Relationship where the two parties have contradictory beliefs

Sky King

I am curious to see if anyone here has a partner who is a believer, and how you find it. Personally it doesn't bother me too much right now - but could it be a problem long term? I don't particularly like the idea of being married in a church for example, though could probably be coerced into it ha ha.

What about when you have kids and one parent is telling them dead people are going to heaven and to pray to God to achieve A,B and C and the other parent is telling the kid not to bother because they believe it's a load of old bollocks.

That sounds like it could be stressful both for the kid and for both parents. Then you have the issue of school, where lets face it, they are going to be programmed with religion. If both parents are athiest, then they can just keep the kid out of it. But if there is a debate on that at home as well - more hardship!

As I said, none of this bothers me at the moment but I am interested to hear from anyone who might be a bit further down the road than I am. I have seen plenty of athiests say 'oh well this questions doesn't affect me I wouldn't be in a relationship with a theist' but unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way!

Cheers.

lazygal

I think it can only lead to conflict. A religious person, even mildly so (a la carte about things like wanting a church wedding/christening children) would have been a deal breaker for me. One of the reasons I knew I'd spend my life with my husband was our similar belief systems.

eviltwin

I'm married to an a la carte Catholic. It drives me mad to be totally honest but through compromise and just not talking about certain "moral" issues we disagree on we make it work.

I'm lucky in a way that he isn't totally involved in the church, he doesn't go to mass and picks and chooses what rules he lives by but he still would prefer the children to go to a Catholic school and go through the whole Communion/Confirmation thing.

The only reason though is because its what you do in his mind, not that he has any real belief in the process.

We haven't had our youngest christened and hopefully he will be going to an ET school. It did cause a lot of problems early on but ultimately I think he knew deep down that getting the baby christened just because its what people expect you to do isn't a good enough reason. I know deep down he hopes the kids find their way to the church as they grow up though.

We got married in a registry office, he was happy enough with that.

To be fair, when we first got together I had the same beliefs as him, I've only really identified as atheist in the past 6 years so I can't be too hard on him but I think if I was starting out now I'd be like Lazygal and only see someone who was also atheist.

Asporadic

My parents are as you describe. Mother is very atheist. Father is firm believer, goes to mass twice a week. When I was growing up neither of them "taught" me or pushed any beliefs on me. If I wanted to go to mass with my father I could. If I wanted to ask him any questions I could. And the same with my mother.

My wife came from the same background except in reverse. Her mother is very strict catholic and the father hates it. Again. There was never any problems for their kids growing up, and it didn't cause marriage issues.

Basically, imo, what makes it work is by leaving the subject well enough alone. If the kid comes to you, then yes answer any questions, but just don't go home schooling the kid on it "right son, today I'm show you yet another contradiction in the bible" and getting into lengthy talks and discussions about it.

For what its worth, my wife is very religious and Im agnostic on the subject. Our kids turned out fine and religion has never been something that caused rows in my household, or my parents household or my wifes parents household. It will only be a problem if you let it.

Penn

I don't think I'd have a problem dating a believer once they weren't too strict about their beliefs and were willing to compromise on certain things (as would I). When it comes to kids, best thing it to be truthful. Say "Your mother believes that this happens, and I believe this happens, but we don't know for sure."

robindch

Sky King wrote: »

Personally it doesn't bother me too much right now - but could it be a problem long term?

Perhaps you should have a frank conversation up front about who has permission to do what and under what circumstances? While making it clear that you're talking about it to avoid any misunderstandings? And write down any agreement for future reference. All in a supportive, friendly, helpful, open fashion. When negotiating, it seems reasonable to trade early religious exposure (ie, full religious wedding, full christening) versus no religious exposure when it actually matters (ie, when the kids are susceptible to it, meaning no communion, no religious school).

I'm suggesting this as I only know two "mixed" couples fairly well and in both cases, wifey has declared her religious beliefs to be the most important thing in the world and this has, in both cases, legitimized the wife's riding her religious hooves roughshod, and in public as both wives wish and demand, over the ashes of any wishes that her husband might once have had. It's not a hugely pretty sight.

I hope your experience is different, but a good relationship can certainly be built on a good, open understanding and respect for, each others' feelings and desires. As Penn says, it's all about compromise and if both sides are willing to compromise and are willing to remain so, then things should fine.

nozzferrahhtoo

There are certainly some fundie pastors in the US who think it will never work.

Certainly the existence of happily married people of different (or no) faiths seems to suggest otherwise though. Including my own brother.

Dades

It really depends how much importance either party put on getting their way. If something doesn't bend, often it will break.

It's likely only to ever be an issue with kids, but ultimately there's more important things like having a loving home not threatened by entrenched thinking on matters that, while meaning a lot in principle, have small effect in reality.

robindch

Dades wrote: »

[...] there's more important things like having a loving home not threatened by entrenched thinking on matters that, while meaning a lot in principle, have small effect in reality.

Good point. However, I'm not sure it's seen that way by the religiously-inclined.

Certainly, in the two cases I mentioned above, religion is brought into every activity, every time, everywhere and I've no idea how the two guys concerned deal with their wives' unwillingness to compromise generally on the topic, or even just to let it drop for a while and give everybody a breathing space. Then again, I'm not sure whether the whole topic was discussed earlier in their respective relationships - I'm inclined to think not, but then again, perhaps it was and perhaps everybody agreed, ahead of time, to allow each other to do whatever they wanted, religion-wise. Impossible to say really.

kylith

I don't think I could, I have enough trouble when OH watches Ancient Aliens even though it's just for the laugh.

