5 years into relationship ... I`m at breaking point

surfing.dude

Hi all,

I`ve noticed that theres quite a few threads in this forum so I hope a few of you will read this and hopefully give me some advice.

Im going to be very honest with whats happening, I`m in desperate need of help, I dont know where else to go to or who else to talk to.

I`m looking for other peoples point of view on this so any suggestion is appreciated.

Ive been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. Its been a crazy ride for the first 2 years. Ive been with 2 girls before her and the fact that she had to look everyday at the last girl Ive been with before her drove her bananas. She was really jealous, got me to do awkard things to embarass the other girl, etc etc. It was weird and nasty. I was so in love with her, didnt want to lose her so I always tried to keep her happy. After the butterflies went away and things cooled down a bit (about 2 years in the relationship), I realised that I was living with a sad person so I asked her to change. I told her that I wont put up with her sadness or jealousy anymore.

Amazingly enough, she has changed. It took a while, but she did. She wasnt jeleaous anymore, she wasnt sad anymore, she was herself.

My biggest problem is that Ive been tormenting her for the last 2.5 years or so about what shes been doing for the first 2 years of our relationship.

I just cant get over it, the sadness, the jealousy, the weird stuff, the awkard moments, the useless cries, the drama.

I keep remembering everything that happened. I dont know what to do.
I dont even know if I love her anymore. I like spending time with her but I can get pretty nasty with her when I remember the stuff in the past.
I dont want to do it anymore, I want everything to be ok. I would love to marry her, have kids with her, buy a house ... but how do I stop thinking the way Im thinking?! How do I put the past behind?

She always says to me when I get mad at her that shes sorry and that she cant change the past, can I not let go and just enjoy what we have?

This whole thing is driving me mad, Ive had numerous nights when I couldnt sleep, I call her names, I raise my voice sometimes, then I apologise and say Im sorry. I am genuinely sorry always, but I cant help remembering the bad stuff.

Please help ! I am so eager to see some replies from other people, I feel better already writing this down here.

Took me a long time deciding whether I should write this down for other people to see or not.

Thanks in advance all
Any suggestion is welcomed

daddyorchips

surfing.dude wrote: »

Hi all,

I`ve noticed that theres quite a few threads in this forum so I hope a few of you will read this and hopefully give me some advice.

Im going to be very honest with whats happening, I`m in desperate need of help, I dont know where else to go to or who else to talk to.

I`m looking for other peoples point of view on this so any suggestion is appreciated.

Ive been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. Its been a crazy ride for the first 2 years. Ive been with 2 girls before her and the fact that she had to look everyday at the last girl Ive been with before her drove her bananas. She was really jealous, got me to do awkard things to embarass the other girl, etc etc. It was weird and nasty. I was so in love with her, didnt want to lose her so I always tried to keep her happy. After the butterflies went away and things cooled down a bit (about 2 years in the relationship), I realised that I was living with a sad person so I asked her to change. I told her that I wont put up with her sadness or jealousy anymore.

Amazingly enough, she has changed. It took a while, but she did. She wasnt jeleaous anymore, she wasnt sad anymore, she was herself.

My biggest problem is that Ive been tormenting her for the last 2.5 years or so about what shes been doing for the first 2 years of our relationship.

I just cant get over it, the sadness, the jealousy, the weird stuff, the awkard moments, the useless cries, the drama.

I keep remembering everything that happened. I dont know what to do.
I dont even know if I love her anymore. I like spending time with her but I can get pretty nasty with her when I remember the stuff in the past.
I dont want to do it anymore, I want everything to be ok. I would love to marry her, have kids with her, buy a house ... but how do I stop thinking the way Im thinking?! How do I put the past behind?

She always says to me when I get mad at her that shes sorry and that she cant change the past, can I not let go and just enjoy what we have?

This whole thing is driving me mad, Ive had numerous nights when I couldnt sleep, I call her names, I raise my voice sometimes, then I apologise and say Im sorry. I am genuinely sorry always, but I cant help remembering the bad stuff.

Please help ! I am so eager to see some replies from other people, I feel better already writing this down here.

Took me a long time deciding whether I should write this down for other people to see or not.

