Relationship problems - what to do

LegacyUser

Don't know if it's just me being unreasonable, or if i've changed in some way but really need advice. With my bf nearly 3 years, he's the best in the world. Lately some issues have really been getting to me and don't know what to do. I feel like he never wants to do things I want to do. For example he's never been to a concert and i've asked him time and time again about going to different festivals or concerts and he won't go. He rarely makes an effort to go out with my friends and has not come to some family events. My bf is quiet where as i'd be more outgoing, however does it get to a stage where it's no longer being quite but being selfish or should I cut him some slack. Whenever we go away we take it easy and chill out, which is lovely, but it would be nice if we just let our hair down every once in a while and went to a club or did something a bit more lively. My bf always drinks a lot more or stays out later when he's with his friends, which is kind of hurtful. I know that probably sounds childish. We had spoke about moving in together which has been put on the long finger and he's unwilling to compromise about where we move to. This probably sounds trivial compared to some issues, but it's starting to get to me.

ShaShaBear

Gfriend wrote: »

Don't know if it's just me being unreasonable, or if i've changed in some way but really need advice. With my bf nearly 3 years, he's the best in the world. Lately some issues have really been getting to me and don't know what to do. I feel like he never wants to do things I want to do. For example he's never been to a concert and i've asked him time and time again about going to different festivals or concerts and he won't go. He rarely makes an effort to go out with my friends and has not come to some family events. My bf is quiet where as i'd be more outgoing, however does it get to a stage where it's no longer being quite but being selfish or should I cut him some slack. Whenever we go away we take it easy and chill out, which is lovely, but it would be nice if we just let our hair down every once in a while and went to a club or did something a bit more lively. My bf always drinks a lot more or stays out later when he's with his friends, which is kind of hurtful. I know that probably sounds childish. We had spoke about moving in together which has been put on the long finger and he's unwilling to compromise about where we move to. This probably sounds trivial compared to some issues, but it's starting to get to me.

I dated someone like this, and it went flat pretty quick. The turning point for me was when he arrived to my house to give me money he'd borrowed. He was heading out with his mates, who were with him in the car. I had wondered why he was so shady looking, until one of them shouted and said "Take a motilium and stop whinging - come on out!" As it turns out, for some reason, he felt like he would have to "mind" me when we went out, and that he couldn't have any fun. But telling his friends I was sick, and not inviting me was the last straw, and I told him where to stick it.

Trust me, if you can't even get him to do stuff with you know, it's going to get ten times worse if you live together and he has the "but we spend time together every day" excuse.

LegacyUser

Thanks Shasha bear. We need to have a serious talk about where things are going.

ShaShaBear

Gfriend wrote: »

Thanks Shasha bear. We need to have a serious talk about where things are going.

I can understand not wanting to be a big, exciting and public outgoer, but if he is not even making a compromise with you then he is merely comfortable with the way things are.

Myself and my partner have a vast and impressive collection of board games for when one or the other of us doesn't feel like doing something exciting. Sometimes we try to incorporate a few drinks! It always turns out to be a massive blast, we get a great laugh out of it.

But sometimes one of us sleeps on the couch if its Monopoly. That game is a home-wrecker :P

LegacyUser

I would not fault someone who is quite by nature but from what you have told us he is selfish.
After 3 years together he should know that to have a relationship he need to do more giving and less taking.
He knows that you would like to go to certain events which he won't go to with you.
What do you tell your family/relations when your boyfriend of almost 3 years does not attend family events?
Also the fact that he won't go out with you when you meet your friends or to family events is rude and shows bad manners on his part.
All long term relationships require compromise on both people parts in regards to where you go, the people you have to meet at times along with where you live.

After 3 years together most people start to make plans in regards to where they want there lives to go as a couple - do you move in together, get engaged, get married and or have children?

I think your boyfriend is happy plodding along with you making all the effort but at this stage you want more. I would tell him at this stage that you are not happy with the lack of effort he is making with you and for you.
Unless he starts to make some serious changes I would not move in with him.
I know woman who put up with men like this for a long period of time only to realise that they were never going to grow up or make any efforts to change there ways.
They ended relationships and went on to meet men who were adults and acted as adults.

