Ex threatening self harm

LegacyUser

I have recently split up with my wife due to a whole host of problems. The complete lack of sex as indicated here quite often, refusal to contribute much to our mortgage and bills even though we earn a similar amount, her constantly bossing me around like a drill sergeant and the psychotic rages she flies into when i don't immediately follow her orders and do something like the bins. On the occasions where the psychotic rage doesn't ensue, it is usually a wailing, screaming, crying fest of monumental proportions. Every time i have tried to talk to her about any of these problems or suggest counselling she goes off on said psychotic range (throwing stuff, screaming, crazy!), starts the wailing or just walks away from me. Sometimes she will start singing loudly to drown out what i am saying and acts like i am saying nothing at all. I told her a few times i would be leaving if things didn't improve,that we needed counselling and to talk. Every time was met with all the above.

So now i have left. I explained to her all the reasons why i was leaving, packed my stuff and went out the door. She has been sending me a litany of emails ranging from abusive to pleading. Now she has moved on to threatening to harm or kill herself if i don't return. The descriptions of self harm have been pretty awful and self harm has been a concern of mine before. It kept me there far longer then i should have stayed.

I'm currently looking for advice on the best course of action to move forward. I am concerned she will self harm, yet i do not want to return to such an unhappy relationship. I am drained with all this drama and have no energy to face my new life with

Chucky the tree

Does she have family and friends? If she does I contact them and tell them what she has said, then I'd just cut all contact with her and leave it up to them to deal with.

Merkin

In all probability she is acting up as her pattern of behaviour to date has shown master manipulation and emotional blackmail.

Stop engaging with her and send on her emails with the threats to her parents/siblings/friends. She's not your problem anymore. If she does carry out her threats then it is not your fault, you've done the right thing by getting out of the relationship but you do need to tell those closest to her what she is threatening to do. Don't sugar coat it, send on the emails so they can see exactly what she is saying.

username123

Merkin wrote: »

Stop engaging with her and send on her emails with the threats to her parents/siblings/friends.

+1

Cut all contact. Its not your problem.

Cyclepath

+ 1000

I've been there. I've had those emails, had those threats, had that abuse.

It's an extension of her usual behaviour. She will do pretty much anything required to get your attention. The more you give her the more she'll demand and will keep ramping up the anger, hatred, scorn, and threats to keep you in her sights.

There is only one way to deal with this sort of drama queen. Cut all contact, Don't feed the monster. Insist that all communications are via a third party, and that they are solely to do with matters you are obliged to attend to, such as legal proceedings, access to children, and so on.

Believe me, it took me several years of misery to figure this one out. You won't feel anything near normal until you do it.

RossFixxxed

Take it from those who have been there. Cut all contact, you are NOT responsible. You have the choice, if you are really concerned, to send the emails/texts on to her family but DO NOT reply to her or engage with her at all. That level of blackmail and exploitation escalates.

Do NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES consider returning to a 'relationship' in any way shape or form. That is the very last thing that should cross your mind.

People like that are insidious and should be cut out of your life like the tumour they are. I thought long and hard about that last sentence, but I've seen it myself and you want to be as far away as possible. She is the ONLY one responsilbe for her actions, just block her, mark as spam and don't look back.

ManOfMystery

Agree with above. Had an ex who threatened same. It's nothing more than another form of emotional manipulation.

Change your number, change your email, etc. Don't give her any opportunity to latch onto you.

Stench Blossoms

Forward on all messages to his family.

I'd also suggest changing your number.

It's emotional blackmail.

December2012

Agree with above. Send the messages to a friend or relative of hers (preferably not a work email address!) and to somebody who will help her.

Then stay out of it.

Also, make sure that you have a support network around you too.

LegacyUser

Op what you have here is a parasite. Pure and simple an absolute parasite. Pat yourself on the back for getting away from such an immature manipulator and look for someone who actually cares for you and wants to make you happy. Trust us the lunatic ex doesn't. She just sees you as a toy with a bank account who will stoop to any shameful level to get her own way.

Gather as much proof as you can of your financial situations, salaries and what you've paid for and she hasnt as when she cops on that your gone the next tactic will be to take you to the proverbial cleaners. Do you have kids?

Make sure absolutely everyone around you knows that youve split up and there is no question of you ever getting back together. From being in this situation myself and seeing others go through it i know that the manipulation and games are only beginning here. She will probably start drafting in others to her poor me you should be back together routine. The sad thing is in ireland you have another four years of this hell.

