6 months into marriage - what to do

LegacyUser

Hi all,
Long time user (10+ years) and long time subscriber (6+), but going un-reg for this. Myself and my wife have been married for 6 months, and we have a 10 year old child together. We had an arguement last week over something I said, that I meant to be humourous, but I said it in a totally inappropriate way/manner.

Anyway, last night I found messages on her phone about her meeting up with a guy this Friday for sex. There were sex messages sent to each other as well as naked photos. Safe to say, I went crazy. At first she denied it, but eventually admitted to it, and said the messages were sent when she was drunk and after our arguement (we hadnt spoke for nearly 24 hours at the time after the arguement). She said she has been trying to get out of it since, and she only did it to hurt me. I asked her how was it meant to hurt me, if she had no intention of telling me (surely in order to hurt me, I would need to be told?).

Anyway, she was adamant she wasnt going to go through with it, and that she had a work thing on the same time (she had asked me to go earlier in the week) and only did it because she was drunk and wanted to hurt me. Subsequently, on further inspection, I found out that these messages were sent the day after the arguement, when she had still been drinking, and was still "hurt" from our arguement.

She begged me not to leave her, and I said to her that the only reason why she was so upset was because she was caught (as the whole purpose of this was to hurt me, so why should she be getting upset?). I left last night and went for a drive, and when I was out, she took an overdose. She told me this, so I went home and induced vomiting, etc. She refused an ambulance.

I really have no idea what to do. We have a bad past, in relation to something similar when we were going out originally, back about 8 years ago. We have a very poor sex life, maybe once every 2 weeks if Im lucky, which hurts me more, with the fact that she was willing to go with someone else. I really love her, but I really cant trust her again. She is going away for a weekend with friends soon, and I really dont think she should go, based on what I know now. I dont want to hurt my daughter, I dont want my wife to take another overdose (whether this was emotional blackmail or not). I have no idea what to do.

Sorry for the rant, but by typing it, at least its a form of therapy for myself.

Taltos

God OP - this is rotten.
I am really not sure what to advise you here in relation to your marriage.

In terms of your child though - I think you need to seek legal advice. Do you have a record she attempted an overdose and would you consider talking to her GP?
The reason I am asking is in my mind you need a break from each other but I would do all I could to ensure that your little one is not left in her care at all, hence the legal advice.

In the meantime - maybe encourage her to seek professional advise, clearly she needs support and assistance from a trained professional. It is not normal to send naked photos or plan sex or take an overdose based on an argument. It all sounds very extreme and in my opinion a sign that help of a medical/psychological nature is needed. But back to my first point you still need to get educated on your rights as a father and what you can do to protect the child in all of this...

Merkin

You poor thing, this sounds like a really horrendous situation.

I agree with Taltos above and would seek legal advice as a matter of urgency. The marriage doesn't sound particularly healthy (and neither of you particularly happy) so your best bet for now is taking the appropriate steps to ensure a safe, secure and happy future for your little girl. Not a great deal more I can say really except to wish you well.

Calhoun

Taltos wrote: »

In the meantime - maybe encourage her to seek professional advise, clearly she needs support and assistance from a trained professional. It is not normal to send naked photos or plan sex or take an overdose based on an argument. It all sounds very extreme and in my opinion a sign that help of a medical/psychological nature is needed. But back to my first point you still need to get educated on your rights as a father and what you can do to protect the child in all of this...

OP, i agree with everything Taltos has said i dont think you will get better advice.

I want to expand on the above a little bit, i would agree that it is not normal for any of the above to happen but its also very emotionally destructive towards yourself.

You have to keep a clear head or at least try to in this situation, as your being emotionally manipulated to the extreme. Some one who resorts to that kind of cheating in revenge for an apparent joke or an has an apparent overdose is either not well or they are resoting to lowest common donominator tactics to excuse bad behavior.

I don't mean to belittle the overdose in the above paragraph, the reason i am sceptical about it is that she did not want to call an ambulance so it could have been a case that it wasnt serious and she knew how wrong pulling a stunt like that was.

Either way you probably both need space to consider where this is going, you both need to analyse why this happen because can things really be that good if it gets to this situation. You also need the space so you can think from a clear thinking space.

Beruthiel

LongTimeUnRegistered wrote: »

I left last night and went for a drive, and when I was out, she took an overdose. She told me this, so I went home and induced vomiting, etc. She refused an ambulance.

