Wife has bipolar disorder: I'm so confused

LegacyUser

Hi,
I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my wife is bipolar. We are both relatively young early 30s and have been married a few years (whirlwind romance), no children. We did marry young, me 22, she 19 so I did put some of her erratic behaviour down to youth. She had a casual fling with a friend of hers around a year and a half into the marriage (everything but full sex as far as I know) and we got over that, when suddenly in 2007 she tells me she doesn't love me any more, it's all over etc completely devastating me...I can't describe how I felt.

After a couple of months we did get back together after she called me out of the blue and said that she was sorry, it was all a mistake etc...We were fine then until last year when she developed an infatuation with a guy in her post-grad college course...nothing happened but mainly because he had a girlfriend (she was sending him flirty e-mails that I discovered...she would never admit anything to me). Even with that I swallowed my pride mainly because we were (and still are) in a very precarious financial situation.

Up until a few weeks ago things were relatively fine - both studying hard to improve our lives, her doing a post-grad, me completing an undergrad, hoping to do a masters in autumn (I've been unemployed for over a year and want to create new options for myself). She has been slowly melting down in her course, hiding it from me because I don't think she wanted to distract me from my study. It all came to a head one day when her facade fell and I could see that she was almost losing her mind, babbling incoherently, crying hysterically...and then she finally confessed to me that she had cheated with two guys back in 2007 when we were apart, one guy, twice her age, who was linked to her career choice at that time and had given her opportunities and whom I had been introduced to afterwards, and had got to know casually. God I feel sick typing this. He's not even in this country so I can't do to him what I would really like to do. She also had sex in our house, our bed, with the other guy a few times, he was giving her money, telling her to leave me ... maybe guilt broke her down, I don't know.

Anyways after all this she has been in a psychiatric ward, diagnosed bipolar, taking lots of medication, and it seems to have brought her back to herself, although she is wracked by guilt, anger, sadness, at what she has done to me. I am just so sad because I love this girl so much and I know deep down that she loves me too but she's just wracked by self-doubt and has a need for validation/attention that terrifies me (possibly caused by a dad that was never there). I have been her, and she has been my, best friend, and we talk about everything but I think she was just so guilty about 2007 that she couldn't tell me. What worries me most though is that she introduced me to the guy afterwards - I asked her about this and when she was with these guys in general, and she, through tears, told me that she would block me out.

I just don't what to do...I would do anything for this girl, I have only ever been with one girl in my life and to be honest I have never looked at another girl, not in a serious way, and don't want to. I am at my happiest and I think she is too when it is just the two of us together in our small little flat because we get on so well. She has broken my heart so many times but I would do anything for her because I know that deep down she is a good girl, who has had a tough life certainly from her late teens onwards. She is funny, smart, beautiful and super-talented but she just focuses on negative things so much - for example she cares so much about what ****ty people think of her rather than focusing on the people who like/love her.

I fear for what the future holds for us - if I could be with her all the time, our life would be beautiful, but that's not the real world and whenever I'm not there her judgement goes (it's always when I'm not around). I want us to have a good life together but I need to work hard at study/work and I will always be worrying about her...but I can't imagine life without her, not out of some sense of comfort/routine but because I genuinely love being with her. Am I doomed in all this?

Thank you for any assistance.

ladysarah

I am sorry for what you are going through. really what you need is counselling as a couple. Being cheated on is tough and you need to discuss that with a professional. be good to yourself.

dellas1979

I think you need support/speak to someone yourself to understand why you are so laid back about all that has happened/revealed. And why you feel you are only at your happiest with her, when she has caused you a lot of pain.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I had a couple of good days with her, taking her out of the hospital and just being like a normal couple, which is not normal for us as we have been under so much financial strain over the past couple of years (by our own choosing though - both studying). I think I know the right thing to do is break up but I'll never forgive myself if I throw her out while she is ill, but god it's hard to get through some days when I hate her and those fcukers she was with (I know if I could lay my hands on them I would feel better even if it meant I would get a bit of a beating too - I can handle physical pain over this mental anguish any day). I still don't know what to do...I was fine the past couple of days but don't want to see her again now...we have couples counselling organised for next Tues which might help but I can't keep up a facade of cheeriness until then and if she sees me upset or I stay away she regresses.

