Decision to move back to Ireland is tearing us apart

LonelyExPat

Hi everyone
We've been living abroad for the past 2 years - it was a move my DH had wanted because his work in Ireland had dwindled and though it has benefited me too (more money - I have been able to be a stay at home mum which I always wanted) I have been very lonely and homesick to the extreme. During the past year here DH has really been pushing to buy a house whereas that thought throws me into panic. We've had chats on and off about staying vs going back and DH was always adament that it should be one or the other, Iwhen I offered to stay another year or two and then make a call he said he didn't believe anything would have changed and meanwhile we continue to pour money away on rent. We also have something else pushing us to make our minds up....our DS1 is due to start school in Sept (he has been going to school here as they start earlier but he's ready for junior infants in ireland in Sept). We have a place for him in our local school in Ireland and there is a waiting list for that school so we feel that we put off our decision another year we would loose our place and we don't know what school he would end up going to if we went back then. Now I don't personally think that would be the end of the world, most of the primary schools in the area are pretty good but the one we have him enrolled in is near our house and gets very good feedback.

So we ended up having a major pow wow last week and DH was pushing me to decide between moving back straight away or staying and committing for the foreseeable future and I said between those two options that I want to move back. I had had an agent ringing me about a contract job so DH said I should go ahead and investigate that if it's what I wanted. I rang them the next day and basically the company were really keen so offered me the job just after a phone interview and the money is amazing, basically the same as what DH is on here except it is a contract. It's been a whirlwind since, I will be flying back with the boys on wednesday coming and starting work next week, we're going to stay with my parents and they will mind the boys. DH handed his notice in on friday and is due to finish end July and then will pack up the whole house (we have furniture etc here), get the removals people and then drive our car back to Ireland by mid aug and we can move back into our own house. DH will then mind the boys while I work.
Since our pow wow we have just communicated when needed, DH is completely cold, this is often his way if we have a fight but normally only lasts a day, this has been going on for days now. He's also giving out about the fact his dad and brother have been on the phone to him asking if we're crazy and voicing their disagreement.
Last night he asked me if I was happy now we were going back, I said I wasn't happy it was in this circumstance, but given the options on the table I felt it was the right decision as looking ahead I'm happy that we'll be living in Ireland in the long term. He got annoyed over the fact I won't "admint" that I'm happy now and asked if I had any second thoughts and now is to voice them.

So.....after yet another sleepless night I'm wondering what if anything I should do now.....can I really move back like this? I'm not sure if our relationship will hold up to the stress? But the flip side is staying here, I know lots of you will think that it's no big deal but I feel very depressed with my life here.

Any thoughts would be great....I guess it's not too late to back out and even just how to communicate my feelings to DH, i'm finding it very hard to explain to him and he gets really frustrated with me.

Thanks x

Merkin

I don't think you're playing ball at all. You said you always wanted to be a stay at home Mum which this move allowed for (and I'm assuming you're in the UK) while your husband supported the decision and now suddenly you've decided your career is more important than his? Is he now happy to assume the role of a stay at home Dad? I very much doubt it if he was prepared to uproot you all in the first place for financial security. I also think you're mad to move back to Ireland on the basis of a contract-based role. What then happens when the contract expires?

Calhoun

I'd be in similar position as your husband , I might in the future have to go abroad. If I earn the major income in the family and need to travel to keep up our quality of lifestyle I'd expect my wife within reason to travel or contribute as much as I was .

It sounds like you weren't happy with the stay at home aspect of this arrangement, it is definitely something that would have contributed to your loneliness . Your mistake was not telling your husband you werent happy with this and you probably should have looked into a job for yourself .

Right now I'd take a guess he's thinking that he's making sacrifices for the betterment of your family and you are selfishly moving your family home so you can be close to family and friends. You need to explain to him why you made this decision , what your future is for your family .

Maybe if he sees that your plan will secure financial future for your family he will come around, the question is will it ?

meeeeh

He is not happy in Irealnd being unemployed and you feel lonely in UK (I presume). While I think his obssesion with buying a house after two years renting isn't exactly sensible I'm wondering if he wasn't trying to force stay in wherever you are right now. It's a hard one but I have the felling you didn't to things through properly. And also wouldn't it make sense for you to look at least for part time job wherever you were so you wouldn't be so lonely.

Now you will be living in Ireland which is important to at least one of you. I'm guessing your husband doesn't want to be stay at home dad and you would prefer to be stay at home mum in Ireland but now you have to work. Recession really ****ed up things for some people but I also think you two have problems compromising. Try to talk things through and maybe see if there is any option of your husband getting work in Ireland.

