scared & confused

so scared

Hi its my first time posting on anything so here it goes.....I'm hoping to get some advice. I'm 30 married to a wonderful man who I love very very much & we have a beautiful 1yr old son. For the past 4years I've been struggling with the thought "im gay" I've been to see therapists & been on medication as they told me I'd ocd. It would go away for a while and I would be very happy but then the thoughts would come back & cause me huge anxiety. More recently my therapist said she's sorry for a possible wrong diagnosis but she doesn't think its ocd! I love my husband & I'm attracted to him, I fantasize about both men & women

so scared

I got cut off or something there & couldn'. Finish my post sorry its all a bit messy. Ok i was saying I fantasize about both men & women, I'm attracted to my husband & enjoy sex with him but I just can't shake this thought/feeling I'm gay. I don't understand it if I like guys why do I feel like this?? I can't eat, sleep to be honest I feel suicidal. I just want this to go away & be happy in the life I have. Please post back someone I feel so scared & alone.

GoOnYouDirt

It's OK to be attracted to both men & women, you don't have to be scared about it! Fantasizing about people is perfectly natural also. Seems maybe you are bisexual if you are fantasizing about both sexes. Which is perfectly OK. Is there any way you could speak about it with your husband? If you think your husband would understand try talking about it OR a close friend who also knows your husband. Once you speak about these things they often have a habit of becoming less scary!

GoOnYouDirt

Just read the second post there sorry! If you are feeling suicidal you should consult your doctor/therapist/counsellor immediately... They can help you through what you are feeling and help you get better! Also if you ever want to just talk feel free to Private Message if you like.

so scared

Thank you for replying! I'm seeing a therapist at the moment she says I'm probably bi & there's a scale so there's no reason my life has to change. My unbeliveable husband knows all about this he's so supportive he says we'll work it out watever happens that he'll be gutted if I was gay but its ok. He also says he doesn't understand how I don't know wat I am that if I was gay is just know it. But i honesty ddon't know sometimes like right now I think im def gay & then I hug my husband & think I can't be gay! I keep going over & over it trying to get an answer but the only one I want & that I'm happy with is "im not gay" then I think oh no am I just in denial?? I don't know wat to do!

GoOnYouDirt

It's great that your husband is so understanding and supportive! Honestly it sounds like you're bisexual! Maybe your just scared that if you allow yourself to feel attracted to women you think you might turn gay altogether!? Being bisexual is OK.. Maybe you have these feelings because you haven't experienced being with a woman? Or have you? Sorry I'm assuming a lot here! (Don't mean to!!)

so scared

I've never even kissed a girl. Its just a feeling I have in me "im gay" but I don't want to be so badly I feel I have to get a clear ans soon as I can't keep saying no I'm not gay I'm happy with our life & then 6mths ltr saying I don't know! Its not fair to my husband

GoOnYouDirt

Gosh, you really are having a rough time of it. Maybe if you and your husband thought about introducing a third party? Or something along those lines? I know it's not to everyone's taste but it might at least let you know whether you like it or not. Just putting it out there!

so scared

Na that's not for us:-) id hate another woman with him, I just don't know what I'm gonna do. Thanks for replying to me tho!

GoOnYouDirt

You're welcome.... Really hope things work out! As I said my PM is open if ever you want it...

so scared

Thanks!

floggg

OP i think part of the problem is that you are only allowing yourself be happy with the one answer which seems least likely - i.e. that you are 100% straight.


Instead of focusing on what you aren't or what you would like to be, why not try a different angle and think about how you might deal with things if you were.

Obviously I can't say what you are in terms of straight, gay or bisexual, but if the pointers indicate bisexual for you, why not try and come to terms with that.

If you are bisexual, then nothing has to change in your relationship - it doesn't mean you have to leave your husband or start a same sex relationship. But if you could accept it, it would take away the anxiety and what ifs for you.

Your husband sounds like he's supportive of you, and I'm sure he would like to try and be a support for you as much as he can. From that point of you, it sounds like you don't have much to worry from him.

so scared

Ya he's amazing. I'm trying to accept being bi but then I get scared & think no ur gay & in denial being bi is just a step on the way to being gay. I then try saying its ok that I'm gay I feel happy for a few mins then I feel sick about it. I know my family would accept me cause they love me but I can't accept it myself.

