how do you know you're ready to be a parent?

forgetmenots

Would really appreciate some advice here. I'm 32. My fiance and I always planned to have a family, 3 children in an ideal world, and we gave Sept 2013 as the time to start trying because - lets face it - I don't have a heap of time, and we're never really going to be "ready" so we might as well just do it. We love eachother, our relationship is strong, so I'm lucky in that. (We can't afford the wedding yet but when things pick up we can do that later). I'm freaking out slightly that (i) I'm not maternal enough, (ii) I don't have a permanent, secure job, (iii) I don't really like older children and teenagers of friends, I find them spoiled with all their ipads and designer labels and bad attitudes, (iv) I haven't done all the things in life I thought I would have done, in terms of travel etc, but then again I suppose you can never do all that and (v) I'm a demon if anyone wakes me up at night! Surely these are not good signs? I love my fiance and when we're together it all seems natural, but then in the cold light of day its scary as hell. What if I'm a bad mother?
Anyone else out there a bit scared? :eek::eek::eek:

Asporadic

I dont think many people were "ready" when they had their first child. Theres always something or other that we want to get out of the way first (travelling/career/education etc). And then inevitably, when you get that out of the way, theres something else we want to sort out.

I think, especially if age is an issue, you should just bite the bullet and make a start.

I always point out that theres a lot of mothers that managed to put themselves through college and get a decent job all the while managing a family.

Having a family makes things that bit harder, but its not an end to your life. Probably the only door it really closes is traveling.

Regarding kids been unmannerly/spoiled/rude etc... well thats more of a reflection of bad parenting then kids been inherently bad. Dont let that stop you.

Hello Lady!

I totally get where you are coming from OP. You sound very like me. I am a pretty no-nonsense sort of person. I am not one who goos and gaas at babies. If someone hands me a baby, I honestly don't know what to do with it - out of politeness I hold it long enough to seem interested, but secretly I'm thinking 'here will you take your baby back??'. I only like good children, and even then I have a limited attention span. I am not keen on socialising with other people's children - we often get invited to birthday parties etc of friends kids and I can't think of anything worse to go to. I am a bad person :P

Having said all that, I think a lot of people if they are honest don't really like other people's kids. It's that old saying - 'kids are like farts, you can only tolerate your own'. For many parents, you socialise with other parents and kids, not because you 'enjoy it but because it is good for your own kids.

I bit the bullet a few years ago when we started trying - my feeling was, ok I'm not sure I definitely want kids, but I am equally not definitely against the idea. And if I don't have kids I might regret it, but I have never actually met anyone who did not love their kids and regretted having them (I know some people might, but by and large most people say their kids are the best thing they ever did). So on that premise I decided to go for it. Also the control freak in me was quite taken by the idea of being properly in charge of someone - my husband only allows me to be in charge of him up to a point! lol I also have this idyllic idea that my kids will of course be bloody great and will show up all those other parents who haven't a clue and who have bold, rude annoying kids. Everyone will love my kids.

But once we started trying we found out there were fertility problems. I am now 35 and after 4 years of trying last April we went through IVF to finally be pregnant. If I had procrastinated or worried for another few years then I probably would never have kids and would be regretting waiting so long.

I'm pregnant now with twins, and still have days where I think 'am I really the mothering kind?' All the same factors are still there - no patience for bold kids, don't know how to handle some of the 'weird' things kids come out with (some call them funny, but to me some of them are just weird! lol), still can't picture myself being someone who's social life revolves around play dates etc etc. But at the same time, when I think of my mam, she wasn't so much different than me, and I think she was the most fantastic mam ever.

Not all mammies are the same. Not all mammies are huggy kissy people. Not all mammies are the sort of people who spend all their waking hours thinking of their kids. And not one mammy ever in the history of the world has been perfect. Mammies come in all shapes and sizes and personalities, and so do babies/children. Once you love your kids and do your best, you find your own way of living that suits your family and I am pretty sure anyone can do that. Its not a special gift, its just called getting on with life.

josip

OP don't bother waiting until Sep 13, start in Jun 13.

