Don't want to go drinking how can I get out of this?

queenofsteel1

As you will see from previous threads my friend and I are heading to wimbledon on Thursday until Saturday. I am goin through a tough time at the minute getting through anorexia and seeing a counsellor I have absolutely zero confidence in myself and it has affected me greatly. I do not drink and don't usually go out as I feel socially awkward. My friend is all fired up for going out in London and I did want to originally but then as time went on now I don't. I want to make the most of my day and be up early clear head and head to Hyde park for a long walk. He knows this but he still wants to go out for a whole until 1am. (I was planning in going back to hotel at 11!!) I really don't want to go out so what do I do? I am so anxious

mickdw

Maybe go out and just don't drink?

Stavro Mueller

How about going out with your friend with the understanding that when it gets too much for you, you'll be catching a taxi back to the hotel?

queenofsteel1

mickdw wrote: »

Maybe go out and just don't drink?

It doesn't matter I will be shattered by 9pm I always am due to ana

queenofsteel1

cymbaline wrote: »

How about going out with your friend with the understanding that when it gets too much for you, you'll be catching a taxi back to the hotel?

Yes we have talked about this but he said he will stay until 1 which isn't too late in his eyes but is in mine. Then he said he will get taxi back and go again by himself but I don't want to put that much on him. He said he's not going over to London and not going out and wished he'd tell me this when we booked flights and not talk about going out which I did want to but then thought about it and now I feel bad and feel I have to

ahnow

Hi op, could you maybe explain to him a little bit about what you're going through? You would be surprised about how compassionate and kind and understanding people can be. Dont feel under pressure if you're not feeling up to it, you need to put yourself first sometimes.
Even if you dont want to speak about ana, even just explain that you're going through a bit of a tough time and you're not able for too much. Your friend might be a bit dissappointed that yous cant go on a mad one but in the grand scheme of things, this is only one night, your mental health is much more important than that!

Stavro Mueller

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

Yes we have talked about this but he said he will stay until 1 which isn't too late in his eyes but is in mine. Then he said he will get taxi back and go again by himself but I don't want to put that much on him. He said he's not going over to London and not going out and wished he'd tell me this when we booked flights and not talk about going out which I did want to but then thought about it and now I feel bad and feel I have to

Unless you want to cause all sorts of problems, I suggest you take him up on this offer. He has offered to leave you safely back to where you're staying and then go back out again - that shows what a good friend he is. You should be thanking your lucky stars that your friend is willing to go back out again on his own. Why deny him his chance of enjoying himself just because you want to be tucked up in bed by midnight?

Esoteric_

I think the advice that ahnow gave you is really good.

I'd also point out though that you agreed to the nights out, and whatever else, when booking. I know you're seriously unwell, but you can't really expect your friend to stay in with you on a trip away because you changed your mind. Talking to your friend and explaining your issues may help your friend to understand, though, which could make him more likely to accommodate you.

Lastly, I really don't think a 'long walk' in Hyde Park would be a great idea for somebody suffering with anorexia. It'll burn off calories that you probably cannot afford to burn off, and could exhaust you even more.

Stavro Mueller

ahnow wrote: »

Hi op, could you maybe explain to him a little bit about what you're going through?

You really need to do this. From your other post I see that you and your friend reached a compromise. Which for your friend means he won't have your company while he queues/gets into a match (am I right?). And now your friend has had to alter his plans for his night out because of you. At this stage his plans for the break to London have had to change because of you. I hope you acknowledge that generously

will.i.am

Well OP I think you need to eel your friend that you don't feel comfortable going out for to long at night because you feel you won't enjoy it Just explain to him that you want to spend most of your time and cash on day trip and shopping in London. Just say that you feel you can out any time in Ireland ad the pub/club scene is't your thing anyway. If you do choose to go out you do't have to drink. There are plenty of non alcoholic alternatives out there and if he is your friend he won't care what you drink.
I also can get anxious about going to clubs with friends. I don't mind a pub because you can sit down and have a chat and watch the telle and get something to eat. Well back to my point when I go to night club I go there and I first of all tell myself that I can leave at any time I want with out making a fuss. It is very easy to slip away without making a scene. I just simply leave get a taxi home and on the way just send a text saying I wasn't feeling the best or that there was someone there that I was trying to avoid, or I have to be up early in the morning. If I'm not feeling comfortable about going out but feel like I have to. I always just tell myself it is only a couple of hours and that I'll be in bed before I know it..
Good luck!