Now I will say that from her psychiatrist she has been told she has cripplingly low self esteem and that this make her susceptible to flattery/attention...she has a course of action to improve this (counselling/group therapy/role-playing etc). The bipolar aspect is that when she is down she responds by going supernova with grandiose plans etc...but how much of the past can I really attribute to this? There has been enough selfishness and satisfying her ego for it just to be an illness. She is very good at playing the damsel in distress and the two guys she was with both fell in love with her, and tried to get her to fully leave the marriage, but she jilted them and asked to come back to me. I know that if we do break up she will end up in the same situation, luring some other poor schmuck in. It's not even deliberate on her part, it's how she is! Now if she had been honest and told me in 2007 that she had cheated while we were on a bit of break, no question I would never have got back with her so now I feel even more cheated. I'm so sick of her been thought of as such a nice, charming girl, when all she has even been with me is destructive - I've told her today that if anyone ever approaches us again and says what a nice lovely couple, i will just say "actually she's a fcuking whore who's cheated on my loads of times and abused by trust and love endlessly. How do you like that?" {i am serious about this by the way}

My last line is that if at this moment in time I could erase the past 11 years of my life and never have met her I would take that option and I'm not sure what that says about my present situation.

Isnt' life wonderful? L'enfer c'est les autres (surtout le sexe opposé!)

Taltos

OP - I know this is a difficult time for you but please we do not advocate violence on this forum. Future references to violence or any other breach of our charter will result in the thread being closed or your posts not being approved. I know this might seem harsh but as this is a strictly moderated forum we have to treat everyone the same way, OPs as well as posters.

Thanks
Taltos

MagicMarker

This woman is a viper. Sick or not, she'll destroy you in the long run.

She has her issues op, and SHE needs to deal with them. You need put yourself first in this situation. Don't be guilted into staying with her.

LegacyUser

Sorry for mentioning violence in my last post - wishful thinking on my part but i'll tone it down. One question: does it count at all that the worst things happened 6 years ago - my wife told me she spoke to her college counsellor who advised her that there was no point in telling me all this after so long but eventually she couldn't hold it in. She did tell me that she didn't tell me for so long because she knew I would dump her. Is that a good thing that she was honest at least? If I didn't know all this now I would have been happy to continue on in the relationship. Am I being weird - are people so honest, straight-forward in the real world or do I have unrealistic expectations of people. I can't really lie and all I want out of relationship is honesty - if either party wants to walk then do it the right way.

Screw it. We have a counselling session lined up for next Tues so I'll roll along until then and see what **** she comes out with at that. At least I'll get to give her a piece of my mind in it, without her blubbering. This is so fcuking draining, honestly.

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's given me a few things to think about.

Esoteric_

petegabbitas wrote: »

Sorry for mentioning violence in my last post - wishful thinking on my part but i'll tone it down. One question: does it count at all that the worst things happened 6 years ago - my wife told me she spoke to her college counsellor who advised her that there was no point in telling me all this after so long but eventually she couldn't hold it in. She did tell me that she didn't tell me for so long because she knew I would dump her. Is that a good thing that she was honest at least? If I didn't know all this now I would have been happy to continue on in the relationship. Am I being weird - are people so honest, straight-forward in the real world or do I have unrealistic expectations of people. I can't really lie and all I want out of relationship is honesty - if either party wants to walk then do it the right way.

Screw it. We have a counselling session lined up for next Tues so I'll roll along until then and see what **** she comes out with at that. At least I'll get to give her a piece of my mind in it, without her blubbering. This is so fcuking draining, honestly.

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's given me a few things to think about.

Re-read the parts I've put in bold.

I'm not excusing her actions in any way, and I completely understand why you feel so awful (I wouldn't have stuck it out this long in your position, tbh), but what you've just written has proven how little you respect her or her illness. 'See what shít she comes out with?' Mate, no matter what she's done, she's ill. Do you know how mentally crippling bi-polar can be? Until/unless you have a firm control over it (which in a lot of cases never happens, and in some cases happens after long periods of therapy and medication), you literally cannot control your actions.

If you respect her that little, leave. What you've said doesn't sound like you're going to make any effort at all with the counselling, you just want to go and listen to her come up with what is, in your opinion, shít, and have the opportunity to have a go at her without her crying.

For her sake, and yours, leave.