We started trying when we were both 32 and finally after a long IVF road had our first when we were 38. We regret that we didn't start 12 months earlier when we were making up our mind if we were ready.

As soon as the baby pops out into the big bright world you'll know that you're ready to be a parent

LadyMayBelle

OP you should just like me! Im a year younger and having panics thinking where am I gonna fit in all the stuff I want before having kids?! Yes I want them as would my partner, but I feel Im far to selfish to right now for sure, but feel I had better get that attitude shifted in the next couple of years! I love my sleep ins, the extra money (rare, but still mine!), the fact I can get up and do what I want when I want, no dependants..aggh! I also get a bit sad thinking that'll I neevr do that backpack across Europe etc, ..So I guess Im just empathising with you and want you to know youre not alone!

forgetmenots

thanks for the replies everyone. I'm a classic cases: was too busy out having fun and acting the eejit during my early 20's then my late 20's were spent picking up the pieces, i.e. getting some qualifications (which have turned out to be useless in terms of getting me a job), getting rid of useless no-hope relationships with totally unsuitable guys and generally starting to live my life properly...then, bam! I'm 30, I've met "Mr Right" (if such a thing exists), but the first 2 years are spent in a long-distance relationship (well, different counties) and then...yikes! I'm 32 and the pitter-patter of tiny feet can be heard. Suddenly my friends have kids, and I start looking into fertility and the dreaded "don't do it after 35" scaremongers. Now I'm like "sh*t, better get cracking" even though we're not married (I'm not traditional but I always figured the wedding day would be easier without babies in tow) and we barely have a penny to scrape together. Not to mention The Fear that once we do have a baby I will find it almost impossible to get back to work, because in my sector it would nearly cost me to actually go to work, between childcare and the commute it just wouldn't be worth it. So much to think about! At the same time, I'm comforted by the fact that I love my fiance, and he will make a great dad, and if I do manage to have a baby I should see it as a blessing that I'm confident will make everything else seem worthwhile...at least I hope so!!

mitosis

In my opinion one ought to have kids early enough in life you can still be capable of having fun/travelling/getting pi55ed or whatever after they are old enough to look after themselves. Leaving it until late 30s+ means you would be in your 50s+ by the time you can devote your time to your own pleasures.

No-one is really ever ready until it happens. Maturity kicks in hard and fast when you have a child.

Hello Lady!

mitosis wrote: »

In my opinion one ought to have kids early enough in life you can still be capable of having fun/travelling/getting pi55ed or whatever after they are old enough to look after themselves. Leaving it until late 30s+ means you would be in your 50s+ by the time you can devote your time to your own pleasures.

No-one is really ever ready until it happens. Maturity kicks in hard and fast when you have a child.

Problem is, if you have kids when you are very young, you might not be emotionally ready for it. When I think of myself at 25 compared to now, whilst physically I would have been better able to cope, emotionally I am in a much better place now. Also the relationships I had in my 20's were no way near long term partner and father quality.

And so what if I can't go out and get pi55ed when they are teenagers? I've done all that and I am now in a place where I am happy to be a home body.

I had friends who had kids in their early 20's, while the rest of us were out partying and travelling they were home with babies. They now have teenage kids and are ready to go travelling/partying, but they often find that when they invite us out, lots of us can't go (or don't want to go) because we are home with our families.

But at the end of the day, I don't think it really matters which way around you do it, it is a personal choice. Older/younger parents are not necessarily any better or worse than the other. My mum was a newly wedded 20-something when she had my sister. She was nearly 40 when I arrived. I don't think either of us would say that she was a better or worse mum to us because of her age.

ETA - I would also argue that as a parent there is never really a time when they stop being your responsibilty you have to take care of. Even at 20 years of age. Or 30 when they have their own kids!

Rose35

mitosis wrote: »

In my opinion one ought to have kids early enough in life you can still be capable of having fun/travelling/getting pi55ed or whatever after they are old enough to look after themselves. Leaving it until late 30s+ means you would be in your 50s+ by the time you can devote your time to your own pleasures.

