Has any man said 'I'm ready now'?

LegacyUser

I'm a 31 year old woman and my partner and I will have been together for 5 years in the autumn.

From the beginning of our relationship I have been open about the fact that I want to have children. When we talked about it earlier this year he told me that he definitely wants kids, but can't give me any idea of when this would be. He said that he'd want to move to a better area, have more money, etc. I agreed with him about where we live as it's quite a rough area, but I pointed out that we'll never have the money, time, or resources that we want so putting off having a family because of those would mean we never did it. He said he knew that, but he didn't want to have kids now and, while he knew he wanted them, he couldn't give me any kind of timeframe for it.

I guess it's starting to weigh on my mind because I'm 31, we've been together a long time, and I may have problems with fertility due to PCOS, not to mention that my mother and her sisters all had to have hysterectomies at around the age of 40. I'm worried that 'someday' will never come and I'll be left with either no kids, as one of the stereotypical 'baby crazy' women in their mid 30s desperately looking for a man to fertilise her, or having to go the single mother route and visit a sperm bank, which isn't exactly how I envisioned myself having a family.

Part of me is telling me to cut my losses and get the hell out, but I love him; he's a kind, gentle man.

Has anyone ever had 'someday' turn into 'ok, now'?

LegacyUser

op the last part about your PCOS and your mum's and aunt's issues - is your partner aware of these things? it's all fine and well having these concerns flying around in YOUR head, i'm sure they're a worry for you. but he needs to be aware that having kids is something you can't put off for some mystical far off future date. my advice is to be completely open and honest with him, the more communication the better.

CaraMay

Some people in the movies have.

Does he know your medical issues? Does he know how that could impact on your chances of having kids?

He may be the nicest man on the world but, if you want kids asap and he doesnt then its time to move on. You are not on the same page and there are plenty of nice men out there would love to meet someone and have kids. If this fella can't tell you when after 5 years then I don't know if he ever will. Go for what you want in life and don't let someone else hold the keys to your future.

Calhoun

When was the last time you talked about it? Myself and my wife would always be talking about it joking over the years (Just married and was going out 4 years), however i was specifically told that she wanted a baby before she was 30.

I would have the chat with him OP, don't be pushed back with talk about not having money, not living in certain area ect ect. There is never and will never be a perfect time to have a baby, the perfect time is the time you pick as soon as you see the heart beat for the first time things change .

If he still doesn't want a child i think its ultimatum time.

LegacyUser

At 31 years of age and being with him for 5 years I would be having a very serious chat
with him and tell him the following:
a) I have made no secret that I want a family.
b) I would tell him that there is a family history in regards to problems with fertility and that you suffer from pcos. Let him know what pcos is and how it may effect you in regards to getting pregnant.

I would ask him why is he unwilling to give you any type of a time frame when he thinks you both should try for a family after being together for the past 5 years?
Has he talked to you about moving out of where you currently live or about changing jobs so you can afford to move your life on?
After 5 years together most couple are making plans in this regard ie changing jobs, moving to a different area or are planning an engagement or wedding.

Your partner seems happy enough with the way things are at the moment. He is using the poor area and your lack of funds as an excuse not to have a family.
My advice to you now that if he unwilling to give you a time frame on the baby issue ie we will start trying in the next 6 months I would tell him it is over.
I know woman who walked away from men like this and they are now married with children.

Also some men seem to think a woman can have children no problem well into there 40's but this is not always the case. If your aware that it could be hard for you to have a child it is better to walk away from this man. Why should you give up your dream of a family because your with a man who is to immature to have a family or has not the decency to tell you I have not interest in having kids.
I know one man who told his girlfriend this and she told him I want a family. She is now married to another man and has two children.

padz

hey op, from a guys point of view i can understand where your partner comes from, tbh im shocked at some of the above comments suggesting to finish it with him, from my point of view 5years isint that long to be together, while it is obviously serious, its nothing compared to the years spent together raising a child, im sure a lot of men dont take this decision lightly, finance is important, savings are important, where you would like to raise a child together obviously matters to you both as you said the area your in is rough, where your living also suggests where your child would go to school/daycare,

i understand that you feel your clock is ticking, but maybe a list of what you both want before having a child would be a way to get things goin, at least in his mind maybe?

write 'baby' down the bottom of a piece of paper and hand it to him and ask him to write above it the things that will get you to the word at the bottom.....he will write certain things that are atainable and certain things arnt....scratch the ones that arnt doable and then go for it

i know its off point but i know a few people who have children in apartment blocks, when i hear of another story of a child falling from a balcony it makes me feel for the poor child and the family & that some familys arnt planned out much&people are goin thru hard times, i know you cant micro-manage everything but maybe your partner is comming from a different point of view and im sure hes scared

hope you have a good chat and it works out

username123

padz wrote: »

.....from my point of view 5years isint that long to be together......

They have been together since her mid-20s, now she is 31. In another 4 years her fertility starts to decrease year on year and her chances of having a Downs Syndrome baby go up and up. After 35 the medical community makes your file "geriatric pregnancy" in a maternity hospital.

Womens fertility is not endless, there is a timeframe. After 5 years together surely this guy knows whether or not he wants to have kids? If he wanted it OP - youd be having them. This whole "someday" business is just a delay tactic. If he delays it long enough you wont be able to have kids. It would be better if he were honest with you.

I suggest you tell him very clearly that its time to make the decision, and if he doesnt want kids and you do - then you need to move on asap.

Its not mature to keep someone hanging with the "someday" notion. Time to pee or get off the pot.