My mum seems to hate my boyfriend and tried to set me up with local farmer...

ShellyBear

Hi all, this is kind of a long story but bare with me, please.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have been living together for the last 4 years.
My parents have always appeared to get on very well with him when we call out. Last summer I was asked to help out a neighbor for a week. While I was working, another employee (farm hand), who is actually good friends with both my parents, began to hang around where I was every day. He would call in to the house and make coffee and chat. Because he is friendly with my parents I made small talk with him each day. Towards the end of the week this guy began to creep me out by telling me how pretty and smart and nice I was and how my boyfriend was no good for me. his reason for assuming that my boyfriend was no good was the fact that he couldn't afford to flat out buy me a new car (WHO COULD??). this farm hand would always brag about how much money he had saying that he was going to buy a huge house and that I could live there with him and he offered me money too. I was very uncomfortable and declined his offer. Honestly I could not wait to finish work and hopefully never see him again.
anyway what I didnt know at the time was that he was busy convincing my parents that I was being mistreated and needed to be 'rescued' from my boyfriend.
The day after I finished work this farm hand turned up outside my house and waited 45 mins in his car waiting for me to come out. I was hiding and pretending not to be home as he freaked me out so much.
When I went to my parents I was horrified that they actually agreed with him and gave him the go ahead to pursue me. Worst of all they did not defend my boyfriend at all and instead bitched about him with this guy.
Now I am not speaking to my parents because they are still best friends with this guy who calls to my parents house every single day.
Also did I mention that this guy actually makes inappropriate sexual
comments to my two younger sisters in front of my parents and they laugh.

Esoteric_

How do your sisters feel about the comments? It sounds as though he's able to pass them off as being jokes, if your parents are willing to laugh about it.

As I can see it, there are two real options here.

1. Tell your parents exactly what sort of things this man said to you, how much it freaked you out, and how he's lying by saying that your boyfriend is mistreating you. He's obviously turned their heads, and a firm dose of reality might be all that they need.

If this doesn't work, or if you want to skip that part completely, option 2 -

Tell your parents in no uncertain terms that you love your partner, are committed to him, have no intention of leaving him and if they can't respect your relationship, you don't want to speak to them until they do. They're your parents, they should want your happiness and I'd make damn sure to remind them of that.

Neyite

I think that a lot of parents want their daughters to be financially secure, especially the more traditional ones, and the more traditional they are, the more they would it as necessary for someone to "provide" for you, or for you to marry well, in their eyes. This sounds like he has bragged about how well-off he is and your parent's heads are turned by it.

Ultimately, it makes no difference what your parents say or think. You live elsewhere, and are in a long term, commited relationship. Thats all that matters. All they are doing here, is damaging their relationship with you, and with your boyfriend who may very well be your lifelong partner and ultimately their son-in-law.

But I have to ask, how do they feel your boyfriend is mistreating you? What examples have they given you that supports that?

ShellyBear

Hi Esoteric
My sisters feel uncomfortable when he makes these comments. an example: My sister was looking for her lost watch, the farm hand asked what does it look like, she explained, he then said ' oh its on my night stand beside my bed.' I feel that if I was a parent of a teenage girl I would find that comment offensive and inappropriate. the farm hand is about 40 yrs old.
I actually sat down with my mam and explained everything to her. She refused to admit that this guy had done anything at all wrong and would not comment on my boyfriend at all. I pulled away for a good two months untill my dad found out that he needed a bypass and had to have surgery in November. For his sake I made nice and forced (realize how wrong i was now) my boyfriend to forget the past and try to get on with my mum. This lasted 9 months untill my mum thought it was appropriate to start bringing up the farm hand in conversation, asking me did I see the plans to his house??? wtf like why would I care....
Then I hear from my sister that my mum is talking about how 'thin' i am and that this must be down to some control that my bf has over me. but she is quick to forget that I have always been a size 6 all my life. She also pointed out that the farm hand said he was worried about me because my car was old and called it a death trap and said it was my bf job to ensure that i was safe.
It actually gets worse this guy also contacted my sister and tried to convince her that I have bruises up and down my arms and that it must have been inflicted by my bf. All of which was a complete lie. I didnt have a mark on me for god sake.
My mum however jumps to this guys defense if anything is said about him
last week i parked my car outside my parents place while i went to the shop with my sis and when we returned the farm hand was in my parents living room drinking tea and eating biscuits like nothing ever happened. worst of all when i walked past him my dad said that my behavior was embarrassing and i should have said hi to him
I feel like this guy is exercising mind control over my parents who take financial advise from this guy its very worrying to say the least