A reaction like that is very over the top in your normal course of events, no matter how big the problem.
The fact that she did it would suggest to me that she should be seeing a professional, she has a lot of stuff to sort out and this should be top priority imo.

She is going away for a weekend with friends soon

OP
She needs to prioritise herself and sort out her family situation first before she does anything else.
Going away with friends when her husband does not trust her due to infidelity seems thoughtless and insensitive to me.

In an ideal world, what do you want to do from here?
Work that one out first.
Can you get past this betrayal of hers?
Personally, I would most likely find that impossible to do.
Either way, once you have your ducks in a row, sit her down and have a calm, reasoned discussion with her.

Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I really have no idea what to do. In my mind, if I was to take her back, I would be afraid to ever have an arguement with her, because I know that this means she will go try be with someone else. Whenever she gets drunk, does that mean she will try be with someone else? If I refuse to take her back, will she try take her own life again? These are questions I cant answer in my head, but I know I need to.

In the hatred that I have at the minute, I feel like one of the conditions before I consider taking her back is that she tells everyone what she did. All her friends dislike me, because she always uses me a reason for not doing something. Eg: A couple of her friends were heading out, and she didnt want to head out. She told them that I wouldnt let her out. Any time she decides to go out, Im never invited. This year alone, excluding holidays and the honeymoon (!) we have been out together on our own, around 5 times (if even). She goes out with her friends at least once a week. Whenever i ask her out, she says shes too broke.

Our sex life is non-existant, and I get pushed away all the time. This is what hurts me the most. She wont be intimate with me, but will gladly try be with others. IF it was the other way around, I would take some partial blame, as I wasnt "fulfilling her needs", but she doesnt seem to have any, with me at least.

She text me today saying she will do anything to prove how much she loves me, and that nothing like the above will ever happen again, but how can I get her to prove it?

Does she need to stop drinking? Does she need to go get help? Did she mean it that she didnt want to go through with it?

Taltos

Being blunt here OP (so sorry) - you are in an abusive relationship.

It really is that simple. Cutting out the need for professional help for her and solicitors. You are being emotionally abused.
Now - picture the advise you would give a brother/mate if they came to you and just said these words "I am being abused - what do I do?"

Remember - you will not nor can you change her, and despite all of her promises she is manipulating you.
Please now have a look at our charter there are organizations there to help - ring one of them but get some legal advice for yourself - and even consider getting counselling to help you in what you are going through.

Can you trust her again? - well with work I am sure you can
Should you trust her again? - only you know that, from the little you have written my gut says no. You are being burnt here repeatedly, words are cheap but that is her greatest weapon.
What if she takes her life? - I am more concerned if she attempts to harm your daughter or you! Also what type of role model is she... And yes, maybe she will try to take her life or succeed - but that will be her choice - you have to look out for yourself and your daughter here. It's clear you have tried to help and you can encourage her to seek further help - but it is her choice to change / not...

Calhoun

LongTimeUnRegistered wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I really have no idea what to do. In my mind, if I was to take her back, I would be afraid to ever have an arguement with her, because I know that this means she will go try be with someone else. Whenever she gets drunk, does that mean she will try be with someone else? If I refuse to take her back, will she try take her own life again? These are questions I cant answer in my head, but I know I need to.

In the hatred that I have at the minute, I feel like one of the conditions before I consider taking her back is that she tells everyone what she did. All her friends dislike me, because she always uses me a reason for not doing something. Eg: A couple of her friends were heading out, and she didnt want to head out. She told them that I wouldnt let her out. Any time she decides to go out, Im never invited. This year alone, excluding holidays and the honeymoon (!) we have been out together on our own, around 5 times (if even). She goes out with her friends at least once a week. Whenever i ask her out, she says shes too broke.

Our sex life is non-existant, and I get pushed away all the time. This is what hurts me the most. She wont be intimate with me, but will gladly try be with others. IF it was the other way around, I would take some partial blame, as I wasnt "fulfilling her needs", but she doesnt seem to have any, with me at least.

She text me today saying she will do anything to prove how much she loves me, and that nothing like the above will ever happen again, but how can I get her to prove it?

Does she need to stop drinking? Does she need to go get help? Did she mean it that she didnt want to go through with it?

OP being with someone out of fear they will top themselves will lead you on the road to ruin.

