brother not coming to wedding

LegacyUser

My brother separated from his wife of 14yrs about 1 year ago, he basically found someone else, moved out and his wife was utterly shocked. I have always been close to his wife and m brother. My brother got his new girlfriend pregnant almost immediately and they now a little baby. I love my brother and he said he wasn't happy, so I do support him but I'm also very close to his wife. They have three kids together and joint custody. Anyway I was planning my wedding when this all happened. So I sent out the invitation and invited him and his partner and baby of course and his wife and the kids. Planning on sitting them all separately.( Him and his wife have managed to keep everything civil )
Anyway to cut a long story short, He and his new partner and baby are not coming to wedding. They are so angry at me for inviting his ex. I original said to my brother I wouldn't invite his wife but I just hadn't got the heart not too! We are close and also the kids were expecting their mother to be invited.

So now my brother is talking to me again but is still not coming to wedding. My wedding is a few weeks away now and I feel so hurt and upset.

What do I do??

CaraMay

You can do nothing at this stage. You can debate the rights and wrongs of what you did all day but the bottom line is that attendance at a wedding is not obligatory so he can choose not to go. I assume his partner is calling the shots here. I assume she was his mistress so it would be hard to go to a family event and have to look at the woman you cuckholded.

It's not fair on you but your brother has made his choices and now everyone else has to pay as well.

Going forward you might want to decide, if you are holding a function, which person you want there more as its likely this issue will rear its head over and over.

fits

You can't uninvite his ex wife and the family now. So you'll just have to accept your brother is not coming and leave it at that. It is very soon after the split to be honest and its probably just as well if they wont be comfortable there.

leewarden

It is very difficult for you but you were right to ask her. Your sister in law does not stop being a member of your family just because your brother does not want to be with her any longer.

I am just curious on one point. You said you originally told your brother you would not ask her. did he at that point say he would only go if she wouldn't be there?

LegacyUser

leewarden wrote: »

It is very difficult for you but you were right to ask her. Your sister in law does not stop being a member of your family just because your brother does not want to be with her any longer.

I am just curious on one point. You said you originally told your brother you would not ask her. did he at that point say he would only go if she wouldn't be there?

no he said it was up to me, I then feel so bad and changed my mind and invited her. Then I got a phone call calling me all the names under the sun and stating that I choose his ex over him.

Big Bag of Chips

You have obviously been friends with her for a very long time, and you shouldn't be expected to drop that friendship just because he is no longer with her.

It IS uncomfortable, of course it is. But it is up to them how they deal with that. His ex has decided she would like to go to the wedding, I presume? So she is obviously, probably for your sake, willing to grin and bear it so that your day goes well, and you have the people there that you want to be there.

He on the other hand is choosing NOT to deal with it by staying away. That's his choice, but rather than face up to the fact that he might be a bit at fault for the current situation, he is preferring to blame you.

If she is your friend, then I don't think you were wrong to invite her. She would have been in her rights to decline the invitation, because of any awkwardness it may cause.

You'd like to hope your brother could put aside his own awkwardness for your sake, but if he can't.. that is equally his right.

While it's nice to have certain people with us on our 'big day', it's not always possible. The important people on the day are you, the couple. Nothing and nobody should overshadow that.

If your brother can't put aside his problems for you for one day it means that HE is the one choosing one thing, over something else, not you.

Forget about it now. It is only taking your focus off the most important thing about the day. You can't control anybody else's actions. You just need to be happy with your own choices, and let others deal with theirs.

username123

Theres nothing you can do about it. You did the right thing inviting both of them. Your brothers ex wife is still a member of the family and naturally if her children will be there you would expect her to be there.

Your brother, rightly or wrongly, left his wife and began a new family - if he is unable to put aside his own feelings for the day to celebrate his sisters wedding that is his own issue.

You just go ahead and enjoy your day.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for such nice replies. This has been weighing heavily on me. I'm very close to my brother and feel sad he won't be there. I know the day is about me and my partner but I will notice him missing. I know there is nothing I can do at this stage. I was hoping he'd come around but I guess I'll just give up on that hope.
He said that I am depriving him of seeing his daughters as flower girls because he can't go.
I feel really guilty about that part Also the new partner is mad at me and therefore not bringing my other nephew

They just cannot understand it from my point of view. They felt like my wedding was a chance to get them accepted as a new couple by my family and they just didn't want the ex there for it but for my family and me, we still love and care so much for his ex! My brother wants us to choose him or the ex! I want both in my life!

CaraMay

Well he needs to learn that he can't just drop people out of his life as and when it suits him. He has a family with his ex and she is still your family too. The new gf has no place stoking the fire. You really should not be the one feeling guilty here.

username123

brotherproblems wrote: »

He said that I am depriving him of seeing his daughters as flower girls because he can't go.
I feel really guilty about that part Also the new partner is mad at me and therefore not bringing my other nephew

He is depriving himself of seeing his daughters as flower girls. Not you.

