New colleague keeps texting.

LegacyUser

So, I started working on a new contract in a new company last month. The team is small and I work with one other permanent member of staff. She is a friendly lady, similar age to me, early 30s. During my first week, she asked me for my mobile number, so she could contact me if there was an emergency relating to work or such. I generally avoid giving out my mobile number, as I only have one phone but the boss above us said it was standard practice in the company. So I gave her my number.

Anyway, as the weeks have passed she is texting me more and more. Initially, it was work related stuff (non-emergency), eg: I have an idea about this and that we should look at tomorrow and I replied out of courtesy. However over the past week or two, I am getting texts about anything and everything from "switch on TV3 now", to "watching a Take That concert online, Million Love Songs is my favourite song of all time. So romantic ....".

My other half has been noticing the increasing amount of texts. Last Saturday night, we had a quiet night in but the texts kept coming, about 15 or so from 8pm til midnight. I stopped responding after the first 5 and switched off my phone. My OH told me to tell her to f' off, half joking I thought!

Anyway, last night I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed, my phone was beside the bed and my other half was in the bed. I had received 6 or so texts and had only responded to one. Next, I got a text wishing me a good night's sleep and 'talk tomorrow '. This is the first time this has happened. Anyway, my OH read the text and went mental. She is normally very measured but she asked me if there was something going on *. She then told me to sort this out or she will ring her and do it.

So, how do I go about sorting this out? If I tell my work colleague, it could (probably will) lead to a very difficult working relationship for the next 10 plus months. If I tell the boss, it will have the same effect, possibly worse. I asked my best mate and he advised me to either (a) switch off my phone when my OH is around and pretend that the texts have stopped or (b) get a second phone and give my work colleague that number and never bring my main mobile to work, which isn't very realistic. I am definitely not doing (a)!

* My OH apologized for this later on. I totally adore my OH and would never dream of cheating on her. She knows how much she means to me.

RossFixxxed

STOP REPLYING!

If you have to reply to something about take that then ask "why are you texting met this" and then STOP REPLYING. You are not in the wrong, but you are feeding it a little.

Personally, I'd just ask outright why she is texting me this crap, and tell her my OH isn't happy nor am I. It is your number and if it is strictly an emergency that's fine otherwise you don't want texts.

Alternatively block her number.

DO NOT lie to your OH about it. Keep it open and transparent.

username123

Just tell your work colleague to stop bloody texting you unless it is work related as it is inappropriate and unwanted behaviour!

So what if things are a bit cool afterwards? You go there to work, not be best buddies.

Id tell her, and Id be sure to say it in front of the boss. You are not in the wrong here.

Call a meeting with her and the boss. Explain you want to say something with a witness so no accusation of bullying comes from the person. State you gave your phone number for work related stuff only and the person has abused this and is constantly and inappropriately texting and you are extremely uncomfortable about this situation. Ask her to cease and desist immediately and not to text you unless work emergency which is why you gave the number in the first place.

MissFlitworth

I'd tell her that if there's a work emergency to please call you as you don't check your phone for text messages in the evening and if it isn't in fact a work emergency to speak to you when you're in work instead of texting or calling you. As mentioned, don't reply to any texts from her. I wouldn't be heavy handed in the beginning because if possible you'd like to maintain a friendly working relationship. If she keeps it up then it's not your problem to deal with anymore, go over her head to your boss (or HR) and tell them what's happening and get them to step in. If you need to be contactable outside of work they should be giving you a work phone that you can confine people to so it isn't leaking in to your personal life

ash23

I'd just say that you aren't big into texting and when you're off the clock you'd prefer not to be getting loads of texts unless it's a proper work emergency.

I wouldn't necessarily say to this person that your partner has a problem with it. You aren't happy about the texting so I'd leave the rest of it out of the conversation.

Taltos

While agree with above you have to tackle this head on and in front of witnesses I would be less inclined to do it so formally. Maybe next time you are around the lunch table maybe just make a general statement asking folk not to contact you outside of work unless it is a work emergency. No need to go into specifics but get it out there. Maybe the canteen isn't such a good idea, maybe instead use the next staff meeting without going into specifics. Just flag that as it's your personal number it is for family OR work emergencies and you would just like to remind everyone to respect that.