LegacyUser

My emotions are all over the place ranging from love to anger so excuse me if I'm a bit flippant on a message board. It's one way I cope. Sorry I'll try to keep my feelings in check from now on as it's obviously not about me at all. Any respect I ever had for her has been eroded endlessly by her or her illness (I'm not sure what's what anymore) and her constant cheating/using so maybe I'll just leave it at this and figure things out myself.
You try living in this situation before you throw around comments about having respect.

Calhoun

Op I don't buy the line if someone is sick no matter what they do all is forgiven, i can understand after 8-10 years of this you are at then end of your tether enough to lash out at her in your post.

You don't have to respect her illness and at this stage you don't respect her due to circumstance, I would draw a line under this and move on. I'd say its been too toxic to really move beyond this but maybe I'm wrong .

Elmer Blooker

Esoteric_ wrote: »

Re-read the parts I've put in bold.

I'm not excusing her actions in any way, and I completely understand why you feel so awful (I wouldn't have stuck it out this long in your position, tbh), but what you've just written has proven how little you respect her or her illness. 'See what shít she comes out with?' Mate, no matter what she's done, she's ill. Do you know how mentally crippling bi-polar can be? Until/unless you have a firm control over it (which in a lot of cases never happens, and in some cases happens after long periods of therapy and medication), you literally cannot control your actions.

If you respect her that little, leave. What you've said doesn't sound like you're going to make any effort at all with the counselling, you just want to go and listen to her come up with what is, in your opinion, shít, and have the opportunity to have a go at her without her crying.

For her sake, and yours, leave.

What a bizarre post??
The OP has described how his life is a misery because of his wife's bi-polar disorder and then you ask if he knows how crippling bi-polar disorder is.
I think he does.
He says his wife is funny, smart, beautiful and super talented and he genuinely loves being with her and you say he has no respect for her.
OP, to quote MagicMarker, this woman will destroy you, taking some guy into your bed and then introducing you to another one of her flings in inexcusable.
(Imagine a married man trying to use a bi-polar condition as an excuse for a string of affairs, it's laughable!) Get out asap, she has utter contempt for you, you can do no more for her, she can only help herself.

bama

If she is not willing to help herself then there is nothing anyone can do for her. Ultimately, you need to think about yourself and if I was you I would leave her, or kick her out whichever you think is best.

If that is not an appealing option then you need to get her to admit that she has a problem and support her in dealing with it.

to be honest the former is the easier road for you I think but the latter might just might pay off in the long term.

I don't envy you though.

Chucky the tree

Seems to me that you are placing most of the anger at the feet of the two guys she shagged. No sure why, it's her mainly her fault. You come across as being very unhealthy obsessed with your wife that you are perfectly happy to let her treat you like **** while you direct your anger at other people, other than your wife. I'd get out now while you can.

LegacyUser

You're right that I projected too much onto the other guys. It's her fault although I have given one of them a piece of mind and put the sh*ts up him so I feel better about that It now boils down to can I forgive infidelities that happened 6 years ago when the doctors think she had a psychotic episode brought on by a multitude of stresses (and when she got it into her head that I hated her)...only time will tell. We have always been very close, had a good relationship (best you could have considering we have always been poor with little family support on either side from day one), sex life has always been through the roof, similar tastes and opinions on important matters.

She knows she was wrong and wants to change all aspects of her life, she herself said she has been miserable for years and was only ever happy with me. I know it's a f*cked up situation but I have decided to give her one more year of my life to turn herself/us around. We are both going to counselling, and focusing on rebuilding our relationship. I am totally preparing for a parting of the ways in a year from now, but I am open to being surprised. I'm happy with an arrangement where there is no pressure on each other except to be loyal to each other (I already find it easier to forgive and forget) because I don't like being boxed in either if I'm honest.
It's a risk, but I'm building myself up for the next year in terms of education, employment, fitness and general mental strength so I'm not rocked again. This will be my last post in relation to this matter and I would like to thank everyone who took the trouble to reply.

homerjay2005

you seem to be making excuses for her, justifying everything. you seem like a really nice person, too nice for you own good.

