Ex's warped behaviour caused massive hurt... AGAIN!

LegacyUser

First up I'd like to say I am very well aware that the only reason my ex was able to cause me any hurt is because I was stupid enough to allow him back into my life, and I know I will NOT be making that mistake again! I guess that's the only positive thing that's come out of all this mess. So here's what happened:

I spent eight years with a man and broke up three years ago, in the summer of 2010. That was the break up of my life, bar none. I cried myself to sleep every night from that summer till the following spring, and then eventually I got my head together and made a concious decision to move on.

When I'd been single about a year and a half I found out that in fact, about six weeks before we'd broken up, he'd lined up my replacement. That, of course, was a slap in the face, but I just kept going on my merry way and didn't give him much if any thought until early this spring when he started bombarding me with emails (he didn't have my number, I'd changed it since we broke up)

When all this started I told him flat out to fcukoff. I got a second round of emails a couple of months later, which I didn't even give the courtesy of a fcukoff to, I just ignored them. The emails started up again a while later and eventually I let the situation wear me down and I agreed to meet him.

I suppose it's important to point out that when we broke up there was none of what the yanks call 'closure'. There was absoloutly none. I had questions I wanted answered, like for a start how could he treat me with such disrespect as to line up my substitute six weeks before we broke up. Anyway we met up, unfortunately drink was involved and we ended up in the scratcher. There was no intercourse because there was just no way I was going to shag him, but long story short we slept side by side for four nights over the span of a week with him holding me, stroking my body, telling me he still loved me and he was sorry, his relationship with her never stood a chance because he never got over me, we ought to get married etc etc etc.

The strange thing is, on the first day of that week we spent together, I'd never seen him so emotional. He was roaring crying telling me how sorry he was, how he'd let me down, how he hated himself for hurting me, and on and on and on.

Anyway, after about week I felt a shift in his attitude and behaviour. He seemed very depressed, much less tactile, like he was pulling away. I had an inkling something was up so I checked the FB account of this girl he'd been seeing the last three years (they'd broken up about a month before I met him) and sure enough, there he was trying to catch her attention by liking stuff she'd posted on her page. That was enough for me and I got the fcuk out of there fast. Next thing the phone call comes - he rings me up a couple of weeks later to tell me he's back with this girl. I told him any fool could have figured that one out and asked what he was telling me for. He responded with "because she asked me to".

So here we are - I've allowed myself to be made a massive fool out of and I am furious with myself. I loved the bones of him for a long time so there is still a part of my heart that is gutted, but for the most part I just find this a contemptible situation and him a contemptible pr!ck. In a way I feel sorry for this girl because she hasn't the first clue what she's dealing with. If she could get a look through my phone or email account it'd be a sorry day for her relationship, put it that way! The truth of the matter is, he isn't treating her any better than he treated me, and she'll eventually cop on to what she's dealing with in her own sweet time.

I suppose I am posting this because I could do with a bit of support right now, I just feel so bruised and hurt. Also, all this just leaves me with more questions - questions like who behaves like this? And why?? Are some people just so sickened to see their ex's moving on that they have to go back and gut them all over again? Was he dealing with a residue of old feelings for me because he never moved on properly, having instead gone straight into a rebound relationship? Is there some logic behind this that I'm not seeing??

Maybe trying to see some sense in all this would help me put it behind me. I need and want to move on for good this time. Any thoughts or advice would be very welcome.

Thank you for reading.

CaraMay

He did it because he could not be on his own for 5 minutes and thought it was easier to go back to someone who loved him until he met someone new / got back with his ex.

Consider it a lesson learned and avoid him like the plague.

LegacyUser

I think you're right in one respect CaraMay; I definitely think he has that unfortunate mindset some people have where they can't stand their own company and cannot tolerate being alone for five minutes. That'd explain why he had to set up the conditions to hop from one relationship straight into the next.

