Should I tell his girlfriend?

LegacyUser

In April on a night out I kissed a guy who I'd know a little from being in similar social circles, and then again at the beginning of June we kissed again at a house party.

I thought it was grand, casual harmless fun, but then a few days ago I found out he has a girlfriend. Now, when I first found out I was shocked, didn't think I'd ever be that girl that someone cheated on their partner with - she was even at the house party we kissed at! What on Earth is going on?

They seem to be in a long term relationship; they've travelled together, they've moved into a new house together and they also have a cat...

I feel terrible for his girlfriend, I know it was only kissing and no further but I feel so responsible even though I didn't know. She's a lovely girl too; at the house party we chatted for ages and got on very well. The thought that they're in a long term relationship and he's done this to her is terrible... I don't want to act like some sort of home-wrecker or whatever but I'm torn between telling her or just keeping my mouth shut.

I've never been in a situation like this before so I could really use some advice.

CaraMay

Omg what a creep. I would like to know if I were her.

judgefudge

I'd tell her. I know there's a lot to be said for "keep your mouth shut its not your problem" but if she's a nice girl and it happened more than once she should know. Just explain you had no idea. Worst thing that can happen is she flips out and blames you. She's not your best mate so you won't lose a friend over it, and you'll know you've done the right thing.

I'd tell her.

The Corinthian

thesecondgirl wrote: »

I don't want to act like some sort of home-wrecker or whatever but I'm torn between telling her or just keeping my mouth shut.

Ironically, telling her will be the act that would result in you becoming a 'home wrecker'.

It's not your problem, or frankly business; keep away from him and get on with your life.

December2012

The Corinthian wrote: »

Ironically, telling her will be the act that would result in you becoming a 'home wrecker'.

It's not your problem, or frankly business; keep away from him and get on with your life.

I disagree with this - the cheating by the boyfriend is what caused the problem. He's the "home wrecker"

judgefudge

The Corinthian wrote: »

Ironically, telling her will be the act that would result in you becoming a 'home wrecker'.

It's not your problem, or frankly business; keep away from him and get on with your life.

I just think this attitude is a cop out. I know you didn't know he had a girlfriend and you're therefore blameless. I know you don't owe her anything. But if it were you, I'm sure you'd want to know right?

I have spoken to the girl my ex cheated with, and she told me what went on. I never for a minute blamed her. To this day I'm glad she had the guts to tell me the truth because it made me look at the relationship and everything that was wrong and move on. You've kissed him twice, god knows who else he's been messing round with. She should know.

The Corinthian

judgefudge wrote: »

I know you don't owe her anything. But if it were you, I'm sure you'd want to know right?

I wouldn't. Certainly not for something as trivial as a snog.

Not everyone is the same and not everyone will thank you for telling them. Honesty in not always the best policy and can even cause far more harm than good, upon occasion. Morality is black and white only when you're young and stupid and know everything.

The OP could tell this guy's partner, but it's unlikely she'll be thanked for it. To begin with, she's the 'Other Woman', but more importantly she'll be opening a can of worms that may lead to events that even this guy's partner will not want. On top of this, she herself will be drawn in to the whole mess, far beyond where she is now.

And for what? This guy's partner's piece of mind? She's got that already; it's called ignorance. To make things better for her? Sure, as long as you don't make things worse. So as to stop this guy from cheating again? If he's that bad, he'll just cheat on his next girlfriend.

So the OP feels better about herself? And there we have the reason people tend to confess.

So on balance, I'd reiterate that she should keep out of it, keep away from him and get on with her life. If she informs this guy's partner and the results of such an action may become a matter of future regret for all concerned - if she's willing to deal with the consequences of that (on behalf of all involved) then she should go for it, if she so wishes.

WittyKitty1

I'd want to know if it were me!

But, you might be causing trouble for yourself by getting involved anymore. She may not react in a relieved to know sort of fashion.. Haven't you noticed before how girls who have been cheated on seem to blame the other girl as oppose to their boyfriend?

I'd let it go and just hope that he gets caught in the act one of these days. But, if it's really on your mind and you feel you have to do something about it then i'd send him a text saying you know now he has a girlfriend etc etc.. perhaps, that might give him a little scare.

