What's his deal?

GlobalSun

Alright, so to cut this long story short. I met a guy about 3 months ago. Had a great first date, he asked me out again. I agreed but from that point on, things started going south.

He kept on rescheduling dates he would initiate/plan in the first place. He came up with the most random excuses (which were all legit to an extent). It happened 4 times. I had enough so I cut him off completely.

However, I caved in and texted him after a month of being radio silent. He texted me back but I cut the conversation wishing him a great summer. But there he goes, and says "If you ever feel like making plans, give me a call".

This last sentence has been stuck on my mind ever since. He never called me in the first place and never asked me to call. We would only text. Now he wants me to "call" if I wanna go out?

He's putting the ball in my court, I don't understand why. He's the one who suggested the second date after all.

What's his deal? Is he just trying to be polite and deep inside, doesn't want me to contact him ever again? Is it his subtle way of saying "Goodbye"?
Or is he really expecting me to call one day?

What should I do? I'm clearly quite interested.

Thanks

It's pretty much a generic push-off, I think. In my experience, when people say "give me a call" in that manner, then they don't actually mean it. To me, it seems to be a polite way of saying he's not interested.

MagicMarker

GlobalSun wrote: »

I'm clearly quite interested.

Erm, why?

Why would you want to be running after someone who doesn't even have the decency to keep a date not once, but 4 different times?

Talk about "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" :rolleyes:

GlobalSun

MagicMarker wrote: »

Erm, why?

Why would you want to be running after someone who doesn't even have the decency to keep a date not once, but 4 different times?

Talk about "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" :rolleyes:

Go figure.

Merkin

Haven't you started threads on this already?

I really don't think he seems interested tbh so I'd drop it and not contact him again.

GlobalSun

Merkin wrote: »

Haven't you started threads on this already?

I really don't think he seems interested tbh so I'd drop it and not contact him again.

No, I haven't started any thread regarding this situation at all.
Except one back in early May when he cancelled the first time, but that's it.

YumCha

Saw this recently from a father's advice to his daughter about men:

A boy who is interested in you will let you know. Boys (and men) are not as complicated as women in this regard. If you have to wonder if he likes you, he doesn’t.

Stavro Mueller

To be honest it looks like he's just not into you but your enthusiasm is blinding you. Everything in this post and your other one point to a guy who really isn't that pushed. Think about it - if he really was genuinely interested in seeing you again, that second date would've happened by now. In my experience, if you find yourself doing the chasing in any friendship or relationship you're in trouble.

GlobalSun

cymbaline wrote: »

To be honest it looks like he's just not into you but your enthusiasm is blinding you. Everything in this post and your other one point to a guy who really isn't that pushed. Think about it - if he really was genuinely interested in seeing you again, that second date would've happened by now. In my experience, if you find yourself doing the chasing in any friendship or relationship you're in trouble.

I understand. It's just that he fooled me into thinking he was interested. He was the one texting me and asking me if I was free whenever. I never initiated a single plan. However, in my opinion, if you don't like someone you just cut them off. You don't text them to ask if they're free. Weird behavior. He shouldn't have asked me out in the first place.

LegacyUser

To me, it's as clear as day that he's trying to set up a FWB scenario. If you want to do that, then go for it. It sounds though you don't though, do be careful and mind yourself OP

Lorna123

If he was interested he would have been the one to contact you and make sure that the next date he scheduled would happen. Instead of that he makes another date and another date and another date and keeps none of them. He should be hounding you with texts apologizing for this if he was interested. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants you and just because he left the ball in your court doesn't mean that he has to wait for you to call him. So unless he calls you I would not go near him again. By virtue of the fact that you texted him after a month would let him know that if he wanted to meet you again he has a good chance.

GlobalSun

Careful OP! wrote: »

To me, it's as clear as day that he's trying to set up a FWB scenario. If you want to do that, then go for it. It sounds though you don't though, do be careful and mind yourself OP

I think you're right. I just realized he also ticked the box "casual sex" on OKC. I should have known he was bad news and up to no good.

JenEffy

Everyone's already said it - he's not interested. If you make it obvious to someone that you like them then there's nothing holding them back from letting you know how they feel.

GlobalSun

JenEffy wrote: »

Everyone's already said it - he's not interested. If you make it obvious to someone that you like them then there's nothing holding them back from letting you know how they feel.

Got it

daisybelle2008

GlobalSun wrote: »

I think you're right. I just realized he also ticked the box "casual sex" on OKC. I should have known he was bad news and up to no good.

Just because he ticked the casual sex box online does not make him 'bad news' and up to no 'good'.
It is up to you to decide if you want to pursue something, at any point you are free to decide.
If you don't like what he is bringing to the table, just bail out. It is that simple. When you start over investing emotionally in someone who is not interested, it is easy to start blaming and name calling the other person for not liking you as much.
You are always going to turn on the other person and make yourself a victim if you stay past the sell by date. Be honest with yourself and recognise that point sooner. Trust your instincts. Starting more than one RI thread about someone after one date is a sign it is more negative than positive for you.

