A guy asked me out, my first reaction is to cry...

unreggedio13

As the thread title says...

Reg user have just created this ac for this thread as it's easier than posting anonymously.

I was in work yesterday when a customer asked me out. Ashamed to say my first reaction was to laugh; not at him, but the possibility of being asked out. It's not about the guy, I'm sure he'll get over it. Then I just felt upset, weirdly, like I wanted to burst into tears. I felt as if I was going to cry and had to hold it together for the rest of my shift.

So this incident has really highlighted to me that I need to change. I am terrified of a romantic relationship, yet it is something I want.

I'm in a general rut, working in my old part-time college job, after failing to get anything, even internships, in the field I've qualified in. I have tried to get work abroad, and now I am set to go to Asia next February- if I can get any kind of crappy job after this contract finishes in September.

I haven't had a relationship since 2008! It took me a long time to get over my ex, now I am ok with him, and quite friendly with his girlfriend. My last one night stand was a ridicuosly long time ago (ok, 2011). I am ok with one-night stands. He wanted to continue that on a casual basis but I declined as our families are linked, it was too complicated.

I posted before, almost a year ago, about a situation I was in with a friend. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056767365. Basically, he is gay and strung me along for a long time, happy to use me as an experiment to test his feelings. I know that may sound harsh, but I know this guy and that's how he thinks. I haven't spoken to him in months, but he's on my mind more recently, as met some mutual friends randomly the other week and I may have to be around him in a couple of months, mutual friend coming home for Xmas.

The feelings of worthlessness and unattractiveness have not left me since that time. I suffer from eczema and due to the stress of having to move back home and being unemployed, it worsened. It has cleared again, but I felt so embarrassed leaving the house with it, it was on my eyelids.

When I was in college last year I lived with three other girls. I was determined to make the most of it when it came to guys, but obviously I was still hung up that friend. Two of the girls are model-like, which made me feel quite inadequate. The other one is also very pretty, and she is well able to talk to guys. She would be the first to talk to them and basically swoop in and take over a conversation. She has a boyfriend so on nights out she would lead them on until it came to a point she HAD to tell them she wasn't single. Then she'd just leave them with me or another friend of hers who was single, saying "I'm not single but unreggedio13 is!" Then I'd feel totally awkward and well aware I was second best and could think of nothing to say to them. I, and the other girl, have confronted her about this but she saw nothing wrong in it. This, and the fact I felt the other girls looked far better than me no matter how much effort I went to make-up, hair and clothes-wise, knocked my confidence.

My social life is pretty limited at home. Most guys here are coupled up anyway. The funny thing is when I'm at work (almost all of our customers are men) I can talk away to them grand. Put me in a social situation and I freeze. I'm just sick of this. I would be a good girlfriend, I have lots to offer, I am a nice person. I am just scared and wary of being hurt, and I don't know how to get my confidence off the ground.

I also seem to be a magnet for old creeps, guaranteed if you put me in a pub with a thousand girls and one elderly perv, the elderly perv will come for me. This is not really a market I'm looking to tap into...

Sorry for disjointed rambling, any words of advice most welcome.

Starokan

You need to break this cycle and the easiest way to do that is to go on a date with the person who asked you out. That is assuming that he is not an old creep and that it wont compromise your position in work

I would not worry to much about clubs etc, its a surreal setting and whereas you might score someone in a club it can be a total different situation when you try to get to know each other.

Confidence is very important, you know you have a lot to offer , you need to get this across to people. Friends are a great source of meeting someone, blind dates are fun, perhaps mention to some of your friends that you would like to meet someone


One of the best things to happen in recent years in my opinion is the growth of internet dating, its making dating and much more accessible to those of us who are less outgoing in a pub/club setting. Would you consider something like that?

With regard to the situation with your friend no matter how much your thinking about him its not going to work. Chalk that down to experience and just be friends

shane9689

Ill date you


In all seriousness though, old creepy guys hit on anyone and everyone...even guys sometimes...ugh makes me sick to think i might end up like that one day.... saw an old fella with a thai bride today, she was smoking hot and he was groping her ass while whispering to her , it made me feel physically sick, she just stood there with a fake smile...ugh

anyways back on topic....
eczema can be treated to an extent no?
also, as i always say...exercise...really good for self-confidence, happiness and getting in shape/ looking better

i find it weird that he asked you out...you said "no" and yet you find it odd that anyone would ask you out?
obviously its not odd...it just happened! although us guys sometimes do try their luck with anyone...

thers nothing you can do about your friends getting more guys, there'll always always always be someone better than you at something in life, just be the best you can be!
i have friends at college who get girls X100 at ease while im left fighting to get the attention of just afew, but i dont bother beating myself up over it, i just try to learn from them what i can, and accept what i cant change sometimes.