Could it be that she is manipulating you, everything you say in this and your first post just hints to me that does she really want to be with you? Actions speak louder than words in my opinion and it lopoks like she may not want to be with you as like Beruthiel has said above, she wants to make it work but is still planning on going away rather than focus on her family . At some level she might want to be with you but deepdown maybe not.

The question is do you want to work it our with her and can you let this go again? If so you can't force her to do anything to make you trust her, she has to do the big parts herself. It shouldnt be up to you to explain to her what is wrong she should be able to share what is wrong and work on those behaviors or issues.

Creasy_bear

Did i read it right? You had an argument on a particular day.....and the very next day she had sex arranged for the weekend.

Wtf?? Is it just me or is that ridiculously quick? As in, she's text this lad before.

December2012

You could go and talk to a relationship counsellor. It might be a way to Backdoor her into getting help re the overdose.

RossFixxxed

Yeah it's hard to add anything really, you need out.

1) How did she arrange sex so fast?
2) How were you meant to discover it before she went and did it?
3) Cheating is her reaction to an argument?
4) An attempted suicide over it afterwards?

Your head must be in a terrible state, however, you have a kid and they have to come first. Get your child away from her. She sounds completely manipulative and (sorry for putting it this way) absolutely insane.

You need time and space with your child. Away from her. You can assess once you re-acclimatise to this situation. However, she can say anything she wants to you, it is only through consistent action she will prove anything to you. Tread VERY carefully and keep your child in mind at all times.

I'm sorry it's such a crappy situation OP.

If this isn't a personal or misguided question: has there been instances before? Usually things don't escalate THAT fast in my own limited experience. Usually the cracks start to show before the whole thing falls down.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses. Firstly, in relation to the below:

RossFixxxed wrote: »

1) How did she arrange sex so fast?

This has been coming onto her for ages. He's been trying to initiate sex with her for a long time, but she has always said no to him, because of our relationship

2) How were you meant to discover it before she went and did it?

Thats the thing. She said she did it to hurt me, yet didnt want me to know. That to me suggests that she didnt do it to hurt me, and is only upset now, because she was caught.

3) Cheating is her reaction to an argument?

Yep. Communication with her at the best of times is difficult. She is very hot headed and normally storms out during an arugment (I never raise my voice, as I believe you can sort things out without the need to "argue"). She claimed it was because of how upset she was, plus because she was drunk.

4) An attempted suicide over it afterwards?

To me it sounds like emotional blackmail, because I was refusing to go back home. Eventually she just rang and told me to collect our daughter, as she was no use to her anymore.

I havent spoken to her about heading away in a few weeks, but I am in 100% agreement, she shouldnt be going after what has happened. Im going to see what she says in relation to this trip. This will show whether she has the cop on to the gravity of the situation, or whether everything is about her.

In the past, there have been trust issues. She left me years ago for someone else, and then we got back together after a few years. I was never able to trust her fully when we got back together, but I assumed that getting married would have alleviated (sp?) my fears. It seems that its now worse. Obviously Im wondering, if she did this when we are married, what has she done before that I havent found out about?

cypressg

LongTimeUnRegistered wrote: »

Hi all,
Long time user (10+ years) and long time subscriber (6+), but going un-reg for this. Myself and my wife have been married for 6 months, and we have a 10 year old child together. We had an arguement last week over something I said, that I meant to be humourous, but I said it in a totally inappropriate way/manner.

What did you say?

ShaShaBear

cypressg wrote: »

What did you say?

I don't think it would be relevant enough to force his wife to send naked pictures of herself to someone who she was oddly confident would reciprocate, and like OP cleverly caught on to, how on earth was it supposed to hurt him if:
A) She wasn't going to go through with it, and
He never found out.

Long story short, she obviously did plan to go through with it, or possibly to make sure you found out she was planning it. As for the overdose, she sounds very, very like a relative of mine who works in a very similar manner. If things don't go her own way, particularly in an argument, she resorts to very extreme and harmful methods to try turn things around. Obviously I can't say for your case, but if she even took an overdose, her intention was never to top herself if she alerted you to it first. She wanted to see if you would come back to her, which you did. I can almost guarantee that she will try this again, as it worked with some degree of success the first time. Had she intended on taking her life, she would have approached with a more resolute method, or at least not informed someone she knew would stop her at a convenient point in time where she could, in fact, be stopped.