Thanks in advance all
Any suggestion is welcomed

if you want advice forgive and forget because if you want kids and marriage and all the stresses that go with it then there is no point fighting about the past look towards the future if you genuinly are sorry for sorry but being a complete dick then dont be a dick again if you dont love her though dont continue a relationship because it won't get better

Esoteric_

Tbh, I'm not sure what to advise you here.

The way you're treating her sounds disgusting. She treated you badly and made some terrible mistakes, but she changed for you because she loves you. So why can't you change the way you're treating her, if you loved her?


I think you need to sit down and think long and hard until you figure out why you can't move on from the past. Is it because it involved your ex? Are there possibly unresolved issues or feelings with said ex?

Your actions don't sound like the actions of a man who loves, likes or respects his girlfriend. If you can't figure out why you're still holding on to this, but want to save the relationship, seek professional help to help you figure it out, so you can stop treating your girlfriend like this.

CaraMay

You need about 6 months apart to figure what you want. You don't know if you love her yet you want to marry her and have kids???

December2012

I wonder if you keep going on about her and the bad things she did, because you cannot forgive yourself, no come to teens with, the mean things you did.

surfing.dude

daddyorchips wrote: »

if you want advice forgive and forget because if you want kids and marriage and all the stresses that go with it then there is no point fighting about the past look towards the future if you genuinly are sorry for sorry but being a complete dick then dont be a dick again if you dont love her though dont continue a relationship because it won't get better

Thanks, I do want to be with her, I just hate all the fighting that I`m starting with her

surfing.dude

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Tbh, I'm not sure what to advise you here.

The way you're treating her sounds disgusting. She treated you badly and made some terrible mistakes, but she changed for you because she loves you. So why can't you change the way you're treating her, if you loved her?


I think you need to sit down and think long and hard until you figure out why you can't move on from the past. Is it because it involved your ex? Are there possibly unresolved issues or feelings with said ex?

Your actions don't sound like the actions of a man who loves, likes or respects his girlfriend. If you can't figure out why you're still holding on to this, but want to save the relationship, seek professional help to help you figure it out, so you can stop treating your girlfriend like this.

Thanks for replying,
No, Its got nothing to do with my ex. I never had any feeling for her, shes long gone out of the picture so not worried about that.

Its just that I feel so weird thinking back on the stuff thats been going on, I cant get it out of my head!

Maybe I need professional help...

miamee

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder if you keep going on about her and the bad things she did, because you cannot forgive yourself, no come to teens with, the mean things you did.

This - OP you say she made you do embarrassing and awkward things. But she didn't hold a gun to your head, did she? You agreed to do them. You were weak and you gave in to her, doing things that made you feel guilty and embarrassed and you (I'm assuming) hurt the feelings of your ex, someone who you used to care about.
Until you realise that you played your part in those horrible things you did and accept it, you will keep blaming your current girlfriend I think and continue to do and say horrible things to her as well.

It's not 100% her fault that these things happened at all IMO. Obviously this is just based on the post that you wrote and the facts you gave us.

surfing.dude

CaraMay wrote: »

You need about 6 months apart to figure what you want. You don't know if you love her yet you want to marry her and have kids???

I always imagined myself doing that with her, I can see myself being happy with her, shes great around kids, shes a loving partner, she always helps me when I need help ... still, I start all of these horrible fights.

Our relationship is not all fights... We do things together, Its all good, we`re happy for a while but then I just randomly remember things from the past and I start fighting with her

surfing.dude

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder if you keep going on about her and the bad things she did, because you cannot forgive yourself, no come to teens with, the mean things you did.

I cannot believe that I did all that horrible stuff, thats the problem. Its like I was under some kind of a spell !!!

surfing.dude

miamee wrote: »

This - OP you say she made you do embarrassing and awkward things. But she didn't hold a gun to your head, did she? You agreed to do them. You were weak and you gave in to her, doing things that made you feel guilty and embarrassed and you (I'm assuming) hurt the feelings of your ex, someone who you used to care about.
Until you realise that you played your part in those horrible things you did and accept it, you will keep blaming your current girlfriend I think and continue to do and say horrible things to her as well.

It's not 100% her fault that these things happened at all IMO. Obviously this is just based on the post that you wrote and the facts you gave us.

