Where did life go?

LegacyUser

Am 35 year old female. And I dont know where my life went. Am so tired. Good things seem to happen other people, never me. Am not looking for things to fall into my lap, I dont even know how that would feel. Everything I have (education and a job) I worked very hard for.

I live at home. Money, fortunately isnt an issue for me. Thats probably the only thing I got. Not enough to buy a house. But enough to be comfortable. I do go on holidays/travel, but most of the time alone.

My job is a good one, but it is very stressful.

I have some good friends (3 including my sister), but they live in different parts of the country, one abroad, and are living their lives (marriage/babies etc). I dont have a pool of friends with whom I could go out with. I cant remember the last Friday or Saturday night I went out. Sometimes I go out with work crowd, but they are all younger than me, and wouldnt really call any of them friends. My weekends involve just staying in, watching tv.

Am single. I would like to meet someone, if I was fortunate enough to meet the right person, have a family, but it seems it may not happen. Am single for the last 4 years. Met 2 guys during this time that I liked, but didnt reciprocate back. Online dating, I tried. Wasnt for me.

The weird thing is that everyone seems to think Ive a great life. I look like I take care of myself (I dont really). I drive a new car. I can afford the best of things. But what does that mean when the rest of my life is a mess? When I am with people, am the life and soul. Like a cover. But noone knows (my sister probably) how sad I am. No friends. As said, I dont mind being on my own, I do enjoy my own company, but this is taking the biscuit.

I dont know what to do. I feel so stuck and unhappy. Ive tried to join clubs. Gyms. I just dont know why it is so hard. Life is ticking away. Nothing good had happened me in so long, I dont even know what that feels like anymore.

Is it too late for me?

Nuttzz

I dont think its too late for you.

You've tried to join clubs etc, why hasnt that worked out for you, are you quiet or shy? Meeting two guys in 4 years who were not interested in you is not really something, there are plenty of people in the past who had no interest in me but if I stopped looking then I'd never of met anyone.

Join a club, do a night course, look at meetup.com for events you like, the guys are out there, you just need to look in the right spot

fits

Try and find something you might be passionate about and go out and do it, not just for the sake of it, or just to meet people but because you really love it.

It might take some trial and error but everyone has something...

BerryBlue

NO - ITS NEVER TOO LATE!! At any age, plus 35 is still quite young....

It sounds to me like you're extremely bored and life is like ground hog day. Yes, your fortunate and have a lots of great things going for you. But the bottom line is your not happy, your unfulfilled and lonely. And that's a ****ty place to be..

But unless you do something, you will be 40 one day saying, where did the last five years go, god I'd love to be 35 again.

I could list off a ream of things for you to do - all the usual suggestions - and it sounds like you have tried, but then given up cause it didn't fulfill what you needed. But you can't stop searching, just cause one thing didn't work, dosn't mean the next thing wont.... nothing is every going to come knocking on your door giving you what you need, you have to go out and get it. I know you've tried internet dating & it didn't work - but feck it what have you got to lose trying it again - theres loads of people out there who want to meet someone, it just gets harder as you get older and I think dating sites are great..

Other than that I don't know what the solution could be. I can really relate to your situation, I havn't found any magic answer yet, but the key is to not lose hope that things can turn around and don't stop trying.

Merkin

Why, if you have plenty of money and are solvent are you choosing to live at home at the age of 35?

Meauldsegosha

You say you are comfortable money wise, have a good job and can afford a new car. Why are you still living at home?

ABajaninCork

Merkin wrote: »

Why, if you have plenty of money and are solvent are you choosing to live at home at the age of 35?

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

You say you are comfortable money wise, have a good job and can afford a new car. Why are you still living at home?

The fact that the OP chooses to live at home has nothing to do with her problem. She probably has her own reasons for wanting to live at home, which we are not privy to.

OP - I was in the same position as you. Good job, own car and house, but something was missing. Eventually, I did find someone I wanted to share life with. At the age of 42. So you see. You're not alone. And you WILL find someone nice. You've just gotta hang in there.

Good luck!

Merkin

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The fact that the OP chooses to live at home has nothing to do with her problem.

I think it could have a massive bearing on her problem. Moving out and spreading your wings is a fundamental right of passage that most people go through when they are 18 and setting off for Uni.

I also think it would have a huge impact on your social life - if I was on the dating scene and a potential suitor told me he was living at home at the age of 35 I'd be wondering why. I also think if you're that age and living alone then you have to force yourself to get out and about as much as possible and expand your social circle.

