Lack of interest from boyfriend, is it over?

LegacyUser

I have been dating a wonderful man for the last 12 months. We're very affectionate always hugging and holding hands, and small affectionate kisses are normal for us. However we've not been sexually intimate or french kissed for the last few months. I've asked him why and he tells me he doesn't know, just he doesn't want to kiss me, or have sex, but he has suffered from depression in the past, and it might be this. (he always emphasizes it's not me, or bad breath or anything like that) Is it possible that it is something like depression, and if so, how would you deal with it? I care very deeply for him, and while I can forgo sex, the lack of kissing is beginning to get to me. However I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

roweeeeena

I would sit your partner down and tell him how the lack of intimacy is making you feel, tell him that you are prepared to be supportive and understanding, but that it is only fair in a respectful relationship that he acknowledges how being secretive about it would be upseting and damaging to you, that he agrees to be honest and open with you about what has changed and why, and that you can both look to solutions together from there. Just to add, depression certainly could lower his sex drive and make him feel less inclined for more passionate kissing (does not mean he loves you any less than before!), try to get him to see how talking to a GP about the changes in his sex drive and possible link to depression will be beneficial for both of you and the relationship as a whole.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I had this exact situation with one of my exes, we broke up and he came out shortly afterwards.

_dublinlad_

I honestly don't know about the depression thing so i'm not discounting it as a reason, it may well be. But, all I know is that when this happened to me before (a month or so of no kissing or sex), a breakup happened very shortly afterwards.

I would treat this as a major red flag that things are coming to the end. Sit the guy down and ask does he want to end it because you cant keep going on this way.

LegacyUser

Well worst case scenario - he could have gone off you, but there is no way that anyone is going to know that but him.

Or, a likely alternative, it genuinely could be depression. I have suffered from depression on and off for many years and one of the main ways that I now recognise when it is creeping up on me is a sudden aversion to any kind of physical intimacy. I fancy my girlfriend like mad, but when I start to get depressed and feel a bit "flat" I just cannot stand the idea of kissing her. I have no idea why that is, but kissing in particular just feels too close and too exposed and I just don't have any desire to do it.

If your boyfriend was feeling a bit flat, low, distant - basically any kind of depressed feeling that isn't the horrendous mental torture, but the more liveable feeling that creeps up on you slowly, he probably hasn't even noticed the change in himself and may just think how he is feeling is normal for him.

This is how I felt not too long ago, and only once I went back on my medication and suddenly felt okay again, did I realise that so many symptoms of my depression were just that - symptoms, as opposed to any inherent feelings in myself. As soon as I felt somewhat okay again, the aversion to physical intimacy immediately disappeared.

Talk to your boyfriend more. It is good that he is being open with you about what he doesn't want to do, rather than making excuses. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him to get help. If he is depressed, it is not his fault, but if he is in a relationship with you he needs to take responsibility for how this impacts you and owes it to you to take the necessary steps to tackle it.