It'll be fun when we have kids and his religious mother tries to stick her oar in. Luckily my parent know that when it comes to stuff like that I have no problem telling people exactly where they should stick that oar.

Dades

robindch wrote: »

Certainly, in the two cases I mentioned above, religion is brought into every activity, every time, everywhere and I've no idea how the two guys concerned deal with their wives' unwillingness to compromise generally on the topic, or even just to let it drop for a while and give everybody a breathing space.

That sounds unpleasant to say the least. And very divisive.

robindch

Dades wrote: »

And very divisive.

Sheesh, yer telling me. Had lunch with one of the guys two weeks back and he was bemoaning the advanced godology course she's doing with the crew that produce "Alive!", wondering out loud what that was all for. Hard to think of a helpful answer.

Penn

Man that really sounds like a pretty divisive issue in their relationship. Kinda reminds me of a quote from The Wire (which something Dades said also reminded me of):

"The tree that doesn't bend, breaks"
"But bend too far, and you're already broken..."

SmilingLurker

My wife is an atheist, which makes a lot of things easier. I never had a relationship with a believer, which makes me think subconsciously it was a deal breaker for me.

I think it could work, but would lead to a lot of friction. Depends on the two people, it would not have worked for me.

Galvasean

For me it all depends on how seriously they take it. Most of the girls I've ever dated were atheist/agnostic, which was handy. Most people in my age bracket seem to be of that persuasion anyway.

I did date a girl who was quite 'spiritual' - kind of new age stuff. I was quite willing to ignore i, 'live and let live' so to speak, but she was always getting paranoid that I didn't respect her because her previous boyfriend (also an atheist) was quite prone to looking down at her spiritual side. She was very persistent with it too. That actually drove me mad in the finish up - kind of like when someone asks why you're angry when you're not angry and then you end up getting angry because they won't let it go...

Then there was the homeopath... Oh the homeopath....

Nodin

eviltwin wrote: »

I'm married to an a la carte Catholic. It drives me mad to be totally honest but through compromise and just not talking about certain "moral" issues we disagree on we make it work.

I'm lucky in a way that he isn't totally involved in the church, he doesn't go to mass and picks and chooses what rules he lives by but he still would prefer the children to go to a Catholic school and go through the whole Communion/Confirmation thing.

.......

An anecdote in relation to a la carte catholics - you can believe it or not as suits.

Many years ago (over 25, I think) I bumped into a UCD student who I knew. He was out doing a bit of last minute shopping in the 24 hr and asked me what the cheapest thing he could get for some amount or other was. Sez I, with manufactured wisdom "sausages - ye'll get dinner and breakfast out of it" - he places them in the basket, and heads for the checkout, only to stop, turn and put them back. "whats the problem" sez I. He nods towards the (relatively new live-in) OH outside, "herself won't eat meat". "Veggie?" I ask. "no, its ash Wednesday" sez he.

Sky King

I remember the ould lad one time going into a deli in a spar or centra in some middle of nowhere town and all the guy had were potato wedges. He asked him if he had any sausage rolls or the makins of a breakfast roll or anything that way and the guys said jaysis I could't have any of that shtuff on ash wednesday, i'd be excommunicated from the parish!

Anyway interesting replies so far - I actually never consider a long term relationship where one party decides to change their beliefs - would it be a deal breaker then I wonder?

Nodin

Sky King wrote: »

I remember the ould lad one time going into a deli in a spar or centra in some middle of nowhere town and all the guy had were potato wedges. He asked him if he had any sausage rolls or the makins of a breakfast roll or anything that way and the guys said jaysis I could't have any of that shtuff on ash wednesday, i'd be excommunicated from the parish!

Anyway interesting replies so far - I actually never consider a long term relationship where one party decides to change their beliefs - would it be a deal breaker then I wonder?

Well....it would depend on whether or not (to keep the food analogy going) its "I no longer eat meat" or a "There Will Be No Meat In This House!!!!!" kind of thing.

Flier

Nodin wrote: »

Well....it would depend on whether or not (to keep the food analogy going) its "I no longer eat meat" or a "There Will Be No Meat In This House!!!!!" kind of thing.

Had to happen I suppose.:P

Nodin

Flier wrote: »

Had to happen I suppose.:P

They'd be sulky if I didn't.

Sarky

I once went out with someone who firmly believed that The Princess Bride was the greatest film of all time, whereas I believed it was only one of the greatest of all time.

It was doomed from the start, I suppose.

Dades

Inconceivable!

Turtwig

As you wish.

IT-Guy

I'm seeing a polish girl and we've had a chat about religion and beliefs in general. She's agnostic which surprised me given how most of the Polish that I've met believe in God to varying degrees. She recently read Proof of Heaven by Eben Alexander and remained unconvinced after so maybe there's hope for her yet!

Prior to my current gf, a close friend and I were getting a little closer and I was contemplating asking her out but I didn't due to her relatively recent renewal of faith. She, her sister and close friends are also completely anti-abortion which was the deciding factor in the end. It's been funny listening to her criticising the 'weird' beliefs that other religions have while I'm sitting there laughing at the cognitive dissonance. She's aware of it too which I can accept in a friend but not in a partner, as she said herself we'd end up killing each other!

Hotblack Desiato

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