Given the immaturity and the inability to be in a relationship would you consider an annulment? Shed be out of your life much quicker, no financial support and you're free to marry again...if you got married in the church that is. Also you can apply for an annulment straight away and not have to wait the four years. Something to think about

StillWaters

Are there children involved?

jomc

moveonman wrote: »

Given the immaturity and the inability to be in a relationship would you consider an annulment? Shed be out of your life much quicker, no financial support and you're free to marry again...if you got married in the church that is. Also you can apply for an annulment straight away and not have to wait the four years. Something to think about

+1000 annulment is the way to go here.Get her out of your life asap. You can apply straight away and will sever the connection giving you a clean break. This behavior gets worse and worse and if you wait for divorce you have 4 long years of suffering, drama and tantrums which will escalate and draw everyone in your life and work into it

slowmoe

+2 on checkin out an annulment. sounds like u have a good strong case and its the best option for you now. if you engage divorce proceedings today you still have another 4 years of this drama and bull**** to have escalating.

Your story reminds me of a friend of my partners. He's a decent guy, got trapped in the relationship of oh if we get married we will be happy and have great sex etc, sex died the second he got married. Years later after trying everything he left. Took him a long time and a lot of ifs and buts to do it but eventually did. As soon as he was actually gone suddenly shes happy to try going to therapy (classic manipulation trick) and threatening to hurt herself etc. He meets a nice girl, a great girl tbh, who is perfect for him and treats him really well, gorgeous, fun, well thought of, etc, but he is still so caught up in the ex drama that hes not able to give the new girl much of his time or attention. He is so exhausted by the ex that hes been taking it out on the new girl and we can all see she is very close to walking away. So pretty soon if he doesnt start treating his actual girlfriend well he will lose her because he couldnt distance himself from the nutjob.

What a previous poster said is right, somewhere out there is someone who will treat you with the love, care and respect for your relationship that you have been lacking here. You need to cut all contact with this crazy ex and get rid of asap in order to make sure when you do meet the person that deserves you, that you deserve them too and you can take your chance at happiness. You deserve it

stupidpiggy

Everyone's got it right!

Move on - you stayed longer than you wanted to because she's pulled this act before so she thinks by escalating it it will work again!

If you return or engage you are sending a message that it will work........and it will only get worse

By walking away and passing this information on to her other relevant concerned persons you will be doing yourself and her a huge favour.

These dynamics only die when one person is strong enough to cut the cord

Good luck

The Corinthian

For all the polemics about Ireland being a Catholic country, I don't think annulments have ever been available in Ireland. Do check with a solicitor to confirm this, but I'd be fairly certain on this.

Do cut contact, as has been advised, and only allow it through a third party. Also go to a solicitor and find out what your position is; if you're married under ten years, you both earn much the same amount and there's no children, divorce should be relatively painless.

You've not said if you have children though. While I'd take this as you probably not having any, if you do I would certainly talk to a solicitor about getting custody if you do - leaving them in the custody of a person threatening suicide is not in their best interest.

What prompted this extreme change in her character?

Merkin

Some info here OP:

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/civil_annulment/nullity_of_marriage.html

StillWaters

The Annulment advice is a red herring. Church annulments have no legal validity, and legal annulments are very difficult to obtain, and are of little use now we have divorce. Certainly obtaining a legal annulment will probably be a lot more costly than getting a legal separation.

The Corinthian

StillWaters wrote: »

The Annulment advice is a red herring. Church annulments have no legal validity, and legal annulments are very difficult to obtain, and are of little use now we have divorce. Certainly obtaining a legal annulment will probably be a lot more costly than getting a legal separation.

Another thing that comes to mind is that even with an annulment, the OP may still be financially liable if they've been living together for five years or more.

LegacyUser

Trying to post again from my mates (where i am staying) broadband. Can't seem to get it working.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond, i will try get to all questions. Firstly we do not have children which has been an additional issue. I have always wanted children but turns out she didn't after saying when we got married she did.

Her behavior hasn't really changed. More it escalated over the years.