Lots of people on here have spoken about Meetup, have you tried that OP? I think moving out of home and standing on your own two feet would be the best start for you though.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

I think it could have a massive bearing on her problem. Moving out and spreading your wings is a fundamental right of passage that most people go through when they are 18 and setting off for Uni.

I also think it would have a huge impact on your social life - if I was on the dating scene and a potential suitor told me he was living at home at the age of 35 I'd be wondering why. I also think if you're that age and living alone then you have to force yourself to get out and about as much as possible and expand your social circle.

Lots of people on here have spoken about Meetup, have you tried that OP? I think moving out of home and standing on your own two feet would be the best start for you though.

Have to agree, this is one of the first things that jumped out at me. If you were living away from home, you could probably not afford all the luxuries you speak of, so whatever way you look at it, you are still dependant on your parents in one shape or form. I'm not trying to be harsh, but this would be a huge red flag for me if I was dating someone aged 35.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies.

I didnt mean to sound like Im not independent (living at home). Its a big house. Some days, I dont even see my parents (and they travel a good bit).

But it is a good question. I have lived abroad and with 2 of my partners. I know what its like to live outside the nest, so to speak. Living at home for the last 2/3 years. Never had a big affect on my social life or meeting people. I didnt think that was a factor. I met my ex-partners while living at home.

I guess I see renting as dead money. I do save, with intention of buying something some day. And I dont know if Id enjoy living on my own, or living with someone else (noise etc).

The otherside of it is I thought (ideally) I would meet the love of my life and move out/buy with them. Obviously that hasnt happened. I guess things are just coming to a head. Everything seems stale/stuck.

LegacyUser

I can understand why you feel your life is stale or stuck.
At your age you hoped to be living with some one/married or having a family.

At the moment you have a good job and you have the money to enjoy your life.
Rather than sit at home feeling sorry for yourself you need to see what groups or organisations you could get involved in to meet other people. Not everyone of your age has met the love of there life yet. I know several woman who met someone when they were older than you and some of them had children well into there 40's.

I have 2 friends. One woman stayed living at home and was saving to get married for years.
She was waiting to a man to come along to change her life which has yet to happen.

Another friends of mine boyfriend called off the wedding a few weeks before they were due to get married. My friend moved on with her life and kept going out. She bought her own home and shortly after this met the man she was going to marry.

You have to remember the only person who can change your life is you.
If you give yourself a push now you will meet new people, make new friends and if you relax and enjoy yourself you could meet the love of your life.
Also I would advise you to get a blood test with the doctor to make sure your hormones, thyroid and iron level are ok as if you have problems in these areas you will not feel as good as you should.

karaokeman

Would you try using a dating agency?

I've heard a lot about it and it sounds like a better alternative to online dating. They interview you, get an idea of your ideal partner and try to set you on a blind date with someone.

I like that idea better because then you don't have to worry about seeing someone online and for them to pretend to be someone else.

Merkin

Where did life go? wrote: »

And I dont know if Id enjoy living on my own, or living with someone else (noise etc)

Well you don't know until you try. While you may feel very independent while still living at home, the fact is you're not. You're actually dependent on it to fund your lifestyle and allow you to save money that most people would spend on day-to-day living expenses. And while you may not see your parents a huge amount, the fact is that they are "there" and consequently you might not be so motivated as you could be to go out and seek company and explore new social outlets.

I also do think (and it's something I always had when single) that if you're single it's important to have a good few single friends. I'm not saying to go out on the pull with but people who don't have commitments with a partner or children so you can phone them up on an impromptu basis and suggest a glass of wine or a trip somewhere, means you won't be so lonely.

I do think you should take that leap of faith and move out. You may not feel it's impacting on your social life and personal development but it probably is in ways you don't even realise.

EdCastle

No, it's not too late but you shouldn't really be living at home if you can afford to move out, and it looks like you can, you seem to have a stable lifestyle and steady salary. So what's the problem?

As a result of the economic downturn and construction crash, I have single friends in their mid thirties who have had to move home in the last few years as they just couldn't afford to rent while they retrained for new careers and industries. They accepted that dating was really a pointless waste of time during that time. Nobody in their thirties wants to hear that you're single and living at home, it's really off putting. They even have a legit excuse where as you can afford to move out which makes it twice as bad in your situation

Put yourself in another person's shoes, if you were single and living independently, would you be interested in dating a single guy mid to late thirties who lives at home.....didn't think so, well it works the other way round also.

fits

EdCastle wrote: »

Put yourself in another person's shoes, if you were single and living independently, would you be interested in dating a single guy mid to late thirties who lives at home.....didn't think so, well it works the other way round also.