MusicR

You just need to realise that even if you are bisexual or gay, you'll still be the exact same person as you are right now. Being gay/bi doesn't change your personality, or anything about you other than the fact that you are attracted to both men and women. That's it. No big deal. You just need to contextualise "being gay/bi" and realise that it isn't something that you should feel suicidal over, as you say. If you are bi, try and let yourself to accept that. Remember that there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. If you are gay, there is also nothing wrong with that. As you say, your husband is extremely supportive and you two would have to deal with that accordingly. Don't fear being gay or bi. Let yourself think about it and you'll realise that it doesn't change who you are in the slightest (other than you being attracted to both sexes or just the same sex).

so scared

Thank you, I'm not sure what I am I think I'm bi because if I think about leaving my husband to pursue a same sex relationship for a while then icould see myself wanting to go back to him which obviously he wouldn't do after that so is it just a case of trying to accept that I'm bi but also accepting that ill never pursue it as I want to stay with my husband?? The thought of being gay fills me with such anxiety so maybe that's not for me? I'm also terrified if I was gay how that would affect my family esp my son growing up. And honestly how can I know for sure if I've never even kissed a woman? Sorry I know I'm probably repeating myself but these questions just go round & round in my head all day!

GoOnYouDirt

No need to be sorry. Well if the thought of your family is getting you very down, the only way to think of it is, they'll have to get over it. Harsh I know, but they just will. Your son won't be the only young man to grow up in these circumstances.... You are still his mother, you gave birth to him, so why would your orientation matter. It doesn't... It's that simple. Your orientation is NO ONE else's business because you can't change it, it really is that simple. It probably would come as a shock at first, but they most likely would get over it. It's not theirs, it's yours!

so scared

Kkkkkklppppw. I know they would + theyre such a loving & supportive family but I can't help feeling bad if I put them through that too but it'd be worse if I did something silly. I've been really just trying to relax & go with d flow about this & I that I'm def bi (still hard to say that). I feel I've also come to the conclusion I'm not willing to give up my marraige for something that may or may not be for me. Being totally honest with myself I'd love to be with a woman but I want to spend my life with a man. So I think I have to accept that I may never get to explore that side of myself but who knows wat will happen life's full of uncertainty.

Annasopra

Perhaps speaking to this group could be of help

http://marriedwomensgroupireland.weebly.com/index.html

so scared

Thank you ill definatley check it out! Thanks for all the support!!

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Aw it sounds like you are really struggling at the moment... but fair play for putting it out there and seeking advice. I think things like this can consume us... and make us obsess until we come to a conclusion about who we are. But the truth is regardless of the label of straight, gay or bi-sexual, you still are who you are.

you are self aware enough to have acknowledged that you are attracted to women, but have also acknowledged that you are attracted to your husband. But regardless of your final conclusion, you are still you, a good Mom and wife.

If this is something that continues to eat away at you, you should ask your husband if this is something you can explore with his blessing. No-one should feel suicidal in trying to sort out their feelings and the fact that you do feel like this says how bad you feel... which you shouldn't, as you haven't done anything wrong.

I wish you the very best in trying to understand this better, but stop being so hard on yourself, because you have done absolutely nothing wrong .

so scared

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your post it was something I needed to hear. I do feel I've done wrong tho, my husband doesn't deserve this, I've been trying to accept all of this but its so hard. I want to do the right thing by everyone but I feel so scared. I don't know what the right thing is. I mostly feel its separating but then we have such a good life together too. It would be great except for the feeling in the pit of my stomach that somethings wrong, possibly I'm a fake. Its about more than sex I'm starting to realise that now because if I put just to that then I could def stay. I am attracted to men. But this is about me. About who I truly am & I don't know how to get that ans. I never thought id end up like this. I always had such black & white morals. "you should always do the right thing by people" but if that's leaving & coming "out"...I don't think I have the courage for it.
Exploring this while married isn't an option for my h or for me, its just not something I could do.
Thank you for taking the time to read this