When we got married, it was at a low point in my life where things weren't going the way i had planned and i struggled to deal with it. She pushed for marriage and insisted we could have our few kids, perfect home, she would be the perfect wife etc and i caved. As you can tell it didn't work out that way, and things took a turn for the worse straight after getting married. The bossy nature, the tantrums, the threats and a huge dive in sexual activity. We should not have ever gotten married, as soon as we did it was like i was nothing to her, that i was there to make her happy and do whatever she said like a bold child and there was nothing reciprocated, as if my happiness never mattered. Which it didn't.

I thought an annulment was extremely difficult to get and only a possibility if a marriage had never been consummated?

LegacyUser

OP, annulments can and do happen. Non-consummation is merely one reason. I know a woman who got an annulment after years of physical abuse by her husband dating back to the first year of marriage. They had kids, and he was a doctor, but she was still able to get an annulment. She has lately remarried.

Its certainly worth the price of a phonecall. The link above gives some contact info.

The Corinthian

exissues wrote: »

I thought an annulment was extremely difficult to get and only a possibility if a marriage had never been consummated?

According to the above link:

"At the time of the marriage, there was a lack of consent. In other words, you or your spouse did not give free and fully informed consent to the marriage. This may be due to duress, (i.e., you were forced into the marriage), mistake, misrepresentation or fraud. It may also be due to the fact that you or your spouse was suffering from a mental illness or was intoxicated at the time of the marriage."

So in theory, you could make the case that having children was very much part of the deal and that she lied about her intentions on this. Wouldn't hold my breath on this argument working, but I suppose it's worth a phone call, as someone said earlier. Either way, it's time you seek legal advice. Pronto.

DubGreggie

Greetings chaps,

I have been reading with interest your post, and I agree entirely with all of it. It seems as if many people are in the exact same situation, but funnily enough they all think that they are unique.

There certainly is nullity in Ireland, and I have been a practitioner in the area for some years. I have to say at the outset that nullities are very very rare indeed. Indeed the jurisdiction for nullity comes from an Act of 1870, and it hasn’t been amended since, which demonstrates the importance our legislature places on nullity.

As regards the actual formalities, there is an onus of proof on the person applying for a nullity which can be difficult to surmount. There is a general presumption that once the parties have gone through a marriage ceremony, that they have contracted a valid marriage. Thus the onus is on the person who alleges that the marriage is invalid to rebut this presumption to the satisfaction of the Court, a presumption which has been acknowledged by the Courts to be very severe and heavy. The Supreme Court have ruled that the person applying must establish the case with a high degree of probability and must remove all reasonable doubt, which shows how far one must go.

The grounds for rendering the marriage void are as follows;

1. A lack of capacity i.e. if one is already married, if they are within the prohibitive degrees, or if they are under age.

2. Non observance of the formalities i.e. they didn’t inform the Registrar before getting married, or some other technical reason.

3. Absence of consent – the parties have to have a full, free and informed consent to marry, and this probably causes the most difficulty as it leads to sub headings of insanity, intoxication, mistake, misrepresentation, failure to disclose information of substance, and lack of adequate knowledge, intention not to fulfil the fundamental terms of the marriage contract, duress, intimidation, undue influence, and soforth. Any of these grounds will render the marriage void, meaning it was void from the start and thus did not exist.

To really complicate matters (us lawyers love doing that), the marriage may also be rendered voidable, meaning that it should have been void from the start, but it's not until a Court says so, as opposed to one which is clearly void. Grounds for this include, impotence, wilful refusal to consummate the marriage, and incapacity to enter into and sustain a proper and normal marriage relationship. The latter includes psychiatric illnesses and the like. It also includes sexual orientation, emotional immaturity and incompatibility.

It is a very complex area, and each case turns upon its own particular facts. If you would like to drop me an email privately, I will happily talk you through the exact law as it pertains to your individual case. If you're outside Dublin and you would like a list of other family law practitioners who would specialise in this area, I would also be happy to recommend some colleagues who could assist.

I've unfortunately had to do a lot of research into this area in recent times.

On a more humanistic perspective, I concur with the various advices and supports proferred above.

Greg

slowmoe

Wow thats a lot of info. Definitely sounds like you have a lot of points to be able to at least apply for annulment op. I would try and visit at least two specialists in the area as the law is so outdated they might not know the best ways to pursue in your interests.

As a previous poster said misrepresentation leaps out from your story. Obviously taking advantage of you in a low time to push you into marriage on the promise of a few things that she never intended to carry out reeks of coercion.