He has made his choice and he has to live with the consequences of that decision. You havent done anything wrong.

EvanCornwallis

If your brother doesn't grow up and realise the day isn't about him or his ex wife, then you can't do much I'm afraid.

Fresh Pots

Tell to grow a pair and get over himself. It's up to you who you invite to your wedding.

Starokan

He could easily go and he should. If his new partner feels that uncomfortable (which I understand) then she could opt out and let him go himself even just to the church part.

If he did not want you to invite his ex he should have expressed that and not said its up to you.

strandroad

You've done the right thing OP, you invited your nieces/nephews with their mother, if your brother and his new family can't be civilised around them it's their fault entirely. Your brother sounds nasty is he's trying to guilt trip you over this. It's his choice and no one elses.

LegacyUser

by telling you you're depriving him of anything he's trying to bully and guilt you into un-inviting his ex and his kids. that's NOT reasonable or mature behaviour. if he was mature enough to leave his wife and move in with someone else he should be mature enough to minimize the impact that has on the plans of other people in his life - like you and your fiancee, and his kids.

if i were in your shoes i'd tell him exactly that. that he's being immature by choosing not to go and creating a big unecessary drama. but it sounds like this is being driven more so by his new partner, who really, has no right to be mad with ANYONE! how childish! i hope you and your partner have a lovely day though, regardless of who does or doesn't go. x

LegacyUser

Your brother is incredibly selfish. I don't know how you can stand him. Calling you names? Unacceptable.

You have done the right thing. Don't allow your brother and his new partner's pig-headed selfishness ruin your special day.

I really am stunned by his behaviour.

leewarden

username123 wrote: »

He is depriving himself of seeing his daughters as flower girls. Not you.

He has made his choice and he has to live with the consequences of that decision. You havent done anything wrong.

+ 1 on that

RossFixxxed

I'm sorry about the situation OP. I have a simple rule, if someones says "I'm not going if X goes", then that person isn't getting invited in the first place, and X can happily come along.

It's immature, childish and it's just petty. It sucks for you, but it is NOT your fault.

wallycharlo

Starokan wrote: »

He could easily go and he should. If his new partner feels that uncomfortable (which I understand) then she could opt out and let him go himself even just to the church part..

+1

He could certainly go on his own.

leewarden

And it's not just a wedding, it's his sister's wedding.

Whatever his discomfort or worry that has to take second place to being there for his sister.

miamee

Starokan wrote: »

He could easily go and he should. If his new partner feels that uncomfortable (which I understand) then she could opt out and let him go himself even just to the church part.

If he did not want you to invite his ex he should have expressed that and not said its up to you.

Exactly. There is really no reason that he could not come along even with his son, leave the new partner at home if she feels awkward about the whole thing. He'd get to see you be married, his daughters as flower girls and share in a family occasion.

Either he is depriving himself of this opportunity or his new partner has deprived him of it by laying down an ultimatum - if she is going, I'm not. If everyone else can be mature enough to accept the new partner there as well as the ex and you were good enough to invite them all, I don't see what his problem is with showing up?

strandroad

brotherproblems wrote: »

He said that I am depriving him of seeing his daughters as flower girls because he can't go.

Sorry, this bit jumped at me. His daughters are his children from marriage number 1, am I correct? So he wanted you to invite them (so that he can be proud of them as flower girls), but drop their mother? What a gent! Really, let them stew OP. They are the ones in the wrong, 100%.

P. Breathnach

OP, I agree with the consensus here that your brother is wrong. But he is still your brother and I am sure that you still love him, and he will continue to be your brother when you are married.

You are entitled to feel some hurt and anger, but do you want to escalate his bad behaviour into the basis of a permanent rift?

wyrn

OP remind your brother that it was him who left his wife, not you. Why should you loose a friendship because of him. Obviously his ex-wife is the more mature person and hasn't issued an ultimatium. I'm sure she's greatful that she hasn't lost you as well.

Tell your brother that he can see his daughters as a flower girls and that the only person who has a probelm is him. You had every right to invite your sister in law to your wedding. Please don't feel guilty. I really hopes it all works out and that you'll have a fab day no matter what.

(Hazzarding a guess, I bet it's the new girlfriend who has the issue and not your brother)

omega666

I have to say i think you made the wrong decision.
I think I would be furious as well if my own sister after discussing it and telling me she wasnt going to invite my ex and then doing the complete opposite.

How could you possibly think it was a good idea to invite both parties?!?
Someone was always going to lose out and you put your brother in a position where he had no choice but to decline. You must have known this.

If it was my decision i know I would put my own sibling’s feelings first and foremost and I would hope they would do the same.

username123

omega666 wrote: »

’s feelings first and foremost and I would hope they would do the same.