queenofsteel1

I don't want to be selfish or hold him back I know how much he is looking forward to going out so I want him to go and have a good time. As I explained in the beginning I did want to go but when I think things through I had second thoughts. I'm just worried I will ruin his trip and let him down because of this thing that I'm going through and that il push him away and he will never go anywhere with me again

Lorna123

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

I don't want to be selfish or hold him back I know how much he is looking forward to going out so I want him to go and have a good time. As I explained in the beginning I did want to go but when I think things through I had second thoughts. I'm just worried I will ruin his trip and let him down because of this thing that I'm going through and that il push him away and he will never go anywhere with me again

Talk to him, tell him everything that you have said here. Then you can both come to a compromise. That is your best bet. It will all work out and you will be wondering what all the fuss was about.

Koptain Liverpool

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

I don't want to be selfish or hold him back I know how much he is looking forward to going out so I want him to go and have a good time. As I explained in the beginning I did want to go but when I think things through I had second thoughts. I'm just worried I will ruin his trip and let him down because of this thing that I'm going through and that il push him away and he will never go anywhere with me again

If you don't want to be selfish then don't be. Simple as. Don't come on here complaining and expecting people to support your argument without questioning it.

It sounds to me like your friend is being more than accommodating. I remember your previous thread and to be honest if you were my friend and really felt so negatively about the trip I'd prefer you be straight with me and tell me you don't want to go rather than coming but expecting me to alter all my plans in order to make sure you're ok.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you must remember that for most people when they are on holiday going out and having fun is the norm. Staying out until 1am is not late at all.

Why don't you go and do some things together but do your own things as well. If you don't feel like going out for the night then stay in and let him do his thing. You can spend plenty of time together during the day no?

I think you need to be more positive and try to get the most out of the trip if you can.

All the best

queenofsteel1

Yes I know he is being more than accommodating which is why I am saying I feel selfish and a burden and feel like I am only going to ruin his trip because of the way I am. He doesn't deserve someone like me to be a pain in the h*** and no fun. I want him to do his own thing and do what he needs/wants to do and just forget me and what I think. He will never go anywhere with me again after this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a body with no soul. I have lost every bit of confidence and drive to do anything. There was a time I would never leave the road and was really popular and always out. I don't know what has happened.

Stavro Mueller

Which is why you need to be careful about the going out thing. Why not go out for as many drinks as you're comfortable with then head back. Let him stay out as long as he wants. And for the sake of compromise on your behalf knock the plan for that long walk in Hyde Park on the head. Especially if he's feeling rough the next day.

Koptain Liverpool

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

Yes I know he is being more than accommodating which is why I am saying I feel selfish and a burden and feel like I am only going to ruin his trip because of the way I am. He doesn't deserve someone like me to be a pain in the h*** and no fun. I want him to do his own thing and do what he needs/wants to do and just forget me and what I think. He will never go anywhere with me again after this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a body with no soul. I have lost every bit of confidence and drive to do anything. There was a time I would never leave the road and was really popular and always out. I don't know what has happened.

You don't have to feel bad about not wanting to do everything he wants to do. That is not selfish or being a burden. Everyone is entitled to do their own thing. Plenty of groups of friends go on trips where some of the group go out and party while others prefer to take it easy in the evenings.

What would be selfish would be expecting him to change his plans because you don't want to go out. If he's a good friend I'm sure he'll be happy to go out himself while you have an early night. He'll be delighted that you're doing some things with him during the day. You really don't have to be concerned about pleasing everyone all the time. But neither should you expect people to do as you want to do/feel like doing.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself to feel like you're no fun if you don't go out for the night. Feel proud of yourself that you're going to enjoy other activities on the trip during the day.