ShellyBear

Hi thanks for the comment
everything they believe about my bf is coming directly from this farm hand. He told them I had bruises WHICH I DID NOT and accused my bf of turning a blind eye to the car im driving, calling it a deathtrap. My bf actually paid 900 for a service for my car before the start of the college year when i was broke and didnt have it (of course they cant see that or they don't want to see it)
Nothing I say or do is ever going to change their minds about my bf they are completely taken in by this guy and if u ask me i think that they just want to hate my bf for whatever reason. My bf has a good professional job and is doing well but as everyone knows its hard to save as cost of living in this country is out of control, only now we are beginning to save but we cant compete with this guy and his million in the bank. Yes he actually said he has a million in bank. what a liar

LegacyUser

My feeling is that this man is not all your parents think he is and he does not have money.

If (mr creep) has a million in the bank why has he not built his big house yet or why is he still single? Also where did he get the million he has in the bank?
In a rural area men who have land/money are normally married by his age and if they are not there is are reasons for this ie don't want to get married, can't leave mammy, are gay and are known creeps.

This man sees a farm with 3 girls and he thinks as the oldest you will get the land.
If he marry's you the land will be his. Another thing is that your parents/you will sell him land now that it is "cheaper" than in the boom so he can make money on it.
He is telling your parents that he will buy/build you a big house near them along with a new car to impress them in regards to how well he will treat you.
This guy is also bad mouthing your boyfriend as if you split up he thinks you will end up with him. Also the fact that he can do wrong with your parents and could be giving them financial advice is alarming me.

In your position I would do the following:
I would start looking for information in regards to this man. Find out where he came from, where he went to school, when he left school and what he did since then.
Do you have any friends in your home area or anyone older that could help you find out more about this man and keep quite about this. I grew up in a rural enough area and with a few questions to the right person it was amazing the information I could find out about someone.

You need to get dirt on this man and let your parents know exactly what he is like.
Even if one of there friends has to tell your parents some bad information about this man. I would be there for this.

Tell your boyfriend what is happening and bring him home the next time your visit your parents. (mr creep) needs to see your in a relationship and your boyfriend needs to know what is happening in case mr creep says something in order to cause trouble between you.

maria34

How old are your little sisters??? That man sounds like an old pervert!! Can u have a word with local guards?

Can u ask your parents to meet up and talk with them? Tell them what that man has said to u?

Hope he hasnt touched your sisters in any way yet! Makes my skin crawl.

In your place i wouldnt be worried when it comes to your bf. u are happy and he is the right one for u. Hope he knows all the story so that creep cant do any mess there...

Czarcasm

OP in all honesty, why are YOU even entertaining this harmless gobshìte?

You're obviously an adult, in a relationship with your boyfriend for seven YEARS, and you're letting this idiot ruin all that by justifying yourself to him and your parents every time, it's like the three of them say jump, and you say how high. And this guy is loving the reaction he's getting.

Unfortunately if your parents are foolish enough to think the sun shines out of his àrse over caring for the welfare of their own daughters, well, there's not a whole lot you can do about that, except just not be around it and carry on with your own life. It won't make your parents cop on any quicker, but at least you won't have to be listening to it, witnessing it, and rising to it every single time.

Your teenage sisters have minds of their own too and they know well this guy is a letch. In all honestly, he sounds like a pompous ass who thinks of himself as a charmer. I'd tend to give your sisters more credit if I were you, and for god's sake don't be going hiding when you see him, that's what he wants - he thinks it makes you "a challenge" for him!

Next time don't be too worried about what your parents think of you for "not saying hello to the nice man when he's only being polite" either. They clearly don't give a fiddlers that he makes you uncomfortable, or that you already have a boyfriend who you've been with for seven years.