Bit immature no?
Just because a person breaks up with someone, that doesnt mean that their ex should be shunned by the entire family.

omega666

username123 wrote: »

Bit immature no?
Just because a person breaks up with someone, that doesnt mean that their ex should be shunned by the entire family.

it's a bit immature to persume that family count's first and foremost? how so?

Well the result is that her brother new partner is prob feeling like she is being shunned.

LegacyUser

Your brother and his partner are being ridiculous. My first thought is his children will have a rough life if they will be made choose between him or their mum into their future. He has kids with his ex wife and so there are going to be lots of occasions in his children's lives where he will have to socialize with his ex wife. So why not start that now?

I would have thought it would be his ex-wife who would not want to attend if he and his new partner were there -given that he left her for that other woman- and yet his ex-wife has the decency to put any ill feeling or nerves aside and attend your day. In my eyes that is a proper friend.

I would talk to your brother. Say you are so very disappointed he cannot make it and that your intention was never to fall out with him or his new family and they will all be missed on the occasion and leave it at that. It is his choice not to attend so don't feel guilty.

On an entirely side note, I hope that you have a lovely day!

username123

omega666 wrote: »

it's a bit immature to persume that family count's first and foremost? how so?

Of course. The OP also has a relationship with the ex wife and the children - as well as a relationship with her brother. The ex wife and children are also family to the OP. The OP didnt create the current situation so why should she have to choose between people over someone elses actions?

omega666 wrote: »

Well the result is that her brother new partner is prob feeling like she is being shunned.

Why? They were invited.

jdsk2006

Most ridiculous. Op just tell your brother and girlfriend your very sorry they feel that way and it's a shame they cant join ye. Leave it at that and focus on yourself. I cannot believe that he expected the mother of his kids to stand back from such a special day in their lives......wild horses wouldn't hold me from seeing my daughter in her flower girl role.
I'd hazard a guess that you may find your relationship with your brother a lot different from now on

Neyite

Your brother wants to gloss over the fact he left his wife and family, and by presenting his girlfriend as his new partner its like he is making a statement that he is serious about her. Grand. But your wedding is not the day for him to grandstand and have the whole ballroom of relations more interested in checking out the Homewrecking Other Woman and gossiping about it instead of celebrating your day.

He can invite them all to a christening/naming ceremony for his baby if he wants to show off his new partner and family.

He sounds like a dick by the way. He upends his family, leaves his wife and kids reeling. In no time at all they have a step-mother and a step-sibling, and he expects that you all disown the woman who he tossed to one side for someone you barely know? iHe is not seeing the big picture here. Separation can get messy and vindictive very easily and traditionally its the men that are vulnerable to getting the short end of the stick in the separation.

His wife is acting with grace and dignity here, and its to her credit that she is encouraging her children to maintain relationships with their fathers family when she could just as easily be bitter and not letting grandparents or aunts/uncles see them.

Let him off. Explain that if he cannot attend for his childrens sake, and behave amicably with his ex wife present, then its best he does not attend. And mention that you dont want your day, that you have spent a fortune on, derailed by his train-wreck of a personal life.

Incidentally, do your parents/other siblings have an opinion on this situation?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your response. Some were really lovely. I was feeling very guilty and miserable and now I see I'm not the only one who would do this in a situation so I don't feel so bad. My family agree that my brothers ex should be invited. She is great friends with our family and a great mother and we all love her. To be honest after 14years she is family. The breakup came out of the blue for her. My brother feels that his ex has taken his family from him. He wants us to cut all relationships with her. None of us agree or will do this and that results in my brother being very angry and ignoring us. Although my brother felt we were the closet out of the whole family and I think he really believed I would not invite her. I always wanted to invite her and that's why I did. When I said to my brother I wouldn't it was because I felt bullied into saying that! Anyway my sister in law is coming to the wedding with her kids and my brother isn't. I feel sad but always reassured that I made the right decision. What kind of person would I be if I cut her out? She is already heartbroken and she doesn't need to be dropped by me too. Also she is being the bigger person in this whole situation and never says one bad words against my brother. EVER!

username123

Dont feel bad over any of it - unfortunately your brother has put you into a horrible position where you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

Youve done the right thing, the ideal solution here is not that you have to uninvite someone you care about but that your brother displays some maturity. And you have no control over that.

I hope you have a lovely wedding.

CaraMay

Well done op. Now just relax and enjoy your big day.

LegacyUser

brotherproblems wrote: »

T........... she is being the bigger person in this whole situation and never says one bad words against my brother. EVER!

Next time you see him, that is the only sentence you need to say to him!

Well done. Have a lovely day and a long, happy, fruitful marriage.

leewarden

I echo the sentiments of others here. Remember now this day is about you and your future husband. It is not your family's day, it is yours. Enjoy it.

I wish you both the best of luck