This actually genuinely wouldn't bother me as long as they had lived away from home at some stage.

ABajaninCork

EdCastle wrote: »

Put yourself in another person's shoes, if you were single and living independently, would you be interested in dating a single guy mid to late thirties who lives at home.....didn't think so, well it works the other way round also.

Not true. My now husband was still living at home when we met. It's more dependent on the personality. NOT whether a potential partner is still living at home or not. There could be a variety of reasons why.

EdCastle

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Not true. My now husband was still living at home when we met. It's more dependent on the personality. NOT whether a potential partner is still living at home or not. There could be a variety of reasons why.

Yes and you represent the majority right? We all know that there is going to be isolated cases but you can dress it up any way you want and try to be nice about it.

The fact is that in present day western society it is unacceptable and abnormal for self sufficient older offspring to be still living at home with parents well into their thirties unless there is a very good reason. That's how their peers will see it. This has been already mentioned consistently in the thread.

It shows a lack of independence and regardless of their personality, potential partners interpret that as a lack of confidence. I wouldn't think that 'living at home with parents' is top of anyone's list when selecting a partner, it is already satirised enough in the media which speaks volumes.

CrazyKatie

I wouldn't ever want to go out with someone who judged me if I lived with my parents. I think that a lot of people are living very lonely lives because it isn't seen to be socially acceptable to live at home or even in a house share once you reach a certain age. If the house has enough space and you have an adult relationship with your parents you should be able to live a normal life. And also living at home doesn't always mean you are dependent as most people would pay their share of bills and food etc. In the right circumstances there shouldn't be anything wrong with sharing with family.

ABajaninCork

EdCastle wrote: »

Yes and you represent the majority right? We all know that there is going to be isolated cases but you can dress it up any way you want and try to be nice about it.

The fact is that in present day western society it is unacceptable and abnormal for self sufficient older offspring to be still living at home with parents well into their thirties unless there is a very good reason. That's how their peers will see it. This has been already mentioned consistently in the thread.

It shows a lack of independence and regardless of their personality, potential partners interpret that as a lack of confidence. I wouldn't think that 'living at home with parents' is top of anyone's list when selecting a partner, it is already satirised enough in the media which speaks volumes.

Where did I say I represent the majority? You can sneer all you like. I left home at 18. And your point would be what, exactly? Different strokes. Stop generalising, and you'll be just fine...

EdCastle

CrazyKatie wrote: »

because it isn't seen to be socially acceptable to live at home or even in a house share once you reach a certain age.

Exactly my point.

That is the way thinking is structured in western society. Nobody is saying that it is right or wrong, that's just the way it is.

Meauldsegosha

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Not true. My now husband was still living at home when we met. It's more dependent on the personality. NOT whether a potential partner is still living at home or not. There could be a variety of reasons why.

It is very much true though. I'm 42 and on the dating scene and I'm regularly asked "Do you own your own place?" or "Do you house share?" People judge others. And living with your parents, over a certain age, is seen as a disadvantage by many people.

ABajaninCork

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It is very much true though. I'm 42 and on the dating scene and I'm regularly asked "Do you own your own place?" or "Do you house share?" People judge others. And living with your parents, over a certain age, is seen as a disadvantage by many people.

I was dating at the same age. If I was asked if I owned my own place (I do), potential suitors would be told to p1ss off! It's no-one's business but my own what my living arrangements were or are. You don't ask that on a first date or even the first few dates. Perhaps I might say on later dates. If someone asked me that without even knowing me, then it doesn't take Mastermind to guess WHY they are asking!! And anyone who presumed to judge wasn't worthy of my attention.

I take it no-one on here has heard of the 'Boomerang' generation then? Definition? People who have previously left home, and have moved back for various reasons. Inability to rent, get a job or a mortgage being some of the reasons. It seems to be happening quite a lot here as well as in the UK for fairly obvious reasons.

Now - if anyone wanted to rule out potential partners because of the fact they might be living at home for whatever reason, then good luck to them. You're missing out on potential dates and partners because of your silly prejudices.

CrazyKatie

EdCastle wrote: »

Exactly my point.

That is the way thinking is structured in western society. Nobody is saying that it is right or wrong, that's just the way it is.

My point is that the OP shouldn't move out just because some narrow minded men might be put off because she didn't own her own place. In reality there is nothing wrong with living at home if she is happy with that arrangement.