Then if it re-occurs you should approach your manager and co-worker and voice your issue with this.

Going directly to your manager might reflect worse on you in this instance for not being able to deal with the issue yourself, especially as it is contract work.

username123

Taltos wrote: »

No need to go into specifics but get it out there. Maybe the canteen isn't such a good idea, maybe instead use the next staff meeting without going into specifics.

While I understand that this may help avoid a direct confrontation, my personal experience with these kind of boundary pushing eejits is that you need to be up front and totally clear. Otherwise she will just not take in, assume its not directed at her or otherwise ignore a generalised warning.

If this person was a big enough muppet to start into that kind of texting within weeks then they probably need it spelled out.

Of course I havent seen what or how the OP replied - he may well have been encouraging it, but was certainly feeding it by replying at all.

Zen65

There's a fine line between making you feel welcome in your new role and being borderline obsessive. This lady may have crossed that line, but is probably unaware that she has done so.

As with others, I'd say that if you simply don't reply she will stop texting, eventually. You could simply say to her that you're not really a texter, and that you prefer to keep your personal time for your wife / family life. There should be no reason to be rude about it, just be as matter-of-fact about your preferences as you can be. Escalating this to your manager at an early stage could reflect badly on you, after all, you're an adult and the company would expect you to have taken reasonable steps to deal with this social situation yourself (after all, this is all after hours).

Be at peace,

Z

Chucky the tree

I wouldn't confront her in front of the boss. I think you will look bad. If I was the boss I'd expect you to try deal with it yourself first, I'm not sure I'd have a positive opinion of a worker running to me at the first sign of trouble. Opinions on that could be different though so hard to know really. I'd just say it to her. I'd also make sure that you keep all her texts and don't delete them, even try saved them onto another sim card if that's possible. If she does accuse you of bullying you have the texts so then she won't have much of a leg to stand on.

mygoat

Does your co-worker know you are in a relationship, OP? She behaves like someone who thinks she is with a chance for something less work related to develop between the two of you.

If it was me, I would make sure to be kind but to the point with her. And quite frankly, whether it's right or not-so-right, I would blame it all on my other half I'd say something like this, in a "by the way but a bit concerned" sort of a way: "Co-worker, can I mention something to you... it happened a few times at this stage, that I had a lovely (feel free to use some more manly descriptions here), intimate evening with my other half when you texted me a good few times. Let me tell you, my other half was not happy about that. Let's get back to what we agreed when I gave you my phone number, to only use it for work-related emergencies, is that ok?" I'd say you could even text it to her so you have it in writing, just in case you ever need it.

This way, she will know that you are in a relationship, which you are clearly invested in, and let's face it, blaming it on your other half (and you won't be saying anything that is not true, either!) is a very safe way to somewhat indirectly let her know that the personal texts are not ok.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies and I will try to address this openly at our Monday morning team meeting. I totally agree with trying to resolve this without going down the official channels.

I really like this company, genuinely lovely people, and I know from conversations with the boss that the opportunity is there for 3-4 years contract work for me, which would be a fantastic comfort to have. The only thing is that the announcement is going to be awkward as I don't really interact with 8 of the other 10 people that are in the meeting but I will see how it goes and report back.

Also, I have been completely open with my OH about this. She has seen a fair few of the responses that I have sent.

username123 wrote: »

Of course I havent seen what or how the OP replied - he may well have been encouraging it, but was certainly feeding it by replying at all.

On the above, my responses were very short, one liners at most and even a simple 'OK' on many occasions. I have tried my best not to encourage her whilst not being rude.

LegacyUser

Also, my co-worker knows I am in a relationship. I have a photo of my OH on my desk. She picked up the photo when she first saw it, commented that my OH is pretty and proceeded to fire twenty questions at me about her at lunch time. Another staff member at the table actually told her to give it up!

maria34

I have the same question, does she know you as a single man? Well women are strange creatures, they may like a man and if that man answers (texts back) then wohoooo :-)))

Merkin

I don't think you should call a meeting with the boss but I do think you need to leave this girl is no uncertain terms that you're not happy about it. I find people with such low EQ need to have it spelled out to them so subtle hints and excuses about not liking texts (she'll just start phoning otherwise :rolleyes:) most probably won't work.

