Taking a Leap of Faith

LegacyUser

Hi, I have posted on here before as I find it very useful as a soundboard as I sometimes find it difficult to relate to others and/or share my issues with those around me. This is largely due to coming from a pretty dysfunctional family, which I don't want to dwell on in this post, suffice to say it is not a happy story nor an easy one to tell.

It has left its marks, which I am working on with a therapist. Among them, I want close relationships with people, but I find it very difficult to trust others or to depend on people. I have intimacy problems and get anxiety around people when they wish to share or discuss anything that is not superficial. I fear that if I allow myself to get close to people, ill get hurt. From my experiences in life and how I was brought up, the world and people aren't safe or trustworthy and especially those who care about you.


I also fear if people see the real me, they'll see the guilt, shame and conflict within and reject me. At the core of my being, I feel shame and not worthy of love. In a roundabout way, this has led to some poor judgement on my behalf and sticking around in abusive relationships with partners and getting exploited in work situations.

That may sound very sad and on an intellectual level I know it is all wrong and a product of my different experiences in life to others, but I still feel it, like a deep rooted belief I was raised with.

As I say, I am working on it and making progress, I won't let it define me any longer. According to my therapist, I need to start developing trust slowly with people and to "take a leap of faith".

I will, but id like to know if anyone else has experience related to this and how they're doing? Any tips would be much appreciated!

larrymickdick

Hey OP

This really resounded with me

"I also fear if people see the real me, they'll see the guilt, shame and conflict within and reject me. At the core of my being, I feel shame and not worthy of love. In a roundabout way, this has led to some poor judgement on my behalf and sticking around in abusive relationships with partners and getting exploited in work situations."

I will be quite honest with you. I am currently in the same boat. I find it hard to trust people and be open with them as I feared rejection too. I'm slowly starting to open up more about things that have deeply affected me. What I have come to realise in doing this, that a lot of other people in my life have had the same issues. Not from the same circumstance but everyone fears rejection at some point in their lives. This really helped me.

I realise I am not alone. It has encouraged other people to open up to me as I have to them. Some of the stuff I have been told has surprised me greatly as I was sometimes jealous of other people being so together when I sometimes felt like I was going mad. Trust is a mutual thing. It is not as easy as just jumping straight in - I feel it must be earned - the same with respect.

My advice to you would be take it slowly. Build up trust maybe with smaller things first and graduate on to bigger things later. You must also be more gentle with yourself. You deserve love like everyone else in this world and in by loving yourself you will begin to trust yourself more. If you try to forgive your past mistakes as you can't take them back or change them but you can learn and grow from it. Take the lesson and leave behind the hurt.

In my family growing up I was completely sheltered - my parents tried to "shield" me from the nasty unpleasant side of life but instead they smothered me and restricted me. I feel very naive when out with some friends. Innocent almost as I didn't have the same experiences as them. It sometimes makes me feel foolish, and tbh resentful of my parents and how they are (sometimes even now). They were so suspicious of everything (sometimes of me too) that this has made me distrustful of others too. Something I was unaware of until recently.

I realise they were coming from a place of love and wanted to protect me. They didn't do it in badness. Since I'm aware of this now I can be aware of my own behaviour. I working on changing my outlook in life, I realise I don't have to take in account how my family would react to a situation - I need to think for myself more. I feel in having more confidence in myself and my own decisions (whether they are right or wrong) will help me free myself from the past.

It takes time - there are days where I feel amazing, confident and self-assured - then I have dark days where the smallest of things upset me. I know I'm moving in the right direction. Fair play to you for addressing your own issues. There a lot of people that wouldn't be as brave as you, they rather act like victims of circumstance instead changing their lives for the better. I applaud you in working on yourself.

I really hope that you get to a good place. I have found that balance is the key to everything in life. I don't know if you have ever read a book called the four agreements (don't know if I'm allowed to post that if not please feel free to snip mods)

It's basically 4 rules to live your life by:

Be impecible with your word - don't use your words to hurt anyone - don't use your words to hurt yourself (if you have a critical voice in your head it is now the time to stop listening to it).

Don't take things personally - whatever is going on in your life is your reality. People won't always understand it. Same way as you will not understand what is going on in someone else's life - that is their reality. Don't judge them for it.

Don't make assumptions. Don't assume something is the case - if you are unclear on a situation ask questions - don't be afraid to ask these questions either - if you need clarification - get it, assuming something is almost like making something up. You don't know if it is the truth unless you ask.

And lastly always do your best. Your best for today might not be your best for tomorrow. Today you could be in great form and able to do a lot. Tomorrow you could have a cold, be tired and you can't expect as much from yourself. If you do less than your best you will feel guilty and disappointed in yourself. If you do more than your best you will feel resentful, tired and taken advantage of. Just do your best on the day and you will have no regrets.

I know I've gone on a bit there but hope it helps
Best of luck for the future

thefeatheredcat

I don't think I can add much to larrymickdick's fantastic post, but I have something to say on this

Op12345 wrote: »

I also fear if people see the real me, they'll see the guilt, shame and conflict within and reject me. At the core of my being, I feel shame and not worthy of love. In a roundabout way, this has led to some poor judgement on my behalf and sticking around in abusive relationships with partners and getting exploited in work situations.

If people knew the real you, the reality is that they will feel a great deal of compassion and understanding for you, for what you have been through and admire and respect you for it. They will see what you don't, an intelligent beautiful person who has a lot to offer this world and someone really worthy of showing care and love to.

I know you probably aren't able to believe that, but if you keep progressing with your therapy, you will begin to both see and believe that and also believe and see that.

Op12345 wrote: »

I fear that if I allow myself to get close to people, ill get hurt.

You know what the most rewarding thing about getting close to someone is? Getting hurt and recovering from it, becoming a stronger, better person because of that hurt. The more we explore the more we learn, the better we can evolve and adapt as people, the less scary some things are and the less we have to fear. And less fear means a greater security. It's worth pursuing, risking getting hurt in getting close to someone, because there are so many benefits. But you know what too, I don't fear it anymore. Sometimes we can sit with that fear for a long time, letting it get the better of us, letting it dictate to us. And all that fear needs really is to be stood up to and challenged for it to be banished away.

In a funny way OP you have already taken a leap of faith in posting here and extended trust. That is a great step and a good way of taking a step too. I would have to echo in taking giving trust slowly, gradually, let it build over time... the longer and more you know a person, you can also suss out what levels of trust you can give to them, or even if they're the right person to trust with perhaps more sensitive personal matters. Give yourself time and patience and take it slowly.

LegacyUser

Hey just wanted to say thanks to larry and thefeatheredcat, I really appreciate the well considered responses, yous are very kind, thank you.