can never defend myself

LegacyUser

hi there i can never be assertive. in fact i seem to have no temper whatsoever. i think its because i came from a family where everything lead to a major argument. 90% (more actually ) of our conversation would turn out bad. even mentioning something in a jokey or totally neutral manner would turn out bad. even if was only explaining something it would be seen as starting an argument. but now i can never defend myself even if i am accused in the wrong i don't even correct the other person. i am very passive aggressive and tend to hold grudges. how can i change? has anyone else been like this?

Kevster

Hey, I was very much as you describe yourself. To this day, I'm still a bit like that and have to consciously remind myself to be more talkative and assertive. I'm 30 years old now.

Two things can help:

1, Ensure that you have an outlet for when you are frustrated. This can be a sibling in whom you can confide, a website (such as Boards or another specificaly for mental health issues) where you can 'vent', or something else.

2, Train yourself to be assertive. Tell yourself that it's okay to be authoritative and cruel, at times (and within reason), when in the long term it will be positive.

Obviously I'm not suggesting that you all-of-a-sudden begin arguing with people - no - but things like debating and trying to get your opinion across - even on online forums - can help you.

Take care,
Kevin

BerryBlue

I think being assertive and being defensive are two very different things. I grew up in a very repressive environment and am the same when it comes to sticking up for myself, handling any kind of confrontation or being treated badly. I'm more likely to stay quiet & be a doormat, which leads to me feeling so awful and not knowing what else to do, behaving sometimes in a passive aggressive manner and being angry at myself for not being strong enough to put these people in their place - wish i wasn't like this, but I am, so I'm trying to find ways to deal with it & be differently so I can be happier.

Some of the things I've learned that might be helpful - first I'm reading an amazing book called 'wolf in sheeps clothing' - basically recognising bullies and how to deal with them. Another great thing I've heard is when someone says something that your not happy with to straight away say, 'excuse me can you repeat that' - if its an insult they are less likely to repeat it with as much conviction, or to even repeat it at all. OR, if they repeat it, you can feed it back to them saying 'Am I clear on what you mean, you think I'm whatever, is that right??' - because if they are being insulting or rude - then you can clearly know, rather than it just being insinuated & them not actually meaning what you heard - if that makes sense. Its also good to get a bit of a 'retort' bank for yourself - have a few comeback lines for particular situations.

Also, I think you need to try to let go of the fear of how other people respond when you voice your feelings / thoughts - you've said you can say benign things, or say something in a neutral manner & they will fly off the handle - prepare yourself for that when this happens that its ok, its not YOU, its THEM - everyone is entitled to voice their feelings and opinions without it being stuffed back down their throat. If someone is reacting that way, you need to fully see that they are the one with the issue and not you!

I not sure if I'm being clear on what I want to say - I'm struggling with the same issue and its not easy, but you have to try different things to overcome this. Its soul destroying to have your voice taken away and being in fear of speaking up.

saltyporridge

BerryBlue wrote: »

I think being assertive and being defensive are two very different things. I grew up in a very repressive environment and am the same when it comes to sticking up for myself, handling any kind of confrontation or being treated badly. I'm more likely to stay quiet & be a doormat, which leads to me feeling so awful and not knowing what else to do, behaving sometimes in a passive aggressive manner and being angry at myself for not being strong enough to put these people in their place - wish i wasn't like this, but I am, so I'm trying to find ways to deal with it & be differently so I can be happier.

Some of the things I've learned that might be helpful - first I'm reading an amazing book called 'wolf in sheeps clothing' - basically recognising bullies and how to deal with them. Another great thing I've heard is when someone says something that your not happy with to straight away say, 'excuse me can you repeat that' - if its an insult they are less likely to repeat it with as much conviction, or to even repeat it at all. OR, if they repeat it, you can feed it back to them saying 'Am I clear on what you mean, you think I'm whatever, is that right??' - because if they are being insulting or rude - then you can clearly know, rather than it just being insinuated & them not actually meaning what you heard - if that makes sense. Its also good to get a bit of a 'retort' bank for yourself - have a few comeback lines for particular situations.

Also, I think you need to try to let go of the fear of how other people respond when you voice your feelings / thoughts - you've said you can say benign things, or say something in a neutral manner & they will fly off the handle - prepare yourself for that when this happens that its ok, its not YOU, its THEM - everyone is entitled to voice their feelings and opinions without it being stuffed back down their throat. If someone is reacting that way, you need to fully see that they are the one with the issue and not you!

I not sure if I'm being clear on what I want to say - I'm struggling with the same issue and its not easy, but you have to try different things to overcome this. Its soul destroying to have your voice taken away and being in fear of speaking up.

I'm not the OP but struggle with the same kind of issue. I never (over decades, never mind years) thought to respond as you suggest. Your post makes perfect sense - thank you.