The behaviour really does not sound like she was ever able or willing to commit to a functional relationship. She sounds like she never had the desire to work on a genuine relationship once she was married. The behaviour does sound like she is a bit unstable. Singing or screaming to drown out your voice???? Thats bonkers stuff, only young children engage in this type of ridiculous behaviour.

Denying you children after saying she did want them is huge. Did she ever say she did not want them, or change her mind, or did she just put it off or avoid trying? That is a huge thing to do to someone and actually angers me for you!!!!

However your life is going in the right direction. You have left, you are moving on and so far have stood strong against the puppeteers manipulation. Well done sir, its not easy. You have been abused and dominated in this relationship and completely taken advantage of against your will. If you ever return it will get a lot lot worse.

How old are you both op? If you can close the door on the horrendous relationship you will have every chance in the world of finding an amazing woman who loves you for you, who will care about your happiness and would love to give you the children you want so badly. When you find her, you owe it to her and yourself to be in the best position possible to build your life with her so i would urge you to follow the annulment consultations through and to look at counselling for yourself. Try to avoid my partners friends problems that i described earlier of being quite up and down with his dreamgirl and driving her away.

Keep strong, somewhere out there is the woman you're supposed to be with!

Neyite

DubGreggie wrote: »

Greetings chaps,

I have been reading with interest your post, and I agree entirely with all of it. It seems as if many people are in the exact same situation, but funnily enough they all think that they are unique.

There certainly is nullity in Ireland, and I have been a practitioner in the area for some years. I have to say at the outset that nullities are very very rare indeed. Indeed the jurisdiction for nullity comes from an Act of 1870, and it hasn’t been amended since, which demonstrates the importance our legislature places on nullity.

As regards the actual formalities, there is an onus of proof on the person applying for a nullity which can be difficult to surmount. There is a general presumption that once the parties have gone through a marriage ceremony, that they have contracted a valid marriage. Thus the onus is on the person who alleges that the marriage is invalid to rebut this presumption to the satisfaction of the Court, a presumption which has been acknowledged by the Courts to be very severe and heavy. The Supreme Court have ruled that the person applying must establish the case with a high degree of probability and must remove all reasonable doubt, which shows how far one must go.

The grounds for rendering the marriage void are as follows;

1. A lack of capacity i.e. if one is already married, if they are within the prohibitive degrees, or if they are under age.

2. Non observance of the formalities i.e. they didn’t inform the Registrar before getting married, or some other technical reason.

3. Absence of consent – the parties have to have a full, free and informed consent to marry, and this probably causes the most difficulty as it leads to sub headings of insanity, intoxication, mistake, misrepresentation, failure to disclose information of substance, and lack of adequate knowledge, intention not to fulfil the fundamental terms of the marriage contract, duress, intimidation, undue influence, and soforth. Any of these grounds will render the marriage void, meaning it was void from the start and thus did not exist.

To really complicate matters (us lawyers love doing that), the marriage may also be rendered voidable, meaning that it should have been void from the start, but it's not until a Court says so, as opposed to one which is clearly void. Grounds for this include, impotence, wilful refusal to consummate the marriage, and incapacity to enter into and sustain a proper and normal marriage relationship. The latter includes psychiatric illnesses and the like. It also includes sexual orientation, emotional immaturity and incompatibility.

It is a very complex area, and each case turns upon its own particular facts. If you would like to drop me an email privately, I will happily talk you through the exact law as it pertains to your individual case. If you're outside Dublin and you would like a list of other family law practitioners who would specialise in this area, I would also be happy to recommend some colleagues who could assist.

I've unfortunately had to do a lot of research into this area in recent times.

On a more humanistic perspective, I concur with the various advices and supports proferred above.

Greg

Dubgreggie, welcome to PI/RI forum. Please familarise yourself with the charter of the forum, and the overall rules of Boards.
It is not permitted to give legal advice here on Boards, nor is it permitted to promote your business on Boards, and specific to this forum, we do not permit any posters to ask the Original Poster to private message them.

Failure to adhere to the rules of Boards and its forum charters may result in a ban.

DubGreggie

Dear Neyite

Apologies, I hadn't realised, I was just trying to help the poor chap and contribute.

My behaviour will stand modified.

