Think drink is ruining my life.

beckett85

Hi lads, been lurking on here a long time and this will probably turn into a bit of a ramble so apologies in advance! Well, where do I start?

I had a fair few personal problems growing up and have always abused substances(managed to kick that since leaving Ireland for Asia) and alcohol, but recently I think I have reached breaking point.

I'm a 28 year old male living in Seoul,South Korea for a few years. I've always had problems with booze and have anxiety (probably depression ) issues and can't relax when I'm out(Even with my 'friends'- Don't know if many of you have lived overseas but the 'ex-pat' scene is usually littered with alcoholics ). I use alcohol as a crutch to combat my anxiety, I guzzle pints, skull whiskeys and slam jagers etc to feel comfortable and am full of life/laughs, that lasts for a few hours until I'm completely smashed drunk. I can count on 1 hand the last time I remembered coming home in about 3 years. If I remember the taxi home it's a success for me. I rarely go out during the week but once the weekend hits its game over.I usually go out Friday, get smashed somehow make it home or crash somewhere for a couple of hours, wake up , grab a beer and go straight out on the piss again. Rinse and repeat again for a super Sunday. Usually crawl in Monday morning around 3am,sleep for a few hours and up at 730am for work, go into work like a zombie. Cue the horrors and depression till around Wednesday. Same **** the next weekend.

Seoul is a 24 hour city and it's easily possible to drink straight through from Friday - Monday morning, all week actually, if you want. Been on numerous 72 hour benders (grab a couple hours kip in a bar, alcoholism is tolerated so much here you basically never get thrown out of a bar unless you're fighting). Me and lads all laugh about it on Monday, but it's really damaging my mental and physical state. I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself and I guess my mates are too, but no one wants to talk about it.

I've distanced myself from my family and avoid their Skype calls, I've ruined relationships with so many girls here because of it.Especially the last girl- stunning, smart and funny who was going to move to Ireland with me, probably better she didn't. I allegedly can become very verbally (Never physically) abusive to friends, strangers and girlfriends when I get in this state. Needless to say I've had various run ins with law, I've woke up in dubious girly bars with my credit cards rinsed not knowing how I've got there. I've had the **** kicked out of me by yakuza in Tokyo, crashed a moped in Vietnam nearly killing myself and a mate, been shaken down by crooked cops in Thailand after stupidly trying to buy drugs, woke up in hospital in the Philippines and numerous other shameful incidences in random countries.A few weeks ago I lost the guts of my savings here (about 12grand) at the casino in the midst of another brutal bender.

Perversely, I laughed it off. I felt kind of free afterwards. I knew I'd hit rock bottom- broke, girlfriendless, and miserable in a city I had grown to loathe, with nothing to show for after 3 years here.

Last week was the worst after another horrific bender, I came home from work everyday and just climbed into bed, on the verge of a nervous break down. I thought about my life and was almost in tears. If there was a button I could press that would have ended my life I would have stomped on it. I feel like I've lost the run of myself completely and all I see is a cul-de-sac of misery and despair ahead of me. I'm leaving this country soon and not sure what my next move is. My prospects back home seems grim and I feel as directionless as a plastic bag in a gale storm.

Luckily,I get a nice lump sum when I leave Korea in November, I think I'm going to go to one of those detox places in Thailand and then go to a muay thai camp for a couple of months and try to clear my head and get fit and gain some confidence back.

Anyway, I have to go to a mates birthday tonight(Always something isn't there?). Hopefully I can try show some discipline and make it home in decent shape. I already told him I'm not having a mad one.

Sorry for the rant I have no one here to talk to and can't go to a doctor or seek professional help due to the language barrier.

If anyone has any advice for me I would greatly appreciate it. Especially in dealing with my friends and trying to explain to them I can't do this anymore. I should add that its really hard to chill in without a bird in Korea. Apartments are glorified shoeboxes and the telly is all Korean. I don't even have a sofa in my gaff. Sometimes the only option feels like the pub unless I completely isolate myself which is no fun.