Either way, it's not your problem. But I do feel sorry for his girlfriend, that's my biggest fear in relationships to have that sort of thing going on behind my back!

judgefudge

The Corinthian wrote: »

I wouldn't. Certainly not for something as trivial as a snog.

Not everyone is the same and not everyone will thank you for telling them. Honesty in not always the best policy and can even cause far more harm than good, upon occasion. Morality is black and white only when you're young and stupid and know everything.

The OP could tell this guy's partner, but it's unlikely she'll be thanked for it. To begin with, she's the 'Other Woman', but more importantly she'll be opening a can of worms that may lead to events that even this guy's partner will not want. On top of this, she herself will be drawn in to the whole mess, far beyond where she is now.

And for what? This guy's partner's piece of mind? She's got that already; it's called ignorance. To make things better for her? Sure, as long as you don't make things worse. So as to stop this guy from cheating again? If he's that bad, he'll just cheat on his next girlfriend.

So the OP feels better about herself? And there we have the reason people tend to confess.

So on balance, I'd reiterate that she should keep out of it, keep away from him and get on with her life. If she informs this guy's partner and the results of such an action may become a matter of future regret for all concerned - if she's willing to deal with the consequences of that (on behalf of all involved) then she should go for it, if she so wishes.

You may think a snog (twice) is trivial but a lot of people wouldn't. Who said she should be thanked for it? I wouldn't expect to be thanked if I were in her position but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her. Also you're insinuating that this woman is happy in ignorance. That could be true, but it could just as easily not be true. She may already have trust problems with him and maybe she needs concrete evidence to solidify her feelings so she can leave. You don't know.

Of course I don't know either. It's down to the OP. don't just assume that everyone who's told their partner has cheated is worse off for knowing, and blames the person who told them. Cause it's just not true.

I'd want to know and I think you should tell her, it's a good thing to do

The Corinthian

judgefudge wrote: »

You may think a snog (twice) is trivial but a lot of people wouldn't.

By the same logic you might think a snog important, but a lot of people wouldn't. Does that give either of us the right to impose our morality on others?

Also you're insinuating that this woman is happy in ignorance.

And you're insinuating that this woman would not be.

That could be true, but it could just as easily not be true. She may already have trust problems with him and maybe she needs concrete evidence to solidify her feelings so she can leave. You don't know.

And neither do you, but in your ignorance you're convinced that the correct course of action is to tell her nonetheless. I on the other hand, in my ignorance, am convinced that given I don't know, the best or safest course of action is not to get involved further.

don't just assume that everyone who's told their partner has cheated is worse off for knowing, and blames the person who told them.

I've not; I've only recommended the best or safest course of action if you don't know. I lack your certainty about what this guy's partner wants, I'm afraid. Or maybe I lack the ability to project upon her what I would want.

Now if she does know this woman well and is pretty certain she would want to know, that's another story, but she's not indicated that here as yet.

wallycharlo

thesecondgirl wrote: »

...she was even at the house party we kissed at! ...

So did he sneak you out behind the bike shed or the like to make sure that he would not be caught, or that someone who knows his girffriend would see you, etc ? ...

If not, and he's being so blase about it, perhaps there is more to this couple than meets the eye?

stargazer 68

Well personally OP I would say nothing. You have no 'proof' that you kissed him twice or that you didn't know he had a girlfriend. You could bring a whole heap of grief on top of yourself for a girl you don't know.

Yes, telling her could make her 'keep an eye' on him or on the other hand he could just say that you fancy him and are out to make trouble.

The Corinthian

@OP; TBH, this thread seems so spilt on whether to tell him that, unless you have further information on the subject to give, you might as well toss a coin on whether you do.

ShiverinEskimo

Whenever I hear these stories I always remember how flippantly old people joke about how many people they were seeing before they married. My mam would joke about how she had 2 or 3 fellas 'on the go' before she settled down.

Thank f**k none of those busy-bodies decided to tell Dad or I wouldn't exist.

Leave them be lest you ruin a long-term relationship over a couple of drunken shifts. You act like you're looking to do the girl a favour but it reeks of revenge/'if I can't have him no-one can' if I'm honest.

If they go the distance it could be the story they laugh about when everything in their young years seems to less important than it did at the time.

ash23

If I were the girlfriend I'd want to know.