It can be difficult to meet people in your 30s. You need to make an effort to get out there and meet new friends and potential partners. I think that the OP should spend time on herself and concentrate on making herself happy - even if that means being selfish or spending money on treats. People will gravitate to positive happy people.

Meauldsegosha

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I was dating at the same age. If I was asked if I owned my own place (I do), potential suitors would be told to p1ss off! It's no-one's business but my own what my living arrangements were or are. You don't ask that on a first date or even the first few dates. Perhaps I might say on later dates. If someone asked me that without even knowing me, then it doesn't take Mastermind to guess WHY they are asking!! And anyone who presumed to judge wasn't worthy of my attention.

And the OP can tell people to p1ss off if they ask her that question. But the fact remains that people, and potential dates, will judge because she still lives with her parents. I'm not saying they are right to do that.

ABajaninCork

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

And the OP can tell people to p1ss off if they ask her that question. But the fact remains that people, and potential dates, will judge because she still lives with her parents. I'm not saying they are right to do that.

It is not right. But I still say that if people are going to give the OP a swerve because she's living at home, then I would respectfully suggest they aren't the right people to know...

December2012

The living at home thing jumped out at me because I think that moving out of home would be a great way for you to expand your social circle.

It's not about impressing a potential guy, it's about meeting potential friends, somebody to go to the pub with, breaking out of your mould and adapting.

I would also suggest that moving out of home as part of a couple is different than moving out of home as a single person.

Wanderer2010

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

And the OP can tell people to p1ss off if they ask her that question. But the fact remains that people, and potential dates, will judge because she still lives with her parents. I'm not saying they are right to do that.

Because you represent the majority, right?

Meauldsegosha

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Because you represent the majority, right?

I never said I did. I simply gave my experience on the dating scene in response to another post. So there is no need to bold and increase the font on my post because you have some misguided chip on your shoulder.

beks101

It sounds like lots of good things have happened to you, to be honest.

You have a good job. Good family. Financially secure and what's more, can afford a luxurious lifestyle. Healthy. Attractive, if that's what "look like I take care of myself" means. Good personality. You're in a better position than about 80% of people based on those things.

You're just bored. And to be blunt, that's completely your own fault.

You're living at home at 35, ruling out renting because it's "dead money", waiting to meet someone so that your life can start and yet spending your free time in front of the TV.

All the "good things" that "seem to happen to other people" - aren't going to happen to you if you're not willing to venture out from your living room, your parents' house, and take a few risks, without packing it all in when "good things" don't materialize instantaneously.

Take responsibility for yourself and your life here. You're in a rut: do something about it. Family is great, but living with your parents at your age when you can afford to move out, no matter how 'big" the house is, is curtailing your personal growth. There's nothing exciting or challenging about it. It doesn't inspire the excitement or opportunity you're looking for.

What about the town/city you live in. Are you happy there? Is travel an option? If you're living in a small town where you're meeting the same people all day every day, talking about the same things and being lumped in the same pigeon hole, perhaps it's time to consider relocating. Personally, I'd go insane if I went back to my hometown and moved in with my folks, most of my schoolmates are married/engaged/settled and as a single lady, my life and social needs are incompatible with theirs.

You need to sit down, take out a pen and notepad and re-evaluate from an objective standpoint. What exactly do you want out of life? And how are your current circumstances preventing those things from happening?

As someone else mentioned, you'll be 40, and then 45, and asking the same questions of your life if you don't commit to pull yourself out of your comfort zone and make some big changes now.

Taltos

Can I remind posters that PI is not a discussion forum, so let's get back on topic and offer some constructive advice to the OP.

Opinions are welcome but debates pull threads off topic. There are some other great forums here that encourage debates but here it can cause you a warning / infraction / ban. Please take some time now to read our charter.

Thanks
Taltos

Koptain Liverpool

I have to agree that you should move out of home OP. By the sounds of it every good thing that could 'happen' to you has. You have a good job, salary, friends etc.
The only reason you don't have a wider social circle and haven't met more potential partners is because you choose to live at home. That's your choice - not something that happened to you.

I disagree with all the posters who say so what if you live at home, its your choice etc. the fact is that it's weird to be living at home at 35 unless your broke or maybe have a medical condition.
Saving money is not a reasonable excuse, everyone has to do that. To be honest my parents (and most others) wouldn't tolerate me living at home beyond my mid 20s.

I would be really put off if a girl I was dating lived with her parents (I'm 32), regardless of whether or not you don't even see them some days. And I can speak for most other guys when I say this.

