Is it true that "You just know...." Can't get this one out of my head!

LegacyUser

So, without boring everyone with long intrinsic details that might not be particularly relevant I'll try keep this short.

I'm 32 and this guy - who drives me craaaazy is 33.

We met online (I know, the shame :O)

I've been on a few internet dates at this stage (many to try and forget this person) and I know the drill - if it's there, great, if not - promptly move on - I think internet dates are pretty meaningless really, when you have no friends, family career aspirations etc in common it's pretty easy to move on - even after a few months.....unless, something different is going on!

So, we met, we clicked and we had lots of fun. I'm a grown up and yes, perhaps a bit of an old romantic but by no means naiive particularly, I'm a realist - I think, or I thought

I feel like he's "The one" I've had a few serious relationships and even though they lasted years - they just don't compare to the chemistry between me and this guy. He did nothing to try and wine or dine me particularly, it's just not who he is and I love that, but I also think we were so comfortable around each other neither of us felt the need to do any hoop jumping or showing off.

So, a couple of WEEKS in, he'd a major trauma in his family - MAJOR and as a result he's been tied up trying to sort it out (19 months now)

We were in a relationship but his priorities were different all of a sudden and he was constantly forced to change plans, cancel on me, and he was/is just so consumed with the family stuff he felt he wasn't being fair to me, I'd thrown a few strops at this stage over not really knowing where I stood and he's a bottler upper which I respect but at that point (over a year ago now) I didn't know him as well as I do now and I was trying to set some boundaries or whatever.

So, we stayed in touch and have met up a few times (not for sex and not that often, just to have fun and chill out).

I had my own trauma and ended up in a treatment facility for bulimia - I filled him in on all of it - it has been an issue in my life for over a decade so not to gloss over it but the uncertainty of the r/ship with this guy really didn't help, hence the aforementioned attempt at boundary setting.

He came in to visit me (it was residential) and was very supportive.

During treatment I figured I had to love myself first and despite him making huge efforts to be my friend (nothing more) I made a big effort to distance myself from him. I had promised myself not to go back there unless he had something to offer me.

Sure enough, he came on strong and wanted us to give things another proper go. He really tried, like really really tried but the same family stuff kept happening and he wasn't able to disconnect from it so he decided that because I was only out of treatment and doing well but quite vulnerable that he would not forgive himself if I slipped up due to his head being all over the place and once again - we're just friends.

That was February and we're in touch again, just friends, we flirt by text a bit and I've gotten emotional a few times and told him how I feel and that I need to try move on, he will completely respect this and has said he doesn't want to mess up my life but inevitably I normally miss him so much or he misses me and we just end up in touch again.

There's no one else, I know I'm the only girl he's interested in and I love how he respects me enough to not use me (cuz I'd probably let him). He's told me IF and when his family stuff and other issues get resolved I'm the only girl he wants.

He's also said he'd never ask me to wait as that would be unfair, I get him, he gets me but I'm starting to feel like I'm waiting on a bus but standing at the wrong stop!

I met a new guy a few months ago and I guess I did it in an effort to move on so it was never going to work out but when I let him know he was really upset and said he knew it was only a matter of time and he would never try to mess things up for me.

It didn't work out obviously and me and this guy have become closer than ever and things in his world look like they might be starting to change.

He's a real man's man and has zero female friends, hundreds actually it seems like thousands of male buddies who he never confides in - but he tells me everything.

I dunno, my gut instinct tells me he's the one but my head tells me to stop being ridiculous and make more of an effort to move on (which is really bloody hard!!!!!!!!! I was with a guy for 5 years who I adored and it ended suddenly and I moved on quicker than this!)

So, I guess I've a bit of inner conflict and also, as much as I would love to tell him "come back when you know what you want" I love having him in my life, he makes me smile and when i get upset he can diffuse me immediately - which is a rare talent believe me.

I'm sure he's not the only guy in the world who I'll have chemistry with, I'm not that naiive but could it be possible that it's meant to be? Like, eventually, preferably before I dry up? lol

CaraMay

I've been through very major family trauma and it didn't stop me building a very good relationship. Op I really don't see what barriers there could be at this stage. Could be a case of right person but wrong time. Don't waste much more time onhim.

Meauldsegosha

OP you've wasted a year and a half on the guy after a few dates. Many people start and/or maintain relationships while going through other traumas. If he wanted to date you he would.

Also there is no shame is dating someone you meet on-line.

Starokan

I think you are putting to much emphasis on a traditional relationship where you meet all the time ; could you not embark on a relationship knowing that due to his families ongoing issues you can only see each other here and there and that plans may change

If anything it would make any time you get together all the more special. Be there for each other and when things settle you will probably be all the better for it

Merkin

A friend of mine's brother was diagnosed with advanced lymphoma a couple of months into dating someone. This girl and the boy she had just started seeing are now married. Life DOES get in the way and some really bad things happen but that does not preclude you from being involved in a romantic relationship if that's what both parties want.