CaraMay

It's a bit strange that after one hurdle you think it might break your relationship. What is your quality of life going to be here? What work will your husband get? Who minds the kids when you are at work etc etc

You made and forced a very big move in the basis of contract work.

CommanderC

CaraMay wrote: »

It's a bit strange that after one hurdle you think it might break your relationship. What is your quality of life going to be here? What work will your husband get? Who minds the kids when you are at work etc etc

You made and forced a very big move in the basis of contract work.

And on the basis of her extreme unhappiness in their current situation.

If my OH was as unhappy as you sound , I don't think I could carry on in that situation, I especially wouldn't be pushing to make the situation more permanent (i.e by buying a home).

strandroad

Merkin wrote: »

I don't think you're playing ball at all. You said you always wanted to be a stay at home Mum which this move allowed for (and I'm assuming you're in the UK) while your husband supported the decision and now suddenly you've decided your career is more important than his? Is he now happy to assume the role of a stay at home Dad? I very much doubt it if he was prepared to uproot you all in the first place for financial security. I also think you're mad to move back to Ireland on the basis of a contract-based role. What then happens when the contract expires?

I understand it means that the SAHM part was for until their son goes to school, then the OP was happy to give it some more time to consider but her husband asked her to come off the fence which she did but he does not like the outcome?

Merkin

They have more than one child

Lorna123

I can understand your homesickness OP. I don't think I would ever be happy living abroad permanently. Nothing is going to change that for you. So you were right to tell your husband how you felt, but I do understand how frustrated he must feel too. I don't know what the answer is but I wish you every success.

Degringola

Here's a suggestion you might think about:

Stay until the elder child reaches secondary school age.
Buy a house. Buy smaller in a good area rather than larger in a not so good one. Your house will at least hold its value.
Spend the school holidays in Ireland with the children. You could rent a holiday home for the summer at a reasonable rate.

When the children start school, make friends with the other mothers / get involved with school activities / take up tennis or whatever interests you. You could find your social life will really take off. If there is GAA or Irish rugby club nearby join your children up to it, you'll meet loads of people.

When secondary school time comes around, have your research done with regard to jobs in Ireland, housing etc. Sell your house and move back.

I know this probably sounds glib, but it's what a lot of expats do and I wish we'd done it. Obviously it mightn't all be plain sailing and things don't always go to plan, but hopefully this suggestion will give you food for thought. It might just be a good compromise between the two of you.

StillWaters

Woah. Slow down. Your husband said to go ahead and investigate job opportunities in Ireland, next thing you have accepted a contract job and are packing bags and looking at schools.
I really think you are not being fair here. He has been bulldozed into this with very little discussion or thought to his career prospects or role.

Have you looked for job opportunities where you are? If you picked up one handily enough here, I'd imagine you would there too. It would widen your social circle, enable you to make friends and build a life outside of being a wife and mother. That seems to me the obvious solution.

deisemum

He wasn't prepared to compromise and all along it's been about what he wants and you've gone along with it even though it made you unhappy. You gave it 20 months and you were prepared to compromise, he wasn't and tried to force your hand by making you commit by buying a house.

He knew you weren't happy but wasn't prepared to compromise and take your feelings into account. Now that you've decided to take the job and move back he's trying to play the victim and is trying to make you feel guilty about moving back and is being cold to you, sounds like emotional abuse with the aim of guilting you into backing out of moving back to Ireland and you staying where you are. All the more reason to move home.

He's now trying to make you feel bad dragging his family's views into it. It's nothing to do with them.

I think you're doing the right thing moving home.

Calhoun

deisemum wrote: »

He wasn't prepared to compromise and all along it's been about what he wants and you've gone along with it even though it made you unhappy. You gave it 20 months and you were prepared to compromise, he wasn't and tried to force your hand by making you commit by buying a house.

He knew you weren't happy but wasn't prepared to compromise and take your feelings into account. Now that you've decided to take the job and move back he's trying to play the victim and is trying to make you feel guilty about moving back and is being cold to you, sounds like emotional abuse with the aim of guilting you into backing out of moving back to Ireland and you staying where you are. All the more reason to move home.

He's now trying to make you feel bad dragging his family's views into it. It's nothing to do with them.

I think you're doing the right thing moving home.

This isn't an us versus them between the OP and her husband , this is a very complex issue with both sides having the best possible future of the family in mind at the fore front of the issue .