I never cared that much for my ex, but I never imagined that I would treat her like a piece of s**t either, especially after breaking up with her.

The excuse from my girlfriend was always - you slept with her, I have to look at her everyday, I hate her. Had to completely stop talking to my ex, couldnt even look at her, had to scratch her car writing who** on it just because my girlfriend wanted to, send NASTY text messages to my ex (they were horrible and theres been quite a few of them). All of this was very rude, provoking, insulting stuff.

Just remembering this makes me SICK !

I know I accepted doing all of this, but at the time I genuinely thought Id lose my girlfriend if I didnt do all of these things

P. Breathnach

surfing.dude wrote: »

...
Maybe I need professional help...

I think you do.

I suggest that you tell her how you have been feeling and, if it doesn't sound too like psych-speak, how you feel about how you have been feeling. You asked her to get over a mindset that was damaging and she did it for you. That is an immense achievement. You now need to get over a mindset that is damaging, and you don't seem to be able to do it unaided. So get the help. Involve her: she's on your side.

Esoteric_

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I think you do.

I suggest that you tell her how you have been feeling and, if it doesn't sound too like psych-speak, how you feel about how you have been feeling. You asked her to get over a mindset that was damaging and she did it for you. That is an immense achievement. You now need to get over a mindset that is damaging, and you don't seem to be able to do it unaided. So get the help. Involve her: she's on your side.

This, 100%.

The way she reacts to your comments towards her makes it seem to me that she really has changed, is sorry for the past and just wants to be happy with you. Why else would she stick with you when you lash out so badly? She obviously loves you to be doing that.

I do think you should talk to a professional about this. You're seeing her part in what happened, but you seem to be refusing to accept that you took part in it, too. You've passed it off as 'well, I was going to lose her if I didn't.' So? Most rational people would have run a mile from somebody telling them to do those things, but you CHOSE to do them and you need to step up and take responsibility for your part in it, as your girlfriend has done with her part.

StillWaters

surfing.dude wrote: »

I cannot believe that I did all that horrible stuff, thats the problem. Its like I was under some kind of a spell !!!

You weren't under a spell OP. You have to take responsibility for that awful stuff. Have you ever apologised to your ex, as I think she is due one?

You are still doing horrible stuff OP by 'tormenting' your current partner. I think you might need to talk to a Counsellor to unknot all this.

maria34

How about contacting that girl (yes you both!) and say sorry for what you have done.

If she cant do that she isnt changed. Simple as that. I dont think she has, she is just happy you have done it.

Poor ex ...

Neyite

Here is what I think. Her past behaviour is a convenient excuse for when you are nasty to her. You get nasty, then bring up the past to justify being nasty, she gets upset and begs you to forgive and forget, and you get a nice little buzz from being all superior. You say that you get angry because of the past but I think its the other way around.

Yes she behaved badly. So did you. Yet you blame her. Did she hold a gun to your head? No. You went and vandalised your ex's car because you chose to do what your girlfriend asked. You chose to do it because you had no real objection to it. Take responsibility and ownership for your own actions.

You'll bring this up once too often and she will tell you that if you cant get past it, that you have no future. And she will mean it.

And while its a nice idea about apologising to the ex, leave the poor girl alone. I'd say you both are the last people she wants to see.

December2012

surfing.dude wrote: »

I cannot believe that I did all that horrible stuff, thats the problem. Its like I was under some kind of a spell !!!

Look, maybe you don't like the person you became when you were with her then.

Are you still with her to prove a point to yourself that you were right when you thought she was worth it?

Hannibal Smith

maria34 wrote: »

How about contacting that girl (yes you both!) and say sorry for what you have done.

If she cant do that she isnt changed. Simple as that. I dont think she has, she is just happy you have done it.

Poor ex ...

^^^^ This. ...I think you feel guilty for what you both did to this girl and you're taking it out on your girlfriend. I think you need to apologise to your ex for what you did and that will bring closure for you.

It would also be interesting to see how your girlfriend reacts to this. Is she only ok now because your ex is out of the picture, bring her back in will all the insecurities resurface?

surfing.dude

sunflower27 wrote: »

I'm sorry, this sounds an awful mess and it is all very sick and twisted.