But having been in the position you were in, I'd advise you to tread very carefully. A friend of a friend was in a LTR with a guy. He made a move on me one night and I told our mutual friend who told the girlfriend.

Well, all hell broke loose. He twisted it around on me and his girlfriend chose to believe him (of course as it was the easiest and safest option for her). I basically lost that group of friends and by association the girl I was good friends with as it became difficult for her to hang around with me (she was married into the other girls family). I never thought that would happen, that I would end up being the one ostracised.
It still maddens me a bit that he is still in his relationship, still "in" with his group of friends and still slagging me off when he is the one who tried to cheat on his girlfriend.

All I did was tell the truth because I would have wanted to know.

If faced with the same predicament again, if there was absolutely no connection to me and this couple again, I'd tell her. But if we had mutual friends or there was any chance of a fall out for me, I'd go to him, tell him I know he's a two timing toe rag and that he is never to so much as look in my direction again.

judgefudge

The Corinthian wrote: »

By the same logic you might think a snog important, but a lot of people wouldn't. Does that give either of us the right to impose our morality on others?

And you're insinuating that this woman would not be.

And neither do you, but in your ignorance you're convinced that the correct course of action is to tell her nonetheless. I on the other hand, in my ignorance, am convinced that given I don't know, the best or safest course of action is not to get involved further.

I've not; I've only recommended the best or safest course of action if you don't know. I lack your certainty about what this guy's partner wants, I'm afraid. Or maybe I lack the ability to project upon her what I would want.

Now if she does know this woman well and is pretty certain she would want to know, that's another story, but she's not indicated that here as yet.

In fairness, your doing the exact same thing as I am "in my ignorance". Neither of us know the girlfriend or how she would react in this kind of situation, so I don't think it's fair to disregard my viewpoint because it's different to yours. I accept where you're coming from and I can see why some people may think that but I will always consider honesty to be the best policy, when in doubt.

wallycharlo

The whole 'would I like to know if that was me' debate is an interesting one.

If you had asked me 10-15 years ago I would certainly have been a very positive 'Yes, I most definitely 100% would', and I would in fact have been very vocal on this ...

... ask me today though and I'm not so sure anymore ...

The Corinthian

judgefudge wrote: »

In fairness, your doing the exact same thing as I am "in my ignorance".

Not exactly, because "in my ignorance" I'm choosing the safest option - do nothing.

judgefudge

The Corinthian wrote: »

Not exactly, because "in my ignorance" I'm choosing the safest option - do nothing.

You're assuming that's the safest option. It could backfire completely if this girl finds out or if someone else saw them.

LegacyUser

wallycharlo wrote: »

So did he sneak you out behind the bike shed or the like to make sure that he would not be caught, or that someone who knows his girffriend would see you, etc ? ...

If not, and he's being so blase about it, perhaps there is more to this couple than meets the eye?

That's what baffled me, it wasn't like he was sneaking around because then I would've obviously thought something was up - anyone could have seen us.

I'm also not trying to act like "If I can't have him no one else can" - I just genuinely am torn between whether this girl should know or not... I wouldn't go near him now I know he's up to this sort of thing. I feel really really horrible about it, if I were her and this happened I'd be devastated if no one told me.

What's stopping me is the fact that it's obviously a very invested relationship what with them just moving into a house together... But if she is the sort of girl who just doesn't want to know then I really don't want to cause any problems. Perhaps it'd be best for me to say something to him rather than her and see what he has to say for himself; I can't believe I've gotten myself into such a situation.

The Corinthian

judgefudge wrote: »

You're assuming that's the safest option. It could backfire completely if this girl finds out or if someone else saw them.

If they weren't caught on the night, 99,9% of the time it's a pretty safe assumption.

judgefudge

The Corinthian wrote: »

If they weren't caught on the night, 99,9% of the time it's a pretty safe assumption.

If's and doubts. If it's ok to make one assumption then it's ok to make any assumptions. None of us here know how this will play out. So everyone obviously have different opinions based off past experiences or beliefs.

OP I don't know why it would make a difference that he's in an invested relationship. I would have thought that's actually worse. But don't be worrying about being caught up in a situation, you do always have the option of keeping quiet and walking away. If you don't think you can go and tell her then don't pressure yourself into it.

homerjay2005

thesecondgirl wrote: »

That's what baffled me, it wasn't like he was sneaking around because then I would've obviously thought something was up - anyone could have seen us.