GlobalSun

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Just because he ticked the casual sex box online does not make him 'bad news' and up to no 'good'.
It is up to you to decide if you want to pursue something, at any point you are free to decide.
If you don't like what he is bringing to the table, just bail out. It is that simple. When you start over investing emotionally in someone who is not interested, it is easy to start blaming and name calling the other person for not liking you as much.
You are always going to turn on the other person and make yourself a victim if you stay past the sell by date. Be honest with yourself and recognise that point sooner. Trust your instincts. Starting more than one RI thread about someone after one date is a sign it is more negative than positive for you.

Thank you for all your answers.

I'm not saying the box in itself is a bad thing, but coupled with the flaky behavior it is a sign he's just looking for this. And yes, the fact that I've started a few threads regarding the situation is a already bad sign. Anyway, he wasted my time only to reject me whenever he pleased, hence, I have the answer to my questions.

And I'm not investing emotionally at all. Just because I started a few threads, doesn't mean I'm investing. I'm just looking for advice. It takes a lot more than one date for me to invest anything even though I was initially interested.

LegacyUser

Hahaha, I could have written this post myself because I've been going through the same with another guy!!! OP, it could actually be the same guy, for all we know! The rescheduling, the putting the ball in my court whenever I tried to cut him off completely... All of it, he's done to me!!!

I was stubborn enough to go and call him, so I did manage to meet him a few more times past our first couple of dates. I actually went and told him that I was feeling he wasn't all that interested in me, and he started texting more often and seemingly tried harder to make plans.

At the end of the day, however, it's pretty much the same: "I'm sorry, but I can't meet up because [insert legit excuse here]". Besides, his texting/calling doesn't make up for the time we don't spend physically together, i.e., it's not helping us get to know each other better in the meantime... It's purely functional "I'm still alive, please don't forget about me".

I feel guilty (OP, does this happen to you as well?), because part of me is convinced that he does like me, and that it's no good to judge the situation by the old cliché (that he should be doing all the effort or else he's not into me). But I've decided that all that guilt doesn't make up for the fact that he's not with me the way I want him to be.

I guess if he ever has the time of day (and if he is indeed really interested in me), he will let me know... But for now, I'm moving on.

OP, if we actually talk about two different guys, we might have just found out that there is such a type as "the busy guy", and that we don't date busy guys!!!

MagicMarker

If a guy is interested, then he makes time.

GlobalSun

GoingThroughTheSame wrote: »

Hahaha, I could have written this post myself because I've been going through the same with another guy!!! OP, it could actually be the same guy, for all we know! The rescheduling, the putting the ball in my court whenever I tried to cut him off completely... All of it, he's done to me!!!

I was stubborn enough to go and call him, so I did manage to meet him a few more times past our first couple of dates. I actually went and told him that I was feeling he wasn't all that interested in me, and he started texting more often and seemingly tried harder to make plans.

At the end of the day, however, it's pretty much the same: "I'm sorry, but I can't meet up because [insert legit excuse here]". Besides, his texting/calling doesn't make up for the time we don't spend physically together, i.e., it's not helping us get to know each other better in the meantime... It's purely functional "I'm still alive, please don't forget about me".

I feel guilty (OP, does this happen to you as well?), because part of me is convinced that he does like me, and that it's no good to judge the situation by the old cliché (that he should be doing all the effort or else he's not into me). But I've decided that all that guilt doesn't make up for the fact that he's not with me the way I want him to be.

I guess if he ever has the time of day (and if he is indeed really interested in me), he will let me know... But for now, I'm moving on.

OP, if we actually talk about two different guys, we might have just found out that there is such a type as "the busy guy", and that we don't date busy guys!!!

I do feel guilty too, because I felt as tough he was initially interested. The first time he cancelled our date, he spent all night texting me (the night we were supposed to see each other). Talk about contradictions.

Same when we cancelled the second time due to a misunderstanding we had. I made other plans because I didn't hear from him until 2 hours before the date when he supposedly texted me the night before to confirm. He kept apologizing though.

Third time, it was because of supposed work commitments he had.

He works as a bartender, hence, it's quite hard for us to get matching schedules. He works everyday from like 5pm to 2am, and on weekends he works all day + night. I, however, have a 9-5 schedule.

Therefore, part of me doesn't want to give him the time of day anymore, and another part feels guilty for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. I agree with you on everything you said. It's purely functional, very true!

Putting the ball in my court is not fair because he knows I want to see him again so I don't get why he is regarding this as a probability - 'if you ever feel like making plans' - what a joke.