This sounds like a rather unhealthy codependency on both your parts. He tells you everything and offloads, you're putting all your eggs in this virtual basket hoping against hope that it's suddenly going to morph into some great love affair.

I do believe in "the One" and when you know you know, trust me. Feeling like you have amazing chemistry with someone who can't be in a relationship with you for whatever reasons does not make him the One. You guys have tried to be together and it didn't work. The reasons are incidental really as if he wanted to be your boyfriend then he would walk over hot coals to attain that. You were only seeing him a few short weeks and he called it quits and I would let that be my guide.

Cut your losses. You're obviously very keen on this guy but it's going nowhere and you're wasting your time. Ask him to leave you alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, I might need to divulge a little more info.

He's got 2 brothers, both live abroad and his parents separated unexpectedly just after i met him, mother left the country and texted the father. Father is suicidal, having break downs and panic attacks constantly and has pretty much all but moved in to his apartment - he seems to only be in his own house when he is asleep.

Mother has moved on but father isn't allowed to know until divorce paperwork is finalised, brothers abroad don't seem to care and are just happy to be away from it all.

Father thinks mother is having a temporary breakdown and is waiting for her to come back to him (which is never going to happen). Mother won't speak to father so all communication is done through him.

He's totally caught in the middle, his father calls him at least 15 times a day and arrives at his door when he's due to meet friends, me, colleagues etc. Has told him to keep a close eye on him in case he tops himself yet refuses to go to counselling as he believes his wife will come back to him (she won't)

When he's tried to suggest to his father that his mother might be gone for good his dad literally can't breathe.

So, a lot of this is that his dad is totally dependent on him at the moment and also totally unpredictable and without sounding harsh, quite selfish I think. He feels guilty getting into something solid when his dad is alone and he feels like his whole outlook in relationships has been slightly tainted in a way that he can;t really figure out and I respect him enough to allow him work through that. Anyway, I'm not sure if the extra info helps

CaraMay

The circumstances don't really matter. He won't commit so focus on that and move on.

newuser30

As hard as it will be, it's time to move on with your life. This man, if he wanted to be with you, would be. He definitely would not be making it so hard for you to be with him. From what you have said it looks like it is just a friendship for him, as you said yourself he has no female friends and can't talk to his male friends. Hes telling you, in a nice way to go meet someone else, and don't be waiting on him, because he won't commit to a relationship.
Life is hard and traumas happen it won't stop anyone from being with the person they want. If anything it should bring you closer as a couple.

Emme

Cut your losses and move on. This guy will never be available.

Merkin

wouldloveopinions wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, I might need to divulge a little more info.

I'm afraid the circumstances are really incidental. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you then absolutely nothing would stand in his way. You're wasting your time with this one unfortunately.

blatantrereg

Sure enough, he came on strong and wanted us to give things another proper go. He really tried, like really really tried but the same family stuff kept happening and he wasn't able to disconnect from it so he decided that because I was only out of treatment and doing well but quite vulnerable that he would not forgive himself if I slipped up due to his head being all over the place and once again - we're just friends.

This doesn't make sense. How would his head being all over the place make you slip up?

LegacyUser

I agree with the other posters I have to say - he'll never be available for you. "THE ONE" if he was it, wouldn't be able to spend a second without you regardless of circumstances if you were his "one".

I'd also like to add (as I've been there myself and fully recovered now) that whilst you're in the midst of an eating disorder, especially bulimia, your judgement is not 100%. You're alot more dependant on other people for your own happiness than you will admit to, and your self esteem is completely shot - even though you falsely feel great about yourself at times due to your figure that you didn't have when you weren't throwing up around the clock.

For whatever reason, the attention you received from this guy and the spark that happened initially has stayed with you - and have you thought about this - you may have replaced one obsessive action with another? Because if you're being honest with your psychologist and he/she has a clue, they'll tell you that this is exactly what can happen when battling with bulimia. I assume you were in recovery when you met him? If so, this new guy who came along became another obsession in your life and the only issue now is that you need to learn how to let go of him - also how to avoid this happening again and how to recognise true reciprocal love when you see it, versus an obsession.

I hope that you have the strength to listen to the collective voices you're hearing here and to learn from it. I also hope this wasn't too harsh, but trust me, I was there and sometimes you need brutal honesty kicked in your face before you face up to these truths yourself.

Take care of yourself first.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone,

Especially worethetshirt as I totally understand what you are saying but played down the bulimia aspect of my post as I figured most contributers wouldn't understand the implications of this.

I met him when I was active in my bulimia and have been in recovery since August of last year (TG).

I know in early recovery I am vulnerable to other distrations becoming addictions and have been mindful of this throughout.

In ans to blatentereg.....Yes, it is possible for someone's addiction to be envoked again by emotional issues coming up - we chatted about it and he knew he couldn't give me the reliability or stability I needed in a r/ship and I was feeling a void and blaming myself for him not being around even thought I knew it wasn't my fault - but like I say, vulnerable.

I think this is all good advice, I'm going to stay his friend but work hard on not seeing him as a potential bf any more, he's already had too many opportunities.

Thank you everyone