Let your parents and this guy know your absolute disdain for this clown by telling him in no uncertain terms that you have no interest in him. Next time he gives you the "Well <yourname>, you're looking fine", etc, in front of your parents, just cut him short - "Fcuk, off, you harmless bastard!", usually works. Sure it'll shock, etc, and your parents will be "gutted", etc, at your "disgraceful and unladylike behaviour", but at least it will leave the idiot in no uncertain terms that you at least, won't be taking his shìt any more.

Czarcasm

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP in all honesty, why are YOU even entertaining this harmless gobshìte?

You're obviously an adult, in a relationship with your boyfriend for seven YEARS, and you're letting this idiot ruin all that by justifying yourself to him and your parents every time, it's like the three of them say jump, and you say how high. And this guy is loving the reaction he's getting.

Unfortunately if your parents are foolish enough to think the sun shines out of his àrse over caring for the welfare of their own daughters, well, there's not a whole lot you can do about that, except just not be around it and carry on with your own life. It won't make your parents cop on any quicker, but at least you won't have to be listening to it, witnessing it, and rising to it every single time.

Your teenage sisters have minds of their own too and they know well this guy is a letch. In all honestly, he sounds like a pompous ass who thinks of himself as a charmer. I'd tend to give your sisters more credit if I were you, and for god's sake don't be going hiding when you see him, that's what he wants - he thinks it makes you "a challenge" for him!

Next time don't be too worried about what your parents think of you for "not saying hello to the nice man when he's only being polite" either. They clearly don't give a fiddlers that he makes you uncomfortable, or that you already have a boyfriend who you've been with for seven years.

Let your parents and this guy know your absolute disdain for this clown by telling him in no uncertain terms that you have no interest in him. Next time he gives you the "Well <yourname>, you're looking fine", etc, in front of your parents, just cut him short - "Fcuk, off, you harmless bastard!", usually works. Sure it'll shock, etc, and your parents will be "gutted", etc, at your "disgraceful and unladylike behaviour", but at least it will leave the idiot in no uncertain terms that you at least, won't be taking his shìt any more.

Can't agree with this more, OP.
You need to stop entertaining them, justifying yourself to us him or them, and be rude until he gets the message.
I would also suggest what someone else said about him possibly having no money and thinking he'll get it off you may well be true.

ShellyBear

Hi lady lady. Thanks for your comment. I actually asked her about the reasons why he ended up 40 and living at home with his mammy. When I asked if he might be gay she became agitated and jumped to his defence saying 'of course he is NOT gay he was mad about you wasnt he'

She would NEVER defend me like that. You are prob wandering what kind of hellish daughter I must have been for my mother to treat me like this but honestly I have always been completely submissive to her, maybe thats the problem.

Your advise to investigate this guy is good advice if I was dealing with a rational woman which I am not. No amount of evidence will change her mind. I know this because she used to be in a cult...of sorts...what i think of as a cult anyway.
Have you heard of <Mod Snip: Please no names to protect you from potential defamation> in Achill. She started a house of prayer which seemed harmless at first but when they stared looking for large sums of money to 'save souls' I got suspiciuous. Anyone who questioned <Mod Snip> was the devil. When the Sunday world paper did an article exposing her and her two mansions my mother turned to page three of the paper and said look at the half naked girl, this paper is the devils work dont believe them

ShellyBear

Hi Czarcasm thanks a mill for your comment. You are right I have been pandering to them for long enough. I guess I posted to see what others thought about the situation just to see if I was correct before I cut contact with my parents.

I have tried discussing and fighting with my mum about this but she remains steadfast in her support of this guy. I have actually just told them that I did not start this whole thing. I am not to blame. I have been open and honest the whole time and if they choose to believe this farm hand then thats their choice but im finished trying.