Tell her that you value your quality time with your girlfriend and that the flurry of evening texts are both disruptive and annoying. Tell her to email you with anything that needs addressing DURING WORKING HOURS ONLY and that only in a dire emergency (building on fire) should she contact you.

Her boundaries are way off centre and if you're not firm and put your foot down now it will only get worse. If she doesn't listen to you I'd then take it up with the boss immediately as goodness only knows whether she has a history of doing this kind of bat-sh1t crazy stuff to your predecessors too. Either way, I'd address this sooner rather than later and in the meantime don't answer any more of her texts ever again.

RossFixxxed

Screw any though of awkwardness, this is a professional situation. You are both paid to be there and work professionally. She's overstepping the boundaries by a mile. Tell her to stop. Do it now and don't drag this out.

Faith

I'd text her back the next time she texts and say something like "Hi X, not to be rude but this is my personal number. I'd appreciate it if you only use it to contact me for work-related emergencies, as I like to switch off when I go home and just enjoy my evenings with my partner with no disturbances. See you Monday, [name]".

She's out of line, and it does sound like she thinks she's in with a chance with you.

Neyite

Faith wrote: »

I'd text her back the next time she texts and say something like "Hi X, not to be rude but this is my personal number. I'd appreciate it if you only use it to contact me for work-related emergencies, as I like to switch off when I go home and just enjoy my evenings with my partner with no disturbances. See you Monday, [name]".

She's out of line, and it does sound like she thinks she's in with a chance with you.

I think that this is the most straightforward and best way of handling it. Its clear, polite, and professional. It also does not involve the boss (and if she did go to the boss with a message like that, I'd imagine that they would be hard pushed to find fault with it)

Going to the boss has its merits, but you dont know the lie of the land in the office politics yet, and you dont know how this might influence your future chances, so I'd go with Faiths wording.

Starokan

I definitely would not say anything in front of the boss or colleagues, it's not necessary to humiliate her ; just don't respond and she will get the hint quick enough

If she does not ask her once to stop and if she does not then escalate it. Bringing it up at a meeting seems like an over reaction to me and I think you could look a little silly if you do it that way

m'lady

Totally agree with what others have said about not bringing it up at a meeting- really will make you look like your unable to deal with issues without involving management.
I think faiths advice was spot on,and I would definitely put it in a text so you have covered yourself. In fairness to this woman she is possibly just being friendly, but has really gone ott, she could be lonely/have a thing for you or whatever but that's really not your problem, just don't embarrass her more than necessary?

Ando's Saggy Bottom

This is the best first step IMO. You'll have a written record of having politely and reasonably asked her to stop and if it continues the next step would be to politely ask her in person. If that doesn't work you can then take it higher.

Neyite wrote: »

I think that this is the most straightforward and best way of handling it. Its clear, polite, and professional. It also does not involve the boss (and if she did go to the boss with a message like that, I'd imagine that they would be hard pushed to find fault with it)

Going to the boss has its merits, but you dont know the lie of the land in the office politics yet, and you dont know how this might influence your future chances, so I'd go with Faiths wording.

I would stop asking your friend for advice for a start!!!!!get another phone....jees!!!
I'd say you have been too nice to this woman and she is trying to create something. I would just politely say to her that if there's an emergency in work then send a text or call but that there's no need to be texting outside of that. I wouldn't bring your boss into it. She might be a bit odd for a day or two but it will b grand then! Casually say it so that your not making it into a big deal. If she keeps texting, do not reply, then I would take it further
It's very strange to be sending all these texts, there's a few guys in work that I would text outside of work but it's only ever about work, like a bit of scandal or giving them the heads up on something or other so they wouldn't be landed in it
Tis all very strange thou....texting bout a take that concert!!!

Bluefox21

Surely you can just carry on as normal? Your oh should clearly be able to tell that nothing is going on. Why make things awkward by turning it into an issue?

