My counsellor died!

Pandora2

And I feel bereaved in a really weird sense. I had been attending sessions for about 6 weeks and had confided a lot so there was a relationship, if only from my perspective. First and foremost I am devastated at the loss of this caring and compassionate young life. So sad for the family and I know now, the end game of a long illness that had blighted their young life. Obviously borne with courage and strength. I can only imagine their loss and my deepest sympathy is with them.

Alongside that is this feeling that I have lost someone very close to me, we met at a very low point in my life.....so low that after our initial session I was convinced this person loathed me but, somehow I kept going back, something I had never managed to do despite many previous attempts!! Now, by no means do I feel 'fixed' but I am vastly more optimistic than I was then, with a long road ahead. There's a fair bit of work to be done. In short, I built up a rapport on a very personal level with the counsellor. I was aware they were ill and that it was a serious enough illness but, they were at work and young and upbeat and positive so I presumed all was under control. Their death was by no means flagged to me, something I understand given the parameters of our 'relationship'. So a deep shock when I was told.

It has occurred to me that when we first met such was my despair that I had contemplated seriously my own demise...talked about it with my counsellor, at length...that my 'issues' must have seemed to them so easily solvable whilst their own 'clear and present danger' was out of their control..how ungrateful I must have seemed.

The person who informed me was very kind and we spoke a bit which is how I know anything about my counsellor at all! I now know they leave behind a spouse and probably a family. It was mentioned that there is to be a service but, I am sure it is not appropriate to attend. A complete stranger to the bereaved as I would be. I will however, send a card passed on through a 3rd party. I'm open to advice on this...is it a bit weird? Not necessary? I always worry about intruding on peoples privacy.

And then there is the thing I feel most awful about of all, I feel like a selfish bitch tbh!! I don't know if I can start this process again with anyone else! I was so low when I started going to the counsellor that I was laid bare...spoke about stuff that I had never discussed with anyone else...vulnerable....but the counsellor had recently remarked that I was diverting the sessions away from myself and we were trying to work on some stuff that I was avoiding like the plague! I just can't see me letting anybody that close again....but will that mean another 'crash and burn' down the road? Not sure if I can do that! Where would I start with someone new? I mentioned to my family that my counsellor had passed away but that is where the conversation ended, as limited as my relationship theirs was less..there was nothing further to say.

Apologies for the long post....

December2012

What you could do is send a letter or card to the family care of the funeral home looking after the arrangements. I'm sure it would comfort his family to know that he had a positive and helping effect on you.

Don't feel selfish because you're without your counsellor. It is an intimate relationship, even if its not social. What about being referred to a colleague of his, who could use his notes?

To be honest I'd say you need somebody to talk about this grief too.