Thanks for the enlightening comment
you cant force anybody to see the truth untill they are ready to open thier eyes. I just hope when they realise the truth its not too late

ShellyBear

Maria 34 thanks for commenting...
Ya I told my bf everything ... he wanted to punch this guys lights out but I stopped him. Nope the creepy farm hand has not touched my sisters but the comments are enough to creep them out.
The way I see it this guy had it all planned in his head. he called to my dad and told him that I needed to be rescued and that he was going to save me. I think that he actually believed his own delusions towards the end/ and he seemed shocked and angry when things didnt work out.
the day after he stalked my house...btw he didnt know exactly where i live he drove around till he found my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... my mam called me and asked me to go for a drive with him to look at some car his neighbour was selling. when i said no she got angry and said that the least I could do was do him the honour of going in his car with him to look at this car that he was going to buy for me...
i mean you couldnt make this **** up
im in disbelief myself
so sad to loose my mam to this crazy guy but nothing more i can do its over now he has won

Emme

ShellyBear, unless you can dig up some serious dirt about this man you are flogging a dead horse. The farmer guy sounds like he's not the full shilling and I don't know why your parents are even entertaining him. He's clearly deluded in many ways - his million in the bank, the fact that he thinks he's a good catch for you or your sisters, his malicious and defamatory lies about your boyfriend and everything else.

If he drove to your house to look at your car that's stalking. If that continues and you have proof you could go to the gardai about him.

He's either a complete idiot or trying in a sly way to get his feet under your parents table (ingratiate himself with them so they will set him up with you or one of your sisters).

I come from a farming community myself but my parents, old fashioned as they are, would never entertain an idiot like him even though they would have liked me to marry a local farmer. I didn't.

Do not visit your parents unless you have to and if you do visit them try to do so only in the company of your boyfriend. Only meet them when you are sure the village idiot :rolleyes: won't be present. Keep in touch with your sisters and make sure they don't get into the clutches of this man. He may be "harmless" as another poster said, but I'm sure your sisters are savvy enough to make sure they don't get into a car with this man or are alone with him at any time.

Neyite

ShellyBear wrote: »

Maria 34 thanks for commenting...
Ya I told my bf everything ... he wanted to punch this guys lights out but I stopped him. Nope the creepy farm hand has not touched my sisters but the comments are enough to creep them out.
The way I see it this guy had it all planned in his head. he called to my dad and told him that I needed to be rescued and that he was going to save me. I think that he actually believed his own delusions towards the end/ and he seemed shocked and angry when things didnt work out.
the day after he stalked my house...btw he didnt know exactly where i live he drove around till he found my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... my mam called me and asked me to go for a drive with him to look at some car his neighbour was selling. when i said no she got angry and said that the least I could do was do him the honour of going in his car with him to look at this car that he was going to buy for me...
i mean you couldnt make this **** up
im in disbelief myself
so sad to loose my mam to this crazy guy but nothing more i can do its over now he has won

Your mother seems to align herself with people who are skilled at manipulation and lies. The facts are this: You are an adult. There is no way that they can force you to be with this man, go on outings with this man, date this man, or even speak to him.

I would suggest that from here on in, you only arrange to go to your family at a time that suits your boyfriend to go too. Same goes if your mother decides to "meet" you somewhere and you discover that its actually this creep you are meeting instead. Always bring your boyfriend. Do this until they all get the message loud and clear.

But personally, I'd just cut off contact until they got the message - if your mother rings you, politely tell her you are hanging up when she mentions the man, and do exactly that. If you are visiting home, leave the room every time they bring him up. If you have to, leave the house entirely. Just refuse to discuss this man at all. You have tried reason, you have tried explaining, none of this has worked so stop trying to explain to them anymore. Its not like they are even listening. Just repeat the same sentence over and over and over "I will never go out with X, I am with Y and I am very happy. I'm not discussing this further"

wyrn

OP, I really feel for you. This sounds very worrying. Is there anyway you and your sisters could sit down with your parents and lay out why you all feel uncomfortable with this man and let them know that all three of you are not interested. I worry that the guy will eventually give up on you and try to move on to one of your sisters (with possibly your parents approval).

LegacyUser

OP - Reading the various messages you posted, I personally would worry about the welfare of your parents rather than what they think about you and tell you.

It sounds to me that they might be very susceptible to outside influences (sect, cult ... whatever you named it in an earlier post) and this farm hand might have spotted this and my fear would be that he seems to have his eyes on the family estate through potential marriage.

From lack of experience, I am not sure how you could handle this 'infuatuation' for lack of a better word but I think this should be the priority.
They are your parents and they have looked after you and your siblings for a while, it might be your turn to look after them rather than burning your bridges.
Once they realise this, your situation might be sorted de facto.