LegacyUser

Thanks wiselady, I suppose i've been tolerant because he's laidback/quiet by nature. He lives at home and his mam has him ruined, doing all his cooking etc, making his lunch for work, washing etc, I don't think this has done him any favours to be honest. It is really starting to irritate me lately, maybe i'm partially to blame as I was probably happy enough plodding along too, even though I have raised this with him. If he stays in my house on a weekend night, he nearly goes home the next day first thing, like a child at a sleepover that has to go home or something. In fairness to him he does a lot of work around the house for his mam at the weekend.

LegacyUser

Sorry for dragging this back up, but really need to vent. My bf is really getting to me at this stage, I barely spoke to him yesterday because i'm just so fed up. I passed my final exams and got a good result a couple of weeks ago for a degree i've been studying the past 3 years, this was a huge deal for me. I went down to his house that weekend prepared to do something to celebrate. None of his family or friends or my friends were around, so it was just the two of us. We ended up just having a drink in the house. I asked about going out and was met with the response "Can we not just have a quiet couple of drinks in the house". I wasn't even asked what i'd like to do. He told me I never went out for something important for him a few weeks back, even though I made myself go out that weekend with his family as I knew it was important to him, I was absolutely dying after been out with a friend who was home from travelling and still went out. I also paid for us to go on a night away the following weekend to mark it, and i'm told I never went out? There was a thing on in his family last weekend that he presumed we were invited to but I told him I didn't think we were, it was a very personal occassion so I wasn't at all offended at not being invited. His mam confirmed this to him on the day. We went off and he got a text off his mam saying oh are you going to "said event"? We arrived back at his house and we had decided we were going to walk into town and do something ourselves, we ended up being roped in to the event, even though his mam hadn't spoke to the person hosting it, so nothing changed as far as I was concerned. I made abundantly clear I was very uncomfortable attending under those circumstances, but my bf wanted to go regardless. I know i'm a big girl and could have left, but didn't want to make a fuss with his parents and all there. I really need to speak to my bf but can't seem to get the words out and feel like i'm talking to a brick wall sometimes.

heretochat

I am going to predicate any remarks I make here by stating that I am generally shy by nature so know that it can be difficult to interact with people that one doesn't know that well in a large social context.

However, given that you are going out with him for 3 years I don't see that as being an excuse.

It would appear to me that the effort is all being made one way and that you are the one making said effort.

I am not here to pontificate or give out relationship advice (not really in a position to do either tbh) but I just think you need to tell him how this is affecting you. Judge him then on his reaction.

desbrook

Why does he have to change ? why do you have to change ? A little compromise - yes but it's really obvious to me that you are both simply not suited . I'm not getting into who's right and wrong just that you are both not right for each other . No, you aren't knocking the sh*** out of each other or anything but he is constantly disappointing you and he would say you are constantly hassling him . A relationship should not be like this .

You will not like me saying this but he shows all the signs of being bored with you and this relationship . Don't reply he is just quiet because by your own admission he isn't like that with is mates . He is slowly withdrawing from things with you . I'm not even sure to be honest he is aware of this . It's becoming like a favour to you when you go out/go away etc . He should be initiating things as much as you but he's not because he's bored . I'm not going to ask if he bought you a present or suprise for passing your exams . I think I know the answer .

You may hate me for this but will he change if you put it up to him and give him an ultimatium ?? Maybe - but grudgingly and it won't be long before everything is back the way it was . I say grudgingly because similarly he will see himself as doing a favour for his nagging girlfriend . After three years a pattern has been established which I believe won't be changed .

For the love of God get rid and get out . You may be scared - I get that but he's not making you happy and you aren't doing much for him . There are simply loads of people who you both could go out with and be far happier . You owe it to yourself .

LegacyUser

desbrook wrote: »

Why does he have to change ? why do you have to change ? A little compromise - yes but it's really obvious to me that you are both simply not suited . I'm not getting into who's right and wrong just that you are both not right for each other . No, you aren't knocking the sh*** out of each other or anything but he is constantly disappointing you and he would say you are constantly hassling him . A relationship should not be like this .