Regards
Greg

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies everyone.The update is i am applying for the annulment.I saw 2 solicitors, one just pretty much dismissed it straight away saying that they're too hard to get without really listening to my circumstances. The other listened, asked a lot of questions and said i definitely had a very strong case for a few reasons being, the emotional blackmail to get me into the marriage and the additional promise of needing the ring on her finger for a healthy sex life. And that sex life bombed straight after wedding and only got worse is seen as misrepresentation/mild coercion. The children issue is huge misrepresentation. The emotionally abusive nature of our relationship and of course that it seems she was too emotionally immature/unstable and therefore incapable of ever entering into and sustaining a normal marriage.

I really really want to say a huge thanks to absolutely everyone on this thread, i never would have thought of this if i had not posted as i believed annulments just didn't happen. I firmly believe that my marriage should never have taken place as do some of my close friends, two even tried to warn me before the wedding. If i had not been in such a low place when she pushed for it i would have never gotten married. I have started seeing a councillor who is making me feel a bit like an eejit for not seeing the ridiculous nature sooner but at least i am working through it and can 1 million per cent see how wrong this was for me. A long road to recovery but i'm on it.

I don't know if it will work out or not but i am going to try push forward with it. As previous posters mentioned my dream woman and the future mother of my children is out there somewhere and i owe it to her and myself to be in the best possible position for her.

Thanks again!

December2012

Hi OP,

Dont feel like an idiot just because you made a mistake. We all make mistakes and some with very serious consequences.

You're not an idiot, you were just dealing with a lot of things at the time. Its great that you're speaking with a counsellor, so you can identify what those things are and protect yourself from being that vulnerable to damage again, while repairing the damage and eventually living your life in a complete and whole way, ready for love if it comes your way. Which I hope it does, in time.

Good luck with it all.

LegacyUser

Having a bit of crisis now.

A friend encouraged me to keep in contact and to look hard at keeping things going. I've met up with my ex a few times and its been nice. She's been normal, fun, loving towards me and apologetic. She's now discussing me coming home.

I did meet a new girl who seemed nice and ticked a lot of boxes but God knows there.

Am i making a huge mistake seeing my ex? Could anything have changed?

Virgil°

exissues wrote: »

Having a bit of crisis now.

A friend encouraged me to keep in contact and to look hard at keeping things going. I've met up with my ex a few times and its been nice. She's been normal, fun, loving towards me and apologetic. She's now discussing me coming home.

I did meet a new girl who seemed nice and ticked a lot of boxes but God knows there.

Am i making a huge mistake seeing my ex? Could anything have changed?

Things will not have changed OP. Not in this space of time without a whole lot of counselling. Give the new girl a chance. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO BACK!

Also I'm sorry to say your friend sounds like a fool.

Taltos

Hi OP.

I really believe staying in touch or making contact again is a huge, no a massive mistake.
This woman clearly knows how to push your buttons and manipulate you - I mean she got you to marry her despite not wanting to do so.

You need to break all contact and don't give in at all. Before you know it she will be pregnant and there goes your annulment and chance at a fresh start.

I would also consider looking again at this friend of yours. Anyone who pushes you to contact someone who ate into your self worth is either clueless, enjoys the drama or is not really a friend at all.

Please stop contact now and go back to your counsellor asap.

slowmoe

Dear god op are you really writing this? As others have said do not under any circumstances go back to your ex wife, do not maintain any contact whatsoever, do not see her. She is a parasite who has played you for a complete fool and now you're allowing her to continue??? Are you that much of a pushover???

Your friend may be simply saying don't give up easily on a marriage but i think he wouldn't be if he knew all the problems here. You've tried everything with her and shes been nothing more than immature, psychotic and controlling. Or your friend might have a little birdie whispering in his ear. Either way you should completely disregard his hideous so called advice.

I know you wanted to have kids, but is this really the woman you want to give them as their mother? A vindictive, manipulating, bitchy, selfish, childish, control freak? They deserve better. think long and hard before touching her at all as this is going to be on her manipulation strike list at some point. You can see from her history that she is very talented at playing you into thinking she is changing once you go back, look at you getting back together and then getting married etc. Everything got worse not better and her promises of change were replaced with tantrums.

On another note continuing seeing her will probably end any chance of an annulment that you have......and not to point out the obvious but it will end anything with the new girl too.

Stop looking into the past. Cut contact and look to the much brighter future

exissues

exissues wrote: »

A friend encouraged me to keep in contact and to look hard at keeping things going. I've met up with my ex a few times and its been nice. She's been normal, fun, loving towards me and apologetic. She's now discussing me coming home.