Tough situation to be in ... best of luck to you.

ShellyBear

TheyAreMyParents
Exactly at the end of the day they are my parents and I am worried about them. I really dont care what anybody thinks about me at all but how do you continue to go home to listen to rude comments regarding my appearance and my relationship.
If this behavior was isolated I might be more able to cope with it but this has been happening my whole life. When I was in school I was severely bullied, to the point where I was a 10yr old seriously considering suicide. My parents never told me how to deal with it or gave me any advice but instead I was told to do what Jesus did and turn the other cheek and forgive them. To make matters worse my mam decided to start driving the bullies to school with us in the morning. I mean come on what was she doing. All i needed was somebody to stand up for me. Her excuse now is that the principal of the school at the time said that to take me out of thaty school would be to allow the bullies to win. Who cares about winning.
Anyway one night i was attacked and beaten up while out in town. The next day my mother say my bust up face and sais ..'oh, look at you, whose boyfriend did you sleep with to end up like that'
This has gone on my whole life, she takes everyone elses side so to be honest I have decided I have had enough. I cant be putting myself through more just to make sure she doesnt give the land to some freak. let her. i dont want it

OP, this appears to be deeper than the current issue and is more a lifelong issue with your parents - I think you would be right to distance yourself and even talk to someone about it, tbh. It's hard to see how wrong it is til you get out of there

ShellyBear

Im not harboring any resentment towards my parents for the past. I had actually completely forgiven them and we were happy and seemed to have a good relationship. I never held any of it against them and I was able to accept that people make mistakes and that it was nobody's fault.
Everything was ok untill this farm hand began to take an interest in me and all the ugliness of my mothers character came up to the surface again.
Anyway I have decided to let her work through her issues and when she is ready to talk ill be ready to forgive and forget all over again. But for my sake I cant keep fighting with her and because of the past I cant stand there and listen to her delusions.

Merkin

ShellyBear wrote: »

I cant stand there and listen to her delusions.

She does sound dangerously deluded. And with people like that you can't actually reason with them as they don't appreciate common sense.

You're right to distance yourself hon. Nurture the relationships that bring you happiness and support (your boyfriend) and keep a distance from your toxic parents. I wouldn't do anything as dramatic as cutting them out completely and having a big acrimonious split, I'd simply extricate myself quite subtly, stop visiting them (you then won't have to see Tom - I keep thinking the farm hand looks like the fella in Father Ted http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q08uaFD1-IA ) and get on with your own life.

ck83

Merkin wrote: »

- I keep thinking the farm hand looks like the fella in Father Ted.

It's funny how we all like to put faces to stories. I have decided he looks like that dude Sean Walsh in Circle of Friends (He's now Eli gold in the good wife). Because that's what this whole scenario is reminding me of.
OP- follow your gut instinct. Sounds like you know what you need to do.

LegacyUser

ShellyBear wrote: »

TheyAreMyParents
Exactly at the end of the day they are my parents and I am worried about them. I really dont care what anybody thinks about me at all but how do you continue to go home to listen to rude comments regarding my appearance and my relationship.
If this behavior was isolated I might be more able to cope with it but this has been happening my whole life. When I was in school I was severely bullied, to the point where I was a 10yr old seriously considering suicide. My parents never told me how to deal with it or gave me any advice but instead I was told to do what Jesus did and turn the other cheek and forgive them. To make matters worse my mam decided to start driving the bullies to school with us in the morning. I mean come on what was she doing. All i needed was somebody to stand up for me. Her excuse now is that the principal of the school at the time said that to take me out of thaty school would be to allow the bullies to win. Who cares about winning.
Anyway one night i was attacked and beaten up while out in town. The next day my mother say my bust up face and sais ..'oh, look at you, whose boyfriend did you sleep with to end up like that'
This has gone on my whole life, she takes everyone elses side so to be honest I have decided I have had enough. I cant be putting myself through more just to make sure she doesnt give the land to some freak. let her. i dont want it

Oh dear ... Bad and toxic indeed ... You are right indeed to distance yourself from them. Hopefully your parents will come to their senses at some stage ...
Please do take care of yourself and as Merkin suggests above "Nurture the relationships that bring you happiness and support (your boyfriend)".

Wishing you all the very best