don't know what I'm looking for

LegacyUser

Hey guys I think this might end up as a bit of a ramble that might not make any sense but I'd really appreciate any kind of thoughts or perspective because i'm at a bit of a loss..

I'm 28 and never had a proper boyfriend, while that in itself really bothers me, over the past few months I've realised that I've become so jaded by the dating scene that I don't even know what I find attractive in a guy any more. It's really starting to worry me a bit. I don't even really see guys as anything other than friends at this point. If I'm walking down the street and see a hot guy it doesn't even register. I'm currently having a friends with benefits thing with a guy I've know for a while, something I'd tried a few years ago with someone else and got very hurt by as I got too attached, but this time I honestly don't feel any kind of emotions towards the guy other than a friend that I really enjoy having sex with. The fact that I can so easily separate sex and emotion scares me.

I'm not even sure what I find physically attractive any more, I joined a dating site at the start of the year and met a few guys but when I meet them there's nothing, even when I feel I should find them attractive and go out on a few more dates with them, it's just nada. Even browsing profiles its just a sea of faces, I never get that oh he's hot moment, I don't get nervous before dates any more either, when I'm out and a guy chats me up, I don't feel any excitement. I was seeing a guy I thought maybe I could possibly like for about two months a while ago but he dumped me and I felt nothing. In the past I'd have been quite upset but it barely even registered. It's like I'm so used to never getting anywhere relationship wise with men that the 'maybe this has potential to go somewhere' feeling of excitement has just vanished because I know it never does go anywhere. Has anyone ever experienced this before? It's not like I've lost my sex drive, I still crave sex but it's like my emotional drive (if such a thing exists) is just dead, I just feel so frustrated and emotionless, how the hell do I snap out of this?


Thanks for reading.

miamee

I had something kinda similar at the start if the year, particularly with online dating. I was fed up of the whole thing, feeling negatively about messages before I even read them, looking for reasons to dismiss guys profiles even if I thought they were cute or good looking. I just stopped. Gave myself some time off from thinking about men, disabled my profiles and decided to not go back to looking for someone online or otherwise until I actually felt a need to or an excitement about it. Am back at it now and enjoying it a lot more without stressing about it.

The FWB situation is grand if you have no interest in any relationship but as long as your physical needs are being met, I don't think you'll feel any great push to go meet someone new. It might be worth taking a break or ending that too and see if that helps.

Lorna123

I would not be on the same wavelength as you as regards the friends with benefits arrangement as I just couldn't do this arrangement as sex would mean more to me and I would have to have feelings for a guy first. Anyway, it just occurred to me that maybe your feelings are now numb because you are doing this, got used to having sex with no emotion so now you can't switch back to having sex for the proper reasons. You are using your friend for sex and your emotions are switched off so now when you look at other guys your emotions are still switched off. Just a thought !

CaraMay

Why not take 6 months away from the whole dating scene. Don't think about meeting anyone, drop the dating site and your f-buddy and just enjoy life without that pressure. I agree with lorna about the f-buddy set up. It's not for everyone. Take time out and see how you feel in a while

LegacyUser

Has the consideration you might not be 100% into men crossed your mind?

LegacyUser

op im a fellow and went through the same thing as you. i think your trying to dampen your emotions. maybe as another suggested take a break from dates or your arrangement with your friend

Gannicus

Lorna123 wrote: »

I would not be on the same wavelength as you as regards the friends with benefits arrangement as I just couldn't do this arrangement as sex would mean more to me and I would have to have feelings for a guy first. Anyway, it just occurred to me that maybe your feelings are now numb because you are doing this, got used to having sex with no emotion so now you can't switch back to having sex for the proper reasons. You are using your friend for sex and your emotions are switched off so now when you look at other guys your emotions are still switched off. Just a thought !

CaraMay wrote: »

I agree with lorna about the f-buddy set up. It's not for everyone. Take time out and see how you feel in a while

I agree too.

The f-buddy seems to me like it's numbing your emotions and you're closing off yourself when it comes to making a personal connection with people.

Try stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something new. take a class, join a group and put meeting someone at the bottom of list of things to worry about. Try speed dating. it might make for an interesting evening if nothing else.

Merkin

I would take some time out from dating and from your FWB arrangement too. You sound jaded and quite cynical based on past experiences and it is sometimes good to take stock by giving yourself a total break from everything dating related if you're not enjoying it. I did this and got together with my husband about four months later!