Move out, give it a go.

Koptain Liverpool

CrazyKatie wrote: »

My point is that the OP shouldn't move out just because some narrow minded men might be put off because she didn't own her own place. In reality there is nothing wrong with living at home if she is happy with that arrangement.

It's not narrow minded men - it's most men. And it's not about owning your own place, it's about not living with your parents. And does the OP sound like she is happy with her life at the moment???

Manco

OP, move out of your home in you're unhappy living there, or stay if you're happy living there, only you can make that call. Putting societal pressure above your own judgment isn't necessarily a good thing.

Queen-Mise

Independancealltheway wrote: »

Have to agree, this is one of the first things that jumped out at me. If you were living away from home, you could probably not afford all the luxuries you speak of, so whatever way you look at it, you are still dependant on your parents in one shape or form. I'm not trying to be harsh, but this would be a huge red flag for me if I was dating someone aged 35.

I agree with the above completely.
Whereas I would have absolutely no issue with someone living with their parents at that age if it was for safety, home care, minding them, company etc, etc.

OP - if you are comfortable at home then don't even think of moving out. As long as you are paying your way and have somewhere to bring boys home to if you wanted Buying is not all it is cracked up to be.

You are in a rut, and have lost your joie d'vie. Start work at getting that back - doing whatever. Get your love of life and your interests back, and then hopefully a relationship will follow after.

CrazyKatie

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

It's not narrow minded men - it's most men. And it's not about owning your own place, it's about not living with your parents. And does the OP sound like she is happy with her life at the moment???

Well we will have to agree to differ. I think the OP needs to concentrate on herself and find out what makes her happy. Maybe that means moving out, but not necessarily. She needs to find out what she really wants, rather than worrying about what society thinks she should be doing.

EdCastle

In fairness CrazyKatie, the OP has already said what she wants.

Where did life go? wrote: »

Am single. I would like to meet someone, if I was fortunate enough to meet the right person, have a family, but it seems it may not happen. Am single for the last 4 years. Met 2 guys during this time that I liked, but didnt reciprocate back.

It's not working and that is why posters are advising a different approach ...to move out of her parent's home.

I will never understand the stubbornness of people to continue approaching the same problem with the same solution. If you already know what you want in life and you can't seem to able to get it, then try a different approach. The OP has nothing to lose in this regard.

You will always get plenty of people in life to tell you, 'its fine, everything's perfect, sure aren't you doing great', but very quickly, 2 years turn into 5, 5 into 10 and so on, before you know your at the end of the road.

CrazyKatie

EdCastle wrote: »

In fairness CrazyKatie, the OP has already said what she wants.



It's not working and that is why posters are advising a different approach ...to move out of her parent's home.

I will never understand the stubbornness of people to continue approaching the same problem with the same solution. If you already know what you want in life and you can't seem to able to get it, then try a different approach. The OP has nothing to lose in this regard.

You will always get plenty of people in life to tell you, 'its fine, everything's perfect, sure aren't you doing great', but very quickly, 2 years turn into 5, 5 into 10 and so on, before you know your at the end of the road.

I just think that moving out of home is not going to solve all of her problems. I think she needs to get her spark and happiness back - and develop a more supportive social life. Maybe moving out is part of the answer, but I think it will take more than that to be honest. I know a lot of people disagree so maybe I just have a different way of looking at things.

fits

CrazyKatie wrote: »

I just think that moving out of home is not going to solve all of her problems. I think she needs to get her spark and happiness back - and develop a more supportive social life. Maybe moving out is part of the answer, but I think it will take more than that to be honest. I know a lot of people disagree so maybe I just have a different way of looking at things.

Maybe moving out is part of the answer. Maybe not. Only OP can decide.

I lived at home for four years (although I rented my own place for the last 18 months of it so it was half and half then). It turned out to be the last four years of my Dad's life and was the best thing I ever did. Am abroad now.

Faith

Moving back home made a MASSIVE difference to my life. I lived almost entirely independently, doing all my own cooking/cleaning and rarely seeing my parents and thought I was fine. I didn't realise how much it had impacted my life until I moved back out. You might feel independent, but you're not. I'm pretty sure that my relationship wouldn't have survived if I'd stayed living at home any longer.

I think there's no doubt that living at home plays a significant role in your current dissatisfaction, OP.

Mr_Spaceman

Some very thought-provoking suggestions here.

I should heed this simple advice more often and I'd suggest the same to the OP:

'If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting'