His life seems complete without me

LegacyUser

So I've been with my boyfriend for a year now, we are both early twenties and I am his first ever girlfriend.
Honestly though, to me it seems like he life was totally complete before I entered the scene at that doesn't seem to have changed.
He has a job that he loves, he has a ton of friends, loads of interest and hobbies, a fab social life and a college course that suits him to the ground.
It feels like he is totally happy doing his own thing and if I weren't around he wouldn't miss me at all.
I haven't seen him in over a week now and he text me that he misses me as he prepares to leave to drop friends of his to something up the country and stay the night to go out with them.
I Know it's important to have your own life outside of a relationship, and I have my own friends and that as well. I guess it just hurts that I don't seem to be important to him.

Sometimes when he texts me now to meet up I feel like I just can't be bothered anymore.
It's probably wrong to feel like this, I guess I'd just like to hear opinions of others on this.

CaraMay

Why have you not seen him for a week? Does that happen regularly?

LegacyUser

Because he's been busy with other stuff. I had to go away for the weekend for a family occasion ( I wasn't keen on going but that's beside the point) and I asked to see him on Friday morning before I left. He had stayed in a different town the night before at his female friends' house for a session.
He couldn't be back in time to meet me because he had to wait for her to be ready so that he could give her a lift to our home town.

Things like this happen a good bit. I know it sounds like he isn't too in to me and may be using me etc. but this completely isn't the case.
I hear from his friends all the time about how mad about me he is and how he talks about me all the time. He is a lovely fella, a proper gentleman. This is why I can't understand why I'm always playing second fiddle to every other person in his life.

Merkin

Have you addressed this issue with him directly? He's either a. completely and utterly clueless and you need to tell him how hurtful it is or b. he doesn't really care as much as he should. It's all very well telling people he's mad about you etc etc but it's fundamentally you and him in the relationship and what matters is how you make one another feel. I'd talk to him about this if I were you.

CaraMay

Ah that's not on. He shouldn't be putting her before seeing you. I hate to say it but actions speak louder than words and while he may say he is mad about you, he certainly isn't acting it. It sounds like you are handy to have in the background when nothing else is on.

I'd talk to him and if he doesbt change then dump him. You are not getting what you want out of the relationship so why live with it?

December2012

Have you verbalised any of this directly with him, or are you assuming he should know how you feel?

LegacyUser

Yes, I have tried to talk to him about it but I find it hard to verbalise exactly what the problem is without making it seem like I'm whining about him hanging around with his friends.
Telling him he should put me first sounds bossy, he should want to do it for himself.

Honestly I think the only way he will see what I'm talking about is if I do the same as him and put my friends and hobbies before him. I don't want to go down the route of playing games though.

December2012

Try and write it down without "whining" as you call it. Refer to how "you feel" and not how "he never / he always".

Btw saying he "should want to" is game playing in itself.

Irish_Elect_Eng

It takes two people to make a relationship.

You feel that his priorities are not correct, he may feel that everything is grand.

Have you pointed out what your needs are in the relationship?

You said that this is his first serious relationship, and you describe him as a gentleman, give these two things, I doubt that he would be deliberately or consciously choosing others ahead of your. Perhaps he is just used to going out of his way to keep people happy and finds it hard to say no.

You need to sit down and have a chat to let him know what you need from him to be happy, perhaps he has some needs that you may not be aware of either.

Lenmeister

Hmm tough one for me this. I'd tend to look at it from the point of view that since "his life was complete already", then that means he's made time in his very busy and complete life for you. In that respect, he has changed and dropped things that were a part of his life and probably important to him, because you are more important. For someone who has a very busy and complete life, it can be very difficult to carve out time to see people.

Flipside is that since you are together, it should be only natural for him to make time for you. So it's only natural to say to yourself "why is he spending so much time with x and y instead of me ". "If he wants to be with me he should make me his number 1 priority" etc. I'm sure you already are, but you probably don't see it that way because you feel other people are taking up the time that he should be spending with you.

Maybe it's just a communication thing. You said you talked to him about it but couldn't really put it into words. If you can't say exactly how you feel then how do you expect him to respond, he's going to keep doing the same things. It's not whining at all to want someone to be more in your life. It just means that person means a lot to you. Also, maybe you'll have to accept that he is just a busy guy and likes to be very active and make time for all of his friends and his hobbies. Maybe he just isn't all that aware of how you really feel. Maybe if he knew exactly how you felt he'd be making more time for you.

Don't "do the same as him and put my friends and hobbies before him", you're right, it is playing games and will make things worse. Just have a better chat with him and find a way to "verbalise exactly what the problem is" as you put it.