Is it too much too young?

SmithwicksMan1

First time posting here, but have been reading threads on this site for a long time! Finally come a time where I need help!

Basically, I've been with my girlfriend for three years now, we got together when we were 17 and now we are 20. The problem is I am slowly starting to doubt whether this is what I want when I could be out living and being as independent as I want to be. She is a fantastic girl and she really is so caring, thoughtful, would literally do anything for me. I sort of feel that she loves me more than I love her. The past few months I have been feeling a bit different about the relationship. I'm not sure what came first though, I began to slowly change the way I feel about the relationship, or started to think that I just want to be independent and literally do things on a whim. Like I said, she is great and we get on so well, but in the past few months, the little things are starting to get to me, and I think this is due to the other thoughts I'm having too. If I'd met her at 25 or something, she would definitely be the girl to marry, but I feel like I should be out and just being more dependent. I feel really crap thinking like this and looking at her differently, because she is a great girl, but I just wonder if it is the right thing to do, in breaking up and experiencing life a bit more. It's my first love, would I regret more not experiencing things I want to, or in a few years realising how great she is and how much I regret breaking up with her? I feel crappy about it But she is really great, but I think I'm falling outta love with her thinking like this, and I know it'll kill her

bp

Be careful of the grass being greener on the other side. There have been plenty of posts about breaking up for six months and then missing what you had. What happens when you hear this great girl has a new guy that isn't you!

Then again people change A LOT as they leave their teens and enter their 20s and not necessarily in the same way (some do, some don't).

No one here can tell you what to do, it is for you to decide, just think it through and maybe take a holiday with your friends and her with hers (not 'on a break') just time apart but not broken up to see how you feel.

Good luck either way

tbh

SmithwicksMan1 wrote: »

First time posting here, but have been reading threads on this site for a long time! Finally come a time where I need help!

Brass tacks here. If your girlfriend said that for the next six months you could sleep with any girl you wanted, and you knew there would be a good number of girls who would sleep with you, and after the six months you and your girlfriend would get back together and everything would be grand, would you take that option?

XxMCRxBabyxX

When you talk about being more independent, how do you feel your independence is atm? Are you two very dependent on each other or can you do your own thing when you want to? Do you feel like you have your own life atm?

loveisdivine

I was with my first love from the ages of 16 to 21 and I so wish I had'nt been so I could have done more. Don't get me wrong, I loved the guy, but when I look back I realise that after a couple of years that love had gone, but we stuck together because it was all we knew and we were scared of breaking up ya know?

I made up for it when we finally did break up, but there were opportunities I missed out on that I kinda regret.

At your age, if you are having doubts and you want to go off and experience a different kind of life then I say go for it! You are young enough that you will meet someone else.

SmithwicksMan1

bp wrote: »

Be careful of the grass being greener on the other side. There have been plenty of posts about breaking up for six months and then missing what you had. What happens when you hear this great girl has a new guy that isn't you!

Then again people change A LOT as they leave their teens and enter their 20s and not necessarily in the same way (some do, some don't).

No one here can tell you what to do, it is for you to decide, just think it through and maybe take a holiday with your friends and her with hers (not 'on a break') just time apart but not broken up to see how you feel.

Good luck either way

I don't think it's a case of grass is greener. Maybe it is I don't know. I am starting to wonder maybe if I just don't feel in love with her as much anymore. Even if she is great, and I do love her, I don't know if I'm in love with her. I'm starting to feel maybe the reason I'm staying with her is the fear of hurting her, as I know she has been through a lot before she met me, and she openly admits I helped her through it.

tbh wrote: »

Brass tacks here. If your girlfriend said that for the next six months you could sleep with any girl you wanted, and you knew there would be a good number of girls who would sleep with you, and after the six months you and your girlfriend would get back together and everything would be grand, would you take that option?

As I am feeling now, no. I don't think it's a case of just wanting to sleep with other girls. However, when I've been out recently, and have had girls come on to me, I have obviously told them no and said I've a gf, but I have started to think jesus am I missing out on experiences. That is what is making me feel that I don't feel the same way about her as I once did.

XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »

When you talk about being more independent, how do you feel your independence is atm? Are you two very dependent on each other or can you do your own thing when you want to? Do you feel like you have your own life atm?

I am very independent. I have a good social life and a good group of friends and play sports. However, I think she is a bit dependent on me. She has a few close friends, but not many, and if there's ever anything she wants to do, she'd always ask me to go along, not that I mind, but I'm just showing that I would be a bit more independent.

loveisdivine wrote: »

I was with my first love from the ages of 16 to 21 and I so wish I had'nt been so I could have done more. Don't get me wrong, I loved the guy, but when I look back I realise that after a couple of years that love had gone, but we stuck together because it was all we knew and we were scared of breaking up ya know?

I made up for it when we finally did break up, but there were opportunities I missed out on that I kinda regret.

At your age, if you are having doubts and you want to go off and experience a different kind of life then I say go for it! You are young enough that you will meet someone else.

Yeah this is what I am thinking and thanks for posting. She is great, and if this happened at like 28 or something I think I'd be a hell of a lot more happier, and the feelings I am feeling now wouldn't be there. Maybe it is time I just let her go.

Carlowgirl

SmithwicksMan1 wrote: »

I don't think it's a case of grass is greener. Maybe it is I don't know. I am starting to wonder maybe if I just don't feel in love with her as much anymore. Even if she is great, and I do love her, I don't know if I'm in love with her. I'm starting to feel maybe the reason I'm staying with her is the fear of hurting her, as I know she has been through a lot before she met me, and she openly admits I helped her through it.



As I am feeling now, no. I don't think it's a case of just wanting to sleep with other girls. However, when I've been out recently, and have had girls come on to me, I have obviously told them no and said I've a gf, but I have started to think jesus am I missing out on experiences. That is what is making me feel that I don't feel the same way about her as I once did.




I am very independent. I have a good social life and a good group of friends and play sports. However, I think she is a bit dependent on me. She has a few close friends, but not many, and if there's ever anything she wants to do, she'd always ask me to go along, not that I mind, but I'm just showing that I would be a bit more independent.



Yeah this is what I am thinking and thanks for posting. She is great, and if this happened at like 28 or something I think I'd be a hell of a lot more happier, and the feelings I am feeling now wouldn't be there. Maybe it is time I just let her go.

I am a woman and sometimes I think I get a case of "the grass is greener" my boyfriend is so thoughtful.. and considerate and nice that I think I take him for granted... we always socialise together and I started to miss going out for a night on the town with my friends..i had one weekend at home with my friends recently and realised that I am not missing much or actually anything... pub life is no substitute for a caring relationship in my opinion

Meller

There is no right or wrong answer to this... some people will tell you that there's no point having any serious relationship young, but of course it's not as straightforward as that or nobody would be in that situation. Being in such a relationship suits some personalities while being totally independent suits others.

It's a completely individual choice - there is no universal you should/you shouldn't. Don't leave the relationship just because you feel like you *should* by some socially approved myth, or because of some airy fairy ideals you may have about being young and free, etc. Because while that works for some, it's not necessarily right for everyone. There is no one size fits all for any situation in life. Don't just assume you're missing out on some intangible thing - think about what you're *actually* missing out on, and whether it's better for you.

Your worries seem to go a bit deeper than this though, as you no longer feel as strongly for this girl. So it's very possible that she just isn't right for you anymore, and this particular relationship has run its course.

I do think we are often under the illusion of the grass is greener, though, especially concerning this topic and young people. There are so many things that young people are apparently 'supposed' to be doing, but there couldn't be more diversity among the young people that I know... sure, some are out living up to the popular stereotypes, but there are plenty that aren't! Not everyone under the age of 25 is massively outgoing and gaining 'experiences' via having lots of sex. There's too much pressure to be this way. Relationships ARE a trade-off, no doubt, but so is everything: I don't think they're as constricting to all young people as they're made out to be sometimes.