I'm also not trying to act like "If I can't have him no one else can" - I just genuinely am torn between whether this girl should know or not... I wouldn't go near him now I know he's up to this sort of thing. I feel really really horrible about it, if I were her and this happened I'd be devastated if no one told me.

What's stopping me is the fact that it's obviously a very invested relationship what with them just moving into a house together... But if she is the sort of girl who just doesn't want to know then I really don't want to cause any problems. Perhaps it'd be best for me to say something to him rather than her and see what he has to say for himself; I can't believe I've gotten myself into such a situation.

if nobody else knows, then just forget about it and move on. i get the feeling however, this is more about YOU, than this lads girlfriend.

let them alone, what ever happens to them will happen and if they are not meant to be together, then so be it. its nothing to do with you.

The Corinthian

judgefudge wrote: »

If's and doubts. If it's ok to make one assumption then it's ok to make any assumptions. None of us here know how this will play out. So everyone obviously have different opinions based off past experiences or beliefs.

Whatever. Maybe I'm just old enough to know that there's no such thing as karma. Anyhow, our side conversation isn't doing the OP any good, so I'll bow out.

CaraMay

Wou you try to get a conversation going on facebook or something as proof of what happened and then send it on to her. You sound like you want to tell her. If you do, make sure you have back up for your story.

Aside from that he is obviously very careless and is very likely to be caught sooner rather than later.

ShiverinEskimo

thesecondgirl wrote: »

What's stopping me is the fact that it's obviously a very invested relationship what with them just moving into a house together...

I reckon take this and run with it. Leave their relationship up to them.

Nothing good can come of you driving a wedge between them as it will 100% end up in tears for all involved.

CaraMay wrote: »

Wou you try to get a conversation going on facebook or something as proof of what happened and then send it on to her. You sound like you want to tell her. If you do, make sure you have back up for your story.

Aside from that he is obviously very careless and is very likely to be caught sooner rather than later.

So fight trickery and deception with more trickery and deception?

Who made the OP the relationship-police? The OP doesn't know the ins and outs of their relationship, doesn't know what effect this will have on everyone involved etc. What real harm has been done? Honestly? What good will come of it?

Won't someone think of the poor cat?

ShaShaBear

This will not end well.

I, of course, would want to know if my partner even snogged someone else. We're engaged, and I had to see a counsellor to help with my trust issues over the amount of times I had been cheated on and messed around emotionally by men in the past. I am so invested in this relationship - we live together, have a dog together, he really is my rock.

Now, if someone told me they kissed my OH on a night out, I would confront him in private. And if he told me it was a lie and gave an excuse to collaborate, I would believe him. Because if I didn't believe him, I would have to pack up, move home, leave my dog and lose the only good thing I have had in my life in the past 9 years. My life would be positively ruined.

You can fully expect and presume that if you approach this girl you barely know and tell her that her boyfriend cheated on her with you, that you will be shunned, laughed at and slandered. She is most likely not going to believe you, confront her boyfriend, and then get an elaborate story as to why you are making it up and then the gossip around parties is that you like to target other girls' men. The only possibility of her believing you and subsequently dumping her boyfriend is if he has done it before and she knew about it.

Say nothing, tell him you know and that if he tries it again you will be forced to tell her. He'll automatically stay away from you in future, and it will scare him into behaving lest his girlfriend has already been informed.

Zen65

CaraMay wrote: »

Wou you try to get a conversation going on facebook or something as proof of what happened and then send it on to her.

This is how "bunny boilers" start out!

In any tale of infidelity, the arrival of a "bunny boiler" makes the cheating partner look like the victim.

Z

Taltos

judgefudge & The Corinthian - please don't post on this thread again.
Having both contributed to PI before you know where we stand on debates - we either close the thread / we action those pulling these threads off topic.

Please consider this your final warning, and not just in relation to this thread. There are other forums here to have such debates but PI/RI is an advice forum and we are allowed to have differing opinions, no one view is correct all of the time. If there is any confusion on this please have a read of our Charter again.