Oh my. Are you really considering reconciling with this woman:

exissues wrote: »

I have recently split up with my wife due to a whole host of problems. The complete lack of sex as indicated here quite often, refusal to contribute much to our mortgage and bills even though we earn a similar amount, her constantly bossing me around like a drill sergeant and the psychotic rages she flies into when i don't immediately follow her orders and do something like the bins. On the occasions where the psychotic rage doesn't ensue, it is usually a wailing, screaming, crying fest of monumental proportions. Every time i have tried to talk to her about any of these problems or suggest counselling she goes off on said psychotic range (throwing stuff, screaming, crazy!), starts the wailing or just walks away from me. Sometimes she will start singing loudly to drown out what i am saying and acts like i am saying nothing at all. I told her a few times i would be leaving if things didn't improve,that we needed counselling and to talk. Every time was met with all the above.

exissues wrote: »

i definitely had a very strong case for a few reasons being, the emotional blackmail to get me into the marriage and the additional promise of needing the ring on her finger for a healthy sex life. And that sex life bombed straight after wedding and only got worse is seen as misrepresentation/mild coercion. The children issue is huge misrepresentation. The emotionally abusive nature of our relationship and of course that it seems she was too emotionally immature/unstable and therefore incapable of ever entering into and sustaining a normal marriage.

I can only assume that your friend doesn't know the half of what you've said on here because anyone with half a brain would be encouraging you to stay well away from this harridan.

The hardest part, leaving, is done. If you go back now it could be impossible to do it another time. You have a second chance at a happy life, don't throw it away.

stupidpiggy

I hate to say this......

But seeing as it's fairly anonymous I may as well.

Women are great, but we have a tendency to act a little crazy.

From (deep and shameful) past experience I have been in relationships with a very negative dynamic and found myself acting completely mental - not threatening self harm but manipulating and stalking and leaving wailing voicemails etc.

I feel I should add that I have since learned that this is not normal behaviour and now avoid relationship dynamics that seem to wake up that horrible part of my personality.

However, us women can be a little calculated and it is a sure thing your ex wife is working hard to maintain this new relaxed, cool and sane demeanour.

Men, in general are not calculated and can be quite naive (no offence) so I wouldn't blame you for getting sucked in - but, I would imagine there is some form of game plan on her part - the self harm threats didn't work and now it's time for another approach.

If you avoid her, which i think is the only way, she will get the message fairly quick and I'm gussing when she frees herself from this situation she too will in time be very glad to be away from it.

No matter how poorly she has behaved she is obviously in a bad place to have made the suggestions she did.

Hope things work out

jomc

Agree with everyone-stay well away op

This woman has behaved this way with just you for about 10-20 years (sorry i can't see how long you've been together). You admit she's always been like this, it didn't start with you so she's done this to people before. You tell us yourself her behavior has gotten worse over the years. So if you are really buying into her current scam of things changing in a month or two you need to take a llloooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg hard look at reality. Nothing has changed. She's gone from claiming to be suicidal in order to make you change to whatever game she's come up with now. Nothing at all has changed, nothing will change.

It took you a long time to leave, it was not easy. If you go back you won't leave again. You will have shown her that your life is a toy for her to use and play and control you like you're nothing more than a hobby or non sexual toy with her.

A previous poster asked is this really the woman you want to be the mother of your kids? I would seriously concentrate on this question. Because its very very clear that this woman is not capable of being a healthy mother. You might think that kids will help patch up your relationship, they won't. This woman is a drama queen and attention whore, when a child is taking the attention away from her, she will not react well!!! How much worse will her behavior be when she's up all night with a crying child, and has the child hanging out of her for the next 20 years. She does not seem like someone who can ever put another person first, least of all someone who gets more attention then her. You might think that if you get the children you want that you can put up with her craziness, but you won't. Life will be a daily struggle and your kids will miss out on having a sane mother who adores them and a happy father to play with them. The horrific disaster that your marriage has been will be their entire life.

