only sibling has emigrated

LegacyUser

This might come across as very self-centered but here goes. My sister has emigrated to Australia a year ago, and she's having a great time (she's 27, I'm 31). She hated it here and couldn't get a job so now she's gone, and recently told me she never wants to come back, even though she misses her family and friends she has a better lifestyle and opportunities. Our mother is on her own, as our father passed away ten years ago. She needs someone around because she doesn't have any other family or many friends. We also have very little money in the family and I help mam out when I can financially, but I'm in low paid work. The problem is I feel worried about the future, because now my sister has gone the job of taking care of mam will be left up to me. Mam has some health problems, although nothing serious, it just makes life quite difficult for her and I feel more comfortable knowing I am around if she needs me. I told my sister my worries but she says we have to 'live our lives' and can't be sitting around Ireland with no opportunities because in the long run that'll be worse for everyone. I understand where she's coming from but I still feel abandoned and think her attitude is a bit unrealistic. I know I'll be the one left picking up the pieces because that's kind of the way things have always been. She's always thought of herself first and I've always been the dependable, boring one who sorts things out!! Anyone any advice? How can I stop feeling worried about the future?

Boombastic

unregistered wrote: »

This might come across as very self-centered but here goes. My sister has emigrated to Australia a year ago, and she's having a great time (she's 27, I'm 31). She hated it here and couldn't get a job so now she's gone, and recently told me she never wants to come back, even though she misses her family and friends she has a better lifestyle and opportunities. Our mother is on her own, as our father passed away ten years ago. She needs someone around because she doesn't have any other family or many friends. We also have very little money in the family and I help mam out when I can financially, but I'm in low paid work. The problem is I feel worried about the future, because now my sister has gone the job of taking care of mam will be left up to me. Mam has some health problems, although nothing serious, it just makes life quite difficult for her and I feel more comfortable knowing I am around if she needs me. I told my sister my worries but she says we have to 'live our lives' and can't be sitting around Ireland with no opportunities because in the long run that'll be worse for everyone. I understand where she's coming from but I still feel abandoned and think her attitude is a bit unrealistic. I know I'll be the one left picking up the pieces because that's kind of the way things have always been. She's always thought of herself first and I've always been the dependable, boring one who sorts things out!! Anyone any advice? How can I stop feeling worried about the future?

I have to agree with your sister, you do have 'to live your lives'. You will only be 'left picking up the pieces',if you choose to be. It might seem harsh.

kylith

Your sister cannot sit in Ireland, unemployed, because you don't want to have to look after your mother on your own. You say that she always thinks of herself, well, who else is she supposed to think of? She has to make sure that she has a roof over her own head, money in her own bank account, and food in her own fridge, and she had to emigrate to have those things.

I'm sorry if you feel that you've been left with everything, but perhaps you could discuss with your sister whether she could make a contribution toward some home help for your mother so that you don't feel that you have to look after her all the time.

strandroad

I see your point OP. Your sister's life is better over there and she has the right to live wherever she prefers so she's right on this count, but nevertheless she should feel and display some responsibility towards your mother once she needs help.
I am the one who emigrated while my siblings stayed and although thankfully my dad's health is good so far I am aware that when the time comes I will be contributing more financially as they will have more hands-on duties. It's one of the reasons why I'm planning ahead in terms of my career etc., I am also closer than your sister is and I will have to keep it this way.
Your sister should have the decency to talk to you about what your mother needs and how you can both contribute, taking your different lifestyles/locations into account.

December2012

I would say the issue is your mothers. She shouldn't be relying on you so much that it impedes your life if her health issues are minor.

Has she friends? A social circle?

Have you enquired about home help firm the Dept for her?

You live your own life.

LegacyUser

I have some idea how you feel but your sister can't sit in Ireland with no job and no future in order to mind your mother.
Also why does your mother need someone around always if she only has some minor health problems?
I know your father died a number of years ago but you need to encourage your mother to get involved with some groups or organisations where she can meet and make some new friends of her own age. This is will get her out of the house and improve her quality of life.

I would give you the advice that you don't make your mothers needs and health problems the basis on how you live your life going forward. You have told us your in a low paying job.
Are you looking for a better job at the moment or have you decided to stay where you are due to your mother?

I have a friend who is now in her early 40's who put her parents first in every decision she made. She is now in a stressful job and spends her free time doing what her domineering mother wants.