Anyway thanks for reading, apologies for the spiel it probably reads like a drunken ramble!

Best regards,
Beckett

K.Flyer

The first part (step) in dealing with this is your acknowledgement that you need help to deal with it.
You need to try to remove yourself from the "scene" and you need a support system to help you through it.
You need to to talk with someone, it can be anyone, but you need someone who knows what its like to have gone through what you have been going through and you need some support, especially from your friends and family.
But you can get through it, you will get through it, but just take it easy on yourself, it will be one day at a time.

PM sent.

[-0-]

I highly recommend one of those detox places. A guy I know went there and wrote a book about his experience. He was the same as you, and ended up turning his life around, finding a girl and having a kid.

If he can do it, you can too!

The name of the place he went was thamkrabok - http://www.thamkrabok.net

This is his book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dead-Drunk-Paul-Garrigan/dp/1905379692

I hope this helps you friend!

HIB

Well done for posting... it takes guts to even write all that down, and I'm sure it resonates with a lot of people who've been down that road.

I agree totally with KFlyer. Try to find someone you can talk honestly to. If you're not comfortable talking to someone you know, you might consider AA. They do have a branch in Seoul http://aainkorea.org/4meetings/4.1seoul.html. You'll figure out what works best for you - maybe it's AA, maybe Thailand, maybe just talking to family or friends.

Either way, I'm sure you'll get through this. This is just one chapter in your life. There'll be other, better ones.

beckett85

Thanks for all the advice and everything lads. I promised to update this post honestly and unfortunately I'm in the midst of another bender. I'm currently outside a gs mart(basically a spar) supping beers , it was a mates birthday and unfortunately it all ended In tears, I have no discipline and feel like a ****, hopefully I can turn this around ,I'd say I'm on it for the weekend now, thanks for all ur advice and support

Sunnyisland

I am not being smart beckett 85, But nothing changes if nothing changes,You know you must stop your lifestyle,you have been given good advice above and its now up to you and only you what you are going to do about it and when.

Wish you all the best as I know only to well the pain & hurt one must go through to break out of the self destructive lifestyle you are now having,but it can be done and many have done it,good luck and no matter what keep posting here and sharing whats going on in your struggle,A lot of us here can relate.

beckett85

Almost 2 am here in Seoul , hope you're all keeping well, been on it all weekend another disaster of a weekend , I will beat this thanks for all you're kind messages and support

realies

realies wrote: »

I am not being smart beckett 85, But nothing changes if nothing changes,You know you must stop your lifestyle,you have been given good advice above and its now up to you and only you what you are going to do about it and when.

Wish you all the best as I know only to well the pain & hurt one must go through to break out of the self destructive lifestyle you are now having,but it can be done and many have done it,good luck and no matter what keep posting here and sharing whats going on in your struggle,A lot of us here can relate.

I echo this.

For people that suffered with anxiety and other issues growing up drink is an escape to "normality" . I was so down in myself back in my early teens growing up in a home were drink was everywhere/everything that the chances are if I didn't start drinking I might not be here right now, even though prior to that I hated it watching what it did to both my parents. It got me through a lot for years but like you OP it turned on me in the end.

This is the hard part but it is unbelievably worth it. You have to accept yourself that you have a problem with drink, the next thing is to start talking to people with similar problems(AA or other support groups/treatments mentioned above) or people who can understand your problems(counselors etc). You need to be really strong and you have to be determined to change yourself from the inside out. This forum offers a lot of support and has been great for me but you need to find someone to talk to face to face too. You'll go mad otherwise and you'll be back on a bar stool within a few days/hours. Remember you're doing this for you so it's time to stop giving a **** about what others think. From my experience my so called friends who I drank with couldn't give two ****s about me, the real people that did stuck around and supported my decision two years ago to stop drinking. I could go on for pages with everything that getting sober has given me but the most important thing is I don't hate myself today & I don't have those suicidal thoughts you're having at all anymore. I love life now for the first time since I can remember(maybe ever).

