I think I'm a true addict

somefeen

Have tried everything. Alan Car, Cold turkey, patches, gum , electronic cigarettes.
I cant go more than 15 hours

I gave up twice before and was stupid enough to end up back on them. First time I quit I lasted about 8 months. It was really bad that first time, I don't know how I did it and wish I could do it now. I was ****in insane for about a week. I literally ran around in circles to keep the cravings off.
The second time I quit was about 6 months after I started again, and it was grand, I don't know why but it just wasn't a bother. Started again like a ****ing idiot about three months later.
I've now been smoking 20+ a day for just over 3 years. Constantly trying to quit, pretending I've quit to keep people happy etc.
My girlfriend thinks I'm off them a week now. *eeep*

I've started thinking back to the times when I managed to actually quit and I don't understand how I did it then but not now. Right now I am basically being forced to quit because the nearest shop is 6 miles away, opens at stupid times, the car is banjaxed, and my girlfriend and parents think I've quit.
Funnily enough, most of the failed attempts (well they were all failed attempts since I started again but you know what I mean) were at times when I had to quit. No money or "its me or the fags" bull**** from herself. Somehow I would find the money (have actually stolen from honesty boxes, housemates etc or raked through ashtrays to find other peoples butts ) or lied my ass off to smoke and carry on smoking for another couple of days until I came into some money or had to eventually fess' up to smoking and promise to try again.

Yesterday I was trying to quit. I hadn't smoked since midnight. I stayed in bed until 1pm to try and sleep through the worst of it. But around 3pm it got the better of me I was dying, absolutely dying for one. But the shop which is again, 6 miles away was going to shut in 15 minutes (it was a sunday).

So I fired up the car.
Which has no tax, no insurance, one tyre as flat as a pancake, another as bald as a banana, a buckled wheel, leaking brake pipes and barely enough petrol in the tank to run a lawnmower for a half a minute.

Somehow I made it to the shop and bought 20 John Player.
It was pissing rain so I lit one up in the car ( which was dangerous enough considering the leaking petrol tank).
As soon as the smoke hit my lungs and I felt 'normal' again. I thought about how stupid I was acting. I got out of the car finished the fag, told the guy in the shop that the car was broken down and could I leave it there overnight.
Then I walked home, in the driving rain. No Jacket since I left in such a hurry but I smoked the whole way. Like I was replacing all the fags I hadn't smoked since my 'last one' at midnight.
First thing I did when I got in was send my OH a facebook message; "Off the fags 7 days today! Won't smell of smoke when you come to visit!!"
I had only managed 15 hours and when she comes to visit next week I will be either trying to hide my smoking from her (impossible) or doing the usual "I slipped up and feel bad, gonna try a different approach next time" routine.


This is just one example of stupid **** I have done when in need of a fag. I just wanted to recount it here because reading it back it sounds typical of a drug addict and it scares the ****e out of me.
The lying, deception, dishonesty, stealing, going through other peoples rubbish, putting myself and others at risk. All for a a dose of cancer.
When I have fags I can see how stupid I'm being. I don't enjoy them, they ruin my health, cost extortionate amounts of money.
I've read the Alan Car book and everything in there is correct, and right now I know it is.
But as soon as I need a cigarette I forget all about it.

They say the cravings peak at 72 hours, so what ever I felt at 15 hours yesterday was only the tip of the iceberg? It will get worse!?!

I know on my previous two 'successes' there was no barrier to my smoking. I had money, no one to nag me and 24/7 petrol stations.
This time I have someone to nag me and no ready access to cigarettes like I used to, but now its harder. Is it because I don't want to but have to? Should I wait until the car is fixed/replaced so I at least have the freedom to go and get them whenever I want. Then it will be a choice and not a result of circumstance

But I think that's just the addict looking for an excuse to smoke for another few weeks.



tl;dr. I'm ****ed

DonkeyStyle \o/

Sometimes the panic of not having them available is enough to go out and get them. I've managed a lot better when I have cigarettes hidden away somewhere. I know if I absolutely "need" one, I can get one... and somehow that's enough to go another few minutes (and past the craving with any luck).
I still smoke like a chimney, but out of my quitting attempts, it kinda worked for a while... knowing I could go back on them any time I wanted, but choosing not to. T'was a much more relaxing and in-control experience for me.

mashedbanana

I know it's very very tough. Almost feels impossible, but can certainly be achieved. (I was a smoker, would some you under the table, about 30 a day, Lambert & butler....nice & strong)

It could take you 8 'genuine' heart felt attempts before it actually happens. Each of my first attempts lasted 3 weeks. I convinced myself that I could just maybe smoke at the weekends...not Monday to Friday. We built a brand new house had to decorate it....it was either the smokes or the nice house. smoking didn't help me keep weight off, all they did was cost me money. Eventually I was smoking more & more each day to get the same satisfaction. I ended up on Champix (which is free if you have a medical card~just letting you now. It worked for me. Wasn't a walk in the park mind you, I still had to be 'mindful' of dismissing my urge to smoke. Instead I'd distract myself, some days, I was CONSTANTLY distracting myself just to get through the day. First month is a killer...then you get used to it. Teeth brushing helped. chewing polo mints till my teeth hurt. that sort of thing. Take it not one days at a time...but 15mins at a time. The day will eventualy have to pass.

drunkmonkey

Another +1 for champix, everthing else failed for me. The champix bet me down though and i'm now heading for a year and half off the smokes. I stuck to the mediacation religously and it worked, it just destroys your will to smoke, your meant to stop before day 14 on the tablets it was about day 36 for me before I stopped fully.