You will not like me saying this but he shows all the signs of being bored with you and this relationship . Don't reply he is just quiet because by your own admission he isn't like that with is mates . He is slowly withdrawing from things with you . I'm not even sure to be honest he is aware of this . It's becoming like a favour to you when you go out/go away etc . He should be initiating things as much as you but he's not because he's bored . I'm not going to ask if he bought you a present or suprise for passing your exams . I think I know the answer .

You may hate me for this but will he change if you put it up to him and give him an ultimatium ?? Maybe - but grudgingly and it won't be long before everything is back the way it was . I say grudgingly because similarly he will see himself as doing a favour for his nagging girlfriend . After three years a pattern has been established which I believe won't be changed .

For the love of God get rid and get out . You may be scared - I get that but he's not making you happy and you aren't doing much for him . There are simply loads of people who you both could go out with and be far happier . You owe it to yourself .

I haven't been constantly hassling him. He did get me a present for passing my exams. I am far from nagging. He's spoke about wanting to marry me, so seems a bit strange for someone that's bored. Also if there's something going on in his family he always wants me there. I really don't get why you think he's bored with me.I've said it to him and we're going to have a proper chat this evening.

Boofle

Gfriend wrote: »

I haven't been constantly hassling him. He did get me a present for passing my exams. I am far from nagging. He's spoke about wanting to marry me, so seems a bit strange for someone that's bored. Also if there's something going on in his family he always wants me there. I really don't get why you think he's bored with me.I've said it to him and we're going to have a proper chat this evening.

I think what desbrook was trying to get across is that ye sound like two very different people - which is fine - if compromises are made and each person is happy. However, you don't sound very happy in this relationship. And personally if I had just got a degree I spent 3 years studying for and I obviously wanted to head out on the town and celebrate and my boyfriend then states that he would rather sit in.....I would go mad!! Sorry that doesn't sit right with me at all. Surely it can be about what YOU want sometimes?

desbrook

Gfriend wrote: »

I haven't been constantly hassling him. He did get me a present for passing my exams. I am far from nagging. He's spoke about wanting to marry me, so seems a bit strange for someone that's bored. Also if there's something going on in his family he always wants me there. I really don't get why you think he's bored with me.I've said it to him and we're going to have a proper chat this evening.

Just to clarify - I never said you were hassling or nagging . I only said from his perspective you were .

I take your point about him probably not being bored with you especially in light his present and wanting to marry you . I accept I got it wrong .

I still though stand by the fact that what you want this relationship to consist of, and what he does , are miles apart . So far apart that it would be impossible for you both to be happy . Sorry .

LegacyUser

Boofle wrote: »

I think what desbrook was trying to get across is that ye sound like two very different people - which is fine - if compromises are made and each person is happy. However, you don't sound very happy in this relationship. And personally if I had just got a degree I spent 3 years studying for and I obviously wanted to head out on the town and celebrate and my boyfriend then states that he would rather sit in.....I would go mad!! Sorry that doesn't sit right with me at all. Surely it can be about what YOU want sometimes?

That's the way I felt. I didn't make a big deal of it at the time, to be honest, I was really hormonal that day and likely to get upset over stupid things, so thought I may have been overreacting but it still bothers me that he would show so little interest in something that is such a huge deal to me.

LegacyUser

I still though stand by the fact that what you want this relationship to consist of, and what he does , are miles apart . So far apart that it would be impossible for you both to be happy . Sorry .[/QUOTE]

I'm afraid you could be right, but I hope not
We get on like a house on fire 90% of the time, very rarely argue, I know he loves me and I love him, but sometimes its not enough

I'm an extremely introverted person sometimes and hate going out to nightclubs/bars. The thought of a festival is horrible to me, but I would always make an effort for my girlfriend. It's just the nice and polite thing to do really.