Lorna123

All that is happening here is that you are suffering from anxiety. I would not be an expert here OP but you will never want to do anything if you don't make an effort. I know it is hard at the start but you have to start sometime. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in your own company stuck at home. This is only a 2 day trip so would it be that hard for you to come out of your comfort zone just for these 2 days in London. I don't mean this in any kind of a critical way at all. I am just trying to point out that if you don't make an effort nothing will happen for you. You have to do things in order to work up the enthusiasm to do them, if you can understand this. If you never do anything you will never want to do anything.
"Activation motivates enthusiasm". Hope you enjoy the trip.

queenofsteel1

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

What would be selfish would be expecting him to change his plans because you don't want to go out.

I dont want that at all. I want him to make the most of his trip and go out and do what he wants without me I dont want to hold him back and make him feel like he has to stay in with me because I am too tired.

Stavro Mueller

Tell him that. Tell him that you're more than happy to go home early and stay in the room by yourself. And that you genuinely want him to stay out and enjoy himself.

queenofsteel1

cymbaline wrote: »

Tell him that. Tell him that you're more than happy to go home early and stay in the room by yourself. And that you genuinely want him to stay out and enjoy himself.

I have but then he gave out because he said I should have told him all this before we booked it. But at the time I did want to as I said its when I thought more into it and we started to make more concrete plans that I wanted to get an early night rise early and make the most of my day. We are only there from 8pm tomorrow until 5pm on Saturday (flying back at 7pm). Because of ana I get so tired so easy and then I just cant function at all thats why Im just afraid of a late night as I have to drive back also.

But then if he does go out on his own I ma going to feel awful that he has had to do that because it cant be fun to do it alone.

December2012

Hi OP,

Your last few posts seem to express a negative circle of thought.

Remember that you are recovering from a very serious sickness, one in which self loathing can take a huge part.

You are not a burden to your friend.

He's your friend.

Trust him, he's presumably not an asshole. He wants to spend time with you because he likes you and he thinks he will enjoy himself with you.

Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling deep down, and not about what you want from this trip?

Hey OP,

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I'll change the scenario around a bit.

You broke your leg a couple of months ago but when you booked the flights your leg was feeling better and you thought you would be well able for the trip. Now it seems your leg isn't as good as you thought it was and it hurts you if you are on it for too long so you dont' like to go out for long nights. Would you think that's unreasonable? I doubt it.

The thing is, you have a illness - a mental illness, you are unwell and you are recovering. Good on you for going to London, that takes courage.

Now, if it was your leg, you would probably just see how you get on on the night, take it as it comes and head off once you're feeling like you've had enough. Do the same now. Don't think about it immediately, you could end up having a great night and not wanting to go home at all. You are increasing your anxiety levels by putting too much thought into it and stressing yourself out. Don't do that any more. Go away, enjoy your weekend, do what you are able to do - you might surprise yourself

Take care, and have a great weekend!

Taltos

We have taken the steps of deleting an unwelcome post from this thread as well as two subsequent posts which referenced it. The poster in question is taking a weeks vacation from PI.

Can I remind posters to only post inline with our charter, as this a strictly moderated forum we have no tolerance for any messing about at the expense of an OP or other posters.
Also as per our charter, if you have an issue with a post, just report it, please don't reply to it.

Thanks
Taltos

Stavro Mueller

Maybe you are expecting too much of this trip. You're talking about trying to get the most out of your time in London while at the same time mentioning that you tire easily. How about looking on the trip as a baby step rather than an exercise in trying to cram in so much. Why not just try to enjoy a little of London and see how you get on rather than overthinking things and getting stressed.

London's not going anywhere and you're getting professional help for your problems. Hopefully as time moves on you will start to get better.

queenofsteel1

I feel so silly, I am panicking like a maniac here. I thought we were ok until he just said that he is using london to step outside his comfort zone aswel (he came out as gay a year ago) and he wants to go to that g.a.y bar. I really don't want to go there but now I feel under pressure to go with him

Esoteric_

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

I feel so silly, I am panicking like a maniac here. I thought we were ok until he just said that he is using london to step outside his comfort zone aswel (he came out as gay a year ago) and he wants to go to that g.a.y bar. I really don't want to go there but now I feel under pressure to go with him

Did he discuss going to a gay bar with you back when you booked the trip and you were up for a bit of clubbing? If he didn't, I'd just say that you're uncomfortable going to a gay bar, but have no problem at all if he wants to go himself. Sounds like he's not taking on board anything you've said to him tbh.