CuriousG

I got with my boyfriend at 17 and at 20 we are still together, and still very strong, especially for such a young couple. Most people have the idea that if you met young, you won't stay together, which I understand, but it isn't always the case. My grandparents, parents and most married coupls I have known all met extremely young and are still together to this day. It works for some, doesn't for others. It depends on the individual maturity of the people involved and especially what you want from life.

I think the most important thing in a relationship is to be yourselves, but together. If she is dependent on you, encourage her to go out and do more things, and do things on your own aswell.

Please don't just give up because of that, it might seem like a bad patch now that you cannot do what you want etc, but think back to before you were together - obviously something made you want to be together, and not be alone.

In almost every situation like this I have seen, it is definitely a case of the grass is greener. You may regret it in years to come if you feel that serious about this girl, then again you may not. Only you know how you feel, but my opinion is, just talk to her and explain that you feel you should do different things.

When you meet someone so young you grow together and may grow inwards rather than outwards, you have to keep your personality, along with sharing it with someone. It may be hard, but it won't be impossible if you work on it. It will be worth it in the long run if that's what you are in it for. If not, then you need to decide what happens before leading this girl on for the long haul and hurting her feelings.

Do what you feel to at the end of the day.

CuriousG

Meller wrote: »

I do think we are often under the illusion of the grass is greener, though, especially concerning this topic and young people. There are so many things that young people are apparently 'supposed' to be doing, but there couldn't be more diversity among the young people that I know... sure, some are out living up to the popular stereotypes, but there are plenty that aren't! Not everyone under the age of 25 is massively outgoing and gaining 'experiences' via having lots of sex. There's too much pressure to be this way. Relationships ARE a trade-off, no doubt, but so is everything: I don't think they're as constricting to all young people as they're made out to be sometimes.

Cannot agree with this more. No ones life is set in stone, if you don't like going out partying and sleeping with a lot of people - don't do it! I personally hate doing that stuff, and have fun in other ways. I will admit it makes it harder to make friends at times, because young people generally center their social lives on sex and partying only and not much else, but we aren't all like that, and there are definitely a lot of younger people that actually have more cop on than people in their 30s+. Don't do anything just because it's 'what is done'... Live for yourself.

leewarden

I think you are young still and life is to be lived and you want to be living it.

My honest feeling is if you are feeling this way maybe a break is a good idea.
Imagine staying with this girl with all the doubts and maybe resenting her for missed opportunities (not saying that is the reality, but it might be how you could feel) Is it better to take that break now or wait 5 or more years still feeling like that?

But a word of warning, don't expect to go live life and hope she will will be witing for you after cos chances are she won't.

CuriousG

leewarden wrote: »

I think you are young still and life is to be lived and you want to be living it.

I just don't understand why you can't live life AND be with someone? Why does being with multiple people have to be the only way to live life????? If you can't have fun with who you are with, then yes, it is not the right person for you. I am sick of people saying you have to be single to have fun, not everyone wants to sleep around, how is that fun?

leewarden

CuriousG wrote: »

I just don't understand why you can't live life AND be with someone? Why does being with multiple people have to be the only way to live life????? If you can't have fun with who you are with, then yes, it is not the right person for you. I am sick of people saying you have to be single to have fun, not everyone wants to sleep around, how is that fun?

Never said sleep around, meant maybe travel, see a bit of the world, stand alone in life and make choices based on yourself, not on you as part of a couple.
I didn't think the OP had doubts because he wanted to sleep around, that is the slant other people are putting on it.

judgefudge

leewarden wrote: »

Never said sleep around, meant maybe travel, see a bit of the world, stand alone in life and make choices based on yourself, not on you as part of a couple.
I didn't think the OP had doubts because he wanted to sleep around, that is the slant other people are putting on it.