LegacyUser

Well, my bf came out for the first time in my city wit my friends and I thought great, he sat with the lads as myself and the girls found ourselves a cozy table and there was nowhere for us all to sit and we needed a catch up. I thought everything was going well, kept an eye to make sure he was okay. A really good friend of mine, who I don't see very often stayed over and had made a comment to me about breaking up with him. I was shocked. The next day we had a chat and she reckons he didn't want to be there, that one of the lads made a comment about "Will your man ever cheer up", apparentely one of them said he was very hard to talk to. My friend tried chatting to him and apparentely she just looked at my friend and shrugged her shoulders as she was getting nowhere with him. She even asked him about going and doing shots at the bar and he had none of it. My friend that stayed over reckons, he doesn't excite me anymore and that the level of quiteness is too extreme for me and that we're just too settled and plodding along, apparentely this feeling is mutual amongst my friends, which annoys me that it was only this one friend, who said what she thinks to me. He is a wonderful guy and I know he doesn't do this out of badness, but i'm at the end of my tether. My friend said not to say anything, he won't understand, but what can I do. Another guy has been showing me attention the last couple of times i'm out and I didn't exactly beat him off with a stick, he is probably just a charmer but i'd be lying if I said the attention and flattery and fun was not enjoyed. I know I shouldn't behave like this, its not fair to my bf. I'm so confused. Help !!!!

Big Bag of Chips

If he's normally shy and quiet and doesn't like being out of his comfort zone, then you were wrong to leave him sitting with a group of people that he doesn't really know. Surely you should have known he wouldn't speak much?

I have to agree with what desbrook said earlier - neither of you are necessarily wrong, but you do appear to have reached a point where you are wrong for each other.

I have never been to a festival... No interest, but I will go to concerts. My husband doesn't really come to my family dos.. he will go to weddings or funerals, but no kids' parties or Sunday dinner or anything. He's just not into it.

You should, in general be happy in your relationship. The one thing that stood out for me in your post is that you "rarely fight" - sometimes this can actually be a bad thing in a relationship! There are things he does that annoy you (not going out, not going to festivals, not making an effort with your friends, not making an effort for you after your exams etc..) Do you ever let him know that this really bothers you? When you really really wanted to go out after your exams and he didn't.. what happened then? If you just accepted it and said no more, then that's not right. Because you are hiding your own feelings for fear of upsetting him. Sometimes, that's admirable in a relationship - and sometimes it's "being a mug".

You don't sound very compatible anymore, and the fact that this thread has been going on for over a month, leads me to believe that something's gotta give.

JaneeMack

Gfriend wrote: »

Another guy has been showing me attention the last couple of times i'm out and I didn't exactly beat him off with a stick,

So you've been together for 3 years and you are only complaining about his shyness and unwillingness to go out now?

I'm mostly an extroverted person and I like a good night out but the thought of going to a festival would defo cringe me out - with the drunk and drugged up ppl everywhere!

It takes anybody a while to feel completely comfortable with the OH's family or friends - depending on the personality this may take a long time or it might never happen.

If it bothers you, you should probably call it a day and let him be in a relationship with someone who is more understanding of this.

LegacyUser

JaneeMack wrote: »

So you've been together for 3 years and you are only complaining about his shyness and unwillingness to go out now?

I'm mostly an extroverted person and I like a good night out but the thought of going to a festival would defo cringe me out - with the drunk and drugged up ppl everywhere!

It takes anybody a while to feel completely comfortable with the OH's family or friends - depending on the personality this may take a long time or it might never happen.

If it bothers you, you should probably call it a day and let him be in a relationship with someone who is more understanding of this.

Sorry but i'm extremely understanding, which is why i've been accepting of this for so long, it's bothered me for a while, he can make the effort when it suits him. If I wasn't understanding I would have walked a long time ago. I've put many things on hold for him,so to say i'm not understanding is completely off the mark.

Big Bag of Chips

Just on another note OP, your friends were very wrong and immature to comment on how sociable, or not, he was being that night. Not everyone is lively and outgoing. Not everyone can slip easily into an already established group. Not everyone is interested in "doing shots at the bar".