Lorna123

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

I feel so silly, I am panicking like a maniac here. I thought we were ok until he just said that he is using london to step outside his comfort zone aswel (he came out as gay a year ago) and he wants to go to that g.a.y bar. I really don't want to go there but now I feel under pressure to go with him

Well then don't go to the gay bar. Let him go by himself. Do not feel under pressure at all. You just say that you don't feel well and go back to your hotel. It will all work out OP. He won't force you to go anywhere you don't want to go. He can't blame you for not wanting to go to this gay bar. Just look after yourself.

queenofsteel1

Thank you so much to everyone that has replied to my post. It feels so reassuring to know other people's opinions and that Theres always someone there to help and offer advice.

I have all packed now but he is still hell bent on heading out until 1 o clock. I know I do not want to head out for this long so I'm just going to have to say no. In the beginning there was supposed to be another guy going with us but he backed out so that has added pressure to me. I just hope it will all go ok.

Had a session with my counsellor this morning and she said I may need anti depressants so at least I am getting the help I need to get through this

ivytwine

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

Thank you so much to everyone that has replied to my post. It feels so reassuring to know other people's opinions and that Theres always someone there to help and offer advice.

I have all packed now but he is still hell bent on heading out until 1 o clock. I know I do not want to head out for this long so I'm just going to have to say no. In the beginning there was supposed to be another guy going with us but he backed out so that has added pressure to me. I just hope it will all go ok.

Had a session with my counsellor this morning and she said I may need anti depressants so at least I am getting the help I need to get through this

That's good to know OP. I'm not sure why the gay bar thing bothers you more than a normal nightclub but just to let you know that there are if I rightly recall two GAYS, one is called GAY HEAVEN and it's off Charing Cross Road. This one is a bit smaller and cheaper I think to get into. I presume as fairly young and broke people ye'll be going there. Went there with some gay friends of mine around 4 years ago and really enjoyed it.

The music is loud of course but you know what there's a bit of pressure off you as a straight girl, whereas yes there are lesbians and bi girls, it's mostly gay men, so there's not the pressure to look amazing and you won't have guys pawing you either. You can relax a bit for the night and concentrate on trying to enjoy yourself. I don't know if that helps or not but if you do end up coming home later than intended, the buses run all night and in that part of central London there's a pretty safe atmosphere.

Also, I'm not sure how you are around food at the moment with your condition but make sure to keep yourself hydrated and keep alcohol to the absolute minimum. Hydration would be the main one, it's a long couple of days and London is usually a couple of degrees hotter than the rest of England. It's 20C there now apparently but it'll feel hotter.

Good luck m'dear, do try and enjoy it, it's really the most amazing city x

Stavro Mueller

I hope your trip goes well. You might need to think though about why you're so resentful of your friend being "hell bent" on staying out til 1 a.m. It's his holiday as much as it is yours and you'd swear staying out til this time was something he's insisting on to ruin your holiday. Let him stay out as late as he wants. You're not his keeper.

Grumpypants

queenofsteel1 wrote: »

I dont want that at all. I want him to make the most of his trip and go out and do what he wants without me I dont want to hold him back and make him feel like he has to stay in with me because I am too tired.

You sound like you have a pretty good friend there, and the only thing that will ruin the weekend is if you keep going on about how you don't want to ruin his weekend over and over.

Your friend obviously wants you to go because they enjoy your company, they know you are not a night owl and know you will go home around 9 but they still want to ensure you get home safe.

And they want to head back out so you don't worry yourself sick that you ruined the weekend by going home at 9.

So here is what you do. First stop saying you will ruin the weekend, you won't. Do all the things you can during the day. When you get tired let your friend take you home to the hotel. When you get there say thanks I'm home safe now you head out and enjoy the rest of the night I'll see you in the morning.