So good luck with your journey and if you need any advice you can PM, I'll do my best. To quote trainspotting "Choose Life"

Craig

I am pie

Leave work next Friday and head for the train station, get yourself off somewhere quiet for the weekend. Get away from temptation and give yourself the chance to make a break.

Clear your head and break the cycle, sit down and take a good honest look at yourself. You need to understand yourself and be completely honest with what you want out of life.

Phone your family, speak honestly to them about your situation.

beckett85

Thanks guys for all the messages I just thought I'd update this thread.

After the disaster of last weekend I was a wreck Monday/Tuesday, really depressed and anxious and unable to sleep. I woke up early and went for a swim wednesday morning(6am) before work and hit the gym after work for a couple of hours,same on Thursday.In work now on Friday and swam another 50 lengths this morning before work, hitting the gym after work aswell. Been eating really well these past few days (boiled chicken / veg / brown rice etc). When I don't drink I have a really good ethic to work/exercise/eating. Feeling great going into this weekend planning the same gym and swim routine everyday through the weekend. Just going to the movies and gonna have an Indian over the weekend.

One thing that bothers me though even with all this exercise I still have trouble sleeping at night. I'm constantly anxious over things I've done in the past and what the future holds for me.It was 2:30 last night annd I was still awake. I also notice I have had some red rashes on my body that I think are stress related. I'm thinking of seeing if I can get some sleeping tablets.

Feeling positive at the minute so hope I can keep it going for a while. Tbh the thought of never drinking again terrfiies me, I don't know if I can do it. I just wish I could learn to have a few every noew and then and show some restraint.

Also, I've cut my time in Korea short and am going to Thailand in early Septemeber and have booked into a Muay thai camp for 2months(will possibly extend this to 3). Looking forward to that.

Anyway have a good (dry!!) weekend lads.

[-0-]

beckett85 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all the messages I just thought I'd update this thread.

After the disaster of last weekend I was a wreck Monday/Tuesday, really depressed and anxious and unable to sleep. I woke up early and went for a swim wednesday morning(6am) before work and hit the gym after work for a couple of hours,same on Thursday.In work now on Friday and swam another 50 lengths this morning before work, hitting the gym after work aswell. Been eating really well these past few days (boiled chicken / veg / brown rice etc). When I don't drink I have a really good ethic to work/exercise/eating. Feeling great going into this weekend planning the same gym and swim routine everyday through the weekend. Just going to the movies and gonna have an Indian over the weekend.

One thing that bothers me though even with all this exercise I still have trouble sleeping at night. I'm constantly anxious over things I've done in the past and what the future holds for me.It was 2:30 last night annd I was still awake. I also notice I have had some red rashes on my body that I think are stress related. I'm thinking of seeing if I can get some sleeping tablets.

Feeling positive at the minute so hope I can keep it going for a while. Tbh the thought of never drinking again terrfiies me, I don't know if I can do it. I just wish I could learn to have a few every noew and then and show some restraint.

Also, I've cut my time in Korea short and am going to Thailand in early Septemeber and have booked into a Muay thai camp for 2months(will possibly extend this to 3). Looking forward to that.

Anyway have a good (dry!!) weekend lads.

Do read the book I recommended, and consider visiting the center in Thailand when you are there as well. It will help.

I am pie

beckett85 wrote: »

Thanks guys for all the messages I just thought I'd update this thread.

After the disaster of last weekend I was a wreck Monday/Tuesday, really depressed and anxious and unable to sleep. I woke up early and went for a swim wednesday morning(6am) before work and hit the gym after work for a couple of hours,same on Thursday.In work now on Friday and swam another 50 lengths this morning before work, hitting the gym after work aswell. Been eating really well these past few days (boiled chicken / veg / brown rice etc). When I don't drink I have a really good ethic to work/exercise/eating. Feeling great going into this weekend planning the same gym and swim routine everyday through the weekend. Just going to the movies and gonna have an Indian over the weekend.

One thing that bothers me though even with all this exercise I still have trouble sleeping at night. I'm constantly anxious over things I've done in the past and what the future holds for me.It was 2:30 last night annd I was still awake. I also notice I have had some red rashes on my body that I think are stress related. I'm thinking of seeing if I can get some sleeping tablets.