Unless of course you are always giving out to your friends about him...?

cypressg

Gfriend wrote: »

We get on like a house on fire 90% of the time, very rarely argue, I know he loves me and I love him

This is whats important in my opinion.
If my partner didn't like doing something then I would not try and force them to unless it was critical to the relationship.
Your friends,like most friends in this situation, are dopes who will pander to your whims so you should make sure your whims are fair and correct-if you told them that you like the way he doesn't go out with you then they would say nothing and there would be no issue.
Some of the best relationships I know and have been in are based on total independence,keeps it fresh.
How would you feel if the tables were turned,if he had some hobby that you hated participating in and he suddenly decided that it was critical to the relationship?Going out for drinks together is not critical to a relationship and it might be more a reflection on you that you seem unable to enjoy yourself without him.

LegacyUser

cypressg wrote: »

This is whats important in my opinion.
If my partner didn't like doing something then I would not try and force them to unless it was critical to the relationship.
Your friends,like most friends in this situation, are dopes who will pander to your whims so you should make sure your whims are fair and correct-if you told them that you like the way he doesn't go out with you then they would say nothing and there would be no issue.
Some of the best relationships I know and have been in are based on total independence,keeps it fresh.
How would you feel if the tables were turned,if he had some hobby that you hated participating in and he suddenly decided that it was critical to the relationship?Going out for drinks together is not critical to a relationship and it might be more a reflection on you that you seem unable to enjoy yourself without him.

I am extremely independant, love going out with my friends, have no trouble doing things myself. If you do everything in your life completely independant of your partner, well its not really a relationship is it? I think my friend commenting was more to do with the fact that she knows i'm outgoing, but maybe it was immature. He asks me to all his family/friends dos and I always make an effort. He flies, i'm not a great flyer, but i've gone flying with him because I know how important it is to him.

Big Bag of Chips

I visit my husband's parents regularly. Because I don't mind doing it. He NEVER visits my parents, because he feels awkward & uncomfortable. I don't want him to visit my parents and then feel under pressure to leave early. So I visit without him... But I go to his family things, because I'm NOT uncomfortable there.

Then again, I'm more outgoing and more sociable than he is.

At the end of the day it shouldn't matter what your friends think or what your family think. What you think, and how you feel should be the only thing that matters. If it bothers you, say it. If things don't change then you need to figure out if you're happy to live with him and his ways for the future....

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I visit my husband's parents regularly. Because I don't mind doing it. He NEVER visits my parents, because he feels awkward & uncomfortable. I don't want him to visit my parents and then feel under pressure to leave early. So I visit without him... But I go to his family things, because I'm NOT uncomfortable there.

Then again, I'm more outgoing and more sociable than he is.

At the end of the day it shouldn't matter what your friends think or what your family think. What you think, and how you feel should be the only thing that matters. If it bothers you, say it. If things don't change then you need to figure out if you're happy to live with him and his ways for the future....

My family adore him, it's not about them, it's about me and I want him to make more of an effort. I honestly don't think i'm being unreasonable.

cypressg

Gfriend wrote: »

If you do everything in your life completely independant of your partner, well its not really a relationship is it? I think my friend commenting was more to do with the fact that she knows i'm outgoing, but maybe it was immature. He asks me to all his family/friends dos and I always make an effort. He flies, i'm not a great flyer, but i've gone flying with him because I know how important it is to him.

Depends on your definition of what constitutes a relationship I suppose.
The best relationship in my circle is one of total independence-the guy never goes out with her (and I mean never-once or twice a year) and has his own hobbies which he does without her,she also has her own hobbies that she does without him and they are together for about 10 years and always look very happy together(I know them both well and have lived with both separately over the years). Neither has ever strayed to my knowledge
The best relationship I was ever in operated in the same manner.

It seems kinda clear that he hates going out-do you hate going to his family functions and flying?Or just mildly dislike flying?
Obviously your friends recognises that you're outgoing but is she giving the same importance to the fact that he isn't?There are 2 people in your relationship after all.

Hannibal Smith

I think its very hard to get a grasp on things from a forum thread. Its hard to get a full picture of what's going in and where you go from here. Your friends can see first hand whats going on so I'd pay more heed to them.

If a boyfriend of mine sat there being unsociable on a night out I would be so mad. There's no need for it. And hes old enough to be left in a group without being baby sat.

Has he become worse in recent times. ..hes not depressed or anything is he?