Minor inconvenience imo!

rainbowtrout

Bluefox21 wrote: »

Surely you can just carry on as normal? Your oh should clearly be able to tell that nothing is going on. Why make things awkward by turning it into an issue?

Minor inconvenience imo!

Because it's a pain in the arse getting endless texts from someone you don't want to get texts from, especially if there's a chance this woman is interested in him. And if he doesn't cut her off now, she may think it's OK and continue and it's annoying him and his OH.

Faith's idea is probably the best way to go.

blacklilly

Hi OP,

Don't envy the position you're in. This women definitely sounds obsessive and is causing tension in your relationship with your partner, who you adore.
I think Faiths advice is spot on. This women is a work colleague, she is not your friend, nor do you have to be friends with her. Once you are professional in work and do not let this effect your work that is the most important thing. Don't let her control this any longer. Take control back and take Faiths advice.

LegacyUser

Just a quick post to let you know that I followed Faith's advice and sent that text last night. Got a response straight after, saying 'No probs, hope all is ok. Talk Monday'. Fingers crossed this will work out as well as that response sounds.

Merkin

Fair play, hopefully she will get the message now!!

tinkerbell

Good job OP. It does sound like she was interested in you - who texts their new colleague or ANY colleague at that about romantic Take That songs? She sounds like a bit of a nutter tbh.

You did the right thing to nip this in the bud now before she gets any more ideas.

LegacyUser

Just a quick update on this issue.

First thing last Monday morning, the colleague in question approached me checking whether everything was ok, after my text about receiving work texts only. I replied that all was fine and that I just preferred to switch out of 'office mode' when I go home. At this point, she twigged that my text related to texts from that point onwards, and not just texts last weekend.

Anyway, she has been distant this past week, no offers of cups of tea, lunch invites or general conversation at all. She barely even says 'hello' or 'goodbye'. Things are purely business (professional mode) now. She is obviously upset, well according to my OH, but I think it was an important thing to nail down.

Finally, I just want to take the chance to thank you all. Your opinions and advice have helped me through what could have turned out to be a very tricky situation.

Many thanks.

WorkColleagueCasuingIssueAtHome

WorkColleagueCasuingIssueAtHome wrote: »

Just a quick update on this issue.

First thing last Monday morning, the colleague in question approached me checking whether everything was ok, after my text about receiving work texts only. I replied that all was fine and that I just preferred to switch out of 'office mode' when I go home. At this point, she twigged that my text related to texts from that point onwards, and not just texts last weekend.

Anyway, she has been distant this past week, no offers of cups of tea, lunch invites or general conversation at all. She barely even says 'hello' or 'goodbye'. Things are purely business (professional mode) now. She is obviously upset, well according to my OH, but I think it was an important thing to nail down.

Finally, I just want to take the chance to thank you all. Your opinions and advice have helped me through what could have turned out to be a very tricky situation.

Many thanks.

Can I just saw what a gent you are and very respectful of both your OH plus the texter. Another guy would have have lapped up the attention and strung along the other texter.
You have restored my faith in men!!

padz

Chelsea High Ginseng wrote: »

Can I just saw what a gent you are and very respectful of both your OH plus the texter. Another guy would have have lapped up the attention and strung along the other texter.
You have restored my faith in men!!

bit of a generalisation on men there, if i may do likewise i was thinking if the roles were reversed with a man txtin a woman in this way things would have esculated rather quickly with the boss being informed

glad it reslolved amicably for you op

doughef

Chelsea High Ginseng wrote: »

Can I just saw what a gent you are and very respectful of both your OH plus the texter. Another guy would have have lapped up the attention and strung along the other texter.
You have restored my faith in men!!

your in there OP!!!

doughef

doughef wrote: »

your in there OP!!!

Ya what's your fone number by the way....I was at a great boyzone concert there at the weekend!!!

Taltos

And with that stunningly observant post it is time to close this thread rather than issue an infraction/ban.

Well done OP. If you need this thread re-opened please feel free to contact any of the mods in strictest confidence.

Taltos