I don't think it explains everything that's gone on here though. He spent five months trying to contact me, from January to May, and when we met up he'd only broken up with her a month. I definitely do consider it a lesson learned though - I've got my closure now!

beks101

Ah here, cut yourself some slack. You've been through enough as it is!

As to how he could treat you this way - he wasn't thinking about you. He was thinking about himself and his sorry single ass and his inability to cope with that. He took advantage of your caring, loving nature and wormed his way back in without regard for the absolute pain and heartbreak he had already put you through. Simply because he couldn't deal with being single again and wanted the ego boost / love / comfort you would give him.

Essentially, he's a weak man. He used up your time and your trust until you saw the light, and then he wormed his way back into his ex's arms in a similar way no doubt.

What comes through most evidently in your post is how strong you are. I don't mean that to patronize. You're resilient, emotionally intelligent, self aware and have a sharp wit. Eight years is a long time, of course there were residual feelings there for you. Those were taken advantage of. Now you know better.

He's someone else's problem now. You know that academically. It will take some time for that to sink in emotionally. But it sounds to me like youve already come through the bulk of the heartache and suffering with this guy - and perhaps this was just the final piece of 'closure' that you needed.

ash23

Ah op, don't beat yourself up. What would you prefer? To be a person who mistrusts people, doesn't forgive and is afraid to love?

The problem with opening yourself up to love is that you are vulnerable. You're leaving yourself open to being hurt. And when someone hurts you, it sucks and you feel stupid for allowing yourself to get hurt.
But what is the alternative? Hold grudges? Trust no-one? Ok, you won't get hurt....but you'll be alone.

Just work in getting over it op. He is a louse to behave the way he did. You gave him a second chance and he abused it. But it doesnt mean you were wrong to try.

Lorna123

At least you can now be more sure than you ever were that you are well rid of him. It should be easier to move on armed with this. I wish you the best OP.

ShaShaBear

I could have written this myself (actually had to check to see if I had:rolleyes: )

You are far, far better off, and expect that he will contact you again if things go up in smoke with his current gf. I recommend blocking him from your emails and your phone (there are apps that auto delete messages and hang up calls from a certain number if your network doesnt support the block. Also make sure he is blocked on Facebook, and his GF too just to be safe. I had an even bigger problem with mine as my mother was totally besotted with him even during the period we were originally split up, and I know for a fact that for a while after I started dating my now fiance, she did encourage him to try pursue me again! :mad:
Luckily I have blocked all avenues of contact for him, and the only way he could get in touch is to arrive to my house. Since the only person he knows that also knows my address is my mother, I'd be safe to assume she wouldn't give it out.

Not a few weeks ago (after he sent me a friend request on Facebook despite knowing I was engaged, and then tried to get my address by pretending to be his sister) I bumped into him while in the butcher's. He stalked me out of there, into Dunnes, and around three aisles. Luckily my OH was only outside having a smoke, and I had text him to arrange the surprise. So between the milk and cheese fridge aisles, my OH appeared and grabbed my hand. When we walked around, my ex actually squeaked with shock, dropped his basket and left. But he waited outside in his car and didnt start the engine until we started ours (Im sure he wanted to see the car) and followed us around town for about 5 minutes.

He was clearly going out of his way because he wanted what he couldnt have

ABajaninCork

Yeah, I've been there with the nutter ex. Only my nutter stalked me on and off for over 20 YEARS!!! It only stopped when I moved here.

Unbeknown to me, he used to wait outside my flat, send e-mails to my work with old photos of us, knew what car I drove, and used to watch me when I went out. Had to be on purpose, because where I lived is not on the road to anywhere. You'd have to know the area well. I was a bit freaked at first, but then laughed. His life must've been seriously boring to be checking out my boring life. I couldn't call the Bill as the stalking was on & off. He was smart like that...

OP - You've taken all the right steps so far. Keep his number blocked, and his e-mails consigned to the 'Junk' folder. Change your e-mail addy if you have to. Don't forget - the best form of revenge is a life well lived.

LegacyUser

I know it's a bit late but I just wanted to say thank you for these responses, especially yours Becks101,