Your 'friend' should not be listened to. Either he doesn't have a clue or has someone else influencing him. Has your ex been in touch with your friends? If you don't think so I would ask directly and make it very very clear to your friends that the relationship is over and they are not to be chatting to your ex about it, or putting in a good word for her or whatever the **** is going on. Does your ex get on with any of their partners? Could she be onto the women and have them in turn onto the men? I would be extremely confident that something like this is going on. There is no way in the world anyone would advise their worst enemy to return to a woman like this, never mind a friend. I would distance myself from this friend for the time being as their 'friendship' is going to make your recovery harder.

Tell us about the new girl? You've written very little, i presume because your ex's control and manipulation is still the predominant issue in your life. Make sure you're not taking your frustrations out on the new girl, when faced with this poisonous dynamic, its too easy to play nice with the ex and take out your crap on a new person, but it really should be the other way around.

As another poster has said, relationship dynamics are complicated. Your marriage was unfair to you and unfair to your ex. She might go on to meet someone who either enjoys her crap or to realise her behaviour, she certainly hasn't done it in 2 months. Those changes take years and years if they ever happen at all. Going back to her now is condemning her to a lifetime of this **** as much as it is you.

Run buddy run!

jomc

Op just read back through the thread, when you started it, you were miserable, your posts read like a very downtrodden exhausted defeated person. Your post where you say you're chasing the annulment, reads like a man that has seen the light in his future and has a bit of hope once again. Its by far the most positive thing you've written. Don't let go off that. This control freak will suck all the hope out of you again.

Cut off all contact. Instruct your friends that if shes in touch that the standard response is the relationship is over and there is to be no discussion on it. Block her number, her email, everything. Let her know to go through your solicitor if she needs to contact you and the response will come only back through solicitors. Close the book on the chapter of hell and look towards the new

The Corinthian

exissues wrote: »

A friend encouraged me to keep in contact and to look hard at keeping things going. I've met up with my ex a few times and its been nice. She's been normal, fun, loving towards me and apologetic. She's now discussing me coming home.

And she'll be normal, fun, loving towards you and apologetic until she has you back home, the threat of the two of you splitting is averted and can revert to type.

I say that, because beyond the charm offensive, what has she offered, let alone shown genuine willingness to do where it comes to you and the relationship? Is she suddenly all pro starting a family? What does she suggest on improving your sex life? Or has she a plan on how she'll control her tantrums?

If all you're getting is charm with little else in these areas, then you're being played. She's just manipulating you to regain control and put you back in your box where the status quo will be re-established.

Am i making a huge mistake seeing my ex? Could anything have changed?

Probably. It's clear that she can manipulate you expertly, so exposing yourself to someone like that is very dangerous. As you said yourself, you began seeing a counsellor who ended up making you "feel a bit like an eejit for not seeing the ridiculous nature sooner". Take the hint.

kylith

exissues wrote: »

Having a bit of crisis now.

A friend encouraged me to keep in contact and to look hard at keeping things going. I've met up with my ex a few times and its been nice. She's been normal, fun, loving towards me and apologetic. She's now discussing me coming home.

I did meet a new girl who seemed nice and ticked a lot of boxes but God knows there.

Am i making a huge mistake seeing my ex? Could anything have changed?

Yes, you are making a HUGE mistake. If you continue to see her and especially if you move back in you will shortly be here starting a thread called I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE.

Stay away from her. Remain civil if ye must be in contact but do not get taken in by her lies; she was probably like this before you married her, it is an act to lure you in.

Run. Run far. Run fast.

ABajaninCork

I can't go beyond the great advice already offered. RUN, OP, RUN! DO NOT CALL OFF THE LEGAL ACTION!!

And as has already been suggested - I'd make an appointment to see the counsellor.

I wish you strength and luck my brother. I think you're going to need it.

conor2469

Don't fall at the final hurdle. You were so close to escaping. I suggest you go back and read your original post about 5 times to remember why you left in the first place. She is extremely manipulative and is looking to get her claws dug back in, only this time deeper. She hasn't changed, she won't change.

You will see if/when you cut off contact again this time, I'm sure there will be a freak-out of epic proportions.

slowmoe

Op i think everyone wants to lock you up away from this woman to save you from yourself. If you think she might be genuine at all then tell her to take a year apart to sort herself out. If she is genuinely trying to change she will be glad of the chance. If this is another manipulation technique expect resistance and tantrums. But seriously Op you're making a huge mistake. She made all the promises of change before to draw you back. She knows what she has to do either suicide threats or happy life promises. If you listen to one word of this rubbish you are condemning yourself to a non consensual life of submission to her psychotic control.