No-one is really ever ready until it happens. Maturity kicks in hard and fast when you have a child.

I did all my partying and travelling in my early twenties and had my first baby last year (in my thirties), i am now ready to leave all that partying behind, and devote myself to raising my little man, dont get me wrong, i still enjoy a good night out, but i was no way mature enough until my thirties to take on the responsibility and also didnt know the true meaning of love until i met my now partner which only happened in my thirties, had lots of meaningless relationships in my twenties.

December2012

If you feel it's the right time to start trying then it is the right time.

Even going into the delivery room women may wonder if they're cut out for motherhood.

It's on the job learning but you get enough time to learn what you need to.

Go for it and good luck - oh and start taking a good prenatal supplement now with folic acid.

wolfpawnat

There is no perfect time, you are never 100% ready. If you want kids, then have them. There will always be things niggling at you such as finances, etc. You will stress yourself out and time will go by thinking about these things.

As long as there is nothing huge that you want to do that you cannot do after children, go for it when suits you. It can take a while. I came off my pill at 24, and only got pregnant at 26 (after going back on it due to 18 months of failing) oh the irony! :rolleyes:

The doubts on whether or not you will be a good parent will always be there, hell even when you are a parent they eat at you, but to say you are even questioning it rather than assuming you will be great means that you are well up for the job Half of this parenting thing is winging it!

I wish you loads of luck.

LH2013

I totally get where you coming from ! We have just started trying both 30 - We have gone thru a range of emotions / worries / crazy thoughts ! !
One being ahhh we are too young another what if we ruin their lives !!!!
I guess there is no real way to know when your ready and the deciding factor for me was when I saw him with a friends baby ! Good Luck !!

er1983

I know! Me & my husband started trying since march & still waiting, no sign of aunt flow for two days even though last 3 months I got them on the day, thing is I've always been somewhat irregular starting to think folic acid vitamins made them regular maybe a coincidence, I really hope this is our time because it feels horrible when it doesn't happen :-(

Nicman

forgetmenots wrote: »

Would really appreciate some advice here. I'm 32. My fiance and I always planned to have a family, 3 children in an ideal world, and we gave Sept 2013 as the time to start trying because - lets face it - I don't have a heap of time, and we're never really going to be "ready" so we might as well just do it. We love eachother, our relationship is strong, so I'm lucky in that. (We can't afford the wedding yet but when things pick up we can do that later). I'm freaking out slightly that (i) I'm not maternal enough, (ii) I don't have a permanent, secure job, (iii) I don't really like older children and teenagers of friends, I find them spoiled with all their ipads and designer labels and bad attitudes, (iv) I haven't done all the things in life I thought I would have done, in terms of travel etc, but then again I suppose you can never do all that and (v) I'm a demon if anyone wakes me up at night! Surely these are not good signs? I love my fiance and when we're together it all seems natural, but then in the cold light of day its scary as hell. What if I'm a bad mother?
Anyone else out there a bit scared? :eek::eek::eek:

Oh my God it's like looking in the mirror i always loved kids but the older I get the more allergic Im becoming. And I see how unhappy and stressed most of my friends are who have young kids - it's a total turn off!

Like the other poster who was a 'late-real-life-starter', I too fecked around most of my twenties, wasting time with loser guys, missed out on travelling because of it and was too up my @rse to go back to college. So Im only getting those things done in the last couple of years.
It's scary thinking you have to get cracking soon or it'll all have become barren in there and I keep ignoring it but the guys are right. If it's left too long you could figure out you have trouble conceiving and then it may be too late to fix and will regret it for the rest of your life - not to mention the guilt you'd feel because the love of your life can't have kids either.....

It's just hard cause when you do meet the love of your life you're so busy having a wonderful time together that you never had with anyone else to even consider ruining it (ie the days of long romantic strolls and quiet glasses of wine at home are gone forever yes?!!)