Life sucks at times...especially when it comes to relationships.... it sounds like you dont do too badly when it comes to guys, but rather youre just being too self-concious or have slightly low self-esteem??? try working on making yourself feel good and when it comes to guys just force yourself to chat and say things even if you get embarrassed, push your boundries in social situations...the more you do that, the more comfortable youll feel with the ordinary conversation stuff


anyways, i dont know if my rambling helped at all, but there you go!

Reesy

Hi OP,

Sorry for your troubles. I'd humbly suggest you look at counselling - I guess it sounds scary but if you find a real therapist (there are plenty charlatans in that business in Ireland so maybe go thru your GP?) and get some help to unpick what's going on for you, and learn some strategies.

And the customer who asked him out - would you consider a date with him or is he really not of any interest, even for practising on?

Good luck anyway & fair play to you for taking the first step & sharing on here.

unreggedio13

First off thanks for all the nice replies, I feel better now. I was talking to the girls at work and telling them about it and how embarrassed I felt, and they said that they would be mortified too, especially about being put on the spot like how I was...

Starokan wrote: »

One of the best things to happen in recent years in my opinion is the growth of internet dating, its making dating and much more accessible to those of us who are less outgoing in a pub/club setting. Would you consider something like that?

With regard to the situation with your friend no matter how much your thinking about him its not going to work. Chalk that down to experience and just be friends

thanks Starokan. I suppose I would be wary of internet dating being the type of person who finds it pretty hard to trust. I might struggle on the traditional way for a while, and but never say never!

I thought I was doing ok though as regards him, bit of relapse. The whole thing went on for two years or so, more than it should have done, and he would consider it unimportant I know. I'm dreading the thought of seeing him and pretending everything's ok and I'm not angry or hurt at the way I was treated

shane9689 wrote: »

.
eczema can be treated to an extent no?

I find sunshine does wonders, so it's much better this week!

shane9689 wrote: »

i find it weird that he asked you out...you said "no" and yet you find it odd that anyone would ask you out?
obviously its not odd...it just happened! although us guys sometimes do try their luck with anyone...

thers nothing you can do about your friends getting more guys, there'll always always always be someone better than you at something in life, just be the best you can be!
i have friends at college who get girls X100 at ease while im left fighting to get the attention of just afew, but i dont bother beating myself up over it, i just try to learn from them what i can, and accept what i cant change sometimes.

Life sucks at times...especially when it comes to relationships.... it sounds like you dont do too badly when it comes to guys, but rather youre just being too self-concious or have slightly low self-esteem??? try working on making yourself feel good and when it comes to guys just force yourself to chat and say things even if you get embarrassed, push your boundries in social situations...the more you do that, the more comfortable youll feel with the ordinary conversation stuff


anyways, i dont know if my rambling helped at all, but there you go!

It did Shane thank you. It can be frustrating when you feel you get passed over for others, but I suppose a lack of confidence shows on the surface. All those things I mentioned all really knocked my confidence, and of course the frustration of nothing going right career-wise either isn't helping. Somedays I do feel like a total failure

Thanks Shane, a few years ago I would have rambled on like billy-o, having the craic, but I seem to have lost that ability, possibly because I couldn't get a word in edgeways...

Reesy wrote: »

Hi OP,

Sorry for your troubles. I'd humbly suggest you look at counselling - I guess it sounds scary but if you find a real therapist (there are plenty charlatans in that business in Ireland so maybe go thru your GP?) and get some help to unpick what's going on for you, and learn some strategies.

And the customer who asked him out - would you consider a date with him or is he really not of any interest, even for practising on?

Good luck anyway & fair play to you for taking the first step & sharing on here.

Thanks Reesy. He was back in the day before yesterday and it was beyond cringey, he wouldn't look at me. I probably would have said no anyway. He's really not my type and I know that sounds picky but I just didn't fancy him.

I have gone to counselling before in college, there are a bit of family and other issues, learning to define boundaries and such as I tended to allow myself to be treated badly. I really can't afford it at the moment and I know someone who's gone through the HSE for bereavement counselling, she made the first appointment in like March or April and it's July now and she's heard no more. I used to do mindfulness exercises and such, I kinda got out of the habit so must get back into it. I think a change of circumstances (getting out of home) might be the best thing for me, I need more money tho!!!