I cannot understand why you both waged a war against an innocent girl whose only crime (mistake!!) was sleeping with you. What right did you have to be nasty? Seriously?

Your gf sounds pathetic and sad. Terrorising someone because you had a life before her?

I think your relationship sounds very toxic and if you want it to work I suggest couple counselling. Jealousy doesn't just go away and the ease that you were able to be manipulated to be nasty is worrying.

Good luck.

I thought that jealousy was a thing you could never get rid off aswell, but she did. Dont ask me how she did it, but she did.

I was manipulated very easily, It wasnt right at all. Trying to work through it though, I learned a lot from this and it was definitely the worst experience I had to go through

Thanks

surfing.dude

Neyite wrote: »

Here is what I think. Her past behaviour is a convenient excuse for when you are nasty to her. You get nasty, then bring up the past to justify being nasty, she gets upset and begs you to forgive and forget, and you get a nice little buzz from being all superior. You say that you get angry because of the past but I think its the other way around.

Yes she behaved badly. So did you. Yet you blame her. Did she hold a gun to your head? No. You went and vandalised your ex's car because you chose to do what your girlfriend asked. You chose to do it because you had no real objection to it. Take responsibility and ownership for your own actions.

You'll bring this up once too often and she will tell you that if you cant get past it, that you have no future. And she will mean it.

And while its a nice idea about apologising to the ex, leave the poor girl alone. I'd say you both are the last people she wants to see.

Couldnt agree with you more when you say to leave the ex be. I can see that many of ye suggest I apologise to my ex but I strongly agree with you here, I think Im just going to pass on this one. Im not trying to budge out of it but I wouldnt want to upset her by making contact again. I suggested it last night to my girlfriend, I said that we should both apologize to my ex, she agreed, she had nothing against it. Then I told her that its not necessary anymore after thinking about it for a while. I think it would be too much for the ex...

I never thought about all this as me being in the wrong aswell. After reading all the replies I realize that I did have an equal part in all of this. However, not trying to deny that I am equally to blame, I did know at the time that everything was very wrong. Took me a long time until I scratched my exs car and all the rest. Took my girlfriend a lot of pushing to get me to do it. I eventually gave up and did it. It is worrying that I did do it but I am positive that I would never do anything of the sort again. Learned a lot from everything thats happened.

With regards to me being nasty to my girlfriend at the moment ... I think that my girlfriend, the way she is now, is perfect. I wouldnt change anything about her now. I do get angry about the past alot, and it has nothing to do with anything else. I dont want to look superior in anybodys eyes. I get sick remembering the past and thats whats making me act the way I do.

Im tormenting my girlfriend with this, thats why I said Ill start this thread here because I know I need help. The way this is going we`ll be finished soon if I dont do anything about It. So im trying to act on it now

surfing.dude

December2012 wrote: »

Look, maybe you don't like the person you became when you were with her then.

Are you still with her to prove a point to yourself that you were right when you thought she was worth it?

I dont like the person I am at the moment. I hate whats happening.
I know my girlfriend is worth it, Im sure of it. I do want to be with her, she is amazing. But something has to change.

The way Im treating her at the moment is not good at all, I hate myself for doing it. I dont like doing it, I feel miserable when I do it, I want to stop doing it and be happy. I hate fighting, roaring, shouting. I need to change

surfing.dude

sunflower27 wrote: »

I agree! If nothing else the poor ex can finally relax and know the terrorising and vandalising has stopped for good.

If you really do feel bad, you will swallow your pride and both apologise to her. That will show if your ex is really 'over' her jealousy. Sounds to me like your girlfriend told you to do these nasty things to prove how much you loved her. Pure toxic.

Please read reply I gave to Neyite with regards to saying sorry to my ex.

When I asked my girlfriend why she did all those things, why she was so sad and gloomy, why she made weird demands, etc she said that she cant explain it, she said she realized that her behavior was a freak behavior. She knows she was in the wrong, she said sorry to me a million times so far. Even with all of that though, Im the one thats bringing it back all the time now. I want to put it behind me. I want to stop fighting

surfing.dude

Reading your suggestions, I decided to go and get professional help. Thanks for all the input, you`ve all been a tremendous help.

December2012

Good luck.