My husband is very quiet and isnt into mad nights out which did cause a few rows between us. But if he didn't want to go somewhere id go by myself. Now we're married with 2 kids so it was never a deal breaker for us though.

It's hard to know what to think.. I do think it was unfair of you to leave someone who you knew would be awkward with a bunch of people he didn't know. It was even worse of your friends to even mention breaking up. You keep mentioning he's a good boyfriend and a great guy.. surely that's what is important. I've met many people in relationships that refuse to go out on the town with each other, for various reasons. Just because he is an introvert doesn't mean anything is wrong with him. Is he only not making an effort with nights out? What about in the relationship in general? Does he make an effort for you in other things?

LegacyUser

I mentioned in earlier threads about not making an effort in things like moving in, compromising, celebrating exams etc. I understand it may have been unfair that I left him with these guys, but from what I gathered (I was keeping an eye) he seemed to be getting okay, the lads even wanted to go flying with him. He told me he enjoyed the night and I asked him a couple of times and he said he definitely did. I'm more pissed off that my friends didn't say to me during the night that they thought he was uncomfortable if they noticed, because I didn't, I would have went over to him. But then again I can't babysit him either. One of the girls bfs said he would only go out if my bf was going out so there'd be guys there, and he too is quiet enough, so I actually thought that it would be okay.

LegacyUser

cypressg wrote: »

Depends on your definition of what constitutes a relationship I suppose.
The best relationship in my circle is one of total independence-the guy never goes out with her (and I mean never-once or twice a year) and has his own hobbies which he does without her,she also has her own hobbies that she does without him and they are together for about 10 years and always look very happy together(I know them both well and have lived with both separately over the years). Neither has ever strayed to my knowledge
The best relationship I was ever in operated in the same manner.

It seems kinda clear that he hates going out-do you hate going to his family functions and flying?Or just mildly dislike flying?
Obviously your friends recognises that you're outgoing but is she giving the same importance to the fact that he isn't?There are 2 people in your relationship after all.

If they never go out together, or share any interests, how often do you see them to know they "always love very happy together".

Big Bag of Chips

Gfriend wrote: »

but from what I gathered (I was keeping an eye) he seemed to be getting okay, the lads even wanted to go flying with him. He told me he enjoyed the night and I asked him a couple of times and he said he definitely did. I'm more pissed off that my friends didn't say to me during the night that they thought he was uncomfortable if they noticed, because I didn't,

Well if you thought he was fine, and he said he was fine and enjoyed the night, and the other lads seemed to be happy with him, and even suggested going flying etc, and you didn't notice that he was uncomfortable, then I think your friend is just shtstirring.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well if you thought he was fine, and he said he was fine and enjoyed the night, and the other lads seemed to be happy with him, and even suggested going flying etc, and you didn't notice that he was uncomfortable, then I think you're friend is just shtstirring.

You could be right there, to be honest it didn't sit 100% comfortably with me, I don't think it was the friend who told me **** stirring, I think it was who said it to her. I said it to her that it was bad form of the lads to be asking to go flying with him and then saying those things, to which I got a response that I was making a big deal out of nothing, they weren't giving out, just saying he was a bit quiet at first.

cypressg

Gfriend wrote: »

If they never go out together, or share any interests, how often do you see them to know they "always love very happy together".

All the time,I lived with both separately and am good friends with both so they would be together around me a lot,seems like a constant honeymoon period with them really.They seem to make zero demands of each other and simply enjoy each others company.This is the most important thing I reckon-to enjoy each others company.

boomkatalog

My relationship is quite similiar in that I love going out to the pub/clubs with friends, having a few drinks etc. and my partner doesn't. We're together over 4 years and honestly, I'm quite happy with the situation.

We're very different people but IMO, his being more introverted is only a problem if he tried to tell me he didn't like me going out without him. Which he would never do! He does come out every couple of months, mostly to humour me I'm sure but I don't think he enjoys it.

Our compromise is that sometimes I have my friends over to our place where we both socialise with them (which he loves), have a movie night or occasionally a few drinks before going out. Or sometimes he comes out and gets the last bus home.