IF THIS WAS ME, id break up with her to be honest. get away for a few weeks/months, cut complete contact and start my life over again. Bipolar now, stress before, it will be another excuse next week when she abuses you.

sbsquarepants

Sometimes you just have to face facts. Whether your wife was in full control of her faculties or not when she was with these blokes is debatable, basically you have no way of ever knowing if it was a symptom of her illness or she is just using that as an excuse. What's not debatable is that it has happened and has caused you a lot of pain. Your wife may or may not be at fault, you certainly aren't.
If i was you i would be gone, maybe i have a slightly cold outlook but i think if someone, anyone (other than your child) is that much trouble to be around then i'd rather not be around them - you are not responsible for your wife - that's movie bullshít. Find someone who makes your life easier and happier, not harder and full of misery - it's short, you'll regret wasting it!

LegacyUser

I'm reading your posts and my heart is broken for you both. I went through something very similar with my partner a number if years ago.
I hate giving advice so ill tell you what worked for us and you can decide if its any use to you.

First you need to separate the issues. Yes bipolar can lead to promiscuity especially when undiagnosed and untreated but at the stage they are separate issues 1 the cheating 2 the illness.

For the cheating go to some relationship counselling by yourself, talk it out work through it then you can decide if you'd like her to join you in that therapy or if you've given up on the relationship.

There are some great bi polar manuals available from your library. Get them, read them and understand the condition and its lifelong implications for your partner and you. Do not read bi polar auto biographies, they are full of people trying to understand and explain away their actions and just left me feeling angry. Also there's a lady called Natasha Tracy has a blog with some great info.

Your wife sounds like there are a number of issues with bp, confidence, self worth etc and they won't go away with medication. She needs serious help and as her friend you can support her in that. Cbt has been invaluable to us as well as the discovery of a thing called acoa. We thought it didn't apply to us but there's a school of thought that the distructive behaviour associated with it comes from various sources. It might be worth discussing with your wife's therapist to get their opinion and see if any of it rings true for your wife. It was a definite turning point for us.

Best of luck op, stay strong and don't let anger consume you. This is a difficult challenge but you seem a bright determined man so you will come through it

Burbleburble

I'm reading your posts and my heart is broken for you both. I went through something very similar with my partner a number if years ago.
I hate giving advice so ill tell you what worked for us and you can decide if its any use to you.

First you need to separate the issues. Yes bipolar can lead to promiscuity especially when undiagnosed and untreated but at the stage they are separate issues 1 the cheating 2 the illness.

For the cheating go to some relationship counselling by yourself, talk it out work through it then you can decide if you'd like her to join you in that therapy or if you've given up on the relationship.

There are some great bi polar manuals available from your library. Get them, read them and understand the condition and its lifelong implications for your partner and you. Do not read bi polar auto biographies, they are full of people trying to understand and explain away their actions and just left me feeling angry. Also there's a lady called Natasha Tracy has a blog with some great info.

Your wife sounds like there are a number of issues with bp, confidence, self worth etc and they won't go away with medication. She needs serious help and as her friend you can support her in that. Cbt has been invaluable to us as well as the discovery of a thing called acoa. We thought it didn't apply to us but there's a school of thought that the distructive behaviour associated with it comes from various sources. It might be worth discussing with your wife's therapist to get their opinion and see if any of it rings true for your wife. It was a definite turning point for us.

Best of luck op, stay strong and don't let anger consume you. This is a difficult challenge but you seem a bright determined man so you will come through it

swaner

definitelly you need ask for some expert (therapist) support in this case...

swaner

homerjay2005 wrote: »

you seem to be making excuses for her, justifying everything. you seem like a really nice person, too nice for you own good.

IF THIS WAS ME, id break up with her to be honest. get away for a few weeks/months, cut complete contact and start my life over again. Bipolar now, stress before, it will be another excuse next week when she abuses you.

Exactly! I am sharing your opinion.

TheBoyConor

Op, as well as being a cheater and a liar she just sounds like an absolute head melter!

You are only in your early 30s, still whole life ahead of ya.
I can tell you that this sort of thing doesn't just go away after some therapy and pills. This craic will be popping up again and again over the years.

You don't need this sort of train wreck drama in your life.

Get rid and move on!

She's an adult woman and can look after herself.

peckerhead

Eh.... it's nearly five years on, lads.

Hopefully the OP has moved on by now!

dudara

Closing this thread as it is nearly 5 years old.

dudara