You need to work on making your own life beyond what suits your mother and sister.
If your mother needs help due to health issues I would contact her doctor as you may be able to get the help of a public health nurse or home help.
Also you need to tell your sister that in the future you will need her help or money if it is a case your mother health gets worse.

maryk123

I can relate a little to this I have a sibling abroad and my husband has also and in ways it's the easy get out to me. They visit maybe once a year and feel that's their duty done. Whereas the child here gets to do all the things you do for your parents that raised you and helped you through life. Recently one of my parents was in hospital and I visited and two elderly patients next to him raving about their son the doctor their daughter the teacher and had anyone visited and helped them not in your life. I think it's got to the stage that people don't care they just get on with their own lives and say well Mary is at home she can do it. what I am not saying is that people shouldn't travel of course they should however, they should sometimes take a look at what others in their family are doing and maybe give them a break every now and then.

LegacyUser

thank you everyone for the replies, I know I shouldn't feel bitter towards my sister for leaving and doing whats best for her. At the same time, while everyone is entitled to their opinion and maybe everyone's lives are different, I'm a bit surprised at the coldness of people's attitude towards my mothers situation. Not that any of you know my mam, of course not, so you don't owe her anything, but it worries me that people are in general so unfeeling about what might be their own parents situations one day. Mam raised us, through great difficulties, and suffered a massive trauma when dad died. I owe her more than just sending a home help to call in on her every now and then. It's not a case of doing the minimum for your parents - at least it shouldn't be. This is totally off topic but I am concerned with the level of responsibility people around me feel for their parents as they get older - i.e. minimum responsibility. I think this 'do what's best for you' attitude is quite selfish and I'd hope that people wouldn't be like that if, or when, their parents need them. I know it was my problem and I these answers were just trying to give me advice, and I appreciate that, I just hope that ye consider that our parents raised us and we do, actually, owe them something. Mam always says to do whats best for me and live my life, which I will try to - she's not trying to keep me around - but at the same time I know she has nobody else right now she can rely on. Leaving it up to the state to send some stranger around to call in on her would be insulting.

iusedtoknow

I have these thoughts, but from the other side.
I am the one that is abroad, have been gone from Ireland nearly 8 years, and have 1 sibling still in the same city I grew up in (married with a child on the way, good job etc)

We actually have discussed this quite openly when we are together. She is more than happy to pull her weight caring for them WHEN they are older. At the moment, they are pretty healthy (normal aches and pains of 60 something in a damp climate) however we both know that a time will come when more help is needed.

Fortunately, they planned ahead as regards pensions etc and recently paid off the house. However, they will eventually start needing more assistance. My sister is not doing too much at the moment as she has quite a busy life and my parents are pretty active, however she is around, just in case.

We came to an agreement that when more assistance is needed that we will split things, she will take on more of the physical burdan and I more on the financial side.

Why did we do this? Logistics. She and her husbands parents all live in Cork - my wife is Spanish, and she has familial responsibilities too that we need to take into account- at the moment, we live in a 3rd country, and want to stay, but know that the time may come when we need to move back. But we aren't planning too much for that, as both sets have at least another 10 years (woe betide anything happening) before more help would be needed (my parents are just back from a 3 week roadtrip around the US, wifes mother (her father passed away 3 years ago) is just about to go Argentina to see her son/DIL and new baby

You can't sit around and wait for this to happen, your mother is her own independent being, she raised you and your sister the same way. Live your life and talk about it with your sibling, not a blame/martyr type of conversation but an open one - talk about what could happen in the next few years. Recognise that you both need to play a part, but support doesn't always have to be physical.

Neyite

unregistered wrote: »

thank you everyone for the replies, I know I shouldn't feel bitter towards my sister for leaving and doing whats best for her. At the same time, while everyone is entitled to their opinion and maybe everyone's lives are different, I'm a bit surprised at the coldness of people's attitude towards my mothers situation. Not that any of you know my mam, of course not, so you don't owe her anything, but it worries me that people are in general so unfeeling about what might be their own parents situations one day. Mam raised us, through great difficulties, and suffered a massive trauma when dad died. I owe her more than just sending a home help to call in on her every now and then. It's not a case of doing the minimum for your parents - at least it shouldn't be. This is totally off topic but I am concerned with the level of responsibility people around me feel for their parents as they get older - i.e. minimum responsibility. I think this 'do what's best for you' attitude is quite selfish and I'd hope that people wouldn't be like that if, or when, their parents need them. I know it was my problem and I these answers were just trying to give me advice, and I appreciate that, I just hope that ye consider that our parents raised us and we do, actually, owe them something. Mam always says to do whats best for me and live my life, which I will try to - she's not trying to keep me around - but at the same time I know she has nobody else right now she can rely on. Leaving it up to the state to send some stranger around to call in on her would be insulting.