Yeah it seems like sleeping with other people is just one little aspect to why the Op wants to break up. I can understand wanting to be Independant, I mean you're only 20 and you've grown from being 17 to 20 with this girl. Everyone changes immensely in that time and there will be more changes to come.

I think OP that it sounds like you just want your space and some freedom and to figure out what you want to do with your twenties but you're afraid of hurting her. It's just a case of you need to suck it up and do it. She will be hurt of course, but she will get over it in time. You can't put her feelings before your own. Sounds selfish but it's better for everyone all round.

leewarden

judgefudge wrote: »

Yeah it seems like sleeping with other people is just one little aspect to why the Op wants to break up. I can understand wanting to be Independant, I mean you're only 20 and you've grown from being 17 to 20 with this girl. Everyone changes immensely in that time and there will be more changes to come.

I think OP that it sounds like you just want your space and some freedom and to figure out what you want to do with your twenties but you're afraid of hurting her. It's just a case of you need to suck it up and do it. She will be hurt of course, but she will get over it in time. You can't put her feelings before your own. Sounds selfish but it's better for everyone all round.

+1

Meller

leewarden wrote: »

Never said sleep around, meant maybe travel, see a bit of the world, stand alone in life and make choices based on yourself, not on you as part of a couple.
I didn't think the OP had doubts because he wanted to sleep around, that is the slant other people are putting on it.

I think it's sort of confused in the original post - it's half thinking that it's simply 'too much too young' and wanting to experience things with other girls, and half being less interested in his current g/f. Of course I think the latter is a very good reason to break-up; however, I think the former one might be a bit hasty, you shouldn't just do what society makes you think you should. Of course, it all depends on the person.

SmithwicksMan1

Thanks all for the replies.

Firstly, I've come to realise I think we're two different people in things we want to do. We really do click and get on really well, but while she never wants to really do the going out clubbing thing, it's something I like and I do like getting up and having a dance and having the craic. Like whenever there is a bday party, and she'd be staying in mine, we'd all be in the pub having a laugh but then when it's time to head on to the club at about 12:30, she wouldn't wanna go and I obviously can't leave her alone. I think it's these little things that are kind of building up and just making me want to be free. Meeting and attracting new girls isn't the big thing for me at all, yeah I do think about it a bit though because I am 21, and have only ever had one relationship, and never have I had a chance to be free and single.

Secondly, I do think that I amn't in love with her anymore. Like she is a great girl and would be a perfect wife in years to come, but I think my feelings on just missing out, being able to make decisions on a whim without having to cancel plans with her and the likes is something that I really think I want to experience. I think it's the fact I want to experience these things that has brought me to not feeling the same, and I just don't have the same feelings anymore.

I also feel I am a lot more outgoing than here. She would be shy and wouldn't really chat much to strangers at all. Whereas I have no problem striking up conversation with anyone and talking away. I see this at my friends parties we go to, where she doesn't really seem to strike conversations other than a few words, and it leaves me having to make sure she's not just sitting by herself for the night, so that she doesn't feel left out. Look, people are different, but even when she is talking to someone we both know, she would kind of turn to me when she is answering questions to make sure that she is correct in what she is saying. Where I'm thinking to myself, jesus you don't need me to help you answer everything, you have your own mind. Her family all got into relationships very young, her 3 brothers who are all older all are still with the people they met when they were 17/18, even though IMO, it's the wives who wear the pants in all of those relationships. I just think they and my gf too feel they need a bf in their life, whereas I'm happy as larry to just do my own independent thing.

Also, we wouldn't really have much proper conversations so to speak. As in she'd talk about her friends and who she met today and talk about what they've been upto and all. But we would never have a conversation about politics or the state of the country or whatever, or if we did, it'd just be me explaining it to her. I just think she is a bit boring now, which is sad after 3 years, but I think it's how I feel.

She is currently revising for a big exam coming up in a few weeks so I won't be saying anything for now. It does give me time to think and really set out this relationship in my head and whether I am truly happy, but I really do not think that I am, and I will just have to suck it up and do what needs to be done.