Feeling positive at the minute so hope I can keep it going for a while. Tbh the thought of never drinking again terrfiies me, I don't know if I can do it. I just wish I could learn to have a few every noew and then and show some restraint.

Also, I've cut my time in Korea short and am going to Thailand in early Septemeber and have booked into a Muay thai camp for 2months(will possibly extend this to 3). Looking forward to that.

Anyway have a good (dry!!) weekend lads.

Stay away from sleeping tablets, don't replace one substance for another.

Bench Press

it will take about 3-4 weeks before all the drink is out of your system and you are properly dried out, your sleep and moods may be affected

beckett85

Hi lads,

Thanks again for all the messages and advice. Just thought I'd keep this updated. Had a good weekend and managed to avoid booze completely. Tbh, I never even got the urge to drink and I even called into the pub for a couple of hours for a mates birthday on Sunday! I just went to the gym,swam, cooked and read the rest of the weekend. A definite change of pace for me. Still having a bit of touble sleeping no matter how much or do or how early I get up the day before.

Do read the book I recommended, and consider visiting the center in Thailand when you are there as well. It will help.

I didn't get the chance to order it as I don't have a credit card at the moment but thanks for the tip! I'm just gonna have to experience it myself first hand!

Hope you all had a good weekend!

K.Flyer

Well done Beckett, thanks for keeping us updated, sounds like you had a great weekend. Weather here in Dublin was real nice, with temps in 20s and sunny.

dangerus06

well done you ,you should be very proud of yourself take it a day at a time ,dont worry about what u done in ur past thats over now ,ur future is finally in your hands ,your real friends will help you ,every day it will get easier contact your family and let them know what ur doing they be delighted for you sit down and make a list of the good people in your life and the bad and remove yourself from the drunks ,your not one of them now i dont even know you and i think your great and brave ,,,,as for the sleeping your doing what you need to do excirse etc no coffee after six ,any thoughts good or bad when your trying to sleep write down you cant fix anything when your tired you can deal with this stuff when you better ,best of look to you :P sandra

hootyorear

Just thought I would check in and see how you're doing Beckett, hope you are very well;-)

Ovoxokk

Hey dude was looking for a thread to help me and spotted this one .. My heart goes out to u all the way across the world with no couch
Basically my advise is to talk to someone and maybe it might help to talk to a total stranger who doesn't know you or your family or your past or anything someone who only knows what you tell them .. That way you won't hold the fear of being judged ..
I myself have anxiety issues and I know how it feels to not be able to sleep no matter what you do just please don't go for sleeping tabs they just as bad as drink and u will rely on them forever more!
So glad to hear u had a booze free weekend you must have felt proud but saddened that there was no encouragement given as you can't talk to your friends .. Well I know all of us here were proud of you haha
I don't know how old this thread is so please god your still keeping up the effort it will pay off and it won't happen overnight as I'm sure u know but you have a full life ahead of you and you only get one so please for your own self take care of you!!
Keep us posted and best of luck in your future x

beano345

[-0-] wrote: »

I highly recommend one of those detox places. A guy I know went there and wrote a book about his experience. He was the same as you, and ended up turning his life around, finding a girl and having a kid.

If he can do it, you can too!

The name of the place he went was thamkrabok - http://www.thamkrabok.net

This is his book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dead-Drunk-Paul-Garrigan/dp/1905379692

I hope this helps you friend!

ive read that book,it should be a bible for alcoholics,some life and some recovery fair play to him

danoc

My advice is this:

You have acknowledged your problem. Well done. A drinking problem doesn't need to be drinking 7 days a week, but it can be at the weekends. Now that you have acknowledged it, there's one more step.

Just stop. Every weekend you plan to go out and drink, just remind yourself why you shouldn't. If you want to fix it, then say no. I know it is easier said than done, but every time you want to go out, don't think of an excuse. Simply say no every time.

It is all about acknowledging the problem and cutting it out. Soon it will become normal.