I'm guessing that your mother could be anywhere between her fifites and her seventies. She is not infirm that you say, just some health problems and living alone and sometimes short of cash. She could live another 30 -40 years.

Now is the best time for your sister to forge a career base while your mother is still relatively fit and young. She can build up her CV, promotional prospects, gain valuable experience living abroad, and maybe in a few years, her outlook will change a little - she may get a bit homesick, or the economy at home might have perked up and she can return to a great position in Ireland. Far better now, than a decade or score down the line when your mother gets older and less able.

I think you are actually being very judgemental - there are many ways that you can support a parent and you dont need to sacrifice your career. In fact, I think my parents would be horrified if I threw away the education they worked so hard to ensure I got by not going for potential opportunities that they hoped I would get, that they never had. Its a parent thing.

I have siblings on the other side of the world that skype my remaining parent several times a week - getting in touch far more than I do, and I live near. Yet I do other stuff, practical stuff, that they cant do for her, so it balances out. One would love to come home, but cant for various reasons, the other swore blind a couple of years ago that they would never return, and is now making noises about coming home.

I agree with your sister - and incidentally with your mother.

December2012

Well my mother wants us all to be happy and independent and doesn't want to be a social or care taking burden on us.

It's not coldness.

It's just practicality.

Plus it's good for your mother to socialise and make a life for herself - she possibly doesn't want to live through you as much as you don't want to be shouldering too much through her.

iusedtoknow

unregistered wrote: »

thank you everyone for the replies, I know I shouldn't feel bitter towards my sister for leaving and doing whats best for her. At the same time, while everyone is entitled to their opinion and maybe everyone's lives are different, I'm a bit surprised at the coldness of people's attitude towards my mothers situation. Not that any of you know my mam, of course not, so you don't owe her anything, but it worries me that people are in general so unfeeling about what might be their own parents situations one day. Mam raised us, through great difficulties, and suffered a massive trauma when dad died. I owe her more than just sending a home help to call in on her every now and then. It's not a case of doing the minimum for your parents - at least it shouldn't be. This is totally off topic but I am concerned with the level of responsibility people around me feel for their parents as they get older - i.e. minimum responsibility. I think this 'do what's best for you' attitude is quite selfish and I'd hope that people wouldn't be like that if, or when, their parents need them. I know it was my problem and I these answers were just trying to give me advice, and I appreciate that, I just hope that ye consider that our parents raised us and we do, actually, owe them something. Mam always says to do whats best for me and live my life, which I will try to - she's not trying to keep me around - but at the same time I know she has nobody else right now she can rely on. Leaving it up to the state to send some stranger around to call in on her would be insulting.

I reflected a bit on this comment, and as someone due to become a parent in a few months, this makes me shudder.

I would hate it if my child thought he/she owed me anything. We are having a child out a desire to reproduce and start our own family, not out the hope that he/she will take care of us in our dotage, and I sincerely hope that they don't feel like they owe us anything. We planned for it...it didn't plan on us.

You should want to do these things for your Mam out of a sense of love, not out of a sense of debt to them.

I really think you should listen to your Mam, go out and live your life for now - should the need arise, then of course be there to help. There is a catalan saying that my MIL said to us when we spoke to her about us moving to the US - "a sense of debt is a stone around your neck", don't sentence yourself to that.

ash23

OP I am a single parent. I am only 30 and my daughter is 10 but it's been just the pair of us for the most part.
I have a long term illness which will most likely result in being fairly dependent as I get older.

I would hate for my daughter to give up her life to care for me or to feel obliged to care for me. I would much prefer to see her go and live her life. Of course I'd love her to visit. But I don't want her to be my carer. Absolutely no way will I allow that to happen.

Have you even spoken to your mother about what she wants? Very few parents want their children to be anything but happy and independent.
If or when the time comes for my arse to be wiped for me, I would be much more comfortable with a stranger who is being paid to do it helping me than my own child.

Your mother has told you what she wants for you. You are choosing to be a martyr and ignore what your mother wants because of your perception of it. And as a result you are bitter about being landed with the responsibility.

Hear your mother out. Come to some solution which will mean everyone is happy and well cared for.