On top of that, her telling her friends things like you don't let her out sounds very much like (again with this person in my own family) she is trying to make it seem as though you are actually abusing her. If her behaviour seems erratic or unusual to other people, who already think you treat her poorly, they will likely assume its your fault, and not hers. She will have built a nice base of supportive people that will fully take her side, because she has been leaking all sorts of information to them over the years you have been together to collaborate should you ever leave her.

I could actually give you a couple of examples of my family member's behaviour which I can almost definitely say you would directly relate to your wife's, but Im pretty sure she, or one of her daughters is on this site. Did she by any chance try to overdose on prescribed medication? Like sleeping tablets/valium/anxiety meds?

ABajaninCork

OP - So sorry for your trouble so early on in the marriage. Couple of things stand out to me though:

How come, a couple of days after your argument, your wife arranged to meet someone for a tumble? How does she know the guy? And I'm sorry, it looks to me as though she's had him on the back burner for a while. It seems an extreme reaction to an argument.

And the overdose? How did she seem when you got home and induced the vomiting?? Again, I have doubts she took anything at all. I think this was done to manipulate you.

Are you able to arrange counselling for yourself perhaps to sort out your feelings, and help you decide what to do?

username123

Look - your wife clearly has mental health issues.

(a) arranging sex the day after a silly row with the hubby and (b) making a suicide attempt in the aftermath - is not normal behaviour for anyone.

But she needs medical attention and fast. You need to report her suicide attempt. I agree with ShaSha that her behaviour could be manipulatory in nature but a suicide attempt should be taken seriously and if I were you I would be seeking to protect your child.

From your own perspective, get legal advice and fast. You are in an abusive relationship, this cannot continue, yourself and your child need to distance yourselves until suitable medical intervention kicks in.

judgefudge

Hey OP, hope you're alright.

I don't think I'm in a position to give you any advice about marriage but just wanted to say that she may have text him originally out of anger and may have even thought about going through with it, to hurt you. Then maybe when you made up she felt ashamed and tried to forget it or hide it. Maybe that's why she said she was doing it to hurt you. Unless I've picked things up wrong but that's how it seemed to me.

dellas1979

If you are sure the marriage is over, walk away. Seek legal advice etc.

If there is even a hint of you wanting to sort this out, I would be asking her to go to marriage councelling (even councelling herself), even before you make an ultimate decision. They'd be my rules.

The cat has to come out of the bag. At the moment, youre doing a good job of keeping the bag closed, helping her to stay in there.

Payton

Terrible situation, I was it the same position myself not too long ago and to be honest it won't improve..you cant help someone who is not willing to help themselves. You have been in a very abusive and controlling relationship and you will continue to be unless you take control back of your own life. Do you really want to live with someone who everytime a situation arises attempts a self harm...because if she does follow through and your still a couple you will be carrying the guilt fir the rest ofyour days.
Why she was sending messages and arranging to meet a guy tells me your only scratching the surface here, possibly going on a long time and other persons involved.
This is now about you and your child and as Taltos has said early on to look in the stickys and seek assistance from some of the services there.
This is a wake up call from what I can see.
Best of luck.

Queen-Mise

Yeah - you need some professional help OP. I agree with the above posters there is definitely some elements of abusive relationship going on. And you need 'training' (essentially) on how to deal with that.
They are some really good tricks/tips that a counsellor can help you with when dealing with someone whose behaviour can be troublesome.

Does your wife have a problem with drink? Does she drink too much?
She seems to have some sort of mental illness? Imbalance? There is something going on anyway.

I wouldn't take too much notice of the sex arrangements. That was done from a place of anger and hurt, & a heck of lot of insanity.


The question you need to answer is are you willing to stick around and help your wife deal with her demons.

First and foremost get some help for yourself and talk about the situation with someone impartial and that will help make the situation clearer.
And what I mean by that is - from what I have read, you wife might have:
1 May have a problem with drink
2 Or she may have some mental health issues,
3 Or it may simply be immaturity & game playing.
4 Or is could be something completely different.
How you deal with the situation will be completely different depending on what is going on with your wife. Talking with a professional will help you work out what is going on.

LegacyUser

Op I just want to let you know from the other side of things , when I had a massive argument with my boyfriend years ago, I took an overdose.
I can tell you it was done completely in the heat of the moment and on impulse thinking which was probably the same as your wife. At the time I didn't intend to die. I don't know why I done tbh. People say its attention but at the time I didn't feel like it was.
Anyways I was so ashamed of my actions as soon as I was in the hospital I began to cop on . I was in shock at what I had done and I was just very upset and ashamed of myself.
I went to see a counsellor after and figured out stuff and it really helped me. It would be good for you and your wife to see a counsellor ... maybe separately even for the first while.