OP if you look at this from a combative stance over who has to win, you will lose not the fight but the war. Yes he may have asked is family but your asking here for advice .

We just went back into a recession the country is in a bad way, so I do hope you know your long term game here. I assume like the 2nd to last poster has felt your husband feels bulldozed into this and when it comes down to it he could be finding it hard to deal with this gamble on your families future but I would not go as far as saying emotionally abusive .

Hope you figure this out but thread very carefully for your own sake, you and your husband are a partnership it won't work without both of you being on board.

JustAThought

deisemum wrote: »

He wasn't prepared to compromise and all along it's been about what he wants and you've gone along with it even though it made you unhappy. You gave it 20 months and you were prepared to compromise, he wasn't and tried to force your hand by making you commit by buying a house.

He knew you weren't happy but wasn't prepared to compromise and take your feelings into account. Now that you've decided to take the job and move back he's trying to play the victim and is trying to make you feel guilty about moving back and is being cold to you, sounds like emotional abuse with the aim of guilting you into backing out of moving back to Ireland and you staying where you are. All the more reason to move home.

He's now trying to make you feel bad dragging his family's views into it. It's nothing to do with them.

I think you're doing the right thing moving home.

I don't think that quite fair at all.

There is the financial aspect that you have ignored in this equation. The mother wanted to stay at home & mind the kids. The father was the bread winner. The work in Ireland dried up. Bills had to be paid. He got work to support his family in other country -wife remained able to stay at home & mind kids as she wanted. Family was secure & stable; wife remained able to stay at home & bring up the kids as she wanted. Father worked & provided.

They are big factors in this & it's not fair to be forgetting totally to include the father for providing for his family & the effort & troubles he went to to be able to do this & to keep his family intact & his wife's goals going.

The short term job. I'd be asking who hires on the phone, long-distance, for a short term job, without an interview taking place. Sounds extremely iffy.
Particularly an inter-country interview.
What will you do WHEN the short term contract runs out -assuming the job is worth anything seeing as the employer is so desperate to hire sight unseen from another country when 400,00"+ are on the dole here. It just sounds iffy.

It sounds like a major disruption to the family , & a short term financial one, that will take a huge bite out of savings & leave the father kicking his heels when I guess it wasn't his goal or game plan to be a stay at home when he agreed to start a family -that was his wife's goal.

What will you s do when the contract expires, when you are a ineligible for the dole, when there is no further work and when he will not be able to find a job..again. & where will you get the money to re-emigrate, pay the bills, or move with the kids? Will you expect him to have to leave & not see his kids & live in a bedsit & post money home to you?

Or will you want him to be under more intense pressure to get a job when he's already tried every angle & had to emigrate once already to find work to provide for you .

It dosn't sound very fair.
It dies sound like yiu've decided that you want to go back to work once the kids are at school & are using this part time job to totally disrupt everyone & to hell with the long term consequences or financial crisis looming.


Short term " plan" -car crash situation ahead.

LegacyUser

I would think very long and hard before moving back to Ireland on a contract role.
From what you have told us you have been a stay at home mother who got a contract to work back in Ireland without a face to face interview. This sounds suspect.
I would also take into consideration that your expecting your husband to mind the children when you work. Before you moved to the Uk he was out of work here which would have been hard on you both.

I know you think I will move home near family and friends but you need to consider what will happen when your contact finishes and you can't get the dole and mean while your husband can't get work? How would you feel if he want back to England on his own leaving you with the children as he has no choice due to financial reasons?

At this stage I would be have a serious talk with your husband in regards to what you both want long term. In your position I would stay in the Uk and once your child starts school I would look for your own job. I think at the moment you have no life except minding a small child or children in a place were you have may lack friends and a life beyond your husband and children. Spending the next few years in the Uk could give you financial security long term along with your own home meanwhile in Ireland you could end up in poverty.

I know one couple who met in the Uk. They decided that within 8 to 10 years they would move back to Ireland but to do this comfortably they both would work and take advantage of any career chances they had. They moved back to Ireland within this time frame and were in a good financial position when they did this.

Taltos

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Thanks
Taltos

Merkin

JustAThought wrote: »

The short term job. I'd be asking who hires on the phone, long-distance, for a short term job, without an interview taking place. Sounds extremely iffy.

I totally agree, it is odd in the extreme. Even if the OP had worked in this company before and had a history there, a formal interview process (in the interests of fairness) is normally conducted so I'm not sure about what kind of set-up would offer a job after a chat on the phone, it just seems very odd. It's also a big risk to cause such an upheaval to their lives based on this.