sleazy but didn't know if it was bothering anyone". That should open up the convo and you can say you're not too thrilled about the travel and would people be on for insisting local. You only need ask a couple of people this.

Then next gathering make your suggestion or request some and if this guy pipes up say "well I'd like something local but I'll go with the majority, what does everybody else think?"

It sounds like he might not be turning up again anyway in which case problem solved.

ibarelycare

"Reply to all", removing his email address. Tell everyone that you know you're not the only one not happy with this person's behaviour and that it is pushing people out of the group. Suggest that you all stand together and tell him that you no longer want him to be part of your activity. The majority, if not all, of the group are bound to be feeling the same way and will appreciate and respect you for taking control. On the other hand, if people don't respond and just want to say nothing, then you should think about finding a new group.

gazzer

Est28 wrote: »

Sorry I am ranting now but just needed to get it off my chest...

This guy emailed the entire team this morning with a really long email ranting about our "unbecoming behaviours". Not calling anyone out in particular, it was all written vaguely so as not to actually mention names or actual behaviours that he feels are unbecoming.

We have only all just met and have only played 2 games. I don't even get where this guy is coming from. One of the girls on the team has already said she is done with it because it's not any fun at all and another couple have basically said it was the last straw.

I think I'm done with it too. I might try another team or something, this is all a bit dumb.

BIB Well now you know you are not the only one who feels this way. How did you find out about this girl and couple? Did they just say it in passing or was there emails sent around after the original email?