For all the people so quick to judge the ops wife ( re overdose thing) you don't know what was going through her head at the time .Maybe she just felt a complete lack of love and worthless for that moment in time.

BTW OP I am still with my boyfriend and things have greatly improved and we have moved past that and I wouldn't ever dream in a million years of doing that again.

Just my 2c

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Really helps me reading over it all. Ive been talking to the wife, albeit over text, the last 24 hours (Im living in seperate accomodation attached to the house). Up until 2 hours ago, she had still every intention of heading away on the weekend. I basically had to ask her not to go, and she got ratty over the fact that she would have to pay back her friends the cost of the trip (she was the mutual friend between them). That really upset me again, and I asked her how she felt that made me feel.

She gets angry when Im upset, and ask questions to help me. She doesnt like talking or communicating. It does feel that its pure immaturity on her part, and she only cares about herself. Do I want to work things out with her? Yes, I do. I just dont know how I can get her into a better place. I mentioned counsilling and she pretty much skimmed right passed it.

Payton

LongTimeUnRegistered wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for all the replies. Really helps me reading over it all. Ive been talking to the wife, albeit over text, the last 24 hours (Im living in seperate accomodation attached to the house). Up until 2 hours ago, she had still every intention of heading away on the weekend. I basically had to ask her not to go, and she got ratty over the fact that she would have to pay back her friends the cost of the trip (she was the mutual friend between them). That really upset me again, and I asked her how she felt that made me feel.

She gets angry when Im upset, and ask questions to help me. She doesnt like talking or communicating. It does feel that its pure immaturity on her part, and she only cares about herself. Do I want to work things out with her? Yes, I do. I just dont know how I can get her into a better place. I mentioned counsilling and she pretty much skimmed right passed it.

OP re-read what you posted and ask yourself is this what you really want?. If she cannot see the damage that has been done and still continues on in a controlling manner your not going to get anywhere. "She doesn't like talking or communicating"....communication is fundamental in a marriage, who is controlling the situation again?.
Counselling will help you...you get out what you put in.

ABajaninCork

Did your wife actually agree not to go on her trip?

OP - I'm not sure how much longer you can go on like this. Even if you get past the recent events, there'll still be trust issues on your part, and further manipulation by your wife. You'll be walking on eggshells wondering if she'll either hook up for sex or attempt another overdose. Do you really want to live like this? Your child is old enough to see what's going on, even if s/he doesn't totally understand it. You can't underestimate the effect all this has on your child. Your priority is with your child, right now.

Communication is key, and that isn't happening right now. You say you still want to work things out. Well - it's a two way street, and if your wife isn't prepared to talk things through with you, how do you hope to achieve that?

Soaring hawk

LongTimeUnRegistered wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for the responses. I really have no idea what to do. In my mind, if I was to take her back, I would be afraid to ever have an arguement with her, because I know that this means she will go try be with someone else. Whenever she gets drunk, does that mean she will try be with someone else? If I refuse to take her back, will she try take her own life again? These are questions I cant answer in my head, but I know I need to.

In the hatred that I have at the minute, I feel like one of the conditions before I consider taking her back is that she tells everyone what she did. All her friends dislike me, because she always uses me a reason for not doing something. Eg: A couple of her friends were heading out, and she didnt want to head out. She told them that I wouldnt let her out. Any time she decides to go out, Im never invited. This year alone, excluding holidays and the honeymoon (!) we have been out together on our own, around 5 times (if even). She goes out with her friends at least once a week. Whenever i ask her out, she says shes too broke.

Our sex life is non-existant, and I get pushed away all the time. This is what hurts me the most. She wont be intimate with me, but will gladly try be with others. IF it was the other way around, I would take some partial blame, as I wasnt "fulfilling her needs", but she doesnt seem to have any, with me at least.

She text me today saying she will do anything to prove how much she loves me, and that nothing like the above will ever happen again, but how can I get her to prove it?

Does she need to stop drinking? Does she need to go get help? Did she mean it that she didnt want to go through with it?

Yes she needs to stop drinking, do u think alcohol is an issue, you need to look after you and your child first your wife needs to get help for herself. Look after yourself op