His personality isn't going to change, the only thing in question is how important it is to you that you're with someone who has similiar interests. Personally, I love having my cake and eating it too, a wonderful boyfriend waiting for me at the end of my night out with my awesome friends. There are other things we enjoy doing together

LegacyUser

boomkatalog wrote: »

My relationship is quite similiar in that I love going out to the pub/clubs with friends, having a few drinks etc. and my partner doesn't. We're together over 4 years and honestly, I'm quite happy with the situation.

We're very different people but IMO, his being more introverted is only a problem if he tried to tell me he didn't like me going out without him. Which he would never do! He does come out every couple of months, mostly to humour me I'm sure but I don't think he enjoys it.

Our compromise is that sometimes I have my friends over to our place where we both socialise with them (which he loves), have a movie night or occasionally a few drinks before going out. Or sometimes he comes out and gets the last bus home.

His personality isn't going to change, the only thing in question is how important it is to you that you're with someone who has similiar interests. Personally, I love having my cake and eating it too, a wonderful boyfriend waiting for me at the end of my night out with my awesome friends. There are other things we enjoy doing together

I love going out with my friends on girlie nights, but on the nights where it's my friends and there bfs it would be nice if he made the effort. I think our problems are bigger than this anyways, I feel like something has drastically changed in our relationship. Our sex life isn't great, like last night I was on top and he kept kind of moving my hips/bum with has hands as if I wasn't doing it right, really off putting, I had to say it to him. Then his thing went soft, seems to always happen when i'm on top. It really upset me. He says to put something on it when i'm on top as he gets too excited, but doesn't seem that way. I've tried so hard but think it could be the end for us.

cypressg

Ah well.at least you won't have to come on here bitching about him anymore so.

Big Bag of Chips

cypressg, banned for 2 weeks for Breach of Forum Charter

Esoteric_

Gfriend wrote: »

I love going out with my friends on girlie nights, but on the nights where it's my friends and there bfs it would be nice if he made the effort. I think our problems are bigger than this anyways, I feel like something has drastically changed in our relationship. Our sex life isn't great, like last night I was on top and he kept kind of moving my hips/bum with has hands as if I wasn't doing it right, really off putting, I had to say it to him. Then his thing went soft, seems to always happen when i'm on top. It really upset me. He says to put something on it when i'm on top as he gets too excited, but doesn't seem that way. I've tried so hard but think it could be the end for us.

I've been following this thread for a while, and honestly it does seem like the end.

I think he's being selfish at times, and I also think you're being selfish, too. Neither of you seem to be willing to compromise, and now you're unhappy with your sex life, and he seems to be, too.

If neither of you will talk this out, make conscious efforts to change and compromise (both of you, not just him and not just you), and communicate like adults, it's not going to get better.

You should probably just cut your losses now.

heretochat

Just catching up on this thread this morning and it strikes me just how unhappy the two of you seem to be. There seems to be very little in the way of communication and I'm not sure either of you is making a great effort to improve things.

It seems to an outside observer that the relationship has gone stale and you both know it.. And this is probably impacting on the sexual side of things as well..

Wibbs

Gfriend it sounds to me like the pretty common 3 year itch. Romantic love has a few stages as people get to know each other. The first is the falling in love honeymoon stage and that usually starts to wane around the 3 year mark, to be replaced with the less frenetic but deeper long term feelings that can if you're lucky and compatible go on for life.

IMHO this transition is the single most important one in the course of a relationship and the hardest to navigate. Even looking around in this forum you do see a pattern of issues cropping up at the 2/3/4 year mark. It can sneak up on a couple too. When in love we tend to ignore those niggles we may have about our partners. Sometimes people will even change for a time because they're in love, but the "real" them will out down the line. I would bet the farm that you were concerned about these differences very early on, but chose to put them to the back of your mind or figure it would change with time and love. I have found those things that niggle us a little at the start of a relationship nearly always become the big things that will break up the relationship down the line.

IMHO there may be some hope if both are willing to make that effort for the other person, but it may just be that you are simply not compatible with each other as a long term thing. Not easy GF and I hope whatever happens you're both OK at the end of the day.