Thanks
Taltos

wallycharlo

thesecondgirl wrote: »

That's what baffled me, it wasn't like he was sneaking around because then I would've obviously thought something was up - anyone could have seen us...

This is not adding up with me in that case, i.e. his girlfriend was there and he was kissing you completley out in the open at the same party?

As you sure that are a 'real' couple so to speak?

Geomy

There's only you and him involved in this scenario at the moment.
Maybe it's best just to forget about it.
You could end up the worse off here, because more than likely they will end up together and if he's manipulative enough to snog you, he's manipulative enough to worm his way out of this one.

Id let it go, get on with your own life, you sound like a conscientious lady, woman...

If he goes at you again make a conscious decision on the matter.

Guys like him usually burn out and get found out. ..

He did this before, you can be sure of it ;-)

matt-dublin

if the OP tells his partner its likely to be seen as a bid to get the guy out of the relationship for herself.

there's no benefit to anyone here. if the guy doesn't tell his partner he's a prick but again the weight shouldn't be on the OP's shoulders as she didn't do anything wrong

matt-dublin

the OP should push the bloke to tell his GF if anything, she shouldn't do it directly.

If he doesn't want to do it that's not her problem.

If she does it directly she will be seen as trying to free him up for herself. The girlfriends mates will side with the girlfriend on this and single her out.

I've seen it happen so so so many times.

ShiverinEskimo

sunflower27 wrote: »

If he does that when she is at the same party, what does he get up to in her absence?

I really don't see how such speculation helps. You can't assume anything.

For all we know he really likes the OP enough to risk it and doesn't have eyes for anyone else.

Or of course he could be a raging nympho tiger-woods-alike.

My point is deal with what we do know, not what we don't. What we do know is he guilty of kissing another girl and that's that. Worth ruining a long-term relationship over? Not for me personally. If their relationship goes the distance than not telling will prove the lesser evil, if it doesn't then the wheel of life trundles on.

Either way - If the OPs true intentions are indeed only doing the right thing the only possible advantage for anyone is the GF who currently is in the unique position of 'what she doesn't know can't hurt her'.

JenEffy

You don't know that they're not in an open relationship. Honestly, you shouldn't tell her. He'll lie to her and then she won't know what to think. If a random girl came up to me and told me my boyfriend kissed her I'd be mad. Unless you can prove it there's no point - it'll just mess with her head. Why do you care about random people's relationship anyway?

clairefontaine

Chances are he will deny it and paint you to be a lying bunny boiler. And she will believe him because she wants to.

kylith

If you tell her you run the risk of being labelled a homewrecker and a trouble maker, regardless of the truth of the situation. I don't recommend telling her, but I do recommend telling him exactly what you think of him.

blackbird98

I wouldnt tell her, all he has to say to defend himself is that you came onto him and then you are seen in a different light. it was only a kiss after all, so no big deal.

As you said yourself, you kissed him

ShowMeTheCash

I think people are getting mixed up on who actually posted this thread:

A lot of "If it was me I would like to know"...
The woman cheated on has nothing to do with what is being asked...

If you want to tell the girlfriend, you need to ask yourself why?

Why would you tell her? If you did not know he had a girlfriend and she was going out with him, then really you are not friends with them, perhaps someone you know to see but essentially knew nothing about them...

Unless you have some other motive to essentially break them up?
Regardless of whether you think you are doing the correct thing or not... You mentioned that you run in the same circles... If you tell her, even if she thanks you... You might find you will never run in that circle any longer... As you will alway be the girl that went with such and suches boyfriend...

You do not own her anything nor him for that matter, if life is good why mess with it..

Boskowski

You'd be mad to tell her.
Whatever happened between you and him and the fact you're unhappy about him being in a relationship is still between you and him. Meaning you're probably going to avoid him.

Anything beyond that is none of your business and I dont say that to protect the guy or something. I say that to protect you.
You're assuming she will want to know, what if she doesn't? You could ruin a relationship over something as harmless as a snog.

But most likely this would actually turn back on you.

Seriously. Very bad idea.

swaner

ypu shouldn't tell her if you ask me. Why? There is about 100 reasons NOT to do that...

MagicMarker

I'd want to know if my partner cheated on me.

If you do it, don't expect any thanks and a handshake.