conflicted.

Dannbt

hey guys, I've been a long time creeper on this forum but a first time poster so here it goes,(sorry if its a bit all over the place).. towards the end of last year I was finally coming to terms with my sexuality and the fact i'm probably gay. I've never been in a relationship with a guy before and was opening myself up to the idea, I'd just started work at a new company in town and stumbled on the guy of my dreams, one of my co-workers, he ticked all the boxes except he was in a long term relationship with another lad. Even though he was off limits, we had great chemistry, we flirted, we chatted, we had loads of banter and I'd never felt so emotionally and physically attracted to someone before. I couldn't help how I felt about him. These feelings built up over awhile and culminated in me sending a few drunk facebook messages. Nothing dirty,I lay all my cards on the table. He let me down gently,(the nice guy that he is)but I was still left reeling and rejected, Shortly afterwards I lost my job and was able to put him out of my mind, but the rejection stayed with me, I was used to being rejected by girls back when I thought I was straight, but the fact of being rejected by a guy really cut deep when I was finally beginning to come to terms with myself. I feel like it pushed me back in the closet a bit, I stopped trying to pursue anyone,,
wouldn't you know while I was laid off I couldn't find work and ended up having to reapply to the company I previously worked at. and got taken back on. Now work is torture I see the guy I was crushing on a daily basis, and feel so ashamed, I can barely even bring myself to talk to him, the feelings I had towards him are still there. So my question is how can I get him off my mind I want to get over myself and this stupidity but Im just not able,. Rant over.

Emz93

Wow. Literally in a very similar situation to you (even similar timing with the coming to terms etc) I literally tried everything to get over, it got so bad at one point that I started to try push her away and thought i'd prefer to have her think that I hate her rather than love her. That was a stupid plan that just upset both of us. If you have a good friendship with this guy what I would do is just be greatful for a close friendship and try not to think of it as anything more. Sounds easier than it is but trust me once you acknowledge that he has rejected you and accept it, it really helps the getting over them process! If you're like me and read into every little thing to try convince yourself someone likes you back, being rejected by her seriously helped me to realise that I should stop dreaming and get over it. It's fine now, i'm happy and so is she and we're great friends still, no awkwardness or anything! Hopefully things work out the same for you and him

Dannbt

thanks for that nice to know someone else was in the same position as I am. I feel like that's what I've been doing at the minute is distancing myself from him, but its pointless because I know I'd rather have him as a friend than not at all. Tbh I over analyse everything its ridiculous!! need a dose of cop on!!

floggg

I'd repeat my advise from a similar post -

floggg wrote: »

Perhaps what you are feeling isn't love but infatuation.

In the closet, you only allow yourself the chance for some unrequited lusting, so the bar for "love" doesn't have to be that high.

I think in your situation you're mixing up a lot of feelings and you're not able to separate and process them because of your circumstances.

I would imagine a lot of the "in love with a straight friend" threads are from people who are either not out or only newly out.

I would guess falling for a friend would be common because you kinda crave some form of intimacy and companionship and you can easily mix up friendship with that when you are closed off to the sexual side.

That's not to be condescending, but I just think it can be hard to get perspective when your keeping such a big secret.

I know when I was "straight" I mixed up friendship for attraction. Really though it was a case of getting on so well with them and thinking that's what passed for attraction.

Once I opened myself up to what I really wanted I saw how far off base I was.

It may well be the possibility of a relationship with another man that put you into a spin, rather than your co-worker himself. He was just the first time you ever actually saw that possibility fulfilled.

I'm guessing you haven't really taken many other steps with regards to coming out or meeting guys.

I'd suggest you change that and you'll see they there are plenty of other guys who might feel the same way.

And I wouldn't feel too embarrassed - I'm sure he's put himself out there for somebody and got shot down and knows how you feel. It happens, don't worry and move on.